Number of Pregnancies:1
Child: 1 unbelievably beautiful son, 8 months
I would love to share the name of my son or a before photo of myself or even a full picture of myself, but I can not bare the thought of someone I know reading this. I have this fear that must come from highschool that someone, somewhere, will see this and recognize me – than before I know it everyone I know gets an email about it and checks it out. Seeing the real me, not the me I allow people to see – The me that only my husband is allowed to see – barely.
I read these stories and think “I’m not the only one” but then I realize or at least feel like – I am. All these women seem so powerful and seem so proud of their flabby belly’s, saggy boobs and stretch marks. I just can’t comprehend how they do it!? Maybe they were once happy with themselves and can look back with fond memories and think “well.. I was hot and now I am a mom and I am proud of it”.
That’s not my story.
I have ALWAYS been overweight/obese. When I was 13 years old I wasn’t even 5feet tall and I was nearly 200lbs. I was teased, tormented, abused and harassed my entire childhood by classmates. When I hit highschool I vowed to be “that girl”. That girl that guys wanted and girls envied. Little did I know “that girl” already existed… A number of them infact. But I still wanted some guy to notice me. Through the years of highschool I managed to stay around 150lbs through anorexia and working out every day. On the day of my graduation I remember stepping on the scale and it hit 149lbs. It was the lowest I had ever been (that I could remember) and I was so proud. I wore my dress with such pride. It was a size 6! I hate itchy tags and I kept the tag on the dress to remind myself that once upon a time – I wore a size 6! I remember teachers and students, guys and girls always complimented me and told me how gorgeous, hot and great I looked – never truly thinking it myself. Then the guy of my dreams..The guy I had been “oogling” over for the past 4 years FINALLY asked me out. We were that “picture perfect couple”. The sweet wholesome image of the prom King and Queen. He told me I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen – yet 3 years earlier I doubt he would have ever said that to me.
After graduation I kept the weight off for a few years and then I stopped doing things.. I worked full time.. And I started to gain. 155 and I swore to myself I wouldn’t let the scale get any higher.. Than 160 and I started to tell myself it’s still ok but no more. Then that guy of my dreams proposed! I was getting MARRIED! And that weight just kept going up… 170…175! I SWORE I would look just as good as I did on my grad day so I dieted, exercised and thankfully on the day of my wedding I was 169lbs. I wanted to be in the 160’s – just telling myself that because it was a 6 and not a 7 I was prettier, I was worth more. I didn’t feel pretty on my wedding day because I knew I wasn’t as skinny as I wanted to be. I promised after the wedding and honeymoon I wasn’t going to “let myself go” and I was going to be that trophy wife my husband deserved. I was the lucky one. I had the “catch” and I needed to prove he had made a good decision. Yet.. That weight kept piling up. Before I knew it I was 183lbs! What happened!? I know people gain weight after highschool but it had only been 5 years and I put on 40 POUNDS??
Then I got pregnant. I thought – great – now what is going to happen to this body I was never happy with? Well, a curse and a blessing I was so sick I only gained 13lbs througout my pregnancy and lost 27pounds about two months after giving birth. I thought – YES – FINALLY! I’m going to be happy with myself! I am going to be “that mom” on the cover of all the magazines. “That mom” that gets her body back in no time and all the other mom’s envy! Yet… This stomach wasn’t tight like it used to be… It wasn’t smooth and sexy like once upon a time… It was flabby… stretch marks that looked more like a road map… What did I do to myself? I guess I got lazy and exhausted and the weight starting going back up….
Now I am back to 188lbs and I fight with myself every single day. You look fine… No, you ugly worthless piece of crap…. No no, you are pretty and technically you are at your pre-baby weight… You stupid lazy junk food eating, do nothing all day ugly woman, it’s no wonder your husband doesn’t look at you the same.. touch you the same… Not only are you hideously disfigured, it’s quite obvious your husband see’s the exact same thing you do.
It’s a constant battle.
I am afraid my husband is going to cheat on me. He says he is in love with me and I am beautiful and he never would cheat but then I see myself and it only confirms what I already know… Why WOUDLN’T he cheat?! He didn’t like me when I was fat in highschool.. And look at me! Who the HELL would be with me? So what if I am “nice” – I can be demanding, annoying, pushy, whiney, lazy… I seem to have more flaws than anything. I can’t even stand being naked. When I get in the shower I take maybe 5 minutes just enough time to wash myself and my hair and get out and cover myself right back up. There is RARELY a moment in the day I am naked. The thought horrifies me.
I KNOW my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me and knowing he is the reason my body is like this, is the only thing that keeps me going. I would go through this again without question, knowing at the end of it – My son will be there – But it’s so hard. It’s so hard! I live in Canada – 7 months of winter meaning I don’t have the luxury of walking outside everyday for exercise – We are a one income family meaning I don’t have the luxury of a gym membership. How am I supposed to teach my son to be fit and active if I look like this? How am I going to teach him to accept a women the way she is.. accept himself the way he is… If I can’t even accept myself?
Reading these stories and seeing pictures makes me understand I am not the only one out there – but I feel like I am. I can’t even put into words how ashamed and truly disgusted I am with myself. I feel like I never really enjoyed the body I had and now, I’ll never get it back and I will never enjoy my body ever again. The only way I am able to cope with every day life and actually wear something other than sweat pants and a shirt 3 times my size, is Spanx. I love them and they have been my saving grace, but what I would give to wear something and have only MY body underneath. What I would give to look in the mirror and smile instead of cringe. What I would give to feel attractive..beautiful..pretty..ok, even not ugly. What I would give to know my husband is attracted to me like he used to be. What I would give to not tell my husband to only take a picture of the baby and not us together because I am too ashamed and afraid to look back and go “yea.. I am what I promised I would never become..that fat, out of shape mother with the double chin.. The one that couldn’t keep up with their kid and used pregnancy as an excuse to stop trying”. What I would give…to be happy.
There is a picture of me during my pregnancy and then my post-baby belly at 8 months.