-4.5 months pregnant (closest I have to pre-pregnancy)
-last three are me at 7 months
Number of pregnancies: 1 (8 months along)
I couldn’t wait until after birth to post something because every time I come to this website I ache to share my own story. I’m not generally an insecure person; I don’t do my hair, wear make-up, or strive to be super-skinny (140 lbs, sz 9 prepregnancy). But I have tried so, so, so, SO hard to accept and love my breasts and continually find it impossible. I dealt with them all right before, but pregnancy has made it almost obsessive. At about 3 months it occurred to me what my post-breastfeeding boobs might look like, which began the inevitable downward spiral. Then, upon doing breastfeeding research I discovered that I might have a milder case of hyperplasia, or tubular breast deformity. Meaning they are underdeveloped, lacking “normal fullness” and breast tissue with the aboslute WORST part being that I might not be able to breast feed. Having my breasts officially labeled as “deformed” was too much for me to handle and then not being able to breastfeed.. as if it isn’t awful enough to have ugly breasts, but they don’t even WORK? It was all I could think about for a few days and it depressed me incredibly, to the point of me getting hysterical when a pair of nice breasts popped up in a movie that I was watching with my boyfriend. It made me feel horrible. My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years and I -know- he’s tired of hearing me complain, even though he always reassures me that he loves them. I just don’t see how he could ever be aroused by such a sad excuse for breasts. I tell myself that I wish I could love and be proud of them, but even then I think I would feel as if I’m lying to myself, I feel so justified in hating my breasts and that’s an awful feeling. Aesthetically, they’re just so ugly. Not round, not perky, not anything good, just ugly. I try to look here or on 007b.com to make myself feel better but to look at all the girls with beautiful breasts hating on themselves only makes me more sad. I try to look for support online for girls with this condition and all I can find are breast augmentation boards, which obviously makes me feel worse. I feel ugly and unfeminine, like I’ve been deprived a right as a woman, like my wonderful boyfriend deserves pretty breasts and mine are such a disappointment. I’m terrified of my post-pregnancy body and how I’ll handle it emotionally but I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. On the bright side, I have had an easy pregnancy so far and only gained 18 lbs, not counting 10 that I lost and re-gained because of awful morning sickness. I can’t wait to meet my precious baby girl and start a family with the love of my life, and I feel so selfish to be so worried about my body issues. But it’s such a deep-seeded horrible feeling, I feel like it will never go away. Some days are better than others, but then I see breasts on mannequins, in pregnancy books, or cleavage on other girls and I just get that useless “why-me” syndrome, it’s a vicious cycle. Hopefully having my baby can somehow change my view of my body and I hope to god that I am able to breastfeed. I very much look forward to posting post-pregnancy!