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I have submitted entries to shape of a mother from my 3rd and 4th pregnancies. Today I felt I need to do this again. I feel horrible about my body today. Yesterday I got into an argument with my youngest child’s father. this is part of an e-mail he sent me;
“Did that guy you were seeing see you naked yet? Cannot blame you for wanting to wait. Don’t wanna scare him off. Better keep your bra on though. After how much they sagged before I cannot imagine how bad they look now. Although they might be full of milk at the moment and temporarily okay. Better hook him now quick before you stop cause its gonna be bad. I don’t remember your body looking good. You forget you had to beg me for sex. I only did to shut you up. Lol. What I remember was a twenty nine year old with the body of at least a forty year old. And I saw a forty year old once and she had three kids and her body was much better. You did not look too bad with your clothes on but… lol. Just sayin. Plus now you got that chunky look. Not my thing. Out of every woman I have seen naked that had kids you have one of the worst bodies I have ever seen. How many have you seen?”
I included what he said to me, because of how much it hurts me to hear the father of my child say these things to me. I wonder if anyone else has been told these things by someone they were once very close to, and how to deal with the hurt. I know my flaws, I had confided in that man about them in the past because I used to trust him. I know what he is saying about how I look is pretty much the truth. I am not blind. I just wish I didn’t care anymore.
I want to be able to say that I am proud of my body for growing and feeding 4 beautiful, healthy babies, and mean it. I want to say that I feel so blessed to have these children that I don’t care what my body looks like at all. I want to feel happy about it, and lucky, and I want to stop being self conscious and ashamed, and sad when I see my self in the mirror after a shower, or if I ever become intimate with someone again. But I don’t see it happening. I was in good shape before this pregnancy but was too sick to exercise during, and I have not started back up, I know that might help my feelings a little, but exercise cannot change some things. wide hips I have always had and stretched out skin. I am most ashamed of my breasts, I have breastfed for over 4 years of my life and counting. I should feel lucky to have had that opportunity and the bonding with my children. I don’t see myself ever spending money on plastic surgery. Even though I want to, I would feel too guilty to spend money on something like that. And I would feel like a fake. I have never really liked my body, never felt comfortable in my skin, even as a child. One thing I always hated was the scar below my belly button from when I was an infant. I never hated the way I look more than I do now. It is definitely amplified after 4 children and being talked to like that by more than one of my exes. Why do I feel so embarrassed about how I look? How can I get over this so I can spend that time on thinking about how awesome my kids are instead of how bad I look? Feeling this way just adds guilt to my shame.
~Your Age: 30 years old
~Number of pregnancies and births: 6 pregnancies and 4 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 14 yrs old, 11 yrs old, 3 yrs old, and 2 months old today :) (2 months postpartum)