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Trying Not To Be Sad, But I Just Can’t Help It (Anonymous)

January 7, 2011

Age:22
1pregnancy/1birth
4 weeks PP

I was 21 when I found out I
was pregnant. The father & I had only been serious for about 6 months at the time, but he being 6 years older than me was ready to settle down & took the news better than I did. I never had a perfect body by any means, I am 5’4″ and fluctuated between 125-145 ever since I was 15 years old. I was just like any other girl my age and hated my body. Now looking back, I would pay any amount of money to have it again. I was a 36C and thought my boobs were saggy. Haha!! I clearly did not know the meaning. When I first found out I thought since I was so young I would gain the minimum amount of weight and I’d bounce right back to prepregnancy size.

Boy was I wrong!

On 11/18/2010 I went to my weekly check up (I was 38 weeks pregnant) Everything went just like any of the other appointments I had had. I was weighed, and at this point had gained exactly 40lbs. (putting me at 174) I got my cervix checked for dilation & was still 2cm which I had been for the past month. They asked me the normal questions… ‘have you felt the baby move today?’ and not really thinking anything of it I replied ‘no not yet today, she generally sleeps until about 4pm’ well, the doctor did not like the sounds of that. He sent me right over to the hospital where I was hooked up to all the monitors. They explained to me that I could choose to be induced but since my body technically wasn’t ready to give birth yet and given the size of the baby (according to my ultrasounds she was already about 9lbs) that there would be an 80% chance I would end up needing an emergency c-section. So I chose to just go ahead with the cesarean. At 11:47 that evening Kenleigh Madison was born at 8lbs9oz & 20 1/2 inches long. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on.

The recovery from the surgery really wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I was up and walking 12 hours later and only ended up staying in the hospital for a total of 2 days.

Now I’m stuck staring in the mirror at this, for lack of a better word, this mess.

All the extra weight just sits around my mid section, my love handles, my ponch. Looking at myself truly grosses me out. I can’t fit into any of my clothes and it’s so frustrating because it’s literally just the one area. My legs and arms and face all shrunk back immediately. And the stretch marks under my belly button are so awful & painful the sight of them brings tears to my eyes. Even my belly button is twice it’s normal size! I wish I had at least tried to give birth vaginally, because I fear I will never be able to lose the baggage due to damage that has been done to my abdominal muscles. The scar itself doesn’t bother me, it’s low enough that it’s easily hidden. But everything else about my stomach is a nightmare. & my boobs!! I’m 22 and now have the breasts of a 40 year old. I just fear that my boyfriend will lose interest. If not because of my body, than because of my lack of confidence. And I just can’t help it. We’ve talked about marriage before & during my pregnancy and I’m afraid that now that he sees what my body looks like that he will think twice and not propose.

The pictures I’ve included are:
1)my body prepregnancy
2) about 9 months pregnant
3) the 1st time I held my beautiful baby girl
4) Kenleigh a day old
5&6) my body 4weeks PP
7) my scar

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17 Responses to “Trying Not To Be Sad, But I Just Can’t Help It (Anonymous)”

  1. proudmama Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 8:38 am

    First of all, what a beautiful little girl you have there. Such a doll!:)

    I think you look amazing for only 4 weeks, wow! It took me at least twice that to look anything remotely close to what you look like now. And your scar healed well. Mine didn’t and I now have this awful scar that’s just starting to look decent.

    Reading this, I was reminded a lot of what I went through. I too had a nine pound baby, an emergency c-section and no idea of what to expect in terms of what my body would look like. I promise it will get better. Your uterus wasn’t even back to its normal size in these pictures. I know we’d like to just bounce back within weeks, that’s completely unrealistic.

    It took me about 5 months to lose all the extra weight (I had gained 40 pounds as well) and even then my clothes didn’t feel properly. Well 14 months later, my body is still changing. Even thought it doesn’t look anything like it did before, I think it looks better because it carried life. I’ve actually gone down a size from pre-pregnancy, it just took over a year to get there. I know it’s easier said then done, but for now concentrate on that beautiful baby girl. Before you know it (believe me) she’ll be walking around and talking and even though that’s wonderful, you’ll long for when she was tiny.

    I’m sure your boyfriend sees what I see: a beautiful woman who gave birth to a precious little girl. Chin up, mama!

  2. Kerry Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 9:29 am

    You are only 1 month post partum! Give yourself time honey, at 1 month my belly button was still an outie! You have a very nice shape and your belly will shrink a lot in the next year, and even if it didn’t you are still beautiful. I think your stretch marks are quite minimal, I couldn’t even see them till I enlarged your picture. Your skin looks very smooth and flawless. Your daughter is precious, welcome to motherhood! :)

  3. Stacy Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 9:36 am

    You are only 4 weeks PP. Trust me… you look beautiful and not at all like you think you do and it will all flatten out and tighten up over the next months/year. I promise. Been there done that as so many women have. You have only given yourself one month and your body needs a little more time than that. I have 6 kids but I have to give myself 18monts-2 years to fully see the results of the latest pregnancy.

    Peace.

  4. Jenny K Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Girl you look good! And it only been 4 weeks!! Give it time. I am also 22 but i have 2 kids and everything else looks fine except for my belly. It gets better over time though, promise. With my first son it took a year before i looked normal again. Congrats on the little one!

  5. Lisa Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Im sorry but I find your post offensive, Iam 40 and my boobs I think look fine, I am a NON SAGGY 34b, please dont pigeon hole all 40 year old women, as I probably look pretty damn good for having 2 children and being 5 9 and 130 pounds and fit as hell. thank you.

  6. Colleen Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    At 4 weeks your uterus isn’t even completely back to it’s pre-pregnancy size yet–no wonder your tummy looks poochy!

    I’m not entirely clear on why you had to deliver at 38 weeks. If your body wasn’t ready to give birth yet, why did they make you? There’s evidence that labor occurs when the baby is ready, and I think your doctor was just being impatient. Also, abdominal muscles are not cut during a cesarean, they are pulled out of the way with spreaders.

    If your boyfriend does not propose because of your body, you’re probably better off without him. But honestly, I think he will see what the rest of us see–a lovely womanly body that has VERY RECENTLY given birth and is already on it’s way back to a non-pregnant state. Give it a little bit of time. You can’t expect your body to undo 9 months of work in just 4 weeks. In just a few months you are going to look like you never even had a baby.

  7. Tiphanie Says:
    January 8th, 2011 at 8:31 am

    You look great for four weeks! I also had a c section,, and was 31 when i gave birth,, you are blessed to have youth on your side :) It’s been 8 mo since my c section,, and because of healthy eating and a wonderfully fun and effective workout that starts with a Z and ends with umba lol,,, I have no hangover pouch ,,, it CAN be done! Be encouraged,, enjoy your wonderful bundle and give yourself some time!! Congrats ;)

  8. alyssa Says:
    January 9th, 2011 at 9:13 am

    My birth was not what I had planned, either, and it took a long time before I was able to separate my feelings about the way the birth played out from the feelings I had about my body. It’s too easy to play the “what if” game about birth and beat yourself up in the process.

    You’re still in the early days of post-partum recovery. My belly looked like that, too, but gradually shrank. There’s no way to gauge what your body will look like in another month or even next year. Your body nurtured and grew a beautiful, healthy girl. That is something to celebrate! Your daughter is lovely and so are you.

  9. Michelle Says:
    January 11th, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Oh, but you’re only four weeks out. I’m 34 and eight months pp with my 2nd daughter, and I know from experience with my first that it takes about a year. Remember that it takes six weeks just for your uterus to shrink back to its normal size! The first one is difficult… but your body will go through so many changes before your daughter’s first birthday, all of them good.

  10. Amanda Says:
    January 11th, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    First of all, I understand your comment about feeling like you have “40 year old boobs” and no 40 year old should have taken offense to that because you were just basically saying your body has experience 18 years worth of gravity all at once. You weren’t trying to pigeon-hole 40 year olds and any 40 year old that takes offense to that needs to re-evaluate your statement and understand where you are coming from.

    Secondly, honey, it really will get better. I thought my tummy would never ever start shrinking and I posted on here early too. It’s now been 9 weeks and I have already seen a huge difference. Wait for your uterus to completely shrink and then just focus on eating healthy food and you will be fine.

    That saggy belly thing will take a while, but it starts to tighten up slowly but surely. Just focus on your gorgeous baby and work on yourself SLOWLY. Don’t expect overnight change because it won’t happen and remember that you’re in the majority of mothers, not the minority. Meaning, your body is completely normal.

  11. Betty Says:
    January 12th, 2011 at 8:40 am

    I think everyone has made very valid comments about how your body will change yet. I want to address your fear about your boyfriend not liking your body… I have had 4 children (the youngest just 4) between the ages of 19 and 24 and still have some body issues. It has taken me until just this year to gain back most of my confidence. As for my husband, he has NEVER had a problem with how my body was and is shaped and I am just beginning to realise that truth, too. Don’t worry too much, and if he compliments you – accept it gracefully. I wish you all the best with your lovely family.

  12. Kate Says:
    January 19th, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    I am 9 months pregnant and the stretch marks under my belly make me cry when I see them in the mirror…after looking at your picture and seeing how they look on the other side, it really made me feel better. You look great and I would not feel bad with my belly looking like yours at all!

  13. April Says:
    January 27th, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    The next time you fear what he sees, look at the BEAUTIFUL picture of the three of you. I would bet you anything THAT is what he sees. And the scar? Honey in 6 months you wont be able to see it. Trust me, I thought the same thing you did. Even with a mirror I can’t see my scar now. My daughter is just 2. Oh and by the time your little one is 2 and giggles at you and does the silly/funny things that 2yo do, you will realize that to her you are beautiful. Its hard, but learning to accept YOUR imperfections will teach HER that hers are OK too. All that aside? You look lovely!

  14. L Says:
    January 30th, 2011 at 8:55 am

    you have to give it some time. , Let you body heal. The fact that you lost weight in the rest of your body is a good thing and maybe after a few months your tummy will began to flatten out again, As awful as it sounds everyone always says ” it took 9 months to bring a baby onto the world it will take jsut aslong to go back to prepregnancy body”.Im still working on my body 2.5 yrs later.

  15. Kat Says:
    January 31st, 2011 at 11:50 am

    hun, at 4 weeks pp i had a much bigger belly than you. I’m now 14 weeks pp and it’s almost completely flat! it’s not easy, and the postpartum road to self acceptance is a rollercoaster, but you can do it! love yourself now for what you have done, and later down the road love yourself for how far you have come with your body!

  16. Sarah Says:
    February 6th, 2011 at 6:36 am

    You have a really nice bum!!!!! :)

  17. Brittany Says:
    March 2nd, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Honey, your body looks just like mine. Remember -you have a BEAUTIFUL little baby. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on our bodies, but we are giving the world the next generation :) Chin up!

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