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My Body the Hand Grenade (Suzi)

February 8, 2011

Age: 28
Number of pregnancies and births : 1
Age of my child : 14 months
Height and weight before pregnancy 1.60 cm tall & 49 kilos.
Weight after pregnancy: 45 kilos

I found out that I was pregnant in the beginning of Febuary in 2009. It came as a suprise to both me and my boyfriend but we decided to keep it since both of us took the stance that it was supposed to happen.
Being pregnant was never easy for me and I really loathed it. I think a big missconception about being pregnant is that it is something every single woman love and is emotionally and physically prepared for from the get go. Its just a thing that girls are born with. For me being pregnant was hard emotionally and I felt so horrible as a person that I wasnt one of those who loved it. Everyday of my pregnancy I struggle with my emotions . I felt really hideous eventhou I didnt gain alot of weight or got any stretch marks on my belly but the stretch marks on my hips (I’ve had them since I was 14 simply because I developed very fast during a period of two months) was itching like crazy and became red and irratated. All in all I gained about 9 kilos but it was hard on my body since Im not a big girl from the beginning.
My belly didnt grow big except for the two last months of the pregnancy and even then it was not considered big BIG. My mother in law even joked that baby must be hiding really far back clinging to my spine since I was still considered tiny for being 8 months pregnant :) . I gave birth to my beautiful son on October 19th. The delivery took three hours and went well. I dropped most of the gained weight during the delivery so I had about two or three kilos left to shed afterwards. However when I looked at myself and my body in the mirror I was completly shell shocked in a very negative way and Im still down that road. Somehow the pregnancy and the difficulties I had with the pregnancy plus being without emotional support gave me a very disturbed body image and triggered a massive amount of hatred against how I look. I am struggling every day with trying to see something beautiful with my body and my looks but Im drawing blank. I’ve never had any issues with that when I was younger , I had a very healthy and postive view on myself, but this is really getting to me. When I see my body I see so many flaws and imperfections and it doesnt matter how much Im working out I cant see any concrete results (which I guess is because I’ve been staring myself blind plus being so full of hate against my outer shell). One of my biggest fears is that I will never grow to love my body and that I will never feel like my own person again. My boyfriend , husband to be , loves my body and tells me every day that he thinks Im the worlds most beautiful girl and that he thinks my body is smoking. I so wish I could see myself through his eyes. My biggest fear is that I will never love my body or feel like my own person again.
I am so happy that I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful , smart and amazing little boy and a positive thing I’ve learned through the whole thing is , like the title of my story says, to never ever underestimate how powerful a womans body is.

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9 Responses to “My Body the Hand Grenade (Suzi)”

  1. Anonymous Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Your Fiance is right. You do have a SMOKING BODY! You don’t even look like you have had a baby. Believe your Fiance, he IS right. My wife’s body doesn’t even look close to yours and I LOVE HER and her body. This site has given me a unique point of view, the truth. My wife wants me tell you seeing her body will make you appreciate your body. You can find her story under the Twins category – “My Story Is Long (Anonymous)”

  2. Khanna Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Your body is smoking..I had twins(my post is on here) and I felt and feel the same way you do.. Never had a negative image of myself growing up thought my body was fine and pregnancy totally distorted that view.. But you’re smokin HOT!!! I have wrinkly skin and a deformed belly button and you have none of those!! I wish we could switch….:)

  3. Mrs.Petunia Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    You look very beautiful and shapely. I think your view of your body may be distorted. You don’t post any before pictures so it’s hard to compare, but I would imagine you don’t look much different as you pretty much look like you never had a baby. However, I am so sorry about the way you feel and the negative thoughts that are haunting you. It almost sounds to me like an obsessive hatred of yourself. You are strong and beautiful and smart and definitively don’t deserve to feel this awful.

  4. sia Says:
    February 8th, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Your body is amazing and im so jealous. Its funny how you said “i wish i could see myself through his eyes” thats the exact name of my post. actually i think its “why cant i see myself through his eyes” honestly I would die for your body. I was teeny before and now you couldnt even tell that was me. I am starting to love my body as each day goes on. But you are BEAUTIFUL and I would die to have your body. be glad!

  5. Mary V Says:
    February 9th, 2011 at 5:31 am

    You are beautiful! Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and just enjoy. We are our own worst critics, and your body looks stunning to me :)

  6. proudmama Says:
    February 9th, 2011 at 9:22 am

    I’m kinda speechless here. I’m trying really hard so see what you see, but it doesn’t even look like you had a baby. No stretch marks, no extra skins or wrinkles. Plus you’re very tiny, maybe even even too skinny. I’m the same height and I weight 15 kg more and I’m not big by any means.

    You say you see flaws and imperfections…Did you have body issues before? It just seems to me that your body image issues are more deeply rooted than just the pregnancy. I’m not trying to make light of your feelings, it sounds like they are genuine, but I would seek help if I were you. Your last paragraph makes it obvious that you know what an amazing thing your body did, but you just can’t seem to see what we see when we look at you.

    Btw, My Body The Hand Grenade is the name of my favorite Hole album, not sure if that’s what inspired you.:)

  7. Col Says:
    February 9th, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Whhaaatt… either those pictures are photoshopped or you are flawless. You don’t even look like you’ve been pregnant. I’m so confused. I hope you’ll see what we see.

  8. Ashley Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    jealous of you!! like ppl said previously u dont even look like you had a baby!! beautiful~

  9. Lia Says:
    February 14th, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    WOW! I’d kill for a body like that! You lucked out…. I’m down to my pre-baby weight and still have more flab and a thousand more stretch marks than you…. omg what i wouldn’t give to look in the mirror and see a body like yours! Perfect hourglass figure and flawless skin! And a beautiful baby to boot–lucky, lucky woman!

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