I have posted here several times now. This website keeps me going. Reminds me that there is nothing wrong with my body. There is something wrong with other’s expectations of me.
I am beautiful. I am strong. I am 21 and I have carried 2 babies 8 days overdue each. I have breastfed. i have fought the internal war when I had to give that up. I can balance a toddler on one hip with a baby in a sling and still go grocery shopping. I am a mother. I am an amazing mother. I don’t do everything right. Most of the time I don’t think I do anything right. But I am.And I do. I have birthed with pain meds. I have birthed naturally.
I will never have the body I had before I had my children. I DON’T WANT IT! It was beautiful, YES. It was flawless and unmarked. It was unappreciated and hated. And weak. Let it die now. I didn’t have a body I wanted. So I was given a new one by motherhood. It is not disgusting or flawed. It is new and full of life. It is strong. It can handle pain and heartache. It can handle a kick to the gut by a 3 year old and it can handle infection upon infection caused by improper breastfeeding.
My new body is bigger. It has more fat and skin. It has bigger breasts and a bigger butt. Thighs that refuse to tone. And stretch marks.
Let me tell you something about stretch marks. There is nothing about my body I love more. I can not explain it. These scars that cause women so much heartache are the greatest joy of my body. They are beautiful. They were given to me when my daughter’s grew within me. Each time adding more than I even thought possible. Like laugh lines that mark happiness and sun “damage” that shows a youth spent at the beach, my stretch marks show that I too have carried and birthed babies. No one has to like them or notice or appreciate them like i do. I never want them to go away.
I became pregnant with my first daughter when I was 16 years old. I am 5’6″ and I weighed 158 pounds and wore a size 11 in juniors. By 32 weeks, the week I was married to the father, I had gained 15 pounds. By the time I delivered 8 days overdue on January 9, 2006 I had gained 47 pounds, topping out at 205. I lost 20 in delivery. Leaving me at 185 pounds. And then lost NOTHING. During the 2nd year of my daughter’s life I worked my day down to 173 pounds. But then it worked it’s way back up again and when I found out I was pregnant with my second child on January 24, 2008 when I was 19 years old, I weighed 186 pounds and wore a size 15-17 in Juniors. Through out the pregnancy I gained 18 pounds and birthed my daughter 100% natural 8 days overdue on October 5, 2008. I lost the entire 18 pounds in delivery. When my second daughter was 7 months old I left my husband. Suddenly I had so much free time. There were whole days when I didn’t have the girls. I also only had my self and my children to pick up after. So I started to take care of myself again. I started working out every day, sadly I reverted back to my highschool ways and ate only 300 calories a day. But in only a few months I was down to 158 pounds. My PRE-MOTHERHOOD weight!!! I met another man and we started dating. He is a personal trainer and was not very happy about my eating habits or lack there of. So I started eating again. I have gained pretty much all the weight back. I weight 180 pounds right now. But I wear a size 13 in juniors and my body is not too bad looking. I know that I just don’t have the will power to bring my weight down the healthy way. Which is the only way to keep it down. So I might as well make the best with what I do have. So my goal is to have a sexy, voluptuous, curvy body. Instead of shooting for skinny. Which seems so unattainable to me, i just want the body I have to look the best it can.
*Picture 1: 9 months pregnant with #1
*Picture 2: 24 months post partum from #1
*Picture 3: 9 months pregnant with #2
*picture 4: 10 months post partum #2 158 pounds
*picture 5: 14 months post partum #2 180 pounds
*picture 6 & 7: The most beautiful gift ever received
~Age: 21 years old
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years and 14 months