The Shape of a Mother

Age:24
#of preg/births:2
children:4, and almost 3

While stumbling upon this site I was actually surprised to find a LOT of moms like me who not only became young mothers but also a lot of mothers who struggled with eating disorders. I am one as well. I have had an eating disorder since I was 14. Looking back i despise my 14 year old self for putting those newly developed curves through what became and what still is a war between mind and body. I don’t ever remember loving my body, only despising it, this wanting needy creature. At my thinnest I was 89 lbs, at 5′4, not as thin as some, but enough to land me in an ED unit at a behavorial health facility. There positive body image reigned supreme…but was never enough to get through my tough skin. I became pregnant at 19, and it was so hard to accept my body’s changes so much that after my daughter was born (a healthy 7.6), I stopped eating normal altogether. I lost all the weight (I went from 105 to 134 in my pregnancy) and more. By the time my daughter was 8 months old I weighed 95 lbs. I was upset that I never documented her coming into the world with belly pictures but soon found myself to be expecting for the second time a month before her 1st birthday. Here was my chance to do it right. Boy did I. My son was born in the summer of 2006 at 9.10 lbs, and I have the stretch marks and bulge to prove it I also gained 70 lbs. I have tried vainly to get back to at least 110…but it is hopeless…I have once again put my body through the torture of dieting exercise, but with two children the weight did not come off this time. I have been stable at 135ish for over 2 years now, and while I still experience eating disordered habits and thoughts, I came out of this in mixed feelings. On the one hand I don’t care what my body looks like because it is what gave my two little ones life, and needs to be strong……but on the other hand it is a foreign object, not belonging to me and feel it is being judged by those around me. I know I am healthy looking, but need to get rid of these toxic thoughts…that if I am not 100 lbs or less or rail thin I am worthless. I am not there yet as a whole and one day hope I can find a good balance between healthy thinking and acceptance. I already found encouragement through your stories.