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When happily ever after comes crashing down… (Anonymous)

March 10, 2010

Age: 21
Pregnancies: 2 Births: 1 boy, now two years old.

Well, the past year has been a year of serious soul searching for me. I went from being a stay at home mom to being a full time college student AND working on top of it. We have been trying to get pregnant for the last year, which hasn’t worked out. I was on Depo so long it’s taken my system over a year to start working at all. Only recently have I started ovulating, we are still trying for our second child. The huge change in my lifestyle has had a huge impact on my body. I lost most of the baby weight. I’m 135 now, I was 120 before I got pregnant, and My son is almost two and a half now. I’m thinner, but I also look and feel older, also. I can see it in my face, in my posture, I’m so tired. I do personally feel better for having lost the weight, simply because my size was part of my personal identity. I gained 70 pounds during my pregnancy. I am not exaggerating, I went from 120 to 190. I lost 30 pounds the first 6 months, the stopped, for a year. I GAINED over 10 pounds (again) when I finished breastfeeding. I was 60 pounds heavier than my norm. I was used to being thin, and when my body type changed so dramatically so quickly, I felt like you do right after you get a really dramatic hair cut. Your not sure if your fond of it, you learn to love it because hey, until it grows back your stuck with it, but it doesn’t feel like YOU. You know? I was proud of my body for the miracle it gave, I still am, but I felt like I wasn’t in my own skin.

Anyways I lost the weight kinda by accident, because I became SOOO BUSY. Work then class then trying to find time with my toddler between mountains of homework then back to work again! I have a 3.9 GPA, I bust my ASS to get good grades in college. I’m constantly GOgoGOgoGo all the time. I’m quitting my job. I already talked to my boss about it. I’ll still be going to school full time, I’m halfway to my degree now.
Anyways, my body image took a huge blow when I found out over the holidays that my husband had an affair.
For over a year.
With my friend.
It started two weeks after my son was born.
I was devastated. Who am I kidding, I’m still devastated. I am dealing with a lot of aftershock issues upon discovery of the affair. I have never been in any serious relationship that I didn’t get cheated on. I now have some major trust issues: It went on for over a year without me knowing because I trusted him implicitly. However, I have no illusions about her being more attractive than I am. I am not conceded, but I’m not ignorant either. That monster is NOT attractive- she’s got a face for radio and a personality to match. She is stupid, selfish trailor trash, flat out. She is not smart, she is not kind, she is not talented, she is an awful parent, I KNOW I didnt get passed over for someone better. Men do NOT upgrade when they cheat, ladies.

We are still together. I decided not to throw his ass to the curb for a lot of reasons. The big one was that wasn’t what I WANTED. When it comes down to it, I have goals and dreams, and all of them have him in it. I want to have more children with him. I want to grow old with him. I want us to buy a home someday. I want my children to be raised with both parents in the same house. I WANT things. Yes, I could leave him. I’d be alone for a while, but I know eventually I would move on. Eventually I would probably find someone new, who I would love, but never in the same way, and we could have children someday, but that not what I WANT. He is still my highschool sweetheart. My BEST FRIEND. I may have learned that I don’t know him like I thought I did, (trust me ladies, I was completely 100% sure he would never, ever cheat. NO ONE is immune to infidelity.) But he is still my BEST friend. When I made MY wedding vows, I meant them. So we had a vow renewal thing on our anniversary, he is still jumping through hoops to make things better for me, we got matching tattoo’s, and life moves on.
One of the big blows was that it started TWO WEEKS after I gave birth to our son. When I was bloated, exhausted, and physically incapable of having sex with him. Of course HER at the time was half my size, and made herself incredibly available to him sexually. The affair stopped around the time I started losing baby weight. This had never occured to him. He swears it is just a coincidence, that none of that had ANYTHING to do with the affair. (he was never the shallow type)

but deep, deep down, that will always be in the back of my mind.
Deep down, I will always wonder if he didn’t go with the slutty blonde that was half my size because of how I looked at the time.
Thats very hard to say out loud.
I am still trying to cope with that. I’m so confused. Deep down, I’m afraid that if I have another baby it will happen again. But my biological clock is ticking like big ben, I WANT another baby, so so desperately! We have been trying for over a year now! obviously, the whole issue is way too complicated to gush out on here, as long as this ALREADY is. I just needed to Post these pictures, and say to the world: I am strong. I am a conqueror. I will not be destroyed.

The first pic is me NOW.
the second pic is me now and my two year old.
The third pic is me roughly a year postpartum.
The fourth is one of my tattoo’s: the tree of life. Symbolizing fertility, renewal and creation.

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20 Responses to “When happily ever after comes crashing down… (Anonymous)”

  1. kat Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    you are an incredibly strong, smart, caring, and beautiful (inside and out) woman. i can tell all that simply from reading your post. you will achieve your goals, you will continue to grow and nourish your baby/babies.
    in time you will decide if he (your husband/bf) is really what you want—it’s great that you are able to forgive and move on (forgiveness is a key to happiness) your strength and loving nature are very inspiring.
    all best :)

  2. kat Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    You are so amazingly beautiful! But that is just the tip of the iceberg for you. You are such a strong, determined, incredible person, he was a fool for even thinking about cheating! And to top it off, you are willing to forgive him! You are a much, much better person than I will ever be and I admire you for everything you’ve done. Your son and your future kids are so lucky to have a mother like you to look up to. God bless and you deserve the best.

  3. Eva Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    My Prayers are with you and may God continue to bless you and your family with streght and wiseness,and ongoing forgiveness, I can see you are a very wise women,I feel for you,
    i too went through a very similar situation 3 years ago, and yes its hard to comprehend why our husbands have affairs with less atractive women than their own wife,it was very devastating on my side to find out my own friend could betray me that way, since then i have a very hard time making friends around my age, now i just make friends with much older wise women and continue to pray to God for my marriage, i can agree with you for your reasons to stay with your husband, like you say we can leave them but it wont be the same, i could find a new love and more children but what if this new husband is an abuser, or lazy and doesnt have a decent job to support us, or grug addict, alcohol abuser, ect… and many other types of husbands, i just see the good in my husband he is none of those other type of husbands his only mistake was to fall in the hands of a deciving women :(

    Now 3 years later our marriage is affair free
    I say its do to Prayers to God :)

  4. Samantha Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    You are an amazing woman! It takes a lot of courage, strength, and emotion to put your life on here. You are gorgeous inside and out and deserve to be told so. You look fabulous! I would never have known you had a child 2+ years ago. Your tattoo is beautiful as well! My husband and I have been trying for over a year for our first and its been so rough for me. So I know how you feel trying for number 2. Hang in there girl! You seem like you’ve got your head screwed on tight and you’re definitely going places in this world! :) I truly hope that everything works out with your husband and that forgiveness and trust and encompass your life again.

  5. meredith Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I admire your ambition and drive. I couldn’t help but wince though at the thought of you setting your academic ambitions so high, and your personal prospects so low. I’m sure you realize that there is a great disparity here. Why do young women settle for so little? You are so, SOoo young still! You have so much time to complete your family. While reserving judgement in your choice of partner, I would urge you not to sell yourself short. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. You are a beautiful woman who deserves to be happy.

  6. un-named Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    I read your story and had to post. My daughter is 7 months and I found out her father was having an affair when she was 3 weeks old. I left him becasue this is the seond time its happened. We did the theapry thing the first time and moved on with our lives. But when it happened the seond time i couldn’t find the strength to forgive him again. And i knew in my heart he would never really change despite how much i wanted him to. Like you all of my future plans and goals involve him and right now im left just trying to accept that my life will never be what i wanted it to be.
    congrats on having the strength to forgive him and i hope and pray that it was a one time mistake on his part and that he never does it again. Good luck with your stuggles on trying to concive again. Wich you all the best.

  7. AC Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Keep Your head up, little daisy!! You are beautiful. The fact that You have a tattoo of a tree shows that You respect the continual process of human evolution…please allow Yourself to grow into a stronger and more lovely person every day.
    :)
    P.S. a man I LOVED (!!) left me, and I thought it was becuase of how I looked: years later I have come to terms with the fact that nothing I could have done would have made him stayed. The saying is true that”"No one falls in love by choice,
    it is by CHANCE
    No one stays in love by chance,
    it is by WORK.
    And no one falls out of love by chance,
    it is by CHOICE”
    :)

  8. Colleen Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    I hope it doesn’t bother you, but my husband came in while I was reading your post and his first comment was “wow, is one of these a ‘before’ picture?” We both agree you look AMAZING! You are a strong and beautiful woman and I hope your husband realizes how big a mistake he made by straying.

  9. em Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 4:42 am

    When I saw ur first picture I was blown away. Its such a beautiful pic capturing ur strength and elegance!

  10. Derrick Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    I feel for your plight, but there is one thing that bothers me as man. Women say they want to know why a man cheats, but really don’t want to accept the the obvious answer. You seem to be a very driven person and have great goals. The problem is that you
    can’t change a man’s character. A person never changes, but perspectives do. Run as fast as you can, and cut your losses. You are still very pretty
    and beautiful now. More kids to this man is more trouble down the road. A woman can’t change a man that’s a loser by pie in the sky ideals.

  11. Arielle Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    I went through something remarkably similar but I made different choices because he didn’t just cheat on me he beat me so I left. Oddly enough his lover and I fell in love and had a beautiful relationship. I embraced my body and my sexuality and she healed from abusive relationships as well. Although we aren’t still together I am so happy with my choices. You look AMAZING! Stay strong…women are incredible creatures <3

  12. Tabitha Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Hey!
    It sounds like we have a lot in common…I am the 22 year old mom of an 18 month old daughter, and I am also a full time college student working like crazy every day to stay on the Dean’s List at my school. Like you, I have also been cheated on by my best friend…and also had him break up with me when I told him I was pregnant…so I can definitely understand the complexities of cheating in the context of such an intimate friendship…
    But anyway, it’s really nice to “run in to” someone who is in a similar situation to mine! It can be hard being around ONLY young people who don’t have children. To me, it is a bit of an alienating experience. If you’d like to chat, email me: combeferre2@yahoo.com
    Also, you look lovely!! :)

  13. shannon Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    I do not want to judge you for making the choice to stay with your husband, just be careful…it is not like it was a 1 time thing…he did it for over a year…you deserve the best! You are beautiful :)

  14. Xtal Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    My ex husband def. did not do better than me. He paid prostitutes to sleep with them, then he photographed them (he is a photographer) playing on some swings in a park.
    I discovered the film and some reviews he posted about the said prostitutes on an online review board about strippers.
    He refused to seek counseling, refused to give up the computer in the spare bedroom, refused to explain why he did what he did, other than saying “he was unhappy”.
    I refused to stay with a man who was unhappy with me. I divorced him and it was the best decision I could do for myself. Most marriage vows cite something about fidelity. You are living up to your vows, but is he?

  15. avs Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 12:33 am

    umm I hate to say this, but I wasted wasted wasted four years of my young precious life with a cheater that I thought would change and realize the errors of his ways. he just got better at lying and I just got more deusional and lost more slef esteem. I am by no means teling you to leave him, becuase gd knows you won’t listen, but really you need to hear it from someone older and wiser, cheaters never stop cheating they don’t only do it once, they lack the basic respect for you to not do it, and they have no real remorse. Otherwise they would have just broken it off with you.
    N raining on your parade here. I just want you to know that cheaters cheat no matter what you look like, what you say how hard you work, and how you romanticize the relationship.

  16. Sally Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Girl, I am going to tell you this. Your body had absolutely NOTHING to do with your husband cheating. That “creature” your husband cheated on you with, was a woman who was willing to show him attention, and tell him what he wanted to hear. Men are extremely simple beings, the things they want out of life is a woman who adores them! Make him a sandwich, give him good lovin at night and they are putty in your hands.
    I completely understand in NO WAY shape or form, your husband should have EVER cheated on you, but if you plan on making things work with him in the future, he needs to be as important as your school, and your son. You can’t make the assumption that your husband is a grown man, and should be able to take care of himself. Don’t get me wrong, men aren’t stupid they are just wired differently. I will also say this again, EVERYONE makes their own decisions, and should accept the repercussions of their actions. Your husband cheated because you weren’t doing what he wanted you to do. It sounds like you are extremely strong, and caring person. I wish you ALL the happiness in the world, and suggest if you continue a relationship with your husband to read Dr. Laura’s “Proper Care and Feeding Husbands”
    Please don’t ever let him make you think that him cheating was in any shape or form your fault!!! You are a beautiful person,(body and mind) and even if you are busy he has no excuse for treating you this way.
    Again, I wish you ALL the luck in the world, and hope you get what is best for you and your son out of life!

  17. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Actually, I think we SHOULD assume that a grown up man knows how to act like a grown up. Sally, I understand what you are trying to say, but no matter how sweetly you put it, you are still laying blame on the original poster here and it is NOT HER FAULT in any way, shape, or form. We, as mothers who have to work and go to school, should be able to trust that our men can sometimes make their own sandwiches without running to another woman. Wired differently or not, they DO have the mental capacity to respect others around them and to not demand they act like nice people, I think, is disrespectful to men and dangerous to women.

  18. just me Says:
    March 25th, 2010 at 11:51 am

    been there… i´m a new fulltime student mom, have been with my boyfriend 8 years now, and last year when we found out i was pregnant, he started an affair with a coworker of his, just 2 days after the news… that lasted around 6 months, i was devastated, still am… he has been faithful for all this years and by the time i need him the most this happend.
    it´s been 7 months since our precious baby was born, and we are living together making things work… still working on our happily ever after

  19. annon. Says:
    April 22nd, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    My husband began an emotional affair with a woman he worked with a month after our son was born. I found out right away, due to my suspicious nature… but it still continued for months. I say all this because I know exactly how you feel… having it happen when you literally feel like the ugliest most un-sexy person on the planet. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
    I’m still with my husband as well… and I give you credit for staying with yours! Don’t listen to people who tell you to “be careful because…” based on their own experiences. Of COURSE you’re going to be careful! Of COURSE you’re guarding yourself, but working through it is a very brave thing to do… I don’t know that I could if my husband was physical with this chick. (I know you’re asking how I’m so sure… but again, the suspicious nature… trust me, there’s no way.)
    You look beautiful. A lot of times the reason why men do stupid things after babies come along is because of their own emotional insecurities. It has nothing to do with your body what-so-ever. As far as I’m concerned at least.
    I hope my belly goes back to what you look like now… I’m preggo with my 2nd. :/

  20. CntrClckWise Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Your own words:

    “I have never been in any serious relationship that I didn’t get cheated on.”
    “I was completely 100% sure he would never, ever cheat.”
    “We are still together.”

    So I ask you, are you deluding yourself again?

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