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Still Struggling (Anonymous)

April 21, 2014

This will be my 3rd submission and I’m sad to say things have not gotten better. I had my daughter in 2008 after a 50lb weight gain. The stretch marks do not bother me, I could care less if anyone sees them. It’s my stomach I hate. I was skinny when my husband and I got together. Since then I’ve gained 40 lbs. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore even though he tells me he does. He is a porn addict and will not accept it. He hides it from me, using private browsing when he watches. Uses the bathroom (BM) several times a day. A normal person does not poop 3-4 times a day. I guess he thinks I’m stupid, he tells me thats what he’s doing. I’ve given up trying to talk about it because he just shuts down or denies it. I just let it happen and let it eat away at me little by little. Every time I try to talk to someone about it, they turn it back on me and say it’s my fault. Every guy does it and it’s normal. This is not normal….. I go online and read blogs and other websites with other women dealing with the same thing and most of the time it helps me get by. We HAVE watched the porn together and we always do new crazy things, even thing I’m not necessarily thrilled about but I try them because he wants to. But I saw something on one the other day. The guy said he has to get off to porn because that’s the only way he’ll ever see an attractive woman naked because his wife isn’t anymore because she has put on weight since having their son. That hurt! We go through so much to have these babies and for a husband to say that about his wife who has given birth to their son just hurts my heart. It left me wondering, does my husband feel the same way? Is that why he watches it so much? He doesn’t initiate much anymore, especially recently. I’m 4 months pregnant with our second baby, a baby boy! I am terrified it’s going to make my body worse. I’m not eating properly. I haven’t gain any weight, I’ve in fact lost 10 lbs since my first doctors appt. I’m scared my husband finds me repulsive and to think he could be thinking what that guy said, tears me apart. He’d never tell me if he did, so I’m left to wonder……

Pictures are of me today at 4 months pregnant.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 ( 1 miscarriage, one birth, currently pregnant)
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 years PP

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15 Responses to “Still Struggling (Anonymous)”

  1. Vanessa Says:
    April 21st, 2014 at 10:07 am

    I think you look wonderful. You have a great figure and very pretty skin. Could it be that your husband is not initiating things because he feels weird about a baby being in “there?” There are a lot of men that get weird about that. Also another thing, could he maybe be having some performance issues? The pornography might be a way for him not to feel like he’s not satisfying you. My husband and I went to counseling for our sexless bout and it helped tremendously. We found that even though we had been having the argument and problem for quite some time, that we truly did not hear what the other one was saying until we went to counseling. It was very non judgmental and very helpful. Hope you get everything worked out and please don’t beat yourself up, you really do look lovely.

  2. scarlett Says:
    April 21st, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Hun u look great, I wish I still had boobs like that. I’ve had three children and some parts of my body are OK some are ruined. But the people telling u that watching porn is normal, it is not! My husband has never watched it once since we’ve been together and I would never allow it, I’d divorce him first. I think you two need to have a serious talk.

  3. Faith Says:
    April 21st, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, we all appreciate and admire your courage. As the others have stated you look beautiful and to have given life to the world is such an amazing gift. It really sounds like your husband has some growing up to do. Only an immature man would feel the need to hide things and tell lies. I do think you need to build your confidence because it would help create a more positive for your future. I know to say that isn’t easy but please work on this- you are amazing and need to be strong to encourage your children. They model from us– make it the best.

    Hey you know- the porn stuff- its only fantasy. He isnt wrong for looking at the acts taking place. Unless you have very strong beliefs that you shouldn’t watch something like this then go with it. Share that the excessiveness is a problem but be willing to compromise. Frankly- the chances of him ever getting into something like that in real life are less than 1% and I am not just making that up. He’s never going to meet these people or be able to live like that. Anyone who really thinks life is all about porn is fooled, its a job and pays good thats why its done. Nothing spectacular about it. Its always fun to play as long as its mutual..Enjoy your pregnancy and the fun changes- thats sexy!

  4. joan Says:
    April 22nd, 2014 at 4:50 am

    You look beautiful babe,wish my boobs looked as good as yours,you and your husband need to sort things out its not good you being pregnant and he is looking at pornography,if you want to talk?email me at:lacunacoil04@gmail.com

  5. Bree Says:
    April 22nd, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    A husband who watches porn without their wife’s consent is comitting a form of infedilty. You still have a very beautiful body. It is very difficult to accept ourselves when we compare ourselves to society’s idea of beauty. It also doesn’t help when our husbands view other women who are cosmetically altered ,and have a false perfection.

  6. Anonymous Says:
    April 23rd, 2014 at 11:12 am

    He does not have any performance issues that I know of and he’s never said anything about the baby making it weird. He wasn’t like this while I was pregnant with our daughter. We have had talks but I can’t tell him I will walk away if he doesn’t stop the porn because I know I won’t. I want to try counseling but I’m terrified of telling him I want to go. I think in his eyes he sees absolutely no problems in our relationship. I’m just at a loss and not really sure where to go from here.

  7. Lynette Says:
    April 24th, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I think what is and isn’t normal is very subjective. I will tell you though that porn is quite addictive. Some very close friends of ours dealt with pornography in their marriage and it was nearly destroyed. It was awful. They are still together, but it isn’t easy. Obviously, men are hardwired a little differently than women. I will tell you straight up what is absolutely NOT normal. If you are hurt by your husband’s behaviour and he can not or will not stop …. that is a serious problem. Does my husband look at porn? Honestly, I don’t know. He could be and I don’t know about it, but in my heart I know he just isn’t into that sort of thing. I’m sure he fantasizes privately (this doesn’t require porn), but I have told him in all seriousness that if he ever got into pornography, our marriage would end. To this day I am still quite serious about it. I’d be poorer than dirt, but it’d be over. Sweetheart, I don’t know who you are confiding in, but they are DEAD wrong. Not every guy looks at porn on the internet. What a nasty stereotype! What your husband is doing is wrong because not only is he hurting you, but also your unborn child BECAUSE he is causing you so much grief that your health is affected and still … he won’t quit. Porn can be extremely damaging to marriages especially if one spouse feels “forced” into accepting the other’s behaviour. The feelings you are having towards this are sooo normal. Of course you feel threatened!! This is not your fault, and it’s not your body’s fault. SO many mommies look exactly like you and not all husbands are involved in pornography as a result. I can’t suggest reasons why he might be doing this because only he knows why. I do suggest marital counseling and if anything, you desperately need personal counseling because pornography is not victimless. Husbands and/or wives are put in victim positions because of the power pornography has over their spouses. I’m furious at your husband for making you feel this way and I love you so, so very much from one pregnant mommy to another. P.S. Your body is WONDERFUL looking and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.

  8. Stephanie Says:
    April 24th, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Anyone who is addicted to pornography is going to end up with ‘performance issues’. It erodes the ability to emotionally connect and the ‘user’ needs more and more to be able to perform. The last thing you need is for your children to stumble upon this stuff and think it’s normal and the cycle continues. It is not normal and you are NOT crazy. You are beautiful. I’m praying that this issue can be dealt with in your marriage and that your relationship can be restored.

  9. Clare Says:
    April 25th, 2014 at 6:53 am

    First, you look lovely, especially for being 4 months pregnant. If your husband is like millions of men who love women with full breasts and smooth glowing skin, I would assume that he’s not lying when he says he finds you attractive.
    I would like to point out that porn addiction, like any addiction, is a compulsive behavior. Your level of attractiveness will not effect your husband’s behavior in that area. It’s VERY unlikely that he watches porn several times every day to replace something he’s not getting from you. It’s much more likely that he’s doing it to feed his addiction, or like Vanessa said, to cope with some real or perceived sexual inadequacy of his own. It may take a while to convince him to seek help if he’s in a level of deep denial and in the meantime, you need to eat. Not only for your baby but for yourself. I know from personal experience that not eating well will only make you more stressed and depressed, and is no path to long term, sustainable weight loss. Focus on yourself and treat yourself with the kindness that you deserve.

  10. Klau Says:
    April 27th, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    First of all- You look amazing!! I think there are many women (including me) wishes they looked like you.
    I am not a mother yet and my body looks soooo much worse than yours- stretch marks, loose belly skin and overweight… I know it’s not going to make you feel better, I’m just saying that body image and accepting your body is always a difficult thing especially because we compare ourselves to these celebrities and others..

    About your husband- I don’t think what he’s doing is wrong. My husband watches porn often and it doesn’t bother me or it doesn’t affect our relationship.
    Lying or denying the fact however doesn’t make any good to you and to your children.
    I think some serious talks could make the situation better – especially because you’re trying to make him happy by playing along, he needs to compromise and make you happy as well. Try and tell him that this kind of thing hurts you and doesn’t make you feel good, you need him to treat you as he was attracted to you.
    Maybe try role play? I know it’s hard especially because you’re pregnant, you’ve got chores, and a child to look after..Being pregnant might be a “disturbing factor” to him, that someone is inside you- even though he doesn’t say.. Maybe a counsellor or psychologist can help- don’t be terrified to tell him, try to explain that your marriage needs a bit of boost!!
    Well said earlier- Focus on yourself and make sure keep yourself and your babies happy.

  11. Anonymous Says:
    April 28th, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Let me make this clear…… I have no problem with porn, we sometimes even watch it together. It’s the fact that he’s being so secretive about it, lying to me about it, and it’s affecting our sex life. It was before I got pregnant until we started trying to have another baby and then we had to have sex often in order to conceive.

  12. Yarni Says:
    April 30th, 2014 at 3:01 am

    Firstly, I’m going to say something to you that is often said to me. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are being so hard on yourself. You, are not the person with the problem, he is. Now I’ll be first to say that everything is grey, nothing is black & white, in people & in relationships so no one can tell you what to do. Addiction to Pornography is a real thing & if that is what the situation is then he needs to deal with it. You can’t do that for him unfortunately. It seems common place for women to assume it’s them that is the problem when men start to act ‘off’, but why do we do this? We need to stop thinking we are the centre of their universe & not jump immediately to this conclusion. If he doesn’t find you attractive any more then so be it. It’s hard, I know, to think that someone you love may feel this way but YOU have no control over that. If he isn’t enough of a man to love the body that bore him his children then that is HIS problem, not yours. It’s time for you to start focusing on you. Only you should be in charge of your happiness & if you are not happy, then change yourself but please, stop being so hard on yourself. You have a beautiful body & it desearves love. If he won’t love it I’m sure there is someone out there that would love to. Good luck mumma, hope you heal soon.

  13. Beyou Says:
    May 5th, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    You need to find confidence in yourself. Men, and people in general, are attracted to confidence. What your husband is doing is his issue. How it makes you feel is yours. There’s nothing wrong with your body. You don’t look like a porn star, but most men really don’t expect their wives to look like porn starts any more than we expect or want our husbands to look like super buff movie stars.

    Seek counseling for yourself. Work on your self esteem issues. If you don’t work on your own problems there’s no way you’ll be able to work on the problems between you and your husband. A healthy, self confidant woman would be upset about the porn but she wouldn’t let it ruin her own self image. You need to separate those two issues. If the porn bothers you and your husband won’t address the issue then it’s not really the porn…it’s the lack of respect and compassion your husband is shown you that is really the problem. If you don’t respect yourself, who do you expect to be able to demand your husband respect you?

    Best of luck to you. Be strong, find your own self worth. Don’t base it on your body or you’ll never be happy.

  14. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    May 5th, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Okay, that’s kinda victim-blamey. A person should not HAVE to demand respect. We should just respect others. It is NOT her fault if her husband isn’t respecting her. That is HIS problem that HE needs to fix.

    We can be responsible for our feelings only up to a point. If someone is being an asshole to us, that’s gonna hurt. To pretend otherwise is to entirely miss the opportunity to heal from the pain. We may have more control over how we handle the hurt – whether we wallow in it or whether we work to heal from it. But even then, we may not have entire control over that. An environment without emotional support won’t allow a person to move forward.

    Be careful in the words you use to encourage someone. We want to lift people up without disregarding their reality.

  15. Morgan Says:
    May 27th, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    I had an X who used to do the same thing. We had sex quiet often, almost everyday, and I knew that he was attracted to me. I was 23 and no kids yet worked out a lot as I was training to be a police officer and knew that I had a body to be proud of. But he would lock himself in the bathroom and masturbate constantly. Even on days that we had sex…. It was like he couldn’t help himself. Watching the porn itself didn’t really bother me so I totally get that. It was the frequency and lying that really got to me after awhile. I just didn’t understand and even though I knew it wasn’t me I still somehow felt like it was my fault. This is a scary situation when you love someone. I am currently pregnant and thankfully haven’t felt like this once with my fiancé. He’s pretty wonderful and even then I still have doubts about how I look and if I am keeping him satisfied. I can’t imagine going through what you are, loving someone who is hiding this from you. I eventually broke up with that guy, I just couldn’t understand and nothing we tried helped me to understand what he was thinking. I think what most of these women are trying to say is that it sounds like he has an addiction to the porn or the masturbating, which can happen in some males, they aren’t saying that the porn is bad so much as the acts and the lying to you. Its the actions that are being caused by his porn watching thats hurting you and its a problem that he needs to address. This is a tough subject to broach but if he really loves you he will find a way to explain it you so you can better understand whats going on in his head.
    And these ladies aren’t kidding you look good, I know the weight can be scary but from the looks of these photos your skin in beautiful and looks perfect for being pregnant. I worried about it too as I’ve gone through my pregnancy but then I feel my little boy squirming in there and I know I will do whatever i have to for him. I have gained more weight then I thought i wanted to but thats okay because he is more healthy for it. everyone is different and you look wonderful just try to talk with your husband i know easier said then done but its the only way that you will feel better.

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