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Skinny, fat and somewhere in between! (Bex)

February 15, 2011

I have always struggled with weight, going from Anorexia to Bulimia or having both at the same time. Since I can remember I have hated my body, it has completely consumed my life and thoughts, it’s always been the wrong shape, too fat, my legs too bulky and muscly, my arms too flabby and fat, my tummy not tight enough, not enough bones showing etc… 2009 I married my gorgeous husband and didn’t want to be fat so I went from being a healthy 127 pounds (58kgs) to being 100 pounds (46kgs) on our wedding day. I have always so badly wanted a family and so we started trying to conceive right after our wedding in Oct 09 and we fell pregnant in april 2010. I gained 17 pounds (8kgs) in the first 12 weeks and was devestated, I gained a total of 37 pounds (17kgs), I couldn’t fit anything and went into maternity clothes at like 12 weeks because normal clothes hurt and didn’t fit right. For the first time in my life, I had cellulite… As much as I wanted the baby and was excited about the future, I hated my body everyday but I chose to eat normally because the baby was more important than my own need to be skinny. I didn’t want to harm her in anyway just because I needed to be skinny….

My pregnancy went on without issues until near the end around 34 weeks when the midwife thought bubs was too small so I had to go get growth scans every 2 weeks, but she was just a little baby, still growing! At 40 weeks, I had a tiny 34-35 week looking belly (thank god) but to me my arse was huge and my thighs were like big fat tree trunks. I couldn’t understand why my husband still said I was gorgeous because all I could see was this huge whale. I was torn between loving just my baby bump and what it meant and hating the rest of my body for being so fat and gross… especially my face! I avoided photos because I hated looking at them after…

My darling girl was born on 03/01/2011 at 6lb 8oz (2.95kgs, no wonder I had a little belly) through a natural, drug free waterbirth! Right away I started thinking about losing the baby weight… But I have an issue with my stupid left hip where I can’t walk properly and it really hurts! So I haven’t been able to exercsise which is killing me!!! I have lost half of the baby weight I gained so far, so hoping once my hip heals I will be able to start exercising and get the rest of this baby off!! I want to continue breastfeeding so am going to really monitor myself and make sure I eat enough to maintain my milk supply which is going to be so hard and take a lot of work on my part. I just don’t want to fall back into my eating disorder because I DO NOT want to pass it on to my perfect and precious little girl! She is the most important thing to me and my husband and deserves the best in life… not a mum who is consumed by her weight. I don’t want her to ever feel like I do, so now is the time to start changing. To start loving my body and appreciating myself.

I have just given birth, something that is amazing and empowering… My body is a representation of that, of what I have done in giving birth. that is to be celebrated, not punished! It’s a long road ahead for me… but my girl is worth enough for me to take it head on…

1st photo: Me at around 49kgs in 2009 (lost another 3kgs in the 2 weeks following this photo)
2nd photo: 40 weeks pg
3rd photo: my belly 3 weeks postpartum

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy and 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: postpartum 3 weeks

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20 Responses to “Skinny, fat and somewhere in between! (Bex)”

  1. Jenny W Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 8:01 am

    You look great. I struggle with body image issues as well but it’s something we will probably always struggle with. We just have to remember that we are beautiful just the way we are and enjoy these babies while we can.

  2. amber Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 8:19 am

    You look great for 3 weeks PP… amazing.

  3. Ashley Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 11:10 am

    You look fabulous both pregnant and post-partum — good luck on your journey! :)

  4. Koral Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 11:46 am

    your stomach looks amazing, totally jealous,lol.

  5. emi Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    you’re so beautiful! if that’s you at three weeks post you’re gonna be amazed at what 6,12,24,etc. looks like. :)

  6. Mrs.Petunia Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Wow, you are so inspiring! I am amazed that you have been able to manage your eating disorder throughout your pregnancy and into the postpartum period. That is some selfless love going on there. You are being so strong for your daughter and I’m sure she is already appreciating what a wonderful mother she has. The other thing that struck me about your post is how it highlights that eating disorders are a REAL disease. It is SO painfully obvious that you are much too skinny in that first photo and look both much healthier and more attractive in the last photo. And yet, I wonder if you can see that at all? Having been there and lamented by “fat” stomach at 93 lbs and five foot six, I know what it’s like to have a distorted reality. I hope that you can see how truly beautiful and shapely and attractive and amazing and strong you are now. You deserve it!!!

  7. CuriousMama Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Congrats on your lil girl and your desire to get your eating disorder under control. Hopefully you will be able to (seek guidance if needed) and won’t pass it on to your daughter. :)

  8. Tiphanie Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    Congrats on your new lil angel and on looking FABULOUS period! and especially for three weeks! I understand what its like to be used to your body looking a certain way and it being different after a baby and hard to adjust,, but take it from someone else who used to be body and image obsessed you do look GREAT,, healthy,, womanly and toned! Best wishes to your new family!

  9. Holly Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Where is the “fat” part??? All I see is a beautiful pregnant body. Good luck working on your ED.

  10. Mary V Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 5:03 am

    You look awesome, and you pregnant belly was adorable. Comgratulations on your precious baby, and staying healthy while pregnant. You look so beautiful now, your pre-pregnancy photo kinda scares me… I hope you are able to stay strong! Best wishes!

  11. Kat Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 7:45 am

    i am a model and 4 months pp and i WISH i looked as good as you right now! my stretchmarks look like birds of paradise climbing up around my belly button and climbing down my lower back.

  12. Bex Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 1:06 am

    Aww thank you ladies!! It is definitely a hard journey that I struggle with everyday… but I KNOW how horrible and dark and ED is.. that is why i am trying to do everything I can to NOT pass it on to my daughter and have her punished for my problems…

    I really appreciate all your kind words! It means so much and boosts my low self esteem!!! :)

  13. Matt Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 4:02 am

    You look normal post birth – and to be honest, you don’t look that attractive when you were 49kg, couldn’t imagine what you would have looked like at 3kg lighter. You were skin and bone, not healthy at all….

  14. Jess Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 6:26 am

    you look amazing! and your body has not even begun to take the shape it will over the next few weeks…naturally!…i too have battled ED bulimia and exercise addiction. I wouldnt lie to you I think you look 100 times better in your pp picture….You should be very proud that you were able to go through your pregnancy eating normally for your little girl. The day I found out i was pregnant was the last day I acted on any eating disorder symptoms and that was two years ago. I know it is hard but just keep believing what other people are telling you..believe that their eyes are not lying you truly look great, and your right about not wanting to pass it on to your daughter, all they have to do it see us pulling our shirts up grabbing at what we think are problem areas and it will affect them…..i know you can do it and i want so badly for you to see how beautiful you are!

  15. L Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    you look great pp! You pre pregnacy picture does look scary and very unhealthy.. But good luck with your ED and you did the right thing through pregnancy for your daughter. I wouldnt worry to much about your pp body becasuse you do look great from another womans perspective..

  16. Nina Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I don’t get it. You’re not fat. There are some women on here who really have a much harder time with their new bodies after giving birth. I dont’ see anything on your body that could be considered a negative at all. I don’t understand why you’re upset. It could be much much worse.

  17. Bex Says:
    February 24th, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Nina,
    It’s not about whether you think my body is fine and you think there is nothing wrong with it, it’s what’s in my mind. Saying stuff like that isn’t helpful… Most people with an eating disorder feel incredibly fat when they are actually quite underweight, it’s all in the mind and perception.
    You don’t understand why I am upset by my body? You have obviously never suffered from an eating disorder. Your right, it could be much worse to someone else… but to me, this is the “much worse”

  18. Kate Says:
    February 26th, 2011 at 3:55 am

    Bex, I understand where you are coming from – and it must have been so difficult for you to let go of your ‘ideal’ during pregnancy – I commend you for keeping yourself healthy and concentrating on growing your baby girl!

    While I do not suffer from an ED, I was around the 56kg mark pre-pregnancy and have gained ~15kg so far (I’m currently 34 weeks). Despite appearing a healthy weight for my height now, any woman on the thinner side will show weight gain more no matter how much they gain. For the record, I’m also measuring small (at the 28029 week mark) despite remaining healthy, and am also being monitored with extra growth scans. Like you, my baby may just be on the smaller side and following the growth curve that is normal for him. :)

    All the best for you and your continued breastfeeding relationship!

  19. Megan Says:
    October 20th, 2011 at 5:35 am

    I feel incredibly fat and I AM fat and everyday I wake up and hate myself. you are lucky to look that good.

  20. Veronika Says:
    November 30th, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Your story was really inspiring bex, im pregnant right now and i have to much love as well for this little miracle inside of me to do anything to harm her or him. ( find out the gender the 5th of january ) yayy lol im just still getting so deppresed ive already gained 15 pounds and its killing me. im really concered for after the pregnancy to fall back into mia and ana,i was stuck in the middle with ED’s. my story is somewhat similar to yours except i weighed alot 2 years ago i was 185 and i had gone down to 120 this past summer. and i was planning on loosing more too but found out i was preggo. now i cant stop eating junk :( at first it was cause it was the only thing i could keep down cause i was getting sick all the time…now i just cant stop and its really starting to freak me out…any tips on how you you went through ur pregnancy and how to controll these horrible cravings would be appreciated :) thanks and i hope its still going good for you <3

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