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Still on my way to accepting myself. (Melanie)

January 30, 2013

Age: 28
2 pregnancies, 1 birth
my son is 16 month old

When I met the father of my child I was 26 and we both knew instantly that THIS IS IT! We were what we’re always looking for and one month after we became a couple I became pregnant. It was no accident, but we should have thought about it more carefully. We were so desperately in love, we thought being a “real” family is the best we could do. From my todays point of view I’m sad that we didn’t think about it for some more time. From the very beginning we were “three”, and I sometimes wish I could have him just for myself. Just hanging out with him, going out, getting to know him, etc. But what to do.

That was also the reason why I had a really hard time to accept there was some”thing” inside of me. For the first half of the pregnancy I just felt like an incubator for some kind of aggressive alien, that wants to eat me from the inside. When we got to know the gender of the child and then FINALLY found a boys name it was somehow easier to accept – this “thing” inside became a “someone” with a name.
My husband-to-be is amazing, alltime caring and supporting and very understanding. He beared all my doubts and hopelessness, trying to be the best partner one can be. This year we will marry and it just took so much time because I want to have some champagne at my own wedding, and you know I couldn’t so far. :)

We had to wait pretty long for the little man to come, he was 10 days late when we decided to induce labour. It took almost an entire day, without any painkillers etc., all natural. I gave birth to a four kilo boy.

Today this boy is almost 16 months old, very active and healthy, with a strong will. It took some time for me to be able to accept and love this child, due to some problems with postpartum depression and other things. He was and still is very lively and I think everyone has to get used to the fact not to be able to go on living his own life the way he did before. I still struggle with that every day, but there are more and more moments every day when I’m so proud of this charming little troll or when I think how nice it is to have this family. Yeah, maybe I’m just a spoiled brat. The first six months I had to carry him all day, or lie down on the couch next to him. All day! I almost went crazy. He couldn’t sleep alone, started screaming instantly when I just got up to go to the toilet. Honestly? I’m so happy that this phase is over now. I’m about to get my old self back, and that feels so good.

When the boy was about six months old I accidently became pregant again. That was a shock for us. We actually want a second child – but not like this. I wouldn’t have managed. I was about to emigrate to my boyfriends home country, my son was the most exhausting thing in the world, there was absolutely no time for a second child. It wasn’t an easy decision, but in the end I had an abortion. I’m so sorry for this little one, maybe it was the girl we would wanna have, but I still think it was the best decision for all of us. I don’t want to be too overstrained to give my boyfriend the love he deserves and to ruin our relationship with that. You see, I’m no supermommy and whatever I do I will never be, I can just give my best. I have no idea how those “mothers of seven” manage to be able to breathe in their daily life. But well, everyone is different I guess. I have to find my own way to deal with that.

My boyfriend still loves my body, though I don’t really know why. It was also not perfect before and I don’t mind the stretch marks I have now (tits, thighs, belly). There are three to four kilo I just don’t manage to lose, though I was also not happy with my weight before my child. But what really annoys me is my tits. They also weren’t big or well-shaped before, but now they are just small, sagging bags, they look shriveled and poor. The only good thing: they were always very milk-productive (I never had any problems with nursing) and my wonderful body gave me nipples before my son was born, I didn’t have any in the past. :)

I still can’t really accept my body so far, but I also couldn’t before, and I know I have to do something about it. I’m aware of the fact that I look like a normal woman, but that’s such a taboo, no one ever talks about that. So this site is great and it will hopefully help me and others. I KNOW that my body is amazing, I grew a child inside, gave birth to it, nursed it. Female bodies are perfect and wonderful!

1 + 2 my body in the past (23 and 25 years old) both taken by myself, just so you know
3 – 6 situation today
7 21st week
8 35th week
9 birthday of my son
10 I had such monster tits in the beginning!
11 our little dude today!

(I’m sorry if I sometimes don’t express myself in a super correct way, I’m no native speaker.)

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12 Responses to “Still on my way to accepting myself. (Melanie)”

  1. Michele Says:
    January 30th, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Hi there – first of all I will say that you look nice. you are small framed, just as I am and I always say that if there is something you don’t like than you can change it through exercise and diet. Maybe find the time to exercise a few times a week. What is working for me is running and squats lunges to tone my legs and butt. I honestly feel that you look great and with a little toning, you will be happier with your body. As far as your son, he is so sweet, so beautiful. It seems as if you have found peace with the decision to have an abortion, I have three kids myself, just had my third 11 wks ago and no more kids are for me, I know that I just couldn’t do it physically, mentally, spiritually so as long as you are at peace with this decision, than don’t let anyone make you feel bad. Also, great job nursing your little man, it’s great for our kids and it builds a wonderful bond, sorry you suffered with postpartum depression, it happens and it doesn’t make you a bad mom for it. Cherish every day with your little man for you are blessed to be able to carry life, bring life forth and nurture. Take care..

  2. Smit Says:
    January 30th, 2013 at 11:59 am

    You look great! Stretch marks on your belly?! Can’t see them! What product did you use to make them fade?

  3. Natalie Says:
    January 30th, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I think your post baby body is beautiful. I know how you feel about it though, and I hear your heart.
    I actually am a mom of 7, and I feel the same way you do a lot. We sacrifice so much for these children.
    Motherhood is HARD, no matter if you have 1 or many. Be kind to yourself momma. Blessings~

  4. Bridget Says:
    January 30th, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    You look great!! Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with pp that working out will make you feel better. On days when I workout I feel like a supermodel (not really but you know what I mean) I may not look any better but damnit I feel like a skinny sexy (sweaty) bitch. Chin up! You have a beautiful child and a good relationship with his dad and IMO you look awesome!!!

  5. Melanie Says:
    January 30th, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Thank you all for your response! :)

    @michele: Yes, I found my peace with that abortion. I’m not the ‘born mommy’ and it is work for me to give my child what children need: love, time, patience. I’m pretty impatient and I always needed much time for myself, so being a parent is a great challenge for me. I really think it was the best in this situation and I am pretty sure we will have another little girl or guy when we’re ready for it. Not many persons know about my abortion, not because I’m ashamed of it, but I think it is something very private. No one ever criticized me so far, but I am okay with myself. It is horrible to kill such a small life, but everyone knows best if he can handle a second child in such a short time or not. We’re all different and whatever suits me doesn’t have to suit someone else.

    @smit: That’s true, I don’t have that many stretchmarks and they’re not that visible as well. But they’re also not new anymore. ;) I didn’t use anything after the delivery. But before I oiled my skin regularly. Just with a normal body oil.

    @natali: Wow, great job!

    @bridget: Yeah, maybe I should really try to find some time for a mini workout. Also wanna look good in my wedding dress. :)

  6. I. G. Says:
    January 31st, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Your breasts are most definitely not “sagging bags”. Yes, they do look different from before but they are shaped nicely. I know, we always perceive ourselves very differently than others do but I think most people would agree that there is nothing wrong with your boobs!

  7. BlueBirdMama Says:
    February 2nd, 2013 at 6:58 am

    I hear you, dear. You and I have very similar bodies and I, too, lament that my previously perky breasts now seem like deflated little sacks. I too have stretch marks which, I know compared to other women’s don’t seem like a big deal, but seem like a big deal to me.

    It also took me a while to settle into motherhood. I couldn’t imagine being pregnant again after six months. I didn’t want another baby until my son was well past two. They ended up being nearly four years apart.

    My message to you is: it gets better. For some of us, the infant stage is really difficult, but as your son grows up and gets more interactive, it will get easier. Just focus on building your relationship with him– and work on maintaining the connection with your husband.

    Personally, I have found that frequent exercise is key to my mental health. It does make me feel better about my body, too, but really, I’m just in a much better mood after I’ve moved a bit– it doesn’t have to be a long, intense workout…sometimes if all I have is 20-30 minutes, I squeeze in a little jog, some stretching, a few sit-ups and done. But it makes a big difference in my mental state.

    We all have our own journey, and it’s more difficult in a culture where “hot Moms” are not supposed to have one visible ounce of fat on their bodies, perfect skin and breast implants (and for some reason, knowing what a tyrannical and unhealthy standard it is doesn’t prevent feeling bad about not meeting it). Many of us struggle with these same things– you are very much not alone! Hugs!

  8. Sarah Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    I think you look lovely. Your nursing pictures make me miss nursing my little guy at this age. He’s fifteen months and we are still nursing… :)

  9. Melanie Says:
    February 6th, 2013 at 9:32 am

    @sarah: Yes, I also still do. :)

  10. Jennifer Says:
    February 18th, 2013 at 11:41 am

    You hit the nail on the head. I just had my second baby two weeks ago, and got pregnant with him almost exactly six months after my first one. I was so depressed, the idea of being pregnant 18 out of 24 months was horrifying, I hated being pregnant. I also considered terminating the pregnancy, and I know it’s a rough decision to make, especially when you have a new baby that you wouldn’t trade for anything, as crazy as they make you. Thank you for sharing your story, you are alot braver than most people. Btw, you look amazing. I’m saddest about my boobs; they were my best feature in my younger days. Even without breast feeding, they’ll never be the same. Good luck, and if you ever do have a little girl, she’ll be lucky to have such a down-to-earth, honest mother. Thanks again!

  11. sadie Says:
    February 26th, 2013 at 11:47 am

    My breasts did what yours did. They look almost exactly the same as pic 3. I don’t like it either, and for the last month I’ve been taking fenugreek seed. Don’t know if it will work but I’ll keep you updated. I too breast fed, BTW, and had no problem with nursing. We did a good thing, you and I. We kept human beings alive with nothing but ourselves. Also, the Daisy Fuentes deep plunge push up bra is awesome. I never felt I needed anything like that before, and I never thought it was fair to unsuspecting guys – but if you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s kinda fun to put on and feel good about yourself.

  12. Greg Says:
    May 21st, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Melanie, you look lovely in these photos, you should feel great about your body.

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