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Trying to Love Me (Katy)

November 13, 2012

24 years old
9months pregnant with my first baby
Pictures first 3 are of me 5 weeks away from my due date last one is the day I found out I was pregnant (4weeks along)

Like some of the other stories i’ve read on here, I’ve never thought that I was beautiful. Looking back on my engagement pictures or pictures from high school I see someone different than I saw in the mirror at the time. I weighed about 150 in high school and I felt like I was overweight and ugly, but now I don’t see it the same way at all. My weight has never been what i thought it “should be” and i’ve never appreciated the way my body looks In the moment. I can look back and say, “oh, I didnt look as bad back then, why did i hate my body?!” But then I hypocritically do the exact same thing now, I look at my stretch marks that have completely taken over my body and I see the flab and rolls and I consider how little of the 40 pounds i’ve gained is actually my baby. I am 9 months pregnant now due to have my baby boy on thanksgiving day, i’m So happy and I can’t Wait for him to be in my arms! I currently weigh 240 pounds. I hate saying that number and even typing it makes me cringe. I had creeped up to 207lb’s before I got pregnant and started exercising about a month before I got pregnant and then morning sickness and tiredness took over. Ever since I was about 6 months along I get so many comments from people saying how huge I am. They say it at church every week, as if i’ve forgotten. Another comment I frequently get is “are you sure there aren’t twins/triplets in there?!” That comment not only makes me feel like i’m the fat woman at a circus but it hurts because we did have twins. I was carrying two babies but one of them died at about 9 weeks and then slowly dissolved and just disappeared. When we first found out there were two but the Dr. couldn’t detect a heart beat for the second one he said ” Maybe it will turn out to be fine and we’ll get a heart beat next time!” We asked again for clarification before we left the appointment and he said ” well most likely it will just resolve itself and dissolve.. Its not likely that the baby will live” we prayed and prayed for months that the baby would be alive and well at our next ultrasound. But it wasn’t. It took several months for it to dissolve though, It hurt so much to see that still form and at the same time be happy at the bouncing, kicking, healthy baby. Sometimes I still feel guilty for missing our other baby, since I still have one inside me.. I should just be overjoyed about that one. I tell myself that after the baby comes I’m going to work hard and shed not only the baby weight but the extra weight I needed to lose before I got pregnant! I don’t even have a goal weight right now, its too depressing to think of how much I should lose. I really wish that I could look at myself and see someone beautiful no matter what I weigh! My husband sometimes gets frustrated because he “wishes I could see what he sees” I know that I should appreciate my body. I know that its doing something amazing by making and keeping our baby safe. I know that down the road i’ll look at pictures of me pregnant and probably say ” I didn’t look that bad” But even knowing all of this I truly do Not know how to love me, right now, the way that I am. My body has changed forever because of this pregnancy, I want to let the past go and love my body NOW. Can anyone tell me how?

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5 Responses to “Trying to Love Me (Katy)”

  1. mrspetunia Says:
    November 13th, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    If there were a list of things not to say to pregnant women, at the top of that list would be, “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” Ugh! Trust me, don’t take it personally. I get both extremes, some people comment on how small I am while others act like I’m a ginormous whale (I’m due November 28th). Anyway, your belly looks just right to me! I hope your birth goes well. I know you’ll be so excited to have that little one in your arms :)

  2. Rachel Says:
    November 17th, 2012 at 5:02 am

    I have a lot of these same thoughts about body image and not wanting to make the mistake of not loving myself now. I also have lots of stretch marks. Try thinking about the people you love most. Chances are they are not all perfect looking. Try to give yourself the same forgiveness for “flaws”that you give them. Good luck. Also, I’ve found that exercising helps me have a better body image, even if I don’t look any different because of it (though things are changing slowly)

  3. erika Says:
    November 24th, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    After your beautiful baby is born, none of this should matter. Because you’re going to look at what you have created and smile, because the pain of stretch marks and embarrassment and everything else that you feel right now will be totally worth it. Of course you’re going to get huge! You’re carrying a person! Your baby wont see what you see. Your baby will see the best thing it will ever have; a mommy. Don’t be so hard on yourself, even though sometimes it’s tough not to feel that way. Listen to your husband and trust him on it. You’re all right, mama. You’re a woman. You’re beautiful. :-)

  4. Claudia Says:
    December 1st, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    You are beautiful strong and awesome! I have been where you have been. I have had 2 pregnancies. The first pregnancy I found out I was having twins. I got so excited and it was the happiest time of my life. I had extreme morning sickness but I thought I was fine. I got sicker and sicker and after 3 months my twins passed on. The doctors didn’t have any reasoning as to why this happened to me. But my gut tells me it was from severe dehydration and a bad doctor who didn’t advise me to go to the hospital sooner. I was severely depressed for 2 years after wards. I kind of gave up on life. Just turned my back on everyone and everything. I got so mad at god I just stopped praying. No one could understand. Then I got pregnant again and had the severe sickness but got iv treatment immediately. I worried and worried my whole pregnancy. I was so worried I would have another miscarriage. But god came through. God let my little baby live. My son was born 6 weeks early but he is doing great now and is 6 months old. I thank god every day for him. He’s my angel. All I can tell you is to hang in there and I understand how you feel. Once your baby is born it is like being reborn yourself and a lot of the pain you had in the past becomes bearable because you have a precious baby to hold. Don’t worry about your body or stretch marks. I had the exact amount of marks and now 6 months later they are a lot less. I still see them but not as much. When things get too hard for me I pray to god for help and I always find some sort of peace that way. God bless you and your child. And know that now in this moment you are perfect the way you are.

  5. Kate Says:
    February 3rd, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Hugs. You are beautiful.

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