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Shape of a Loss (Nicole)

December 2, 2010

First entry here.

In a parallel universe, I am just weeks away from the birth of my second child. I am more confident about the impending labour than the first time around, but a bit nervous too. I am even more nervous about managing life with two kids under two! I am unpacking, washing and folding the baby clothes, setting up the bassinet. Buying breast pads. Feeling uncomfortable and tired, but loving watching my stretched belly squirm and writhe as I imagine where those little feet lodged under my ribs will one day run.

In this universe, my belly harbours no mystery. It is full of nothing more exciting than my lunch. My breasts are empty, although I wear a nursing bra from which I feel obligated to get my money’s worth, despite my son weaning himself four months ago. The only evidence that things could be different is a yellow card in a drawer with my medical records, the last entry reading “11 weeks amenorrhea. PV bleeding. USS 4/5/10 – IU pregnancy no FHR. CRL only 4.9mm and gest sac 15.6. P/V – Cx closed. Bleeding minimum. Adv: Conservative management.”

And these photos, taken weekly from when my doctor confirmed my pregnancy, to the day before I started bleeding and we found out that for more than a month, there had been no baby anymore.

I am a mother of two. I just only have one to show for it.

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8 Responses to “Shape of a Loss (Nicole)”

  1. Tori Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    I’m really sorry for your loss. It must be devastating :( Behind you in the third pic I do see an adorable little boy who, judging by his affectionate gaze, loves you very, very much! I (was) a mum of two under two, (my eldest is now 2.5) and it’s very hard work. Be proud of your beautiful boy – and always remember you’re little baby in heaven. You look absolutely amazing, I wish I had your figure!

  2. Sarah P. Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    How heartbreaking! I’m so sorry for your loss. :( Thank you for sharing.

  3. Susy Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss.
    We just had our second miscarriage. This one was at 11 weeks as well, but the baby died at 8.5
    I too have my weekly belly pictures. From 4 to 8 weeks, until the time we found out the heartbeat had stopped. :(
    It’s so hard. Big hugs to you.

  4. Jinx Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    My condolences.

    I hope it gets better for you lady, I really do.

    Keep hope.

  5. Tsi K. Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    So sorry for your devastating loss. I too suffered a miscarriage two years ago, and the pain was at times suffocating. No one can really understand that feeling of emptiness and loss unless they have been through it themselves. Praying for your healing…

  6. Apryl Says:
    December 4th, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    I am so sorry. I’ve miscarried before and know how hard it is. Since then, I have had a beautiful little boy who just turned 1, to go along with my other 2 beautiful boys. Time can heal the pain. At least partially.

  7. Jessica Says:
    January 20th, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    I am so sorry. I suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks along. It is a tough thing to go through. Since then I have had my second son. But I still mourn the loss of the baby I lost. Praying for your healing.

  8. Jen Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    Your story sounds like mine. In 2007 I was pregnant w my 2nd child, at 11 3/4 wks I began to bleed. The ultrasound showed no baby. It had died approx six weeks prior (5 wks preg) leaving me w an empty womb. It was devastating. My dr. Recommended we not try again for at least three months. Four months later we were pregnant again. I went for weekly blood test to make sure my hormone levels were still rising. There was no way I was going through the Same thing again. My beautiful healthy girl was born dec.2008.

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