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Really Very Bad Timing (Ann)

April 4, 2011

1 pregnancy, 2 children
14 months postpartum, twins

My twin boys were perfect timing. Our fertility doctor had just finished telling us we would never conceive naturally. I had just told him that through the grace of God I believed that we would. 3 weeks later some routine tests came back to tell me I was pregnant without the help of drugs or procedures and about 6 weeks later we received the amazing news that there were two little bubs! I was over the moon. My husband seemed a little less excited but I told myself it was that he was overwhelmed, besides that he never was really very good with emotion. As you can imagine I got to be pretty huge. Unfortunately I also became pretty lonely, My husband seemed to withdrawal further and further as my pregnancy progressed. I had an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia at 36 weeks and although very small the boys were born beautiful and healthy. I remember the first day they let me get up on my own to go to the bathroom. I stared at the body in the mirror in absolute disgust. I thought I would look like that forever. As hard as I tried I could not breast feed my boys so not only was my body hideous but it also couldn’t nourish my two beautiful boys. I had some postpartum depression but after a few months I began to feel better. The boys were getting bigger and healthier with the use of formula. I would force myself to look in the mirror stark naked almost daily. It was important that I understood that this was my body now and it had done something incredible for me. I had never been thin to begin with but had always loved my curves. After a couple of months I began to love my body, stretch marks, love handles and all. Through all of this my relationship with my husband got better and then worse. I had always adored my husband and although his personality was distant and sometimes very cold I convinced myself he adored me as well. The month before the boys first birthday my husbands raging porn addiction was found out.It had existed before he had known me so you might think I couldn’t possibly blame myself but I do. This wasn’t an occasional peek at porn, if his addiction had been heroin he would be dead in a gutter some where. It had caused him to seriously neglect our kids and myself for a very long time. My husband has overcome his addiction and hasn’t so much as peeked in months with the help of God, myself, some friends and our pastor. This has helped him to become a very caring, loving husband and father. He is now a man I am proud to be married too. The problem is as he moved on to be a better man, he left me standing in my own insecurities. It took a lot of work to get me to a place where I could look myself in the mirror after my babies. Stupid silly me asked my husband every question I could think of about his addiction- desperate to know just how far it went, just how bad it got. Now I am left with the knowledge of all the women he has seen, all the positions he watched and all my friends and family he thought of lustfully. I feel like I will never ever compare. He treats me like royalty now, tells me without all of that junk in his head he sees just how beautiful I am and always was. What I hear is that now that he can’t see the beautiful women in porn he will settle for me. This is destroying me and I know I need help. I have to convince myself to eat most days and have lost quite a bit of weight in the past couple months. What the twins and the stretch marks and the mom skin couldn’t accomplish in killing my self esteem totally- my husbands addiction managed to do. I don’t know how to dig out of this hole, I don’t know how to heal. I do feel hopeful though, especially when I see my husband being so involved with the boys and when I see their gorgeous smiles. Thanks for reading.

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19 Responses to “Really Very Bad Timing (Ann)”

  1. mk Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 7:34 am

    oh ann…… what a struggle. what a story you have lived. it breaks my heart that while your husband has grown and found healing, you haven’t been able to yet. my heart breaks for you. thank you for sharing.

    please… continue to share. with concerned friends, with a christian therapist. our god is a loving, protective god, and he loves you just as much as he loves your husband. he healed your husband, and he wants to heal you, too. i don’t know what that will look like, but it will happen. praying for you.

  2. Gwen Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 9:32 am

    You look gorgeous, wow! I love your post and your healthy outlook on your body. Your true identity is in Christ no matter what happens around you. He says you’re beautiful and perfect in every way!

  3. Courtney Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Thank you so much for sharing these!! I’m overweight and 6 weeks pregnant and terrified of gaining more weight. But when I look at pictures like yours I feel so relieved that I’m not alone. And when I see women whose bodies look like mine, I realize it is beautiful and all the negativity is in my head. Thanks so much!

  4. shannon Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 11:15 am

    You look absolutely amazing…and you had twins! Way to go :) My sister went through the same thing with her husband. In one month he had ordered about $300 in porn on demand. He unfortunately did not overcome his addiction, and ended up cheating for 2 years (before she found out)…they have 3 young children together, and are getting divorced :( I hope that you can love your body…I cannot imagine what your husband put you through. I would be crushed if mine ever looked at porn. However, it had nothing to do with YOUR body…it is an addiction. I am sure that he sees how beautiful you are, now you have to see it. Consider this, helpourmarriage.org , it is a weekend marriage retreat. It worked for my brother’s marriage, and my parents have done it as well. I hear great things about it!

  5. MJ Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 11:23 am

    you are gorgeous!! how youve delt with you hubbys addiction is very impressive; im am so glad he is getting help and things seem to be going in the right direction!! im currently 37 weeks pg w/#3 and im scared of what my body is going to look like when im done but reading your post gives me hope that i too will be as pretty as you!!! Thanks!!

  6. Sarah Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 11:43 am

    You look great. You truly do. You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’re looking waaaay better than I did at 18 months pp.

    This is just an idea and only if you’re comfortable with it but you could talk to your husband about his desires and which of those you might be able to enjoy together. It might help to focus more on what you can give him (and receive in turn) than what you believe he’s missing out on.

  7. amber Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 11:54 am

    im so sorry about your husband, stay strong, you are beautiful… and with some jogging those lvoe handles will subside much more!

    I hope all goes well :)

  8. amber Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    God bless you Ann. You are beautiful! Thank you for sharing. You are SO not alone when it comes to husband issues. They may love us, but they have their own issues and serious flaws. And it is extremely awful for all involved when it comes to addiction, whatever addiction it may be. My husband also struggles with addiction. I believe that men have a harder time seeing how others feel rather than putting aside their feelings to fix it. So many issues in marriage that we didn’t expect when we got into it! But such beautiful blessings we have, our children. We as women must stay positive, keep our faith in God, and be that solid rock in the family. We are beautiful. You and me. :)

  9. Mel Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    When i read this it broke my heart! I too and struggling with the knowlege my husband has been into porn for years…before me even. I feel that my body after bearing my child must be disgusting to him! I still hurt and it is a struggle everyday to come to terms. Thank you for sharing, if nothing else i see I am not alone.

  10. steph Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    First off i commend how you handled your husbands addiction, i cant say that i would have been so kind. Secondly you look amazing! Very slim! Id say if you did cardio and strength work outs you would get rid of that little pouch and yours is very little. Thirdly trust in god as the others said if he can heal him he will heal you. God loves you and hears your prayers your little boys a proof of that. God bless

  11. Sarah Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    You’re a beautiful woman. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this knowledge. It’s crazy to think that God Himself knows about all of the things we think about and have done and He loves us still! I agree with you that you should talk to someone about this and find a healing place, a place where you bury all of this in the past – where it belongs (after all, aren’t we forgiven if we ask and it’s all washed away?). I agree that it sucks to know all of these things… it can be so hurtful. Thank you for sharing. I hope that you continue to heal. It sounds like that you’re on your way.

  12. Lauren Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    You are a brave and godly woman – continue to fight the good fight and let your faith in Christ sustain you through the struggle! I am so encouraged to hear how you supported your husband is getting counseling for his addiction. Now maybe you can find a mentor to talk you through your body issues. I struggle with the same thing – knowing that my husband has looked at porn, though not in an addictive way – and feeling like I can never compare. I too asked questions that remained to haunt me. I only let my husband see me naked when I am reminded that it is a way to love and bless and serve him, regardless of how ‘sexy’ I am feeling at the moment. Didn’t Christ sacrifice for us in love? All this will work together for your good. I’m lifting you up in prayer!

  13. Marz Says:
    April 5th, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    I’m happy that you and your husband were able to reconcile your difficulties. Although I kind of doubt the “beauty” of women in porn (having actually watched some myself). Don’t let yourself get down and thinking that somehow because your husband overcame a weakness that makes you weak and less of a person. Sometimes I feel like religion makes people too judgemental of themselves (from personal experience). So don’t fall into that pitfall. I know belief and religion can give many people a sense of purpose and true happiness in life, and I’d hate to see it warp your sense of self.
    The thing is, despite how we postpartum women think, terms of beauty always have conditions attached to them. Someone can be beautiful, but they can also be *very* beautiful, considering they’re 50; considering they’ve had twins; considering they just gave birth; etc etc etc. And for having twins, you have a very Venus de Milo look to you. To take a religious perspective (and forgive me if it sounds disengenuous, since I am atheist), but but you cannot believe in your husband’s love of the beauty of your form, them perhaps you need to focus more on how god views you. And the amazing and extraordinary feats your body can accomplish. You were created that way.

  14. terri c Says:
    April 6th, 2011 at 10:11 am

    I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I once heard a speaker say that looking at a lot of porn completely destroys a person’s sense of what is normal. That is part of what your husband did to himself and why he says that now he can see your beauty–he is looking at a real woman, with a real woman’s curvy and beautiful body, and now that he is back to his senses, he can truly see what has been in front of him–that’s not the same as “settling.” Rather, it’s like having the blinders taken off. You are in my prayers. I second the suggestion of a counselor for you–what you’ve gone through is profound.

  15. Christie Says:
    April 6th, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Firstly, wow! I am 12months PP from my second singleton pregnancy and I would have to say we look very similar. Amazing job by you xoxo

    Secondly, your husband’s porn addiction has nothing to do with you, or any shortcomings you may have, imaginary or otherwise. I have also experienced being second best to this revolting sh*t and I know how you are feeling, and I want to offer you the self worth you deserve. Words can’t express how insignificant a horrible fantasy version of “reality” in comparison to a fabulous woman like yourself. All the best :D

  16. Danielle Says:
    April 6th, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Thank you so much for posting this! My husband and I recently went through the same thing, and through counseling, God and both of us working hard we have been able to overcome it.

  17. Ann Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Thank you guys all so much. I am looking into getting some help and things are improving. It felt good to have these posted and not feel shame. This website is great and you are all great.

  18. AngelaR Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I am so sorry to hear that you feel terrible and that your self esteem has been destroyed by your hubby’s past addiction. First off, you look amazing. I would have never thought just by looking at you that you had twins.
    Secondly, you need to know that your hubby’s past addiction has nothing to do with you. Men are very visual creatures and even though they may look at these so called perfect looking women (btw is really a lot of photoshop and is not at all reality) they usually do not compare their wives who they dearly love with these women. These women are merely objects to them which they have no emotional connection to.
    Men also say exactly what they mean and women often read other things into what they are saying. But I urge you to believe your husband when he tells you how beautiful you are. Trust me, when that junk is in a mans head it is hard to focus or concentrate on much of anything.
    Be confident in who you are and how God made you. God did not intend for women to be merely sexual objects.
    Be grateful that your husband got help and has turned from that sin. It really shows how much he cares for you and your boys.
    Please pray daily and ask God for you to see yourself as he does and for the woman He made you to be. I know things will get better and you will overcome this with God’s help.

  19. clarisa Says:
    May 27th, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I am also a mother of Twins. i went until 37 weeks and they weighed 6lbs each. I cant explain how much worse a twin pregnancy is compared to a single one when it comes to your body. I have learned to love my body with so much help from my husband. He has never been addicted to porn but i always had a problem accusing him of not being atttracted to me anymore and it has made me so very insecure. I put my husband through alot the first year after my boys. i lost alot of weight but that twin belly disgusted me when i looked in the mirror i would fight with him when he tolld me i was beautiful i would assume he was lying. ive cried so mmany tears and its still had to this day ..my boys are now 2yrs old and i still have to look at myself but as time goes by i feel like i have really began to start loving my body again. I pray you will too. We have created two beautiful babies and as for me they have chaned my life forever and i thank god for them. I pray your husband has vercome this addiction because you need him more than ever now. God bless you=)

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