It has only been three and a half weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I should be applauding myself and my body for being able to create such a perfect angel, and yet I am not. Instead I find myself hating the mirror because the mirror shows what I look like now. Huge and covered in stretch marks. Three years ago I weighed 100lbs and even back then the voice in my head said I was fat. Now I find myself three weeks post pregnancy sitting at 160lbs; can you imagine what that voice is saying now?
It is hard being a mother. A lot harder than I imagined. I have bigger things to worry about other than how huge my belly and ass are, but yet those thoughts take hold every time I look down or look in the mirror. I try to tell myself “it took nine months to get this way, give yourself eighteen months to get back from here” but it doesn’t work. I feel like I have lost all my hotness and all of my youth. I dread the idea of having anyone see me naked ever again. I hope this feeling doesn’t last.
I am told by fellow moms that “this too shall pass”, that this body will not sag forever. The stretch marks will fade and one day my skin will regain its elasticity. I hope this is not a lie. I hope these friends are being honest because, right now, I can’t imagine loving this new body. I always thought I would be the kind of woman who ‘bounced back” from pregnancy. Some silly idea planted in my head by TV and the movies. How come those women never stay fat? Where is their extra weight? Why can’t we all live in that fantasy land?
Reality isn’t as pleasant.
I feel like admitting this makes me sound ungrateful and like a “bad mother”. I really love my daughter and feel blessed that I had the ability to create her. I just hate that I had to give up something so important to me in order to do it. I guess that makes me selfish. I guess I am not “seeing the big picture”. This is reality. I can love my daughter but I do not have to love what happened to my body to make her. So why the guilt? Why do I feel guilty every time I think of how horrible I look?
And why do I think this is a horrible way to look?
I wish I could be one of those moms who adore her stretch marks and sagging belly. The ones who claim “it is their badge”… of what? Honour? Strength? The ability to make a baby is great but I don’t need my body to remind me that I did it, that is what my child is for.
Time heals all wounds. I hope time also heals all post pregnancy bodies.
I am 28 and this is my first and hopefully last pregnancy.
The photos are my belly before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and three weeks post pregnancy.