I have had a life long issue with my body. My sister and I agree it was made worse by our grandmothers constant comments such as “Turn side ways and you will look skinnier (in pictures) and “You know you don’t have to eat all of that.” I still have the scars from self hate and low self esteem.
When I was 16, 5’8, 140lbs, size 7/8 and literally starving, I thought I was fat and ugly. I limited myself to one small low fat meal a day. After dropping a dangerous 10 lbs in 2 weeks I still thought “Just 10 more”. Luckily I realized what I was doing to myself before it caused serious harm.
When I was 19 I began to cut myself with razor blades. I still have the scars and always will, some more visible and prominent than others. I didn’t fully recover until I was pregnant with my second son, I was sad and depressed and I tried to cut myself, but I couldn’t. I made myself, and realized I didn’t like it anymore. One more hurdle jumped.
I always wanted to be a mom. When I was pregnant with both my boys I loved my body, it was big and beautiful and it was growing a baby. After I had my first son I lost 30 of the 40lbs I had gained, yet I still thought I was so fat. After my second son I just gave up, I was fat and hated my body, I gave up on ever feeling pretty again. I went from a size 10/12 and medium, before my first son to size 16 and Xlarge, one year after my second son. I want to join a gym, and start working out, and to feel better about my body. But I know that before I can feel good about my body, I have to accept it. I could be skinny as can be, and I would still find something I thought was ‘too fat’.
I don’t know how to get over that, but after looking at your site I feel better knowing that I am not alone, and realize that everyone woman has to come to terms with her post pardum body in their own way. Hopefully I can come to terms with mine before my children (and future children) begin the cycle of self hate and low self esteem that I have had to travel.
In my second picture you can see three light scars on my stomach from where I cut myself. They are a bit more prominet when pregnant, but thankfully they now blend in with my fading stretch marks, my beautiful badges of motherhood.
My husband says I am beautiful, and I know he means it. I just hope someday I can believe it as well.