Well here it is. I am a 20-year-old mommy to be. For the last 8 years I’ve struggled on and off with an eating disorder.I wish I could say that I outgrew it and realized I had a problem and got over it, but that’s not true. I know that it’s a problem, but it’s not something that I could let go of. Like any other addiction it’s just not that easy. But I can say that since I’ve been pregnant I HAVE let it go, if only for now. I’m hoping that maybe eating normally for 9 months will have broken me of this awful habit, but you never know until you test yourself. So I can’t say I will definitely be better after Caden is born, but I can say that I will try. But here’s the good part of all this. I’m completely shocked at how easily I’ve accepted my pregnant body. Even how excited I’ve been about it. Until recently I loved absolutely everything about it, yes, I had moments where I would feel insecure but for the most part I thought my baby belly was the cutest thing. And I say until recently because in the last month I’ve gotten lots more stretch marks. At first I was getting a few on my hips and LOTS on my breasts but I was ok with that, I had expected it and they weren’t that bad so I didn’t really mind them. But then I noticed one on my belly, just one, and I totally panicked. After I’d reached week 30 and I was still virtually stretch mark free, I had rejoiced a little and relaxed about it thinking I wouldn’t get any, but then low and behold here’s this little uninvited guest invading my belly space. I have to say it took all I had not to cry, but I didn’t. Instead I just started worrying constantly that I would get more and I would be horribly disfigured. Well I did get more. A LOT more. And although I’ve seen much, much worse on other people I felt so ugly and disgusting I just wanted to sit in my room and cry. I started to really dwell on it, it was all I thought about, every day I would look at my belly and just feel completely disgusted. I didn’t even want Justin to look at me and I was totally embarrassed for anyone to know. But slowly something great began to happen. I won’t say I started to like them or think they were beautiful like some mothers do, but I started to ACCEPT them for what they were, the marks my beautiful little boy had left on my body. Proof that I had done the ultimate thing, I had created and nurtured a brand new life. I was more than just a silly little girl now, I had become a strong, amazing WOMAN. And not just any woman, a mother. Caden isn’t here yet and I still don’t know what my belly will look like after he is, it may be just awful, but I am optimistic. And even if it is terrible and I will have days, maybe even weeks where I feel terrible and unattractive, the fact still remains that I am the way I am because I brought a beautiful new life into this world. I don’t expect to look the way I did before I got pregnant, but I will work very hard to at least look my best and feel great about myself again. I know that I’ve done well and I haven’t gained 50 pounds or anything. For the most part, other than my belly I am still the same size. Of course I have gained SOME extra weight but I guess I’m really not a moose after all, lol. Along the way I’ll just have to remind myself that it was all worth it and I did a fantastic thing. Not everyone can go through an entire pregnancy and barely gain a pound and escape the dreaded stretch marks. But pounds can be lost, and stretch marks will fade. One thing that won’t, however, is my love for my little man. I know that when I finally see him for the first time it will all have been worth each and every little scar. And the first time he says “Mommy” I’m sure I’ll forget all these insecurities completely. I can only hope that his father will realize the same things I have and be more supportive. I always thought that he would be overjoyed and understanding but it turns out he’s pretty much repulsed by my new body. I know he can’t help it but it still hurts a lot, I don’t think the stretch marks would really bother me at all if they didn’t bother him. But I guess we can only see… So there’s my story, completely open and blatant honesty. Think and say what you will because this is something I needed to say. And who knows, maybe it will help another mommy deal with her thoughts and insecurities. I can only hope so. Here are some photos all throughout my pregnancy, I’ll post some more once he gets here!