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When he smiles (Anonymous)

I want to lie and say that I am comfortable with my body.
I want to say that I don’t give it a second thought.
The truth though…
The truth is that I think about it often.

I can be honest and say I think about it less now than I ever have.
This website helps.
Trying to maintain a healthy outlook helps.
Knowing, now that I have a son who has rocked my world, that love for a child…your own child…kicks all other types of love in the ass.

The emotion I feel when I look at my son conquers all.
If you are a mother, you know that.

You know that you would jump in front of ten speeding locomotives for your child.
You know that you would sacrifice all for your child.
You know that watching every first, step, bite and word is better than…well…is better than anything for which we have words.

I know that I am “lucky”.
I didn’t get stretch-marks (well, not many)
My body handled pregnancy well.
I carried small.

But, in reading what I have written, that “luck” seems trite and selfish and trivial.
It.
Does.
Not.
Matter.

What matters is growth and adaptation and health and happiness and love and memories.

Juicy watermelon running down my son’s chin.
Laughter as he splashes through a puddle.
His assuredness as he navigates his first steps.
That sweet smell of his milky breath first thing in the morning.

When he smiles.
When he smiles.
When he smiles.

I want to lie and say that I am comfortable with my body.
I want to say that I don’t give it a second thought.
The truth though…
The truth is that I think about it often.






Updated here.

in Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Poetry, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update

22 comments… add one

  • Brendy Monday, October 27, 2008, 6:35 pm

    Sweet poem.

    Wow, I never looked as good as you before I had kids! You look great.

  • mother2 Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 4:54 am

    Beautifully written and gorgeous body!

  • leah Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 8:00 am

    You’re absolutly beautiful!

  • Vikell Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 2:16 pm

    Are these suppose to be post baby pics? Your breasts are very round and perky (as well as nice small areolas and nipples) and your stomach is nice and flat. I do not see any stretch marks. If these are post baby pics I do not see what you are so worried about. You look great. You do not even look like you have had a baby.

  • Katie Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 2:19 pm

    Your poem made me cry. Your outlook is beautiful.

  • taiyo Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 7:50 pm

    You look amazing. It’s something that makes me so sad about our culture– that even women who “fit” the ideal cannot see how beautiful they are. You are beautiful on the outside, and I’m sure on the inside as well. I can relate to obsessing about my body (as I’m sure can 99% of women). One thing that helps me is to do things I love and am good at and that have nothing to do with the way I look. I find the busier I am, the less I think about it. You are lovely!

  • Kim Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 9:43 pm

    Very sweet words. You look fantastic!

  • MilkMama Wednesday, October 29, 2008, 10:46 am

    I agree you look amazing!

  • when he smiles author Wednesday, October 29, 2008, 5:07 pm

    Yes, these are my post-baby pics. I will post some pre-pregnancy ones as well when I update.

    Taiyo, I agree that our culture breeds women who are image obsessed. I am one in healing.

    Thanks all for the kind words. I am so grateful for this site.

  • Erica Thursday, October 30, 2008, 10:09 pm

    You have possibly the best looking breasts I’ve ever seen. Pregnancy has treated you well. I wish I had such perky breasts. My husband would never leave me alone!

  • Amanda Saturday, November 1, 2008, 7:12 pm

    I wish I could say that I sympathize for you, but you look amazing, really!! If I had your body I would never take off my bikini… or wear any clothes, haha! Honestly honey, you look fantastic.

  • Charity Monday, November 3, 2008, 6:06 pm

    I am soooo jealous of your boobs. They are gorgeous.

  • Rachel Monday, November 17, 2008, 6:31 pm

    That was beautiful! It made me cry! You are stunning inside and out.

  • rose Wednesday, November 19, 2008, 8:56 pm

    wow you have such a beautiful body! you should be so proud!id give anything to look like that! beautiful poem by the way :)

  • aimee Tuesday, December 2, 2008, 1:40 pm

    you look super hot! great body after kids, you look like me…we are lucky indeed!

  • David Wednesday, December 3, 2008, 7:04 pm

    I’m a man. Your world frightens and confuses me. I lurk in the shadows, observing that which men are not meant to see. And everywhere I go, I see the same strange phenomenon: beautiful women who think they’re ugly. I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first man to tell you that you’re hot. But you don’t believe it until you hear from other women. Why?

  • when he smiles author Friday, December 5, 2008, 4:50 pm

    David-I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s because most women (myself included) feel that for men, really, it may not take much. Women however, may understand the complexity behind the reality. This is a stereotype and I am generalizing. I know that. For me, it is on my mind and the work to separate identity from physicality continues.

  • Dana Friday, December 12, 2008, 9:24 am

    What a beautiful poem, and so true. Thank you!

  • Sidra Sunday, December 28, 2008, 1:54 am

    GUYS—that’s her PRE-pregnancy belly in the top pics!!

  • when he smiles author Saturday, January 3, 2009, 5:43 pm

    Sidra

    Thanks for your comment, but the top pics are 12 monthsPP.

    Happy new year to all.
    whenhesmilesauthor

  • Bevin Friday, March 13, 2009, 1:19 pm

    Amazing! I loved what you wrote. My beautiful little girl passed away when she was 29 days old, and what you wrote reminded me to be thankful for my “mommy body”, because from it came the most beautiful little angel! Thank you!

  • John Tuesday, February 2, 2010, 12:52 pm

    Your body is perfect – perfect

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