Births: Due February 17th 2012
OK, this is a long one, my apologies.
I first found out I was pregnant at the beginning of summer, I was 18 at the time. It was a complete shock and I was unbelievably scared. I felt like this wasn’t supposed to happen to me: I’m the youngest of four, had a terrible relationship with my Mom, had far too many self esteem and body issues, depression haunted me (still does). Felt like I could never tell my parents or family and I was incredibly selfish thinking “Why me?”
I told the guy I was seeing right away, he was just as shocked as I was. But he urged me to keep it. I was very undecided at the time, I mean who was I kidding? I only have my high school diploma, have no idea what I want to do with my life, barely have 3K saved up, was fighting with my Mom too much, had only been seeing this guy for 6 or so months, the list goes on and on.
I hate the idea of depending on others for things, I was raised differently. Gotta earn what you want kind of mentality, but my parents have done and are doing so so much for me, of which I am so grateful for. Anyways, I knew I would have to depend on, my now boyfriend, and/or my parents.
For some reason that petrified me.
When I first told my boyfriend that I was pregnant he was away for work (his job takes him away for 2 weeks or so at a time) he wanted to know if I was OK and what I was going to do. I didn’t have an answer for him for weeks even when he went with me to the Doctor’s to make sure and everything. He has honestly been amazing from day one, I am extremely fortunate.
He urged me to keep the baby even though I told him multiple times “I can’t do this”. He told me that if I thought I couldn’t do it that he would take the baby and raise it, just please let him know. I knew I had to but my mind was all over the place for so long.
I had thought to myself that the best solution would be to abort the baby- it was just way too much for me. I never thought I would be a Mom, nor did I want to be one to be completely honest. It really hurt my boyfriend when I told him this. I said I was going to call the clinics so I did and it made me feel 1000x’s worse. The websites said how understanding they were and how well cared for I would be, how compassionate they were, etc. Not the case- they were incredibly rude and made me feel like complete crap. I was even hung up on when I was asking questions. When I told my boyfriend about this-it enraged him. He thought it was completely ridiculous.
I’ve always been against abortion. When my Mom was pregnant with me Doctors told her that I was going to be mentally and physically disabled so she should just abort me. When I learned that I could only think of what was going through my Mom’s head- she is such a strong woman. I had also known how they perform abortions and the different types so when I started to think that that was the only option I was disgusted with myself. How selfish could I be?
And the fact that I have such a supportive boyfriend and family. That’s when I decided that I would keep it.
I managed to get through telling my family and all and same with his. I worked on my relationship with my parents and still am.
There have been multiple stresses in my life since then: work putting me on sick leave (only to go back 2 months later for 1 month), shady people in my life, people trying to break up my boyfriend and I, dealing with friends who have depression, my family having extreme health issues, etc. But it wasn’t anything that none of us couldn’t get through. I mean, there are so many more people with much, much worse situations. I have no room to complain.
My boyfriend bought a house and we moved in together, I felt like a complete mooch. This isn’t how I pictured any of this; I’m suppose to be independent not have to rely on him for so much. I help out as much as I can. But I feel like it isn’t enough.
And now that I am 36 weeks I am seeing more weight on the rest of my body and can see a few stretch marks starting to peek through. I hate it. Why is this happening again? I have always struggled with my weight and appearance. Having three older, skinnier sisters never helped. I constantly compared myself to them, still do.
When I hit puberty my legs were stretchmark city as well as a few on my sides and boobs. I would work out a lot and try to eat well. It would work sometimes and I would feel better for a little bit but then I would see skinnier people and hate myself and eat to feel better. Vicious cylce I am still going through.
I know that I should be happy with my body and proud that I am able to grow such a miracle in me. But I hate me.
Kick in the depression. I feel horrible about myself- like I’m not good enough for my boyfriend, like I am going to let down my baby and him and our families. I hate my body, I feel like no one could like my body or me. I just don’t want my baby to come into this world with me thinking that way.
I could go on forever about all this. But how can I feel better about myself for my baby, boyfriend and family’s sake?
It’s hard on all of them. None of them deserve this.