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You’ll Never Be Beautiful Again (Anonymous)

March 29, 2010

Age:23
Number of Pregnancies:1
Child: 1 unbelievably beautiful son, 8 months

I would love to share the name of my son or a before photo of myself or even a full picture of myself, but I can not bare the thought of someone I know reading this. I have this fear that must come from highschool that someone, somewhere, will see this and recognize me – than before I know it everyone I know gets an email about it and checks it out. Seeing the real me, not the me I allow people to see – The me that only my husband is allowed to see – barely.

I read these stories and think “I’m not the only one” but then I realize or at least feel like – I am. All these women seem so powerful and seem so proud of their flabby belly’s, saggy boobs and stretch marks. I just can’t comprehend how they do it!? Maybe they were once happy with themselves and can look back with fond memories and think “well.. I was hot and now I am a mom and I am proud of it”.

That’s not my story.

I have ALWAYS been overweight/obese. When I was 13 years old I wasn’t even 5feet tall and I was nearly 200lbs. I was teased, tormented, abused and harassed my entire childhood by classmates. When I hit highschool I vowed to be “that girl”. That girl that guys wanted and girls envied. Little did I know “that girl” already existed… A number of them infact. But I still wanted some guy to notice me. Through the years of highschool I managed to stay around 150lbs through anorexia and working out every day. On the day of my graduation I remember stepping on the scale and it hit 149lbs. It was the lowest I had ever been (that I could remember) and I was so proud. I wore my dress with such pride. It was a size 6! I hate itchy tags and I kept the tag on the dress to remind myself that once upon a time – I wore a size 6! I remember teachers and students, guys and girls always complimented me and told me how gorgeous, hot and great I looked – never truly thinking it myself. Then the guy of my dreams..The guy I had been “oogling” over for the past 4 years FINALLY asked me out. We were that “picture perfect couple”. The sweet wholesome image of the prom King and Queen. He told me I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen – yet 3 years earlier I doubt he would have ever said that to me.

After graduation I kept the weight off for a few years and then I stopped doing things.. I worked full time.. And I started to gain. 155 and I swore to myself I wouldn’t let the scale get any higher.. Than 160 and I started to tell myself it’s still ok but no more. Then that guy of my dreams proposed! I was getting MARRIED! And that weight just kept going up… 170…175! I SWORE I would look just as good as I did on my grad day so I dieted, exercised and thankfully on the day of my wedding I was 169lbs. I wanted to be in the 160′s – just telling myself that because it was a 6 and not a 7 I was prettier, I was worth more. I didn’t feel pretty on my wedding day because I knew I wasn’t as skinny as I wanted to be. I promised after the wedding and honeymoon I wasn’t going to “let myself go” and I was going to be that trophy wife my husband deserved. I was the lucky one. I had the “catch” and I needed to prove he had made a good decision. Yet.. That weight kept piling up. Before I knew it I was 183lbs! What happened!? I know people gain weight after highschool but it had only been 5 years and I put on 40 POUNDS??

Then I got pregnant. I thought – great – now what is going to happen to this body I was never happy with? Well, a curse and a blessing I was so sick I only gained 13lbs througout my pregnancy and lost 27pounds about two months after giving birth. I thought – YES – FINALLY! I’m going to be happy with myself! I am going to be “that mom” on the cover of all the magazines. “That mom” that gets her body back in no time and all the other mom’s envy! Yet… This stomach wasn’t tight like it used to be… It wasn’t smooth and sexy like once upon a time… It was flabby… stretch marks that looked more like a road map… What did I do to myself? I guess I got lazy and exhausted and the weight starting going back up….

Now I am back to 188lbs and I fight with myself every single day. You look fine… No, you ugly worthless piece of crap…. No no, you are pretty and technically you are at your pre-baby weight… You stupid lazy junk food eating, do nothing all day ugly woman, it’s no wonder your husband doesn’t look at you the same.. touch you the same… Not only are you hideously disfigured, it’s quite obvious your husband see’s the exact same thing you do.

It’s a constant battle.

I am afraid my husband is going to cheat on me. He says he is in love with me and I am beautiful and he never would cheat but then I see myself and it only confirms what I already know… Why WOUDLN’T he cheat?! He didn’t like me when I was fat in highschool.. And look at me! Who the HELL would be with me? So what if I am “nice” – I can be demanding, annoying, pushy, whiney, lazy… I seem to have more flaws than anything. I can’t even stand being naked. When I get in the shower I take maybe 5 minutes just enough time to wash myself and my hair and get out and cover myself right back up. There is RARELY a moment in the day I am naked. The thought horrifies me.

I KNOW my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me and knowing he is the reason my body is like this, is the only thing that keeps me going. I would go through this again without question, knowing at the end of it – My son will be there – But it’s so hard. It’s so hard! I live in Canada – 7 months of winter meaning I don’t have the luxury of walking outside everyday for exercise – We are a one income family meaning I don’t have the luxury of a gym membership. How am I supposed to teach my son to be fit and active if I look like this? How am I going to teach him to accept a women the way she is.. accept himself the way he is… If I can’t even accept myself?

Reading these stories and seeing pictures makes me understand I am not the only one out there – but I feel like I am. I can’t even put into words how ashamed and truly disgusted I am with myself. I feel like I never really enjoyed the body I had and now, I’ll never get it back and I will never enjoy my body ever again. The only way I am able to cope with every day life and actually wear something other than sweat pants and a shirt 3 times my size, is Spanx. I love them and they have been my saving grace, but what I would give to wear something and have only MY body underneath. What I would give to look in the mirror and smile instead of cringe. What I would give to feel attractive..beautiful..pretty..ok, even not ugly. What I would give to know my husband is attracted to me like he used to be. What I would give to not tell my husband to only take a picture of the baby and not us together because I am too ashamed and afraid to look back and go “yea.. I am what I promised I would never become..that fat, out of shape mother with the double chin.. The one that couldn’t keep up with their kid and used pregnancy as an excuse to stop trying”. What I would give…to be happy.

There is a picture of me during my pregnancy and then my post-baby belly at 8 months.

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19 Responses to “You’ll Never Be Beautiful Again (Anonymous)”

  1. Penelope Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    I recently had a baby too, and like you, I lost the weight, but my skin is different. I seriously would never give up the flab though if it meant not having my son, and if my husband doesn’t see the beauty of a wife who bore him a beautiful child, that is HIS deficiency (though I think he does, he is not a jerk who expects perfection).

    If you eat healthier, lots of fruits and veggies, and exercise at home (sit-ups, jump rope, etc) you would be a great example for your son, feel good about yourself, and not have to pay for a gym membership. Maybe you already do this (not sure, you mentioned you eat junk food), but you don’t need money or warm weather to treat yourself well. I hope you feel better about yourself soon, those pics don’t look that bad to me at all…in the first pic, you clearly seemed to gain your weight in your belly only, so you may just be harder on yourself than anyone else is.

  2. Audrey Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    It’s a shame society makes women feel like you do. Things can happen to your body that are out of your control. Things besides pregnancy (technically pregnancy IS in our control). It’s more important to just eat a good diet and get the right amount of excersize and be healthy, it’s how you feel not how you look. Yes, this world puts an emphasis on looks, but most people are shallow, that’s why you must work on your heart, that’s what attracts and draws the right kind of people to you. Just remember to teach your son that people (including women) come is all shapes,sizes,colors,etc. Not to judge people and not to be a shallow pig, that’s the greatest gift you can give to the world, not just another plastic mold of an “ideal” women.

  3. JUlie Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I”m so sorry that you feel so unhappy about youself and your husband. I Wish the best of luck to you. Try to think of the stretch marks as proff of having your son. Also if you want to try vitamin E oil that will help to get rid of your stretch marks instead of the lotions that you can buy. I hate that you feel so terrible about yourself, you brought a beautiful baby into the world and the body goes through so much. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

  4. Shan Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    I had stretch marks just like yours. And numbers to match. I do feel you… but you should still go easier on yourself. My stretch marks *did* eventually fade (though nothing like the time frame I’d read about). I’ve had another baby since and am pregnant again and thus far, no new stretch marks.

    I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I’m offering some anyway… If your husband is saying he loves you, believe him. You wouldn’t want someone always questioning your love. And if you don’t want him to cheat, find a way to stop acting like he is/has/will. A person (man or woman) can only take so much. If you need help to get strong again, get help. You are worth it. Your husband and son are also worth it.

    Be gentle on yourself and your husband, and hang in there. You can do it!

  5. me Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    i odnt think you look that bad, and like me you live in canada, i had my baby in september. I didnt get to go outside and wlak everyday but we do have malls and stuff, have you thought about that, for walks? there are stairs and lots of places to go, and its free.
    but honestly you dont look that bad, some have it worse in the look department and your not one of them. Dont be so hard on yourself, your 5 feet tall, i know its harderto lose wieght when yrou shorter but you can do it if youput your mind to it. Go in the kitchen right now and toss out all the junk, its makingyour body the way it is, the body you hate. I think you look ok fo rhaving a kid though.

  6. Charity Says:
    March 29th, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    It’s hard. I know it is. I’ve battled bulimia for over 10 years (I’m 24) and I have a son that is almost 19 months. I’ve lost almost all of my baby weight 3 times… yet this time was the best. I’m a single mom, it took about a month of saving, but I invested in a Wii and the Wii Active game. I can’t tell you the amount of difference. I work out for 20-30 mins 5 days a week. Eat smaller portions of the foods I like, and try not to eat after 6:00pm. I’m down to 153lbs (I’m a hair under 6ft) and I look tight, in shape, and I’m only ONE jeans size above my pre-baby size.

    Seriously, if you don’t feel confident enough to bare all (or at least some) for your husband (THAT YOU ARE EXTREMELY LUCKY TO HAVE), save your pennies, a dollar here, ten bucks there, and invest in a Wii. It lifted my self-esteem enormously.

  7. Abby Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 12:56 am

    I couldnt tear my eyes from your story. It breaks my heart that your negative self thoughts are filling your life with so much doubt. You sound lie an beautiful intelligent and vibrant woman.

    Your concerns about raising a strong, healthy and affectionate son touched my heart. As the mama of 2 boys this is something I often think about. I believe that by giving them self confidence and teaching them respect and appreciation of people as individuals we can raise the next generation with less doubt than we have.

    Also….. while you are saving for a gym membership or a wii fit try exercising with your babe they make a great little weight for lying arm lifts and sit ups and love a little kiss when you do some push ups…. pilates dvd’s can be very baby friendly also and just running around chasing and playing baby can burn calories.

    Take some time each day to see yourself through your babes eyes and absorb the wonder and beauty he sees to him you truly are the most beautiful woman on the world and will continue to be for many many years.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us :)

  8. I get it Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 8:17 am

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. As someone who has been overweight most of my life (the only time I was thin, I pretty much starved myself and worked out obsessively) I know how you feel about your body. I am 9 months post partum, and my body looks like yours. I live in the Pac Northwest and have the same weather issues to deal with as far as getting outside to exercise.
    I don’t have any brilliant advice for you, but I want to thank you for being brave enough to own the feelings you have. It’s not easy to admit to our weaknesses about body images, especially on a site that praises the post-baby body.

  9. GGB Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Don’t be so hard on yourself! I think you’re really depressed. Ask for help!
    Have you ever talked about it with your husband? Have you had the opportunity of sharing these feelings with a friend?
    It’s all in your mind! Beauty is so ephemeral and relative! Before starting a diet or gym, you need to excercise your selfesteem. That’s the healthiest thing you can do right now.
    Just relax, enjoy life!
    I wish you the best; good luck! :)

  10. Bryana Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 10:25 am

    I’m not here to bash, and it saddens me when I hear about women like you. We have pretty much the same story.
    I live in Canada, BC actually, I am 5 feet tall, 22 years old, and always had a battle with my weight. My posts are in here some where, there are 3 of them. Look up “Bryana” and read.
    Anyways, you need to look at yourself from the the inside out. We all seem to have this perception that we must be beautiful on the outside to appreciate the beauty on the inside. But truly, it is vice versa.
    Ask a women who is drop dead gorgeous, if she believes she is beautiful. Many don’t believe so. Because being outwardly beautiful often goes hand in hand within internal beauty and unfortunately many of us can’t even see that beauty.
    I had to work from the inside out. I still don’t have a perfect body, nor will I ever with the saggy skin and stretch marks from ankles to boobs. But I feel more beautiful now than I ever have, because I recognize just how beautiful the inside is…

  11. suzanne Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 10:58 am

    i hope that instead of saving money to get a wii or gym membership you consider therapy. if you can get a handle on your inner demons that may help you loose weight all on its own, it may feel more rewarding to loose the weight and not have your happiness hinged on it.

  12. Judith Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    When I saw your pic I was so surprised – I expected to see a flabby beached whale. But what I saw was a woman still recovering from childbirth. You say you were always on the heavy side – some of us are not meant to be super slim – it’s just not in our genes, but the positives are that often women with a bit more meat on them have beautiful skin, which it looks like you have. You won’t age like a super skinny either. But even in your circumstances you can exercise. Running after a toddler is great, so is housework. When the weather is good, walk, walk, walk. You don’t need a gym. Never use the lift, walk the stairs – it will be fun for your child too. Your husband loves YOU – as long as you don’t let yourself go and look after yourself, dress as well as you can, and don’t become a slob, why would he love you less because you are not a size 0. Don’t be so hard on yourself – skinny women hate their bodies too!

  13. charlie Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    I have huge issues with my body, with my weight specifically. I hate my butt, my thighs, my belly and those godawful love handles. But the funny part is that I have absolutely no problem with my stretch marks or bread dough belly or saggy boobs. Those I actually like. They mean I’ve done something, made people, not just let myself go. I don’t wear a bikini any more, but I don’t worry about someone seeing my skin. I just hate the fat underneath it.
    And no, I never liked my body before. Only now that I’m going gray (and not dying anymore) and going to pot do I finally feel okay. I guess because I can blame age and kids rather than admitting that I am too lazy to lose weight or I just happen to be ugly. Now it’s all a badge of honor. Again, this is if I wasn’t 20 pounds overweight.

  14. Ashley Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Maybe you have a friend that has p90x and would let you borrow it or burn it? I know a lot of people that have used it and it’s really worked for them, it’s something that you can do in your living room in an hour a day. You can do it if you really want it, and you can do it the healthy way this time! Good luck :)

  15. Mama&Ellie Says:
    March 31st, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Just one thing I wanna say…

    Even if you hate your body, take the pictures with your son anyway. You’ll regret it later if you don’t. I struggle with the same thing, but I know that looking back, if there aren’t any pictures of me with my daughter I’ll be very sad.

  16. Amanda Says:
    March 31st, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I, too, was surprised by your pictures. I thought I would see a huge flabby woman, but I didn’t. It is in your head and I think you should talk to someone professionally. It is robbing your son and your husband of their lovely wife and mommy. Do it for them if you can’t do it for yourself. But you are worth it too.

  17. TracyKM Says:
    April 7th, 2010 at 10:25 am

    I live in Canada too, and have about 5 months of winter. Yet, I get outside almost EVERYday, even WITH my baby. My third baby was born in Nov (2005), and the first winter, I had to walk my son to school a few blocks away, so she snuggled in a fleece pouch inside my coat. My neighbour, with two older girls, DROVE to the school! LOL. The next winter, when she was turning one, we lived quite a ways from the school. I strapped her onto my back in a mei tai and walked. Nearly everyday if the windchill wasn’t too bad. I also wore her around the house in a sling or mei tai. I certainly couldn’t afford a gym membership either! But by babywearing, I toned up my core muscles, my legs and butt looked AWESOME, and my weight stayed off. Put your son in a sling or wrap or mei tai, and do an hour of fast housework, up and down stairs (good posture please!), get outside, etc. http://www.mobywrap.com also has some great exercises on their website (but I wouldn’t recommend their wrap for the age of your baby now). I really hate reading that a mom has ‘no time’ to exercise. Wearing your baby while you do the things that take away your exercise time, IS AWESOME EXERCISE!!!

  18. Izabela Says:
    April 18th, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Hi, I totally understand your struggle with your body image, as I have the same. Ever since I remember I was unhappy about my looks and tought I was too fat. Just like you, I avoided pictures with my kids after they were born. Sometime down the line, when my second son was about 3 years and I weighted as much as 9mnths pregnant with him, I realized verys ad thing looking back at the pictures: I was getting bigger and bigger I thought: I used to be so skinny! I used to be skinny and think I am fat and thus I wasted this time, as I never truly enjoyed my body. From there, I decided to stop. I must say I also dieted a lot, loosing weight and putting it back on + extra pounds. Post partum tummy didn’t help my efforts to look great. But finally I realized I do not want to waste my life feeling sorry for myself. After all, we age too! What is a little extra weight when you have beautiful young face? But we, woman are told we should be perfect, look like models. We are praised for our looks. It drives me crazy whenever I hear someone praizing a woman for her looks. How little influance does she realy have on her body shape? Our bodies are mirrors of our souls and when the soul is suffering, the body is. I stayed “fat” for over a year and I finally grew to change my body. It’s a hard battle when you’re craving fatty fried foods like me and look for comfort in food. But by staying positive about my life and fighting depression I can eat healthy with less effort now. I read labels, cook at home and eat all tasty foods. The weight started to come off naturally. I want to continue to live like that. I want my food portions to be small, like they used to be. I don’t have to eat all those foods to feel better. I can do other things! And so can you. I wish you all the best and thank you so much for sharing. It’s like reading my inner thoughts, secret thoughts which should not be shared. However, the more negative self talk, the worst you feel. Try talking to yourself in your head in a positive way, whenever you hear this little nagger who tells you’re fat and ugly, fight back! Tell him it’s not true, you ARE beautiful. You are a woman. We are conected to circle of life in a magical way: by giving life. We are not babrie dolls for man to play with. We are ppowerful! I wish you all the best with your efforst!

  19. Megan Says:
    October 17th, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I feel the same way. There really is no way to be positive. I have a great husband that says all the same crap but its hard to believe. When we hooked up I was damn near perfect. Long beautiful hair, size 4, 5’6″, totally hot…even after having my first daughter. having my second daughter destroyed my looks. I am 25 pounds over weight with more stretch marks. I am so depressed. My husband was a little over weigh but since he started his new job hes as studley as can be. plus he looks about 5 years younger than he is. I feel like an old ugly, digusting cougar. I feel so sorry for him i told him today i dont want to have sex anymore. I’m too embarassed. hes full of shit hen he says im beautiful or the most beautiful girl to him. aethestics are athestetics (sp?) logic is logic men like drop dead gorgeous women not fat ugly old flabby garbage. I know… I was drop dead grogeous when he met me

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