5 Months PP and struggling with PPD and body image (MB)

Age: 25
Number of births: 1
Months PP: 5

I am 25 years old and a stay at home mom and wife. I had Hyperemesis during the entirety of my pregnancy and only gained 5 lbs, but seeing as I was already “obese” at 196 lbs when I found out I was expecting my OB said not to worry (easy for them to say, they should try puking 6-14 times a day for 9 months straight!). I delivered my baby 5 months ago via emergency c-section after 18 hours of labor. (I cried so hard when they prepped me for surgery I puked. Last thing I wanted to do at the time).

I am 5’4″ and the last time I was weighed I was 195 (1 month PP) although I feel I’ve lost a few more lbs. I weighed 225 lbs before delivery of my son. Although my hips, thighs, butt and tummy grew, the only part that bothers me is the extra skin hanging down over the bulge left on my belly. Cute bras and panties can cover sagging breasts and big lumpy butts, but hiding a deflated, shriveled belly is harder. I’ve always been short with broad shoulders and wide hips, but my waist has always been tiny giving me an exaggerated hour glass shape that I loved.
I struggled to breastfeed even when doctors told me to give up and just accept formula. My son had a shallow latch and I was not producing milk so he would get frustrated and suckle furiously leaving blisters and broken skin. I had to switch to pumping and refused to give up (I had one episode where I broke down in hysterics because I pumped blood, lovely right?). Through internet research I have found out that I have hyperlastic tuberous breasts and therefore lack a significant amount of breast tissue. After finding out the reason for my lack of milk production and I am overjoyed to announce that I finally am able to almost exclusively breastfeed with only one 4 oz bottle of formula given a day! I no longer blame myself for poor milk production, its a common birth defect and I overcame it in the best way I could.

I am struggling with my body and how ruined it is as well as pp depression (which isn’t helping things). My husband insists that he loves my new body (He went nuts when he discovered how big my butt was getting during the pregnancy) but it’s hard to believe a man who turns down his wife’s advances when the baby is put to bed only to masturbate to porn after she too goes to bed (sobbing). I struggled late in the pregnancy as well because he had been watching “pregnant porn” and barely touching me all the while I was feeling friskier than ever. Why other look at pregnant women and not the one right in front of him? I thought it was just fear of hurting the baby, but he hasn’t stopped. This has also attributed to my lack of confidence. I’ve tried hard to talk to him about it but he gets defensive and angry and tells me “Its just what guys do” and that “I wasn’t giving him what he needed” (this was 4 weeks after surgery while I was hemorrhaging and was in pain) In all other aspects he’s an amazing husband and father, always going out of his way to do what’s best for our son and me.

I am now trying to stop focusing on my belly and focus on the tiny boy who loves to lay on it.

The first pic is of my 5 month pp belly. You can see where a stretch mark popped outwards into a little bubble. 2nd is a side view where you can see the “mother’s apron”

Size 16 Mom of 2 (Jen)

~Your Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8 months pp
~Any key words (second pregnancy, plus sized mom, cesarean, etc): cesarean, VBAC, plus sized, second pregnancy, Hypoplasia, IGT

I have 2 children. They are 19 months apart. The youngest is 8.5 months old in these pictures. I started this pregnancy at 206lbs and now weigh 203lbs. I gained 26.5lbs but lost most of it within 3months. My body however, is not looking the same even though I am lighter now than I was when I got pregnant. I look bigger still even though the scale says I am smaller. I had a c/section with my oldest for “failure to progress” since I didnt know any better at the time. I had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after c/section) with my youngest…which took a HUGE weight off my chest. My body WAS capable of doing it! I wasnt “broken”!

I currently weigh 203lbs and am a size 16. I started working out 3.5 months ago and was a size 18 and 210lbs. I run 3.5-4 miles at a time, 4-5 days a week and do strength training 4-5 days a week as well. My calorie limit is 1700 a day. It is so frustrating to be doing all this and STILL look like I do. I hate the way I look. I hate the fat overhang that I have. I hate the back fat. I hate the fact that from the side, my boobs and belly fall in one straight line.

I was always active and thin…then I gained a bunch of weight during a stressful time in my life…got pregnant before losing any of it and then got pregnant again when my oldest was only 10 months. I refuse to be in pictures anymore. I just want to cry when I see them, so whats the point?

I hate the way I look. and I hate my stupid, deformed breasts. Not only at they ugly and small, but they dont even work! I am not breast feeding due to Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT – tubular hypoplastic breasts – I only produce about 8oz of milk a day MAX even with all the supplements, prescriptions, pumping, nursing round the clock, etc..). I will never have breasts that dont look deformed…I used to console myself with the fact that they serve a purpose and as long as they can feed your children then who cares what they look like….but I cant even feed my babies!

The first picture is me 3 months pp from my first. The second picture is me at 38 weeks with my second (delivered at 41w5d). The rest were taken at 8.5 months pp from my second.