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Underneath it All (Heidi)

May 19, 2011

19 years old
1 pregnancy, 1 birth
3 1/2 months PP

In March of 2010, I met the man who would give me our beautiful son. I was the epitome of the typical (stereotyped) 18 year old, I stopped going to school to party all night and sleep all day. All I cared for was getting high, getting drunk, getting s*x. School wasn’t important, they told me I wasn’t going to graduate with my class (of ’10), so I gave up on going.

I got kicked out of my house a couple weeks after my 18th birthday (Feb. 26th), and spent a couple weeks bouncing from house to house until I met my fiancé. I moved in with him permanently, with a very strong intention to start a relationship.

Within about three weeks of us living together and being together, he asked if we could try to have a baby. I agreed wholeheartedly. I’m still not sure why, it just seemed like a good idea. Well, I was pregnant the next month. I had figured out my approximate window of time where I was ovulating, and two weeks later I missed my period (I was always regular). I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant! We were so excited, but we were the only ones. Everyone likes to form their own opinions: “too young”, “too soon into the relationship”, etc. I didn’t care, I was extremely happy.

I was 134lbs before pregnancy. within the first four months, I had dropped to 114lbs because I suffered from hyperemesis gavidarum. I was not hospitalized for it. I was only able to drink Pepsi (I don’t know why), and I could barely keep any food down. I was vomiting maybe seven times a day at the most, mainly when I got up the courage to try to eat something. I was always tired, but I pushed myself to go to “work” (I babysat three children next door from around 5-6pm until 2-3am) because it was the only income we had at the time. Eventually, I got so weak that I just could not bear the thought of babysitting, and I called off working for her one day (She didn’t even have work, she just wanted to go tan at the beach), and she fired me.
I was exhausted, but I was so happy to be 114lbs. I’d always struggled with my weight and body image. Even at 125lbs, I thought I was fat. I got stretch marks when I was only 13 (I hit puberty at 11) and my chest size when from a B to a D in one summer. I was around 127lbs, and I was horrified. I’m only 5’2″, and I felt terribly chunky. I knew I was predispositioned to be curvy, but I was a stick before, so I honestly had no idea what “curvy” meant.

114lbs was the thinnest I’d been since I was around 12. I didn’t “hate” that I’d only achieved the weight b/c I was pregnant, but you can bet I wished I could be that weight afterwards!

I didn’t start showing until about the end of my 5th month, but I was still happy with my weight, my shape (I was all belly at the time), everything.

By the end of my pregnancy, I weighed around 157lbs. I started suffering from depression again (I was diagnosed with MDD-Major Depressive Disorder at age 14) when I hit 145lbs. After I gave birth, my weight only went down to 154lbs. My son was born a healthy 6 lbs, 13 oz, but I hadn’t even lost that much! I was so disappointed.

To top it off, I had a very hard birth. My epidural only worked partially (on my legs, they might as well have not been there for how much I could feel them), so I had horrible, painful back labor, my midwife would not let my fiancé or my Mum help me with holding my legs at my chest (I don’t know why). I got an episiotomy at the very end of my 18 hour labor (three hours pushing) and my beautiful baby boy was born three pushes later at 1:56pm on January 12th, 2011.

I decided to breastfeed early on, and I am proud to say I still am (despite a nasty case of mastitis 3wks PP). I went down to about 147lbs in two weeks, but I haven’t gone below 153lbs since the end of 1 month PP. I was told by many nurses and midwives that the baby weight just melts off when you breastfeed. This has not been true for me, but I’m not going to stop feeding my son breastmilk just because of the stubborn fat.
I absolutely hate to look in the mirror though. All I see is fat everywhere. My thighs touch almost down to my knees, my stomach is poochy, stretched marked and squishy. My boobs are alright, I’m used to them being huge and they didn’t really get many stretch marks, I already had some from puberty, but I’d never been terribly self-conscious of those.

I wear a size 15. I get upset a lot going clothes shopping (which I don’t really do) because most of the stores I like to shop at, I can’t find my size. I went to the mall with my fiancé for my 19th bday, and I cried because I could not find one pair of pants that fit. I couldn’t even find a bra, because at the time I had shot up to a DD. I still grab shirts that would fit my prepregnancy body when I’m shopping. Sometimes I laugh when I realize my mistake, and sometimes I get very sad. I have absolutely no will to exercise, it never helped me much before. I look back at the body I used to have and I wonder why I was so unhappy with it. I’d love to be a size 5 again. At one point, I fit into a 0, but that’s way too much to ask for lol.

My fiancé is very supportive. He thinks I look just fine. He supports me wanting to lose weight, but I get mad and accuse him of thinking I’m fat when he asks me if I want to exercise or if he suggests buying an array of chocolate bars is not a good idea (I’ve always been a chocoholic).

I don’t believe him when he says I look fine, I’m always putting myself down. Sometimes it gives me a spark of happiness when he says I look good. Because I want to believe that I do. I want to feel like I do. One of my younger sisters asked me how I’m going to fit in a wedding dress if I’m so fat. She also told me I still look pregnant.

I hope that sometime soon I feel good in clothes and out of them. My goal weight is 130lbs by my wedding date, November 12th of this year. I have to be careful about rapid weight loss while breastfeeding though. I hope I can do it.

1st picture: Me in May of ’09
2nd picture: 8 months pregnant
3rd picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
4th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
5th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
6th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
7th picture: My son Ruskin Damian Dodge, 3 1/2mos
8th picture: My son again
9th picture: My beautiful family

Updated here.

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9 Responses to “Underneath it All (Heidi)”

  1. angels mom Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 8:17 am

    YOU ARE ONLY 3 MNTHS PP IN A COUPLE MONTHS YOU WILL SEE ALOT OF CHANGES I SUGGEST YOU TRY GO WALKING IN THE MORNING AND IN THE AFTERNOON YOU COULD TAKE THE BABY WITH YOU PUT HIM IN THE STROLLER AND GO WALKING AS LONG AS YOU CAN TRY FEED HIM AND CHANGE HIS DIAPER BEFORE YOU GO THEN ONCE YOU START SEEING IMPROVEMENTS KICK IT UP A NOTCH AND ASK YOUR FIANCE TO WATCH THE BABY WHEN HE IS HOME AND GO RUNNING, RUN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN THEN STOP N WALK AND RUN AGAIN GUDLUK HUN!

  2. Terressa Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Heidi you look GORGEOUS! I think you look fantastic for only being a few months postpartum. You have to give yourself time to fully heal (at LEAST a year). It took me until about 5 months PP to actually start losing some weight, you can get down to 130, the first step to getting motivated to lose the weight is NOT to beat yourself up about how ‘ugly’ or ‘fat’ you feel though. You look like a mother and that’s a beautiful thing. The first step to losing the weight is to learn to love yourself. I realized that when I was constantly moping about how much I hated being the only 15 year old that looked the way I did it wasn’t getting me anywhere as far as weight loss. It was just making me depressed and moody, and it was making me eat CONSTANTLY. Now that I’ve accepted my body and learned to love myself (saggy skin, stretch marks, and all) I’m happier and don’t brood as much on the fact. Being happy about myself actually motivated me more to do something about my weight. Even on the days when I don’t exercise I just keep constantly moving, I’ll clean, or cook, or take Maya on a walk. It works wonders. And like I said before, you look GREAT for just a few months postpartum. You’re really curvy and have great boobs! ;) Not to mention your stretch marks look great already, they’ll fade before you know it. Almost every woman gets them from having kids or puberty so they’re nothing to EVER be ashamed about, despite the media making a big fuss about them. Keep your head up girl, and wear your mommy body proud. <3 Oh and of course remember: dat a$$ dat a$$. :P

  3. Dee Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Your story is kinda like mine. I was a stereotypical party-girl teen in my prepregnancy days as well. I met my man a few months before and we were drug/f*ck buddies when I found I was pregnant. That’s crazy that you did it on purpose! But I totally commend you on your braveness and you showed everyone with all the snide comments because it worked out well for you.

    You know, I never felt like working out either. I felt like it was too much work and the amount of work I could put into it wasn’t going to be enough, so why bother? Well, I decided to give a shot anyways. I started going a very short walks every day. Soon I started feeling like I could take longer walks. I still can hardly walk over a mile, but I feel way healthier and even though the numbers on the scale haven’t changed that much

  4. amber Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 10:04 am

    you look amazing!!! dont worry that weight will continue to come off- just a simple walk around the block with your baby will tremendously help… keep breastefeeding. gorgeous family!!!! love those tatas!!

  5. misho Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 11:45 am

    My sister was (well, still is) very slender and she was discouraged when she couldn’t lose the last bit of baby weight while she is breastfeeding. Her doctor told her that for people who were very slender before having a baby, sometimes their body will hold on to that bit of “extra” to make sure there is always enough to make milk for babe. I mean, it makes sense! :) Good luck!

  6. luckychrm Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    We are similar sizes and have similar dilemmas when shopping for clothes. I tried to explain it to my husband, why I didn’t want him to wash the new swimsuit I bought online which is the only thing I’ve found for my height that fits a DD cup somewhat- and that isn’t even well, plus now I’m I’m 3 or 4 d’s anway- he’s like, “they’re (my breasts) not so huge, they don’t look any bigger than anyone else’s!”. That got me thinking that I was just obsessing on this trait- but it is really true: if you have a DD cup or larger, especially on a petite frame, good luck getting clothes off the rack that fit.

    I recently learned about http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ curvaceous styles that can be revealing or modest, but that FIT the full breasted gal.

    Hang in there :)

  7. Melissa Says:
    May 29th, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    You look fantastic. A little tip, look for pants in the womens section instead of the juniors section(even size pants rather than odd size). They are made for women with hips and will fit much better. You are only 3 months post baby, give yourself a break! I lost about 20lbs right away with both of my kids then nothing until 6 months when it did seem to just melt away. It was strange but happened both times and I have several friends that have had the same happen. I suppose it doesn’t happen for everyone but give yourself more time. Good job keeping up the breastfeeding!!

  8. Angela Says:
    June 9th, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    You look great. I just wanted to let you know that for most of us that breastfeed, the weight starts to come off rapidly in the 6th-8th month. Also, walking with the baby is a good way to just keep moving.

  9. Kristen Says:
    June 26th, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    First of all YOUR SON IS SO STINKIN CUTE! If you had to sacrifice your looks for somethign what a better reason than him?

    Secondly like everyone else is saying you are only 3 1/2 months pp… give it time. You look amazing for the time line. remember loosing weight tooo fast is unhealthy. Trust me I threw myself into loosing weight after my second child because i heard it was harder after the second to loss weight and now i am struggling with blood sugar issues and vitiam issues.

    So remember in good time you will look the way you want to look. And if ur sig other loves you and thinks youre attractive that is all the matters.

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