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Where is my Self-Confidance? (Anonymous)

May 30, 2012

I am 24 years old. I have two children, 2 1/2 and 9 months old now. I met my husband back in 2007, he deployed for a year and then we began dating in July 2008. After three months we moved in together and after 8 months I was pregnant. It was unplanned as I was on birth control. I in no way will ever regret being pregnant at a young age. I had to give up college & much a of a social life but it was all worth it.

I had a massive weight gain with my first pregnancy, starting weight 138 and the day I gave birth I was 200 pounds. I had Preeclampsia by the end of my pregnancy and was induced 2 weeks early. 12 hours of labor and my baby girl was here. I’ll never forget that day.

Weight coming off with my first pregnancy seemed easy, I tried breast feeding for a month which I think helped in my weight loss. By a month with no working out, just eating right and drinking plenty of water, I lost 35 pounds of my baby weight. Then another 10 more pounds when I started working out a month before my wedding, which was just 5 months after the birth of my daughter. After my wedding, I just kind of let my body go. My husband loved my body, and I didn’t look awful but I still felt i did. Most depressing thing is having a baby who is 5 months old looking like i gave birth yesterday and then seeing a mom who is a tooth pick with a newborn. I guess some women are lucky?

My husband and I decided we wanted our children close together and so we started trying when my daughter was 6 months old. Nothing happened for months….but then tragically I lost my father when my daughter was 10 months old and for a month I just got depressed, lost hope of getting pregnant, knowing my father wouldn’t be here to see any more grandchildren.

When my daughter was a year old my husband and I discovered I was pregnant! We were so happy, I felt like it was a blessing from god. My depression got better, I accepted the death of my father and lived life as much as we possibly could as a family.

My weight gain with my second pregnancy was much less than with my first. I was 160 when I got pregnant with the second and when I gave birth to my son I weighed 195. The day I gave birth to my son, my mom couldn’t be there with me because she had to put my grandma into hospice who was diagnosed with cancer a month before my Dad passed away. So my depression just seemed to sky rocket. Not having my Dad with me, not having my Mom by my side and soon to be losing my only grandma left.

Two weeks passed and my grandma lost her battle with cancer.

Maybe I am a just weak minded person, I never thought I was. Depression took over me…at my 6 week check up my husband came with and unknowingly told my dr. that I was battling with depression and I needed something to help. I have always been strong and felt that taking depression pills made me weak, unstable and psycho.

It took a good month before I noticed a change.

I shouldn’t use my depression as an excuse to why I haven’t lost a lot of weight or fixed my body but I am so ashamed of how I look that I hate going out of the house. I don’t like being around old friends who haven’t gone through the childbearing process.

I have never been okay with the way I look, my sister called me fat all the time while growing up and sadly it has just stuck with me. My sister weighs less than 100 pounds and she also had a baby. So seeing her being so skinny a week after she had her son makes me feel horrible.
After my son was born, I got the implanon birth control. I in no way wanted to get pregnant until I have finished college and could fully help my husband support our family.

I was on it for four months, depression worsened, headaches were awful, and I had my period for 4 straight months. My husband and I had no sex life which was hurting our marriage by the day. I decided enough was enough and I was getting it out. A week later I felt amazing, my period stopped, my sex drive sky rocketed and my husband and I got a long amazingly and still do to this day.

We used condoms ever time we had sex, one night we didn’t have one and used the stupid pull out method…..which resulted in my getting pregnant with our “3rd Child”

We were shocked, scared and many other things. We weren’t financially ready to have another or mentally ready. Children take a lot of time work etc…..

After accepting we were having another, we started thinking of names, etc. I was 9 weeks pregnant and started cramping and spotting, called the dr. knowing it wasn’t normal.

Went in for blood work and ultrasound. Seeing the baby, I knew something wasn’t right, it was measuring 6 weeks when I was actually 9. So we had to meet with the dr. She told us we were going to miscarry. We were devastated, it’s been two weeks & I am still going through the miscarriage. I hope to be done soon.

I’ve been tired, feeling depressed, feeling I look disgusting….. I want to feel better soon.

9 months later after the birth of my son, I weigh 164. My goal is to weigh 140 again…. I have been walking/running which makes my days so much better.

This website gave me so much encouragement to face my body. Seeing other mothers in this world who struggle with the same body issues has made me feel better about myself, that I am not a lone. Thank you to all!

Nobody knows beauty until they have created children :)

I should add that before I had kids my bra size was 36 b now after two kids I wear a 36 DD…. That itself is hard to deal with, my boobs aren’t feeling young and perky anymore

Age: 24
Pregnancies: 3
Births: 2
Daughter is 2 1/2
Son is 9 months
9 Months pp
Vaginal Births, cellulite & some stretch marks

1st Picture: Me the summer before getting pregnant ( Brunette in black swim suit) Thought I was fat then.
2nd Picture: Me on the left the month I got pregnant (138 pounds)
3rd Picture: 5 months after my first child was born, my wedding day 150 pounds.
4th Picture: Me with my daughter 6 months after she was born
5th Picture: My stomach and thighs today 165 pounds
6th Picture: My breasts & stomach today
7th and 8th Pictures: Side views of my stomach
9th Picture: Thighs.

My stretch marks are worse on one side than the other. I have tried everything they make for stretch marks and nothing has helped. I do not tan anymore which I am sure helps with them looking less visible?

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7 Responses to “Where is my Self-Confidance? (Anonymous)”

  1. Megan Says:
    May 30th, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Please stop hating your body so much – you look so good! Just keep working at it… you can and will get your weight where you want it.
    PS I’m seven months pregnant right now and I hope that I can look as good as you postpartum! Your stretch marks are light and will fade to silver with time, making them hardly noticeable. :)

  2. MJ Says:
    May 30th, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Ok I’ll trade you lol! Your stomach is tight not flabby like mine! I have three kids 5, 3 & 1 year old I’m 25 and struggle with my weight too! I’m 5’8 and 175lbs want to get to 155-150 :) I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dad and grandma it has to be a very hard thing to deal with. Also sorry you had a miscarriage that is so difficult to go thru just no it’s not your fault. I’ve had 3 and blamed myself for a long time and once I “forgave” myself it was much easier to heal and be happy. I also had some ppd after my youngest was born I’m better now but it is a dark and scary place to be. Your beautiful just the way you are! Im not heavy heavy but I’ll my friends are tooth picks with kids and I always seem to be the biggest one and it sucks. My friend said she just sucks it in all day and it’s just natural now so I’ve been trying to do so for a couple days and my Abs hurt super bad lol I’ll try to keep it up!! Good luck Hun and congrats on mommy hood and wife hood!!

  3. Stacie Says:
    May 30th, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I started out with 36 B’s, and now I barely fill an A. Lol! I wish I had some boobs – try to enjoy yours!

  4. Stacia Says:
    May 30th, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Your stomach looks just like mine, i work hard on it but now i am just trying to accept myself and just cherish every moment with my daughter. I also highly recommend Bio Oil. I lived onit pregnant and months after. It really kept me from getting stretch marks and the ones i did get like yours on my hips have now faded almost completely and my daughter is 1. Its hard to love your body when like you said you see women who are stick thin after having kids and you gain so much weight and hardly any falls off. This website helped me alot and made me realized that even those stick thin ones have issues too. You are beautiful and so are your children and your children love you no matter what you look like!

  5. Amy Says:
    June 1st, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Thank you, all for the uplifting responses. It definitely made me feel happier seeing responses. I am not out to get attention, just hearing other mom’s with the same problems makes me feel not alone.
    I am slowly attempting to love my body. I’ll never look how I did, but as long as get healthy I wont complain.

  6. Melissa Says:
    June 5th, 2012 at 3:35 am

    But you look so fit! Can see ab definition above your belly (I have the belly thing too – it is going, but I think it takes a little time!), and your legs and bum look tiny. Just one little thing – when you work out, do you keep your ab muscles flat and ‘held in’ (kind of like MJ said!). Pregnancy weakens the transverse abs, I believe (am not an expert), and can result in the muscles rounding out. I just throw this out there, because you look so firm (feels weird commenting on another woman’s body like this!), so maybe the ab muscles need training to lie flat again.

    And stretch marks? Seriously? Actually had to look for them. I think you look amazing, and that you should give yourself a break. You have had such a rough time – losing a parent so young, especially when you’d just had a baby, must have been devastating.

  7. patricia Says:
    June 5th, 2012 at 7:53 am

    My son was born in Sept on the 24th, and I got implanon as well. It had all the negative affects that it could have. With my pregnancy I gained 70 pounds lost 25 right after birth and then I got the implanon. I stayed the same weight with no belly changes like most females get because of complications with birth I didn’t contract after birth. I got it out in Feb. And has lost 30 pounds since then. The fact that you have had two kids and look like that is great! Just keep working on it and you will see more results as time progresses just don’t give up!:)

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