It will be a year next week that my son was born. I have kept these feelings inside for far too long. A year that I have been living in this body that I now call my own. My belly button still looks the same, saggy and loose. I still have “love” handles and flub around my waist. It still hurts too look at myself naked but at least I can hide it with clothes. I still know what lies underneath but no one else does. My little secret. What I cannot hide is my face. Since I have been breastfeeding, I have broken out in horrible cystic acne all over my face. Painful lumps under my skin. Some the size of quarters. I’ve been to the dermatologist and I have had creams and some shots but nothing seems to work. And the things that would work I cannot have because I still breastfeed. But I REFUSE to give up breastfeeding just because I have an ugly face. My son loves it too much to stop, and I just can’t cut him off, not until I know he’s ready. I cry every time I shower and wash my face. I cry when I’m naked because I realize that this isn’t a dream and I am awake and this IS my new body. I will NEVER have my old body back. I cry when I look in the mirror at my face. My face is hiding behind pustules and cysts. It hurts to make facial expressions, it hurts to talk, it hurts to see. It just hurts, and no one seems to understand my hurt. I have reached out to my “friends” but none of them seem to have body issues or face issues that I have..or at least they do an amazing job hiding it. I’m a single mom. This is suppose to be the best time of my life yet it hurts the most. I don’t even want my picture taken with my baby because I feel my face is so ugly. And stress doesn’t help it.My son’s father is the ultimate LOSER. Goes weeks without seeing his child, doesn’t offer a dime and randomly calls once a month to see him. Unemployed. Criminal history. Could possibly have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I don’t want his money. I don’t want his help as a parent; I don’t want anything from him. I just want him to go away. I want him to disappear. He offers nothing good to my son. He’s just heartbreak waiting to happen for my son as he get older. A disappointment time bomb ticking away. I HATE the fact that he’s “around”–if you can even call it that..WHY? WHY stick around?? Just GO AWAY. He’s like the pustules on my face that won’t leave. I’m at my wits end my my face, my body, and my EX. I feel so alone. I love my son with all heart but my body/face issues have really taken a toll on me and I’m afraid he will soon feel my sadness too.
I more depressed now than I have ever felt in a long time.
I don’t know what to do…
- “From Hot to Not“
Age: 25
Number of Pregnancies and births: 1
Age of child: 2
Hello, I absolutely love this site and have been a fan of it for years! I am doing this as a update post, here is my older post from last July. I really don’t look that different.
I have tried everything this past year to lose weight, working out dieting and nothing seemed to be working. Until recently my friend talked me into joining Weight Watchers, it has only been two weeks and I am already down 13 pounds! My current weight is 187 and I am 5′8 tall. Now I know with my height I can never be 120 and wouldn’t want to be I love having curves! But I do want to be 160-155, which I am starting to realize is possible.
Sometimes I find it hard to look at myself naked, when I sit down, I hate seeing my huge belly roll. It grosses me out, and there have been times I’m my life when I thought, I could never find love because no one would want to me with someone that looks like I do, but I have learned I have to want myself before anyone else can want me.
My biggest fear is that I am going to lose this weight and have all this extra skin. I just hope i wont have a saggy flabby stomach. I’m trying to tone as much as possible. I really love this website, seeing all these beautiful women and knowing the sacrifices we have to make and how much its worth it. I love my daughter more than anything and wouldn’t change a thing! All women are beautiful all shapes all sizes all colors! And one more thing, I love this site for all the support from other people, it is always a huge help and encouragement.
20 yrs. old
1st Pregnancy, 8 months pregnant
I woke up one morning in July expecting to start my period. When I went to the bathroom and hadn’t started, I didn’t think anything of it because I am not typically regular. As the day went on with no signs of it starting, I began to worry. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was pregnant but disregarded it and went about my day. As the weeks went on I began to worry and wonder what to do. While I have always been pro-choice on the matter of abortion, I knew it was not the path I wanted to take. My boyfriend and I had not spoken in weeks and he didn’t know what was going on. I called him one morning to tell him and he just told me to stop worrying and that I wasn’t pregnant. While I knew my own body and knew something wasn’t right, I went on with my life ignoring the morning sickness, the swelling breasts covered in stretch marks, the mood swings, and pretended that I wasn’t pregnant. As the months went by, my belly started getting hard, round and hard. I was only 95 lbs to begin with and never gained weight so I knew this was it. I had to face the fact that I was pregnant. After accepting it, I called my now ex-boyfriend again. He did not work or have a job so I knew I didn’t want to keep a baby and have him in my life, that is when I began looking into adoption. During this time, I didn’t tell anyone, not my family (who I still live with) not my friends. No one knew. I was carrying around the burden alone and scared. Luckily, because I was so small to begin with I was able to wear loose clothes with no one suspecting anything. I continued going to school and working full time. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything that was going on. On Christmas Eve, I contacted an adoption agency to explain my situation. I wanted to make sure I had everything figured out before I told my family. Unfortunately, I did not get things figured out in time. On New Years day my mother looked at me and asked when I gained weight in my belly, I told her I had not worked out lately. I knew she knew, the way she looked at me for the rest of the day I could see it in her eyes. Two days later she asked me. I cried and told her, she cried and held me and asked why I had kept it from her for so long. She wasn’t angry, she was sad and hurt for me. I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to disappoint her or my father. The days that followed were the worst days of my life. My dad was disappointed, my mom was sad, my brother was angry and my sister was scared. I went to the doctor for the first time a few days later. It turned out that I was 28 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I could not believe that I had gone 28 weeks without telling anyone. I worked and went to school and even made the Dean’s List. My parents felt so horrible because they didn’t notice, and because they didn’t help me. My dad told me that if I went through all that time alone, then I can do anything and that I’m stronger than I realize. I think he was right. Looking back on those 28 weeks I don’t know how I did it. How I got through them. But I did. I was so grateful that she was healthy and she was the right size, but still I knew I could not keep her. I did not feel a connection with the baby, I knew there are so many people out there who would give anything to be in my position. After weeks and weeks of crying with my family, I knew what I had to do. I contacted the adoption agency again and met with a family who I think is perfect to raise my little girl. As of now, I still haven’t told anyone. The only people who know are my family and the baby’s father. I don’t know if I will ever tell anyone, or if I will after I have the baby. She is due in a month and a half, and I wonder if a birthmother’s body will look the same as a mother’s body postpregnancy…
