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My Doctor Makes Me Feel Bad (Anonymous)

November 10, 2010

Age: 27
# pregnancies and births: 1/1
34 weeks pregnant

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first child, a boy. Ive struggled with my weight throughout my entire life except for a brief time in college. Before I got pregnant I was 5’7″ and 200lbs. I had recently had to switch OB/GYN providers because my old OB/GYN PCSed (my husband is in the military so I’m seen at a military facility) to a new area. My past few appointments have been nothing short of horrible with my new provider. I dread going to my appointment because I know that my weight is going to the be the main topic of discussion. Ive put on 32 pounds since I found out I was pregnant, which apparently is too much according to my new provider. According to her I should have only gained 15 pounds. Despite my “excessive weight gain”, my blood pressure is normal, I tested negative for gestational diabetes, and my baby is perfectly healthy and of a normal size. Like I said before, Ive struggled with my weight my entire life. I have old stretch marks from all of the weight I gained as a child. Now that I’m pregnant I have new ones in addition to the older ones. The first time that I saw her I noticed that she looked disapprovingly at my stretch marks, but didnt comment. She didnt have to comment though, the look on her face said everything. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but yet I’m re-living the nightmares of my overweight childhood, adolescent, and teen years. I’m an RN so I know what constitutes healthy and non-healthy foods as well as what it means to be “healthy”. I’ve worked with physcians like her throughout my career who seem to have the bedside manner of roadkill. I know that I shouldnt let the comments and disapproving looks get me so down, however I cant seem to shake them. My husband hasnt been able to come with me to my last few appointments due to military duty requirements so Ive had to endure this “harrassment” on my own. Ive literally been in tears after my last few appointments. I just wish that this physician could see beyond the number on the scale and recognize that I am in fact healthy despite my weight, but I honestly dont think that will happen. I’m looking forward to the day that little man finally gets here and I dont have to endure the negative banter and feelings of worthlessness this physician instills in me at every visit. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks and somehow she expects me to only gain 1 pound in bewteen then and now. HA!

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37 Responses to “My Doctor Makes Me Feel Bad (Anonymous)”

  1. Anna Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Try to get a new PCM, I’m sure if you explain that your current PCM isnt working for you, you could be seen by someone else. You shouldnt be treated like that, no one should. Congrats on your baby boy :)

  2. DL Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Wow that is not right, I know how it feels b/c ppl at work comment on my weight they r used to seeing me smaller and I gained 55 lbs my last pregnancy, and a yr and 3 months later baby # 2 is on it’s way, I am now 3+ mo. pregnant and the unwanted comments have started, it’s unfair that ppl r so mean I hate it, an I am not even showing yet, you really do look good tho, I seem to hold on to water while pregnant so I get really puffy looking towards the end. U look great and will continue to look great don’t worry. Everything I seem to eat goes right on the scale like my body is not burning anything ugh lol. take care!

  3. Kat Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 9:13 am

    That’s bs. I’m so sorry that your Obgyn is treating you that way. As a woman she needs to understand that some people simply put on more weight than others. My body puts on weight when I’m preggo too, regardless of what I do. With my first (10lb boy) I put on 70 lbs and a sh*t load of stretch marks. With my second (8 lb girl) I put on 32 but I ate SUPER healthy. With my third (9 lb boy) I put on 35 lbs and I ate right and worked out HARD while I was preggo. The amount of weight you gain shouldn’t matter as long as you are healthy and baby is healthy. And 32 pounds is absolutely appropriate at your stage of pregnancy. Judging by the pics, you look fantastic! You have nothing to worry about! Stretch marks are just a part of life and your Obgyn needs a reality check on that. Depending on how this delivery goes, maybe next time you can consider going with a midwife. They consider 40 lbs minimum weight gain and they focus on health, not the scale. You are beautiful, and your Obgyn can suck it. I hope you have a beautiful delivery! ))hugs((

  4. Mary V Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Eugh, military doctors!!!! I was in the military with my first and I have to say I saw a different doctor every appointment and had no idea who would be there when I delivered… after delivery I had retained placenta for 6 weeks and the staff at the hospital kept telling me I was fine and asking if I was trying to get pain meds… I was very happy with my second when I had a civilian doctor, maybe you could go off-post for care? Every pregnancy is different, you just stay healthy mama!

  5. Mary V Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Wait… 34 weeks and 32lbs!!!! That sounds pretty normal to me!?!

  6. Kat Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I also wanna add that your doc needs to realize that the stress shes causing you is affecting the baby more adversely than any weight gain or stretch marks.

  7. Michelle Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 9:46 am

    All I can say is wow. You don’t have much longer to go though, so be happy about that! And you look great! I’ve somehow managed to gain 95 lbs throughout this pregnancy, 80 of it within five months so I have soooo many stretch marks. If my doctor were to look at mine the way your doctor looked at yours I probably would have blown up on them, and then blamed it on the hormones afterward. Haha. You’re doing great Mama, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and don’t let other people’s rude remarks get you down. Congrats on your baby boy!!

  8. Apryl Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Report the treatment she’s given you to her superior.

    You look great. 32 pounds is completely normal at this point.

  9. Khirsten Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 11:40 am

    I know exactly how you feel, I am going through the same thing at the moment. I am currently pregnant with my second child, whom I am expecting before my first turns two. My doctor went so far as to state that I have no reason to be as stressed as I am, or to be putting on the weight that I have because his wife gave birth to all four of his children while he was doing his residency. He knows my history of depression and eating disorders and that I am a long distance athlete who knows how to eat well, but he has still taken it upon himself to judge. You can be guaranteed that he is not the only one judging. It seems like when you decide to devote yourself to this little miracle people also assume you have painted a target on your back. Please take solace in the knowledge that there are others out there going through the same thing and that there are health providers who do understand. My public health nurse whom I have had since my first son’s birth and my OBGYN’s nurse have both said to stop stressing about it and to enjoy what little time I have before number two arrives. Congrats on your pregnancy!

  10. scs Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 11:59 am

    I would tell the doc to kiss my a$$. I totally understand the stregth marks from weight going up and down. AS LONG AS U AND THE BABY R HEALTHY THEY NEED TO GIVE IT A REST

  11. scs Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    oh and besides u don’t look that big to begin with

  12. Sarah Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    I have started all 4 of my pregnancies at 5’7″ and about 210 lbs and no health issues whatsoever. Thankfully my OB with my first never said a thing about the 40lbs that I gained, but all the literature I have ever read says 15-20 lbs is all a girl my size should gain. I told my sister that and her comment was that if it were that, I wouldn’t be fat in the first place! I love my sister! My midwife that I have had with the other 3 pregnancies has actually encouraged 40lbs – a pound per week. And that is what I gained with the first three and I am on track to gain with this one. I also have dropped most all of it by 6 weeks postpartum – despite the extreme hunger from breastfeeding. If it wouldn’t create too much tension, I would be tempted to remind her of your profession and that you really don’t appreciate her comments on your weight. I would let her know that it is fine to weigh you, but commentary isn’t necessary as long as all other health indicators remain normal. But I wouldn’t do it if it would cause her to be more nasty.

    Hang in there just a few more weeks! You look fabulous!

  13. Marz Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Don’t feel bad, hun. I’m 38 weeks and being seen at a military facility too. I was 5′ 7″ and under 160 at my first appointment (13 weeks), and I was told gaining 20-25 would be perfect for me. Then– lo and behold, at another appointment they told me 15-20 was what we were shooting for.
    I would really advise you to try making an appointment with a male doctor; I’ve found that the female military doctors are more rigid when it comes to weight (i don’t think they realize civilians don’t have PT standards). Try calling TRICARE and when they make an appointment ask if there are any male doctors available for clinic hours because you are having problems with your current provider. They’ll tell you to do some paperwork to change your doc, but if you insist on having someone else, even if it’s not permanant, they’ll give em to ya. (or at least they did for me in Bremerton)
    And I had stretch marks when I was in high school and I only weighed 140! Your doc should know better than to acknowledge stretch marks like that! Shame on her!
    One thing I’ve learned is that for some people, being pregnant won’t be the happiest time of your life, but it should NOT have to be one of the most stressful. I’ve worried needlessly about my weight for years and never got help for any of my problems; I had a full-blown, unprovoked panic attack in front of my doctor during my last visit. He immediately insisted on giving me some anti-anxiety meds, and I gotta say, I’m sorry I didn’t do that sooner.
    So take care of yourself! One thing I’ve learned after fighting the system with TriCare is that if you want something done, you have to let someone know. If you want a lab done, or a test done, or if you’re concerned about something, speak up.
    And if your doctor has made speaking up uncomfortable for you– talk to someone else and get a new doctor! You don’t deserve that kind of stress while you’re pregnant!

  14. Cindy Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Shame on that doctor… some of us will never be (nor do we want to be) a size 2… I started my pregnancy at 195lbs, and now, at 32 weeks, I weigh 222… I see a midwife who doesn’t judge and realizes that as long as you are healthy and that the baby is healthy, nothing else matters… Be proud of your body, your baby, and tell this doctor what is on your mind… I’ve had enough of doctors thinking they know what is best- they are often the most unhealthy of all of us.

  15. C Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I was about 14 lb’s “overweight” when I got pregnant and gained 44 lb’s. Not once was it an issue…my doctor and then later midwife stated, since you are aware of “this”, just stay aware. Not once was it an issue…she did say at on point near the end “it is a little more than usual, but everything is going perfect”. I exercised throughout and had a c-section and had a beautiful baby boy :)
    Just be glad you aren’t one of those women who gain like 100 lb’s! (no offense to anyone) but… now THAT amount can not be good for you!
    Think you look great! :)

  16. Bella Says:
    November 11th, 2010 at 2:56 am

    Hi – I understand you! Must be terrible with such a focus at weight from your OB/GYN under your first pregnancy. The first time, you don`t know have your body will handle pregnancy, and when your health seems to be really good, there is no really point for your OB/GYN to stress you with focus at weight. When I was pregnant with my first child, I refused to be weightened at my OB/GYN.I told her I did`nt want to, and said that it gave me a bad feeling. I know that she still wanted to weigh me, so she could wright down at her scheme and feel she had done a good job, but she did`nt have the courage to insist so I had it my way. And I loved it!!!! When I told my other pregnant friens they couldn`t believe that I had “escaped” the weight-terror-regime! I mean, what can she do if you refuse to be weightened? She can`t force you, and as long as you are willing to tet your health other ways, your baby should be just fine! Big Hug

  17. Colleen Says:
    November 11th, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Military doctors are such a pain in the ass (sorry for the language, but it’s true). My cousin wanted a home birth for her third child and her military doctor told her if she did that, she couldn’t have an ultrasound at 20 weeks! Really? (they ultimately ended up doing a US because they thought she was carrying twins). Plus a military doctor nearly killed my uncle. I think you have every right to complain about the treatment you’re receiving and request another doctor. Nobody, even in the military, should have to put up with the stress your doctor is inflicting.

    And C–women with higher-order multiples are encouraged to gain around 100 pounds. Just think, 300 calories per baby times 4-5 (or even six) babies adds up fast! But I simply cannot imagine gaining 100 pounds in 9 months with one baby!

  18. Lucy Says:
    November 11th, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Isn’t the medical profession’s first rule to “do no harm?” I would never go see her again if I were you. If you have no other choice, I would tell her off. She is working for YOU, remember? You deserve a doctor who makes you feel GOOD.

  19. Sheila Says:
    November 11th, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you have such a horrible OB. I hope you manage to find a new doctor. Every woman deserves to have a doctor she feels completely comfortable with and trusting in. Is this what the government thinks our soldiers and their families are worth? It makes me sad. You look great honey… I’m 5′ 7″ too and started my pregnancy at 150lbs. I gained 55lbs during my pregnancy while eating healthy and getting plenty of exercise. My doctor was always telling me that I was gaining too much and I wanted to hit him. During one week in particular, I gained 10 lbs and was told that was WAY too much… I told him he was crazy and he backed off a bit. Seriously… How many candy bars, cheeseburgers, etc. would I have to eat to really gain that much weight in a week. It just wasn’t possible. I retained a lot of water in that week and for the rest of my pregnancy. I was rockin’ some serious cankles :) I lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks after delivery. Everybody is different. Some of us just don’t have control over our weight gain, no matter what we do & it is still healthy for US. Doctors should know better than to encourage eating disorders, especially in pregnant women. Keep doing what you’re doing and trust in yourself mama. You know what is right :)

  20. Sara Says:
    November 12th, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    I don’t know anything about military medical care, but UGH UGH UGH. That is just not right.

    I’ll say this. With my first son, I started out at 175lbs (I’m 5’11″ so that’s considered “healthy” according to BMI, which I don’t really trust), ate a healthy-but-whatever-I-wanted diet, and ballooned up to 260lbs. Do the math, that’s a lot of stinkin’ weight (much of it water weight in the last few weeks of pregnancy). I was fairly active (not exercising as a separate activity, but walking to work and such)

    My second pregnancy, I started out at about 220, ate pretty much the same as the first time around, was unable due to pain to exercise, and ended up at… wait for it… 260lbs. Apparently my body just wants to be 260lbs to deliver a baby, I don’t know.

    I say tell your doctor to stuff it somewhere unpleasant… or just do so in your head. Be healthy by every measure that counts.

    If your husband can’t make it to your appointment, is there another person you could take with you for moral support? Or perhaps a neighborhood pit bull or other intimidating-looking dog? ;-)

  21. Spaceyariel Says:
    November 14th, 2010 at 7:41 am

    i went from 118LBS to 176 in my pregnancy (though mostly fluid i think),and was perfectly healthy throughout. no problem.

    get a new doc quick-smart! you dont want some idiot dragging you down like that, youve got enough on your plate as it is!

  22. Carrissa Says:
    November 14th, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Just curious why you don’t switch to a midwife? Midwives have such better bedside manner than OBs as a rule. They care about the person – not about weight, stretch marks and all manner of other ridiculous things. I would highly recommend you go that route instead. :) No need to put up with that bullshit. Your pregnancy should be the way you want it to be. If you don’t have gestational diabetes and low blood pressure – who cares what you weigh?

  23. katie Says:
    November 15th, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    I gained over 70 pounds my first pregnancy, and also switched providers at about 6 months, when I couldn’t take feeling like I failed some competition after each appointment. After switching, I realized it’s not me: it’s him.
    Just remember: it’s not you, it’s her!!
    My first provider was condescending, I felt like he saw me as ‘another welfare teen mom.’ because I was on state medical and 18. He was apathetic, cold, and incredibly dissaproving of the amount of weight I gained. He even went as far as to lecture me once about how basically my life would be miserable if I wasn’t able to loose baby weight, and that statistically it was highly unlikely I would ever return to my normal size. (I had been medically UNDERWEIGHT before getting pregnant.) Doctors are people too, just people. Don’t let her project her own insecurities on you.

  24. Misti Says:
    December 21st, 2010 at 7:25 am

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this with your PCM. I too have Tricare and during my first pregnancy I had a difficult time with the professionalism of the staff at the midwife clinic on post. I was told to “keep my hands out of the cookie jar” by a woman who was definitely chubby herself. Don’t let the jerks who work there detract from the experience of your pregnancy and birth. And remember, you can always contact a patient care representative if things get too bad. During my second pregnancy, I had issues getting an appointment, so I started emailing and was approved to go to a civilian doctor off post and deliver in a civilan hospital. What a different experience! :)

  25. Amber Says:
    December 26th, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    I’m sure you have delivered your little one by now, but…

    I started my pregnancy at 235lbs (but I’m 5’10″ and really don’t look that heavy). In my first trimester I lost about 12lbs just by eating healthier, and now at 26 weeks I’m still down 7lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight.

    My OB (who I’ve been seeing for a long time as we were having fertility issues) never had a thing to say about my weight once I got pregnant, but both my mom and aunt got on my case about not gaining weight. My mom went so far as to tell me that when our neighbour was pregnant she weighed even less than me and her doctor told her she shouldn’t gain any weight. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself and my weight, so when I went to see my GP I asked her about ideal weight gain. She said typically, 25-35lbs is considered healthy and if you have some to spare when you start, they would hope you stay closer to the 25 than the 35. I told her what my mom had said about not gaining any weight, and her response was this:

    “Pregnancy is not a diet. You can’t go 9 months growing a baby and then deliver a baby, a placenta and a lot of amniotic fluid and suddenly expect to be 20lbs lighter. Stay healthy and that’s the best you can do.”

    Regardless of the numbers on the scale, that comment is what I’m going to focus on. Limiting weight gain cannot be the goal… growing a healthy baby is!

  26. Cassie Says:
    January 22nd, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    I’m so sorry you are being treated this way, it’s completely inappropriate and quite frankly rude. I am only one inch taller than you and started my pregnancy 50 lbs heavier than you. My OB constantly reminds me to watch my weight in every appointment we have. Thus far I have ony gained 10 lbs at 20 weeks but he acts like I’m shamu the whale :) Luckily for me, I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin, I’m ok that I am fat and for that reason alone I am able to listen to what he says about the progression of my pregnancy and completely ignore anything he says about my weight. I just tune him out and then come back to the conversation when he is done. I know it’s HARD to love yourself, and it’s a long long journey to get there, but try to ingore her. Concentrate on all the good things you are thinking and feeling about your baby, trust your body and take what the horrible doctor says with a healthy pinch of salt.

  27. jennifer Says:
    January 29th, 2011 at 12:32 am

    dont let that dr treat you this way!! my dr tells me that no one can tell you how much you should or should not gain your body is the one who is going to decide how much you will gain and your actions are what moves that number up and down. i gained 55lbs with my first son, (i was pregnant before but i lost that baby) :( and my dr never mentioned anything about me gaining too much weight. now that i am pregnant again i started at 200lbs :) and i am happy with my baby making body and i am excited to hold this baby in my arms :) you should be too because you are making a baby and you dont deserve a dr telling you anything about gaining too much weight!!! excuse my language but f*&^ him!

  28. Suzanne Says:
    February 1st, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    I had to write because your story sounded so much like my friend’s. Her doctor was constantly shaming her about her weight. As a result, when she became sick she hesitated before seeking help. It turned out that she had a severe kidney infection. She passed away at age 28 due to sepsis. If she had just gone to the doctor right away she would still be alive, and the reason she didn’t go was because she hated being treated badly because she hadn’t lost her baby weight.

    Doctors aren’t Gods, and they have no super powers. Don’t give this one more credibility than he deserves. You are awesome just the way you are. Please don’t let this doctor treat you badly. You deserve respect and kindness.

  29. L Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 12:01 am

    I had a similar situation with my sons birth. I was healthy weight 140 and gained 47 pounds.when I gained 35 she told.me flat out to stop gaining. I had no idea about nutrition at that time because I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t gain had a flat stomach. It was hard and I tried to stop gaining but did anyway. I too got stretchmarks some so deep that a few layers of skin didn’t grow back and it was vet painful to have your skin rip like that.

    Its very cool that your a RN so you know your healthy. Don’t let her stress you out try to get someone new. Hope your little one comes soon!!

  30. L Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 12:03 am

    Oops looking at the date of your post your son is probably already here hope all is well now!

  31. Carrie Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Are you sure we don’t have the same OB/GYN? I weighed the same as you, same height, gained around the same amount and my doctor was jerk to me the whole time, even though my baby and I were healthy throughout. She was shocked that I didn’t have GD and made me tested for it again because I she couldn’t believe someone at my weight wouldn’t have diabetes. She even made a deal about my post-pregnancy weight. The baby weight came off fast but she made sure to tell me I needed to lose more, and didn’t I want to? I wanted to tell her to eff off and mind her business. She was a jerk on so many levels. I hopefully will be finding a new ob/gyn with my next pregnancy.

  32. E Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Just to give everyone an update. I had my little boy on 11/14/2010 at 3:07am. He weighed 6lbs 8oz and was perfectly healthy. My final weigh in before I gave birth was 240. When I went back for my 6 week check-up I was down to 220. The doctor’s response was “Hmmm…I guess all that was just fluid” after making me feel horrible throughout my pregnancy. I tried to get a different OB, but since we’re stationed overseas right now that proved to be easier said than done. The joys of Tricare Overseas :) I wont even get into the hell that I went through with the delivery…I have a beautiful healthy baby boy now and that’s all that matters though :)

  33. Lala Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Maybe the doctor was talking about the overall weight not just her newly gained weight. Babies carried in obese bodies are more likely to have a multitude of diseases that babies carried in healthy bodies wouldnt. Just a different perspective: instead of getting mad at your doctor why not try eating healthy, cutting all junk food, exercising, cutting all pop. You’re not just doing your baby a favor, you’re doing yourself a favor.

  34. Helen Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Uncalled for, Lala. How wonderful that your body reacts in a typical way to supposedly healthy foods. Unfortunately for some of us, even if we don’t eat junk food, walk around and exercise, eat fruits and veggies, and drink milk, and have never had pop still gain weight, or cannot lose weight in any recognizable way. Most babies delivered to obese mothers are quite healthy, and not all “healthy bodies” are in actuality healthy, and end up not having perfect babies either. Do yourself a favor and loosen up a little.

  35. milmomma Says:
    January 27th, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    That is nonsense. The military feels the need to impose their views on the entire world. I am seven months post-pregnancy, and the military has made me hate my body. I can pt with the best of them, and passed my pt test as well. I eat healthier than ninety percent of my shop. Either ignore that horrible woman who has obviously never struggled with his/her body, and find a new caregiver. You have a right to be treated with respect, especially since YOU did not make the commitment to stop eating and give your life to their cause, therefore, they need not be concerned with the way you LOOK. You are healthy and happy, and that is all your doctor needs to know. that’s nonsense.

  36. chelsealeigh Says:
    February 3rd, 2012 at 2:21 am

    girl ive been through the same thing except with me i lost 30 lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy then gained 87 lbs befor i got pregnant i was 152 and i was a size 7 i was perfectly happy there now my daughter is almost 2 and im still the same size as i was 2 weeks after having her i am not 227 lbs and a size 15 but idk as long as ur beautiful enough for someone to love and care for u then it shouldnt matter what anyone else thinks… i may be a big girl but i have more confidence in myself then a model.

  37. Kitty Says:
    July 13th, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Sweetheart, I know exactly what you were going through in your above writings. I too as a child had struggled, but because I was underweight. My mother must have thought I’d turn out to be anorexic or something of the sort. However, bad relationships over my time, and I now have had five wonderfully little darlings. My first son however, it turned out had Hydrocephalus, and I had to have an emergency C-Section to save him. And even though he fought for 22 months after he arrived into my life, he was needed by God as an angel. I do admit I still miss him to this very day. But I’m getting off topic. Point is, after having my five darlings, two botched epidural spinal blocks, and now having to spend anything up to 85% of my days in a wheelchair, (becos of said botched epidurals) I too have a stomach that really over-hangs and protrudes over my legs. But you know what? I don’t mind it one bit. Because to me, it is proof that I went through approximately 40 months (all five pregnancies totaled) of being pregnant and have my children as my greatest treasures. And if they still call me Mommy, and love me for who I am to them, then who else’s opinions matter but what you and your own children think of how and what you feel and look like.

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