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Tied to the Past (Anonymous)

November 4, 2010

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

I’ve only had one child,only one, she may be the most amazing little girl I’ve ever seen but where did I go?

I gained 40 lb.s with her birth and then kept gaining after that. Her father and I split up when she was a year old and then I became a new to school, freshly back to work, single mom at 21! She’s grown and blossomed and become such a beautiful big girl now. I’ve withered and hated myself sooo much for every year she’s loved herself. The depression and the agony just made the over eating worse. So I got the lap band and did really well for awhile,for awhile.

Then the depression came back in and ate me up inside and I kept eating,stopped exercising.

Excuses,excuses,always, what a weakling I am. I cannot look at my naked body in the mirror without crying. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A 25 YEAR OLD!!

I see older women at work all the time who have paid in the their bodies for their many children and I cry. Why am I at that stage when I am ONLY 25? I have ONLY had one child. I cannot let my boyfriend see me naked with the lights on, I cannot let my daughter see me in the shower. I disgust myself and I’m so tired of hating who I am.

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9 Responses to “Tied to the Past (Anonymous)”

  1. Resi Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I am 21 yr old not a mom though. I would say you look like most girls who haven’t had kids? You’re thinner than most of the girls at my school that are my age anyway.

    Looks like there is more going on emotionally and with the eating for comfort that is the issue. Please seek therapy. Your eyes will open soon. :-) Bless.

  2. mrs. petunia Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    You are not a weakling! It is very brave of you to just keep putting one foot in front of the other when you feel so horribly. But you not only made it through the day, you went to school, went back to work, AND raised a child on your own. You definitely deserve praise and love. I can also tell you that your body does NOT look like you think it does. You have gorgeous skin tone, no stretch marks, and full breasts. I hope that you can find the beauty in yourself that others see, both inside and out.
    As for your daughter, I can tell that you truly love her and have been able to instill in her a sense of self worth that you have not been able to muster. That’s pretty freaking amazing and selfless. Perhaps I’m wrong here, but I also seem to sense that sometimes you wrestle with the unfairness of sacrificing so much for her and seeing her blooming into such a beautiful girl while you are left feeling so awful. It isn’t fair. As much as no one wants to acknowledge it, I think that parents DO sometimes wrestle with twinges of resentment towards there children, and maybe a bit of jealousy, and all that stuff that is not easy to admit to. If any of that stuff haunts you, I can tell you it’s way more normal than you think. The important thing is that the love is deeper and you just keep being the good mother you are- mixed emotions or not. I wish you the best mama. Head up!

  3. Thandi Says:
    November 5th, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Mrs Petunia, I so agree with everything you’ve said.SOmetimes the only comfort one can give is acknowledging the pain.I know (from experience)that no matter how encouraging, complimentary my husband is, I still dislike the belly I have.You sound like you’ve been depressed for very long.I suffered through a terrible depression for 2 and a half years and it seemed no-one could see me crying out.I don’t know when, or how,but the sun WILL shine for you.Thank you for sharing your story and your pictures.I know it doesn’t help, but I’m pretty sure that some who see your picture might be thinking “It’s not as bad as she thinks it is!” and they’re correct.Sadly, it’s not that easy when we’re bombarded by images to the contrary.Take heart.you’re not alone.

  4. devina Says:
    January 3rd, 2011 at 5:52 am

    hi, when i read your story i had imagine very fat and sagging skins all over your body, cause that how it’s sound but when i saw you photo’s i thought wat? Your body is just normal as any girls at your age, infact compare to me at your age i was even bigger after having my girl, even now but i don t feel i m fat or ugly i just make the best out of me. Everyone would said i m sweet nice beautifull, it s all depent how we carry ourself. You have beautifull full figure body and you don t have to hide it or shame to see mirror. Belive me honestly you do look 25 . So think positive about yourself and get some help to boost you self confident. Anyway i m sure you little girl very proud to have such brave and great mother. Good luck mummy go..go.. Mom cheer up

  5. Tegan Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    YOU have a beautiful body…. i would kill for a body like yours!

  6. Constance Says:
    July 23rd, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Honey, I am 25 and just had my second child. You look great compared to all my “tiger claw” marks! You are beautiful! You are a mommy, and you look great! Be proud of the fact you brought a child in this world, and a man who loves you for you will look at your body and smile, knowing you are a mother! My boyfriend finds my stretch marks, and baby pouch sexy, even when im at my worse he loves it!

  7. Sarah Says:
    April 8th, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Wow… your body is gorgeous. Your post-baby body is sexier than mine ever was before pregnancy.

  8. Jennifer Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Here here. What Sarah said.

  9. Lily Says:
    April 23rd, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Can i have your belly please? :)) you look great. Honestly. Just think of all the positives in your life, and how much youve overcome. I think we grow up being told life will turn out a certain way. When it doesnt (as its not perfect for ANYone), we can be left to feel like failures. But thats just life. Ups and downs. There are so many lonely people out there, yet you have a daughter and have found new love again. Youre quite blessed actually. PS: if you want to hear something tragic…i was pregnant and gave birth to twins and my boobs never got bigger than an A-cup!! So i got the stretch marks (after i gave birth!), but no bloody boobs!

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