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The fat I hate, not the stripes. (Aly)

May 22, 2012

22 yrs old.
2 pregnancies, 1 birth.
Five month old daughter, pp.

My story may be everywhere, sorry.

I was pregnant before at 18, but never kept the baby. My personal choices led me to having an abortion. I am willing to share my reasons why, but if asked through email. I’m not ready to publicly announce why nor am I proud for what I have done. I battled depression, and so much more before I got to where I am at today. I just wanted to share that I was pregnant before, and to be honest with my choices.

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant the second time, same guy. We have been together since we were 16. In April/2011 I found out I was pregnant with my little angel. I cried with joy never thinking I could get pregnant again. After the abortion I had a small fear that I may have ruined my chances of being pregnant again. Beside the point I had a wonderful pregnancy, nothing medically wrong with us. I did gain my warrior marks which I expected. My maternal grandmother, and mother have stretch marks so I knew I would get them. Funny thing is I’m actually okay with these marks. They will fade, and there are creams to help diminish them some. Bad thing, I gained more than the recommend amount of weight yet it never worried my doctors. I weighed 115 pregnancy, and before birth I weighed 167. On December 8, 2011 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter…. My greatest joy in life.

Five months later, I weigh 143-45 lbs. I hate it with a passion. I do, and can’t really sit down to talk to anyone about this. I tell my mother, or express it to my husband…. I do it with light humor to hide my hurt. I look five months pregnant, and try to do the right thing. Exercise, walk, drink water, and I’m also breastfeeding too. I have a wider girth, and haven’t worn jeans since I was 20 wks pregnant. I tried on jeans one time when I was three months pp, most emotional day of my life. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t fit a certain size. It has been pajama bottoms, and sweats for me. Another thing I hate is down there. My daughter turned her head when she was crowning, and ripped the left side of my upper vaginal area. So my clitoris… Or I mean the small lips whatever they are called part of the clit is forever seperated in half on the left side. I hate when my husband touches me there because I know it is ripped so there is another confidence downer for me. I sag, look pregnant, and have a ripped clit.

Never, never have I ever had to wear a girdle. Now I do, and its so depressing. Like wow, really? I wear a girdle to give the illusion that I lost SOME of my belly. Even then it still doesn’t work making me look pregnant still, but holds me in place. I blew up, and I hate it. I battle with the thought of this. I wish I had a tummy tuck I can deal with a scar. I try… I have the privilege of staying at home with my daughter to raise her… She helps me forget everything when she smiles at me. It just takes a toll on me.. everyone tells me I will get skinnier a bit in time. I hear them, but don’t take their words in stride. This hurts me… I struggle with raising my daughter while my husband works, try to care for my house, dog, and husband. At times I fail at all of those things. Where is there time for myself? I recently started exercising a bit more with the husband. I’m motivated to do that because we do it together. I’m trying. We will see, but right now I’m so down on myself it sucks. Makes me want to break down, and cry. I went from being a petite 115 lbs, five foot lady to a wide all around fatness. Yes, I went there. I’m serious too, I’m FAT! Yet I’m content with my stretch marks. I just miss the bikini days… And my confidence. If I don’t have any confidence how can I better myself at everything else? Once in a while I feel apathetic except towards my daughter. I have a real smile every morning when I wake up to see her smiling up at me with her innocent eyes. Maybe someday I will regain back at least a little confidence to push forward with more… For now I’m at a hate relationship with myself….

First picture – Pre-pregnancy,Second: Two days before induction, I was 40 wks., Third: Five months pp front view, Fourth: Side view, Fifth: How it looks when I suck my tummy in. It’s so sad… but I want to share because I can be me without wondering what someone else may say… and I don’t have to use humor.

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8 Responses to “The fat I hate, not the stripes. (Aly)”

  1. mrspetunia Says:
    May 22nd, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Sometimes when I read these posts I just want to reach out and give the poster a hug. I’m just so so sorry for what you are going through. It’s not fair that we have to live in a world that is so critical of women’s bodies and it is certainly not fair that we are made to feel worthless when we don’t match up to some silly magazine cover. From your post it’s obvious that you are a smart, caring, and wonderful mother who deserves to feel so much better about herself. I hope that you can find some healing! You DO deserve it.

  2. amber H Says:
    May 22nd, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    GO LOOK AT MY POSTS- blessed and tortured

    THIS is what i looked like after baby. YOU are only 5 m pp — GIVE IT TIME>

    Hard work with exercise and eating healthy. BUT most of all TELLING and BELIEVING yourself when you say your beautiful… because you ARE!

  3. Stella Says:
    May 22nd, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    It took nine months to stretch and gain weight, so my doctor said that it takes at least nine months to go back. After my second child I looked pregnant for almost 6 months after. I wore a huge compression garment that my OBGYN (thankfully a women who understood) gave me at the hospital. I hated the way I looked. After 6 months I slowlyvstarted to go back to normal. My baby is now 18 months and although I have a flabby stomach, I don’t look pregnant anymore. Hang in there. Thanks for the honest post.

  4. KMG Says:
    May 22nd, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Your honesty is beautiful. I have never had an abortion, and I’ve never been in a place in life where I would need to consider that choice. Every part of my only pregnancy was planned. Like you, I had a beautiful baby, and like you, I have a ton of stretch marks and look five months pregnant still (21 months pp). I had a c-section after trying a vaginal birth, so your other issue is not something that I’ve struggled with. I will tell you that I wasn’t always in an okay place with my stretchmarks. In fact, I had the laser treatment done soon after giving birth, but honestly, I don’t think it was worth the money. Now that I’m far enough removed from being pregnant, they actually don’t bother me too much. While getting that treatment done, though, the practitioner told me that her ex husband has a practice that performs that surgery that supposedly tightens things back up in the vaginal area. Who knows if it works, but it’s out there as an option. While I do think that acceptance can be healthier (mentally and phsycially) than going the surgical route, it’s hard not to pursue every option out there when you are desparate to fix something, especially something as intimate as what you are experiencing. I know that I was desparate to treat my stretchmarks, so I can imagine that something that affects the ability to have an orgasm can be devastating at times. I just wanted to put the information out there to you and tell you that I admire your strength to put yourself out here so openly.

  5. Shawnarae Says:
    May 23rd, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Oh honey…Its only been 5 months…give your body some time to regulate! It has just been on a crszy healthy baby growing journey!! Just keep creating opportunities for your body to return to health, like your exercising and eating right. Also..sleep is very very important! It will be alot easier to get where you want to be with positive thinking and love:) Have you heard the saying “you can attract more bees with sugar instead of salt” Keep your head up YOU CAN DO IT!!

  6. lix Says:
    May 27th, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    We.have exactly the same.shape=(i also can deal with the strech marks not sure what do !!

  7. amber Says:
    June 20th, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    wow, im 38 weeks now and im already having a hard time with my body.like u i was a small woman. 130-135lbs but im about 5,8 so it was all evened out i guess.now i have all these “stripes” as you called them, which i like much better than the actual term, and i feel so down about it because im not used to it all.im lucky to have a loving supporting hubby though,he always tells me that im beautiful and he doesnt realize how much it helps me.reading your story really hit a mark with me,this too is my second pregnancy,iv had an abortion as well when i was younger, i wasnt ready and neither was my at the time 16 yr old boyfriend.im 22 now and were still together and it makes me feel better that im not the only one (even though i havent given birth yet,my potential post baby body scares me alot)and that there are supportive women and a whole site dedicated to this. im going to take all this advice and im going to try to steer myself in the right direction now to give myself a head start.

  8. Maria Perez Says:
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Our weight problems is very similar I had just turned 20 when i found I was pregnant my husband and i were super excited. Im 5″2 and before I had my beautiful daughter I weighed 115 pounds my cup size was 34B I used to wear size 3 pants. On the day of my delivery i weighed 165lbs! and now I’m a size 9 Im a 36C. Im like u i don’t mind my stripes It’s that fat underneath that I hate! I love the rest of my body I’m much curvier I have more butt,hips, and breast. It’s just my belly fat!

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