1 pregnancy, 2 children
14 months postpartum, twins
My twin boys were perfect timing. Our fertility doctor had just finished telling us we would never conceive naturally. I had just told him that through the grace of God I believed that we would. 3 weeks later some routine tests came back to tell me I was pregnant without the help of drugs or procedures and about 6 weeks later we received the amazing news that there were two little bubs! I was over the moon. My husband seemed a little less excited but I told myself it was that he was overwhelmed, besides that he never was really very good with emotion. As you can imagine I got to be pretty huge. Unfortunately I also became pretty lonely, My husband seemed to withdrawal further and further as my pregnancy progressed. I had an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia at 36 weeks and although very small the boys were born beautiful and healthy. I remember the first day they let me get up on my own to go to the bathroom. I stared at the body in the mirror in absolute disgust. I thought I would look like that forever. As hard as I tried I could not breast feed my boys so not only was my body hideous but it also couldn’t nourish my two beautiful boys. I had some postpartum depression but after a few months I began to feel better. The boys were getting bigger and healthier with the use of formula. I would force myself to look in the mirror stark naked almost daily. It was important that I understood that this was my body now and it had done something incredible for me. I had never been thin to begin with but had always loved my curves. After a couple of months I began to love my body, stretch marks, love handles and all. Through all of this my relationship with my husband got better and then worse. I had always adored my husband and although his personality was distant and sometimes very cold I convinced myself he adored me as well. The month before the boys first birthday my husbands raging porn addiction was found out.It had existed before he had known me so you might think I couldn’t possibly blame myself but I do. This wasn’t an occasional peek at porn, if his addiction had been heroin he would be dead in a gutter some where. It had caused him to seriously neglect our kids and myself for a very long time. My husband has overcome his addiction and hasn’t so much as peeked in months with the help of God, myself, some friends and our pastor. This has helped him to become a very caring, loving husband and father. He is now a man I am proud to be married too. The problem is as he moved on to be a better man, he left me standing in my own insecurities. It took a lot of work to get me to a place where I could look myself in the mirror after my babies. Stupid silly me asked my husband every question I could think of about his addiction- desperate to know just how far it went, just how bad it got. Now I am left with the knowledge of all the women he has seen, all the positions he watched and all my friends and family he thought of lustfully. I feel like I will never ever compare. He treats me like royalty now, tells me without all of that junk in his head he sees just how beautiful I am and always was. What I hear is that now that he can’t see the beautiful women in porn he will settle for me. This is destroying me and I know I need help. I have to convince myself to eat most days and have lost quite a bit of weight in the past couple months. What the twins and the stretch marks and the mom skin couldn’t accomplish in killing my self esteem totally- my husbands addiction managed to do. I don’t know how to dig out of this hole, I don’t know how to heal. I do feel hopeful though, especially when I see my husband being so involved with the boys and when I see their gorgeous smiles. Thanks for reading.