The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

Not a Mother, Yet… Or Ever? (Tatiana)

June 26, 2009

I am 26 and engaged to marry a wonderful man next year. Just a couple of days ago he told me that his utopia would be to marry me and have a baby with me. The thing is, this is not necessarily my idea of an utopic life. I love traveling, I love being able to just leave and get in a plane or drive cross-country for no reason other than my desire to do it. For the longest time I used to proclaim that I’d have six children, but the more time gets near for my marriage, and the more I think about it, the less I want to be pregnant. I ran into this website and I see all your bodies and they look gorgeous to me, stretchmarks and all. However, I don’t want them on MY body. I don’t feel “called” to have a baby inside me, and I shiver at the thought of settling down and be tied down to a kid. I sound horrible, I know, and I feel so bad about not feeling this “call” that the rest of my girlfriends are getting. :(

The idea of a gestational surrogacy crosses my mind all the time. And then, I think I’m waay too proud and controlling to let another woman carry my child. Noone could do it better than me, right?

I’m certain the issues of abandonment from my father and the guilt-trips of my mom contribute to me being scared sh*tless when contemplating the thought of motherhood. And I don’t wanna have a kid just cuz my future husband wants it. I want to have that desire, but it’s just not there.

Am I a horrible woman? Did any of you feel this way and things changed after you had your baby? Any of you would have chosen a gestational surrogacy if it could’ve been possible?

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

27 Responses to “Not a Mother, Yet… Or Ever? (Tatiana)”

  1. I-dra Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 10:30 am

    We live in an age & a society of contradictions. We have message flying t us 24 hours a day that cancel each other out. Et more! Eat less! She’s too fat! She’s too skinny! Have a baby! Live a jet-set lifestyle! I respect any woman who can really look inwardly to know & accept her true choices. If you don’t want children & you know it, I say bravo. It takes a little moxy to swim against the baby-crazy current perpetuated by celeb magazines. Not everyone is cut out to be parent, just like not everyone is cut out to be a firefighter or a construction worker. If we all did the same thing, nothing would get done! It’s that variety that keeps everything moving. If you’re a traveler, I say travel. Honestly, I wish more women would be honest with themselves & accept that they don’t want kids, instead of bearing children & then taking out their sense of “why me?” on the kids. A certain Belgian author comes to mind. She wrote a book about 40 reasons not to have kids and she’s a mother of TWO! Parenting should be left to those of us who enjoy it. And you should be free to pursue your own passions & interests. So, please don’t feel bad. Knowing thyself is the first step to real happiness.

  2. Sara Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 10:33 am

    You are still young enough that you have several years to decide whether or not you want to be a mom. But it is something that you truly have to want. If you already know in your heart that you don’t want to be a mother (by whatever means), then you do owe it to your future spouse to tell him, because it sounds as though children are an important part of his life plan with you.

    In my opinion, gestational surrogacy is a great option for those who have no others. But as a healthy woman with the ability to create and nurture her own children, I don’t understand why you’d choose such an extremely expensive and complicated road to motherhood.

    First, of course, you have to figure out what you want. Good luck to you and your fiance, whatever your lives may bring you.

  3. Megan Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    I go back and forth on having children.
    I’m getting married this year to a wonderful man that I’ve been with for the last seven years.
    Like you, I look at the women on here and I think they’re beautiful, but I fear that if it was my body, I wouldn’t see it that way.
    Sometimes I think I’d love to have children right after we’re married… and then I think to myself, do I really want that now? Am I ready?
    We have talked about travelling too, and we definitely want to be homeowners before we start having children.
    I think you need to take this one day at a time. The time may come when you’ve had your fill of travelling and adventurous and you’re ready to settle down. I’ve heard motherhood is the most rewarding and beautiful experience, but I want to enjoy that experience at it’s fullest – not wonder if I should have done things before pregnancy.
    Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean the babies have to start coming right away. Just take it a day at a time! You don’t sound like you’re against having babies, you just sound like you’re not ready to make all the sacrifices it takes to be a mother, and I think, personally, that’s okay. It takes time and loads of energy and self-sacrifice to be a mother. You have to be 100% ready for that change in your life.

  4. Healthnut mama Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 11:40 am

    When I got pregnant having kids was the very last thing on my mind. I was 21. I am spontaneous like you. when I found out I was pregnant I was angry and resentful because I felt my life was over. I have 2 babies now and I still hate being tied down. I did however looove being pregnant. I am done having babies now but i still feel that desire to be pregnant. I think that you have the hard part figured out though. You are with someone you love. Had I been with the right man my life would have been pure bliss and being “tied down” wouldn’t even be something I thought about. Take your time. Start by getting him a dog maybe and see if he can handle that kind of commitment and then see how he feels about the responsibility. I think when you’re in love with someone, you will feel the desire to have their babies and it will all come naturally. From personal experience, being pregnant is the most amazing feeling on earth and you will feel such an amazing bond with your baby if you have it yourself. Best of luck. I know you will do whats right for you. Don’t do it just for him, do it for you.

  5. Tabi Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    In some imaginary scenario where I had hired a surrogate to carry the daughter whom I could have just as well carried in a healthy full-term pregnancy on my own (which I did), I’m quite sure I would have looked back later and felt very silly..sure, I might still have those pretty little boobs I used to be so proud of, but knowing that I had opted out of carrying my own child just to preserve my pre-baby figure would have ultimately left me feeling–like I said–silly. Surrogacy is great when there’s a medical need, but in your case, it sounds like there really aren’t any health issues involved, if just sounds like you’re worried about your body changing. Your body will change, and age, whether you carry your own children or not..look, if you have biological children, a woman is going to, some day, literally take the marks from that pregnancy to the grave with her. They’re your children, wouldn’t you–ultimately–want those marks on *you*, since you *can* carry children? Believe me, I totally understand how you feel. well, actually, I never go to feel that way at first, because I had absolutely no clue when I became pregnant that it would change my body permanently, so I wasn’t worried! But now, I do worry about what having a second baby would do to my body, and whether I should wait to adopt later in my life (I’m only 21) if I do end up wanting more children…all because I’m scared of my boobs drooping! Admitting that, I feel a little embarrassed, because I don’t want to be, or sounds, shallow. The best way to minimize the changes in your body, and to reduce your chance of getting stretch marks, is to make sure to get in great shape right before you plan on becoming pregnant. I know, it’s a bummer to think of getting in awesome shape only to become pregnant immediately, but my logic is this: whatever weight you gain during pregnancy, you’d be gaining on top of what’s already there, so you’re better off making sure that what’s already there pre-pregnancy isn’t too much, in terms of body fat. The other key to remember is simply to eat well. Although you may end up craving pizza every day for months on end like I did, that doesn’t mean you have to indulge that craving…if you eat healthily during pregnancy (fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein) and you will find that you’re gaining just the right amount of weight to grow a healthy baby, while not adding more extra “padding” than necessary. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!

  6. lisa Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. but if you choose not to have them do it for the right reason – because that is what YOU want. don’t let the fear of stretchmarks, pregnancy, labor, etc. be the reason. not everyone gets stretchmarks and even if you do i guarantee you wouldn’t trade your baby for your “old” body. and remember they have epidurals for a reason! if not having children is your honest choice there are plenty of other things in life to enjoy – just like the traveling you mentioned. but do be fair to your fiance and let him know your thoughts and feelings before the wedding happens – it is only fair to both of you! if you end up choosing to have children – i hope you would choose to cayy them yourself rather than use a surrogate. aside from the issue of expense, you would miss out on so many wonderful things. there is nothing quite so magical as feeling your baby move inside of you. good luck with your future and any decision that you make!

  7. Cierra Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    There is no shame in not wanting children, or even just wanting to wait. You have time before you can no longer carry a child, so you shouldn’t feel pressured to make a choice right away.

    If you’re having so many doubts about having a child, try talking to your fiance. Maybe show him why you’re afraid. Whether using this site or not. Tell him how you want to stay “free”. And as someone else posted above, try getting a dog or something that takes a high level of commitment. Maybe then you guys could decide together whether or not you’re ready to take that step of becoming parents.

    While it’s amazing that I have my daughter, I wish it hadn’t resulted in this body. And because of my body I hold myself back. So please, take the time to consider your choices.

  8. Jessica Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I’m sure you’ve thought about these things a lot, but since you didn’t exactly address the following in your post, I thought I would point it out: It seems like there are two things that might be important for you to examine:

    1) Is it that you don’t want children at all, or that you just don’t want to be pregnant? From your post, it seems as if you feel like there are a lot of things you want to do before having children, which is totally fine, of course! But if gestational surrogacy is crossing your mind all the time, it seems as if there is something about the physical process of being pregnant that is unappealing to you – it’s up to you to figure out if that is something you want to work through, or if you actually to want to use a surrogate or adopt. Both of the latter are expensive and complex processes, as I’m sure you know.

    2) If your husband-to-be really wants to have a child or children, you should think long and hard about what that means for your relationship. Just as you don’t want to have kids simply because he does – and he should respect that – you should respect his desire for children and not assume that he can be talked out of it or that he will change his mind. It would be a terrible thing to always have in your marriage a rift over the very fundamental issue of whether or not you will have children. It’s not the kind of issue that just goes away.

    My 2 cents. :)

  9. Louise Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Don’t become a mother until you are sure it’s something you want to do.

    My husband was the perfect man for me except he wanted kids. I gave in and had a baby. It took me four years to become comfortable with being a mother. It could have been worse, I could have ended up resenting my child or my husband. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t have had my child. She’s not a bad kid at all. I just think she deseves a mother who is more enthusiastic about this mothering business.

  10. Shawna Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Here is an important piece of advice.

    Do what YOU want to do and be honest with your spouse.

    You half to do what makes you happy because if you do what others expect or want from you; you will resent them and it could take a long time to heal. If you do what makes you happy and your honest to everyone up front then it will be less painful down the road.

  11. Sebrina Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    My sister was a lot like you. She didn’t ever want kids after working in a day care for many years. She didn’t want them to the point of getting her tubes tied. This was all in her twenties. Then when she was in her early thirties, that all changed. She said her biological clock was ticking louder than ever. She wanted a baby bad enough that she did do invitro, twice!

    So I guess what I’m saying is, don’t write it off yet. You may not want them now, but you never know what the future holds for you. You just may change your mind a few years down the road. And if you don’t, that is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. My only piece of advice is, make sure you let your man know how you are feeling. I do hope that no matter what happens for you, you are happy, truly happy!

  12. Stacie Hulm Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    Hey!

    I was so like you before I had my daughter (now 14 months old). I was militantly against having children and although I love her dearly now … sometimes I wish I could have my freedom again. Sometimes. But I think most moms, if they’re being honest, would say the same thing.

    I’m still settling into the whole motherhood thing (something that came not a little bit unnaturally to me) – and it can cause a lot of growing pains. Self sacrafice, living for someone else. But it was Einstien who said, “A life lived for others is the only life worth living”. And I agree with him – so this, and the maturity and perspective which motherhood has afforded me, keeps me going.

    You don’t have to let your past experience with your parents affect your decisions to experience parenthood yourself. You can reinvent parenthood in your own terms. I have – because that was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to have kids too.

    The only thing I would say to you is that you need to make sure you and your fiance are on the same page before you get married. This can cause major problems later on. If he definitely wants children and you definitely don’t – then it would probably be better for you to reassess your relationship now.

    The point I got to was literally asking myself if I wanted to get passed menopause age and potentially have serious life regrets about not having a child. This is a question you may have considered yourself. If not … it might be a question you want to muse over.

    Good luck with your decision.

  13. Amy Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Hi, I’m not sure why i feel compelled to respond to this as i usually just read the entries and don’t write anything. I felt exactly like you more or less before i had my baby and i can tell you that i still feel exactly the same after having him. He was very very wanted but having a child (whether through surrogacy or the more traditional way) is a LIFE consuming thing- you won’t be able to pick up and leave whenever you want and you won’t even be able to do what you want in your own home! You are not selfish, you are honest- lots of women feel this way and i think it is a misconception that things will change after you have the baby- you know in your heart what you are really like. my advice would be- don’t have a baby unless you are absolutely sure you want one. The fact that you have considered surrogacy while presumably having no fertility probs seems to me that you feel ambivalent about the commitment you would have to the baby- you need to be 100% committed to have a kid because if you aren’t the person who deserves it least (the baby) ends up losing out. Take your time and don’t rush into anything- you are only 26! best of luck

  14. Mary Says:
    June 27th, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Everyone has different wants and needs. I never wanted children… or wanted to be a wife, but when I met my husband that all changed, we got married and were trying to have a baby right away. I also have a good friend that has been married for about 8 years now, and neither of them are really interested in having children yet.
    There is no timeline that says you have do do this here and that there. Go at your own pace, you are not selfish or horrible in any way, I think it would be horrible for you to force yourself to have something you are not ready for. Enjoy being a newlywed, enjoy traveling, and then when everything settles down you may change your mind. And I dont think having a surrogate is a bad way to go if you are that worried about your body… if I could have I would have had one! Its better to have control of the events in your life and be happy with them, then to force them without being comfortable and spent years regretting and resenting. Just talk to your husband about everything, you have to be totally honest with him if you dont want to compromise your own wants.

  15. H Says:
    June 27th, 2009 at 8:08 am

    No-one is ever truly ready for kids I don’t think. I have three, and there are still times when I think, how did I end up with three kids at the age of 27!?
    No matter what your age, or how much you have researched, thought, pondered etc, having a baby is always a new learning curve. Exciting and terifieing all at once. There are times when I look at my kids sleeping and cry because I love them so much, yet there are times when I cry because I can’t cope with them fighting with eachother or being horrid.
    Also, you can still go all the places you want to go, but with one extra passenger :)
    Good luck XXXXX

  16. Bridget Says:
    June 27th, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Lots of comments… You know, every woman is different. Don’t apologize about the way you feel. Having children is a huge decision that lasts forever and you shouldn’t do it until you really want to. If there comes a time that you start feeling that desire, then cool. If not, that’s okay too (of course I’m not speaking for your partner). You don’t have to conform to any standards to feel accepted. Be you and be happy.

  17. Tania Says:
    June 27th, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    This is funny! I’d say I’m in the same situation as you, and our names are even similar! :)

    In my case, I want children, badly, but I just don’t look forward to being pregnant. AT ALL. It took me SO LONG to even accept the four (pathetic me, I counted them!) stretch marks from adolescent growth on my lower back, and to just THINK of what is to come with a pregnant belly makes me wanna vomit.

    If you can afford GS, and are willing to give up the experience of carrying your own baby, then go for it!

    You must, however, talk with your FI before the wedding. I did. I actually directed him to this website and explained to him how (1) I wanted children, but (2) wasn’t ready to carry them myself. To my surprise he was 100% supportive of us either adopting or going with GS.

    Our wedding is also a year away, and there are days when I wake up and realize the blessing of having my soulmate as a life partner. For a brief instant I do want to be the bearer of that awesome gift to him… but that feeling is always fleeting and quickly vanishes as I accept that I am not ready to handle body changes due to pregnancy. Not now any way.

    I’ve asked all my friends if it was worth losing that pre-prego body for the experience of carrying their kid, and unanimously they replied “yes.”

    Maybe I’ll be there one day. And maybe you will too. But if we are not, then it just means our calling was a different one. Period. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be a mom or for wanting to wait.

    I think it actually takes balls to admit it. And we are! So hurray for us! :D

  18. Ashley Says:
    June 28th, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    I just want to comment on the surrogacy part… I HATE every stretch mark on my body, and I hated every one of the 60lbs I gained (though 14mo pp I look damn good now lol, I hated being pregnant (even though it was pretty text book!) BUT would I have someone else carry my baby for me? Hell no! Like you said, no one else could do it better right? Not to mention what do you tell you child when she’s older? I love you honey, but I didn’t want you bad enough to carry you myself, I might have gotten stretch marks or a flabby stomach! What kind of message does that send to her?

    Like another woman said, the idea of having someone else carry your baby for you when you are perfectly capable is just silly!

    Another thing, “hiring” a surrogate costs about 30k… it would be a lot cheaper to carry the baby yourself and then get a tummy tuck and new boobs!

  19. shannon Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 7:48 am

    I think that is takes a special type of woman to be a mother. Not all people are cut out to or even deserve to be parents. I was not ready when I had my first or second child! I got pregnant with my first when I was 19 (luckily I had been with the same guy for 3 years…and we got married when our son was 8 months)…I was especially not ready for all of the health issues my son ended up being born with. He spent the first month of his life in the ICU, had a trach and feeding tube placed when he was only 2.5 weeks old, I had to go through training on all of his medical cares…it all ended up coming natural to me, especially the mothering part. My son could never walk, crawl, or even hold his head up…he couldn’t talk or make “real” noise due to his trach, and he never got to eat orally…but he was the happiest most amazing child a mother could ever wish for. I got pregnant with my second son just 3 months after my first passed (he passed away at 19 months, and my second pregnancy was very unplanned but welcome). I am 22 years old, have had 2 baby boys, and have had to say goodbye to one. I would not change any of it (although I wish for Connor back every single day),I am covered in stretch marks, and have a tiny overhang due to 2 cesareans…but who cares? My boys are amazing, and they were beyond worth it. I think it is almost a kick it the face to women who cannot get pregnant for you to want a GS when you are perfectly healthy. I am sorry for the harsh truth, but there it is. If you feel you will resent your child in any way for changing your “perfect” figure, then do not have one.

  20. Deb Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 7:58 am

    You’re not a horrible person- you’re honest. You’re also young, so relax. The fact that you wrote here makes me think there is a spark of the “call” in you, even if it’s no where near the forefront now. You have another ten years before this inner conflict of yours should worry you. About the surrogacy thing- I don’t really get it because it’s not consistent with your conflict, which seems mostly not wanting to be tied down. You would still be tied down whether you carried the child yourself or not…? Take your honesty a little further and figure out where the conflict really comes from. If it turns out to be simply that you don’t want to lose your figure, that will wear off with age- TRUST ME! Over time, if you really get the call, it will overpower most other things. Plus, once your figure starts to go anyway b/c of age and gravity, you work harder at maintaining it, and you realize that you have some control over it. It’s work, but you don’t completely lose it if you don’t want to. It changes sure, but you do have control. I know some people who look better in their 30s and 40s after kids than they do in their 20s before kids. Relax and continue to be honest with yourself. Whichever choice you make will be the right one for you.

  21. Melissa Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    If you ever make it down this far, I felt the same as you until we had a pregnancy scare. Shortly after getting married I started having issues with my birth control so stopped taking it and we used condoms. My husband was ready for kids and I wasn’t so he suggested in the heat of the moment that we shouldn’t use one….sounded ok at the time. The rest of the month I was terrified then disappointed when my period came. That was a shock. Around the same time the following year we officially decided to try for a baby. I was really surprised that I wanted it so badly when a year before I was terrified to become pregnant.
    Not wanting kids right now or ever doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s honest and you know what you want but you may not always feel the same way. My mom also never wanted kids, until after she was pregnant. It’s hard to accept the changes in both your life and baby. I made it out of pregnancy relatively unmarked, ok slightly marked, and I’m still scared that the next time around I may not be so lucky. Our society tells us that the marks of motherhood aren’t attractive, that’s what this web site helps with.

  22. xxBillieBonesxx Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a baby!! Its perfectly normal. You need to let him know that. Don’t let some one pressure you into something as big and important as this. YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT LATER. There are millions of beautiful children waiting for a family to find them and love them. So maybe you’ll change your mind in the future. But don’t let any one tell you your a bad person because you make a choice. ITS YOUR BODY. Not, theirs. And you can do ANYTHING you want with it.

  23. Audrey Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    I do NOT agree about getting a dog just to see if it would work out for you! That is horrible and irresponsible! That is the reason so many animals are abandoned and put to sleep in shelter’s each year. They are living feeling things that bond with you, they are not just a trial run, it’s not like a car you can lease for a couple years to see if it works out.
    ….just had to get that out of the way…in response to your post…I would highly reccomend talking to your fiance’ and making sure he’s okay should you not decide to have children, hopefully he loves you enough to just want to be with you regardless if you’ll bear him children. But it can cause sooooo much resentment and sadness and perhaps a divorce if it is not settled now. It’s not fair for anyone involved to think the other’s mind can be changed. It’s not fair to the resulting child if you do not want it and where gulited into it.

  24. Tara Says:
    July 2nd, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    every thing you feel is todally normal….if and when you have your baby you will understand its both easy both to let go and miss your life before baby all at once. ( at least i did)

  25. Ruth Says:
    July 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    youre 26 only 26. you have all the time in the world. (roughly a decade) to travel all you like and have fun with your husband-to-be. dont get to wound up about it. often the mothering instinct kicks in later (with my mum it was at 33) dont worry about it. enjoy life :D

  26. A Girl Says:
    July 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I felt this way. I am now in the end game of an unplanned pregnancy and hate that I am saying goodbye for a -long- time to just up and going. I used to travel the country in pursuit of my man, but now we are together and very stationary.

    It isn’t thrilling, but it is what it is. He is very happy to settle down again, I think (service has had him on the move for 3 years almost). I had only just found the freedom in me to make a decision and hop on a plane, train, bus or car and go where I wanted about 2 years ago. Vacations won’t be the lovers’ getaways of the past, especially with no family nearby to pass off responsibilities to, but we’ll get by.

    I know I’ll love my child.

    I know I will probably at times resent what I’ve lost as well, and I think that is ok. We are taught mothers have to 100% love being a mom 24/7 and crave to be SAHMs etc ect. wishing I could have my child and the freedom and ease to live the way -I- want doesn’t seem evil to me.

    I am already looking forward to when baby is old enough to spend a few days with grandparents!!! Those will be the days :)

  27. A Girl Says:
    July 6th, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Oh, and please don’t do the dog thing :) dogs as gifts are sweet in theory but horrible in practice. When I adopted my little girl I was up every two hours every night for months. She had to go out a lot, she would throw up etc. It was a lot like having a baby, and a lot of my mother friends welcomed me to motherhood when I came to work worn and ragged. My story is unique, my puppy had contracted a number of illnesses that showed up the day after I adopted her, and her bladder didn’t mature until she was 8 months.

    It was quite a test. When I became pregnant and was -still- able and willing to get up twice a night, exhausted and nauseas, I realized if feeling like that I could care for my dog, I could for my child.

    It’s the situation I ended up in, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone to put themselves through it for a test.

Comments


Support This Site