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This is Four Months Postpartum (Anonymous)

This is four months postpartum. I cannot lose the weight no matter how hard I try. The shame I feel is sickening. I want to vomit whenever I see myself in the mirror. It’s so hard to leave the house and be around people. I am so so so ashamed. I can’t even be in the front yard unless it’s dark. Everything sags and my waistline is gone. I didn’t even get boobs from this mess. They’re still small but now they sag and are deflated. So I’m horrible looking, fat without breasts. My husband always liked the little gap between my thighs and now it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I try to eat healthy but sometimes I just feel so terrible that I go for something good because at least I feel a little happy when I can eat good food, even though I hate myself for eating it afterwards.

I hate myself so much for letting this happen to me. I love my son but I was left with nothing but a disgusting mess. Sometimes I cut and punch myself and they say to use a marker instead so that’s what I did.

I used to be the girl who could wear whatever and it’d be okay. More importantly I used to be the girl who could carry thirty pounds of gear into the mountains and hike myself out with an injury (dislocated kneecap). Now I can’t even hike seven miles without my body giving up. I can’t even talk about what happened to my mind or I will really break down.

I failed at everything. I failed at breastfeeding so I have these disgusting boobs and I can’t even breastfeed my son. I labored for thirty hours with back to back contractions and still had to have a c-section. My hips and back gave out during my pregnancy and I had to be on crutches and I couldn’t exercise although I did what I could. I have really intense postpartum depression and anxiety. I’m on four medications and have tried so many different kinds of treatment. Electroconvulsive therapy might be the next step.

I can sense my friends and family getting frustrated with me so I’m starting to pull away from them too. I have no damn idea why my husband even still has sex with me. I think it’s because I’m there and he’s a very loyal person but I’m convinced he’s imagining he’s with someone else. How could this wreck of a body ever appeal to him? He didn’t give me a single compliment after I gave birth but he used to say I was beautiful every day before. He started again when I broke down about it but now I can’t believe him because I had to cry and beg for him to see me as beautiful so I know it’s him lying to make me feel better. I don’t blame him for forgetting because the first month is so hard and if it’s not genuine why would he even think to do it?

I hate myself so much I cry every day and some days I can’t leave the house no matter how hard I try. I would have surgery in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I just want to hide forever but I can’t because I need to find a way to endure for my son. I just don’t know how. I give up on being attractive. I just want to not care.

Categories: Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Self-harm, Submissions
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Am I Ruined? (Anonymous)

I’m currently 24. I have had two pregnancies and have two beautiful boys 1 year and 20 days apart both delivered vaginally. I will be 3 months postpartum in 11 days. I am writing this post because I am working hard to become comfortable in my own skin again and want to love my new body. In college I had so much confidence in crop tops, short shorts, bikinis etc…. Again, I am 24 years old so if this sounds immature I apologize. I love fashion, I love wearing things to compliment my figure and my midriff used to be my favorite part of my body. My first son left me stretch mark free, well on my stomach only, I developed a couple on my hips and some deep in my upper inner thigh area (yes I cried, my husband said that he didn’t care, yada yada all the things men say to comfort you.) My thoughts on his response…. No matter how vain it sounds I thought, “well at-least my stomach is OK.” Well then came my second baby boy and now I feel ruined. I am still young and I’d like to dress in all of the things I felt able to wear before, well a bit more conservative of course out of respect for my husband and children, but I am scared that strangers, yes people I owe nothing to, will stare…. Ugh this sounds so stupid…

I am about 30 lbs overweight now and just got the “okay” to resume exercise. I have diastasis recti so my pouch didn’t go down as fast as it did after my first pregnancy but I am working on closing the gap through physical therapy. I am eager to get toned again, but now I fear that weight loss may enhance the appearance of my stretch marks that, in person, look like deep horizontal tears in my abdomen area (although exfoliation has evened the texture out a bit), plus the light discoloration (which I’m not sure if it will fade into my skin color because as an African American woman I found my belly looks darker for a while after birth), and may reveal sagging skin, which I’m not 100% sure if I have any, but the ab separation is about 3 fingers wide so that may contribute to sagging. Also, my belly button looks soooooo weird to me now, but that’s not a major issue for me, it seems to be shifting back to place lately… I’m probably hallucinating.

Anyway, I remember as a child, my mother showed me her stretch marks and said that her body was ruined, so that replays in my head, plus one of the first questions she asked when I was pregnant with my first was if I had developed any, which I hadn’t on my stomach. I find myself, in between bathroom breaks and nap-time for my babies in the mirror obsessively checking them as if they’re just going to disappear all of a sudden. I am exfoliating like crazy in the shower trying to fade them as fast as possible…. I’m considering a spray tan, yes I know I have dark skin already but I’ve read it could even out your skin tone and disguise scars regardless… I look at clothing online and automatically feel like I’ll never be able to wear what I like again without looking stupid. I have decided to get a tubal ligation because I honestly do not think I can handle anymore changes to my appearance. I know that beauty comes from within, but to me when you feel good about the outside, your self esteem is boosted… But maybe that’s just me. I know I have a long way to go and I will not allow myself to regret my amazing boys. But am I ruined? Can I still dress as a 24 year old? Is my body now disgusting? I need to know. Will it get better? Please help me ladies, I know it is all in my head, but I can’t seem to break free from this mentality.

Categories: African American, Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions
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Wonder Woman is Real

Originally posted on Instagram.

011118-wonderwomanisreal-1

I know I don’t have the perfect body. This body has born three beautiful souls into this world and nothing has taken a harsher toll on my body.
I know I don’t have a perfect body I have had weight issues all of my life due to life struggles. But I never give up and everyday I struggle a little bit with food. It’s much easier now that I am vegan as I get full so much easier but it has put marks and stretches to my body that will never go away.
I know I don’t have the perfect body with a chest that seems to never stop growing larger no matter what I do, but I am learning to love my defects as a part of me. Trying to find the beauty in the flaws. Everyday I try. Most days I lose but thanks to all of you and the love you give back to me I have days that I win too. Thank you all. Love you!

Gotham City Garage
Wonder Woman by me (custom wig by @officialherohair and costume by @sewwhat73 )
Photo by our #cosdad @cosplayer_gallery

Categories: 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy
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