I am 26 and engaged to marry a wonderful man next year. Just a couple of days ago he told me that his utopia would be to marry me and have a baby with me. The thing is, this is not necessarily my idea of an utopic life. I love traveling, I love being able to just leave and get in a plane or drive cross-country for no reason other than my desire to do it. For the longest time I used to proclaim that I’d have six children, but the more time gets near for my marriage, and the more I think about it, the less I want to be pregnant. I ran into this website and I see all your bodies and they look gorgeous to me, stretchmarks and all. However, I don’t want them on MY body. I don’t feel “called” to have a baby inside me, and I shiver at the thought of settling down and be tied down to a kid. I sound horrible, I know, and I feel so bad about not feeling this “call” that the rest of my girlfriends are getting.
The idea of a gestational surrogacy crosses my mind all the time. And then, I think I’m waay too proud and controlling to let another woman carry my child. Noone could do it better than me, right?
I’m certain the issues of abandonment from my father and the guilt-trips of my mom contribute to me being scared sh*tless when contemplating the thought of motherhood. And I don’t wanna have a kid just cuz my future husband wants it. I want to have that desire, but it’s just not there.
Am I a horrible woman? Did any of you feel this way and things changed after you had your baby? Any of you would have chosen a gestational surrogacy if it could’ve been possible?