My sons age : 1 month
I had a beautiful son January 8th, 2012, and on that day, I felt like a new person. All of a sudden, life had a meaning. I look into his eyes and I see his crazy, but amazing personality. And I cannot believe that I created something so amazing. He is my whole life. However, when I look in the mirror I want to cringe at how I look, and it makes me feel like a bad mom. I have this amazing little boy to hold and love, and I am concerned about my body? I have issues with my body for a long time, though….
I was always a little on the bigger side. My senior year of high school I finally tipped the scale at 170 pounds (I am 5’5”). I got so depressed. I started working out and eating a little less, I lost 25 pounds. Which that was good for a while. Then I started dating who is now my husband. Which he loves how I look and always has. But after a year of dating, his parents invited us to go camping for a week at a lake. I got so scared about being in a swimsuit. So, I started dieting and working out…It got so out of control. Over the course of a few months I went from 145 to 93 pounds. And I have kind of a medium build body, so I had bones sticking out everywhere, but I still felt so fat. Towards the end of my dieting disaster, I was only eating an apple a day. And even then I felt like it was going to make me fat. I would walk 2 miles to work, be on my feet for 8-12 hours and then walk the 2 miles back. I did this 6 days a week. And even then, I would sometimes wake up in the morning to go on a jog. But after a while, I had no energy. I even got tired just walking to the bathroom, but I didn’t care. In September, 2010 I missed my period and thought I was pregnant. So I put my selfish ways aside and started eating normal, for the sake of the possible child. I took many tests and they were negative. But just in case they were wrong, I kept eating and so my weight kept going up. I finally got my period again 3 months later. My doctor said my period stopped because I wasn’t eating enough. I was super devastated that I wasn’t pregnant, because I liked that idea. So, I decided to keep eating and then after a months of me getting healthier, my husband and I decided we would try to have a baby. We weren’t planning on succeeding the first month =)
I started my pregnancy at 130. By the time I delivered, I was a whopping 212 pounds. I have a thyroid problem, which was discovered halfway through my pregnancy. I didn’t have gestational diabetes and my baby and I were healthy, so I was hoping most of it would come right off after delivery….I was SOOOO wrong. I am not down to 180 pounds and cannot lose anymore. I am breastfeeding, and I was hoping that would help me lose weight, but I haven’t lost anything. I am watching what I eat, and exercising lightly. (I will exercise more once I get the okay from my doc at my next check up). I hate how I look…My belly is squishy and jiggly and just hangs there, and I have stretch marks like crazy (which is understandable since my son was 8 pounds 13 ounces!!!). But I hate it…i feel so gross…i still wear my maternity pants because the band holds in my sagging belly, which, wearing my maternity pants is pretty embarrassing too.
I don’t know what to do or think. I love my son and I wouldn’t change it for the world, no matter how bad I think I look. But, it’s tough knowing what I used to look like and then looking at how I am now. I guess I will have to get over it, cause it’s not like it’s going to change just cause I wish that it would…Once I am done breastfeeding him next year, I am going to go on a HEALTHY diet and exercise a lot more. I really don’t want to go back to how I was, but that is how I feel….I have to force myself to eat now because I ignore my hunger and feel guilty every time I eat. Oh well, I guess…I have beautiful son out of it, so I can’t complain too much =)