The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

Isabelle, I love you! (Anonymous)

January 16, 2013

Number of pregnancies 4 (2) miscarriages (2)abortions

Please don’t judge me I have made mistakes just as any human being in the world ! I am 22 years old I was 17 when I had my first pregnancy I lived with my bf we were both in nursing school in Mexico and very happy for the little boy that was coming I miscarried on my 18th birthday of may 2008 was 3 months. I was grieving so much that I wanted to replace that baby I got pregnant in august and in October that year I came back to los Angeles to have my baby here the doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat so they performed a d&e. I was deveatated and became greatly depressed . I started to just focused on my school and a few months later of the following year I started a relationship with my childhood neighbor we dated for 1 year and a half and that’s when I became pregnant again I was so happy I was finally gonna have a baby , unil I told him I was pregnant he changed completely …I found out he had cheated on me all along with 10 other girls and I had contracted chlamydia from him I was devestated once again he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and he wasn’t gonna help me that if I had the baby he was gonnamake my life miserable . I was petrified !! I cried everyday throughout my whole pregnancy I had no ones support my dad was against me having a baby at all at this young age . So I in January 2011 I was 17 weeks pregnant I had my first abortion. And I never saw him again ! I became even more depressed started drinking so much even started doing drugs . Later that year I started working in a convalescent home as a nurse assistant with the elderly and I found peace and happiness there I felt better being around them and taking care of them . In march 2012 I met what I believed was my soul mate . In April the following month I was pregnant again with a little girl that I named Isabelle I was extremely happy I would finally have a baby in my arms what I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother . The happiness didn’t last long me and isabelles father were living together …I found out he had been hiding from me that he was still legally married. I contacted the wife by looking through his phone and of course she said she too was pregnant . He changed completely with me I couldn’t trust him again everyday with him and his mother was a living hell for me . Arguing everyday until I couldn’t take it anymore I was 3 months pregnant when we got seperated . I felt lonely scared with no jib no one to help me but him but it was too late he said he didnt wanna be with me anymore he even started saying that my baby was not his it broke my heart . He prefered his family to our daughter and I . I begged him to work things out between us he said it was too late that he was going back to his wife . I was confused I felt betrayed I felt like trash I thought why bring this little girl into the world only to suffer how would I explain this to her when she got older ? So with my heart shattered into a million pieces I went to planned parenthood I was 20 weeks …it took me that long to decide if I wanted to do it or not. On Sept 5 of 2012 they stopped isabelles heart on Sep 6 they put me to sleep and took her out that day I felt like I died with her . I will never be the same again . I miss her so much . I regret so much I have nightmares about it.I cry everyday . I tried hurting my self . No one understands what I feel all this guilt I feel ! I would do anything to have her back in my belly kicking me waking me up at night’s . Her kicks were the most beautiful ..memorable moments of my life . I have started going to church I confessed and god knows I regret it . I only hope he grants me the wish of being a mother if not all I want is to be with isabellee and my other babies …what has happened to me is a living hell and I don’t wish it upon anyone . Thank u for reading .

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

27 Responses to “Isabelle, I love you! (Anonymous)”

  1. shannon Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 7:09 am

    It sounds like you are going through a lot. I know you are young, it seems like you are letting your “men” control you. You do not need a man in the picture to be a good mother. Sometimes children are better off not knowing their biological fathers.

  2. Natalie Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I’m not judging, I wish I can give you a huge hug and cry with you. What you went through is horrendous. You say you went to church, you confessed, that’s a right step towards healing. I know nothing will erase the memories of your kids. But you CAN start anew, meaning no sexual relations until marriage, this will spare you alot of new pain. And It is not the time to think what you should have done or could of done. Focus on what you can do, and that is start living a holy life, build a relationship with Jesus first. And when time is right you will be ready for a real, truly loving, life-long relationship with your husband.

  3. Miyo Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:25 am

    There isn’t anything I can say that is going to make this any easier for you. I am sorry that you have had such a rough time up until this point and I hope that in the future life goes much smoother for you. You deserve it to.

  4. JLF Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:29 am

    It sounds to me like you might benefit from talking to someone at Exhale, a national after-abortion support line.

    https://exhaleprovoice.org/after-abortion-talkline

    I’m so sorry for what you have been through in your life. I hope you can find some peace!

  5. Sarah Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:30 am

    What she said! My heart breaks for you, to carry so much pain and loss, but you are stronger and better than all of these circumstances. Don’t let other people dictate how you see yourself or what you are capable of, don’t let a relationship take your power. You are not alone, and you are worth EVERYTHING.

    I believe you will hold your babies again. This is not the end of your story. xxx

  6. Kara Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:30 am

    I am sorry for your pain. You deserve quality people around you! You are worthy and don’t need forgiving. God doesn’t judge you – she/he loves you right where you are. You Are Born To Do Great Things!

  7. Melissa Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Sweetheart- You are so loved. You made choices that you felt were the best for you and your little babies at the time. No one can fault you for that. If you do become a mother someday, you will be the best kind, the kind that loves with her whole heart because she knows the sacrifice and heartbreak of loss. You are so brave to write this and I hope you can find peace for yourself and your future family. Nothing can take the pain completely away, but please just know you are loved.

  8. Teresa Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Baby girl, my heart is breaking for you. There is someone out there who will love and cherish you. You won’t recognize him until you love and cherish yourself. Life is a journey, and there will always be these hard decisions to make. I don’t think you have made mistakes, you have made decisions, which were right for you at the time, and could be no other way. Even finding your mate, will not be the end of the journey; people change, life evolves, new challenges come up and you have to grow with them. Work on loving yourself, and growing loving relationships (not necessarily sexual ones but all relationships, you mentioned the deep satisfaction you received in caring for others) and it will come back to you tenfold.

  9. Jem Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I’ve been the betrayed wife. I lost my baby during the affair. The other woman claimed to have an abortion.

    Yet I can still feel sympathy for you.

    Please get therapy if you can. You keep picking unhealthy partners and counting on them to be fathers. As long as you keep doing that, any pregnancy you have you will be tempted to end.

    Please try to become a woman who is so comfortable with herself, inside and out, that you can avoid these abusive and using men. So that if you pick one, you’ haven’t made yourself such a part of him that you feel he has to be there in order for you to continue on your parenting path.

    I hope your church has shown you how much God loves you still. I have a friend who has taken her abortion experience and used it to speak out. It has empowered her. I hope that giving a voice to Isabelle brings you peace too.

  10. angela Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 10:42 am

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  11. Betty Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 11:03 am

    More of us understand than you can probably imagine. Much love to you.

  12. Jess Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Honey, you do not need a man to be a mother. Please, find someone to talk to about this. Spend some time to work on yourself, to empower yourself, to love and forgive yourself. And don’t count on a man to give you value, find your own self-worth. <3 I sincerely hope that the next man you love, who gives you a child, steps up to the plate and is the best, most supportive father/partner ever, but I also sincerely hope that how he treats you doesn't matter, and that you are confident enough in yourself to say, "screw him. I can do this myself and I will be awesome!" I just want to hug you, sweetie. I can't even imagine your pain, or your losses. God bless you. <3

  13. Kris Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 11:18 am

    I don’t have much to say. Your story is heartbreaking and I hope you can find peace and hold your baby in your arms someday. I’ll pray for you. Hang in there.

  14. Luna Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 11:53 am

    (sorry if I make dreadful grammar mistakes, English is not my mother tongue)

    I cannot compare my story to yours, since each person experiences the world in a particular way, shaped by our circumstances and ways of being.

    However, I can tell you that I had a miscarriage and an abortion a long time ago. Right now, while I write to you, my beautiful daughter is playing next to me…

    I know you can’t see it right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your wounds will heal and you will find peace and forgiveness. Your guilt will become knowledge. Rather than feeling so bad about you as you do right now, you will find yourself as a stronger, wiser woman.

    I strongly believe you would benefit from counseling. I looked for help with a therapist that works with women who have had abortions. As such, she also had the proper sensitivity to deal with the topic of miscarriage. It took me one year and it was hard work, but it was totally worth it. I was able to find peace, forgive me for the part I was responsible for and understand the parts that were not my fault. I was able to grieve, to heal and to reinvent my self.

    I do not judge you, I only send you a lot of love and if you feel like getting in touch with me I’m sure the administrator of the webpage can provide my email.

    Be kind to yourself.

    Big hugs

  15. JackieJ Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Sweetheart, you have experienced so much pain and heartbreak. I cannot imagine what you’re going through right now, but I wish you peace and happiness in your future.

    Please, take the time you need to grieve for your Isabelle. Somehow, she knows that you love her and that you will never forget her; I can only hope that you will forgive yourself and find a way to make a happy, healthy life for yourself and for the children you may have in the future. As you said, everyone makes mistakes and you were confused, frightened, and felt all alone, so no one can blame you for what you did; it may have been the best thing to do at the time.

    Please take the time to seek the help of a counselor who you can talk to—perhaps the people at Planned Parenthood can refer you to one—and focus on yourself. Keep working at your job, which seems to fulfill you, and just focus on making the life you want for yourself. You are young and you have plenty of time to find someone to settle down with and have a family, so please don’t rush.

    Don’t date at all for a year and don’t make any other drastic decisions for at least a year, because you need to grieve and begin to heal from the loss of Isabelle. Be patient and kind to yourself, as you would to someone you love, and know that you are loved, too.

    You’ll be in my thoughts. I hope in six months or a year we’ll read another post from you and you’ll be able to say you’re doing better, have found peace with the choices you’ve made, and are continuing to do good things with your life. I know you can.

  16. Crystal Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Thank you for sharing.I don’t know why you have such bad luck with men. Maybe you can adopt or try out fostering, there are so many children who could use your love.

  17. danielle Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    You are not alone. ? I wish you peace

  18. aidan niladan Says:
    January 16th, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    i am sorry for your pain i did not appreciate when i was pregnant i was pregnant at 18 yes i was married but i did not love being pregnant and i am sorry now that my daughter i sick i cry all the time i hope that one you will be able to keep your next baby and love it with all your being and don’t care what anybody will say about be strong and don’t give up.

  19. Stephanie Says:
    January 17th, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    My heart breaks for you. Please know that God loves you no matter the choices you’ve made. Those babies are in heaven and you are a mama. Allow yourself to grieve. God does not want that shame to identify you. We have ALL made mistakes and all sin is counted equal so none of us has the right to judge your heart. I so wish I could give you a hug. Abortion is not a cut and dry issue. I am so proud of you for telling your story. I pray it will help other women to be honest with themselves and others. No matter where I stand on the issue, you are a person. You are a mom. You are hurting. And I hurt with you. I am so sorry.

  20. Hannah Says:
    January 17th, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    My heart just breaks for you as I read your story. I am so, so sorry for the pain you are in. All I can say is, stay brave. Don’t feel like you need to get involved with men. Focus on your life right now. Pray that God gives you peace. He heals the brokenhearted. Someday, He may lead you to the right man, who will cherish you and want to have a family with you, but for now, try to find counselling and let God’s grace pour into your heart.

  21. Monica P Says:
    January 20th, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Hey sis, I am sorry for your losses and your pain, both of partners and of your angels. God is not here to judge you, and neither am I. I pray that you will be able to be a mother one day when your heart and mind are strong, healthy, and supported fully. You WILL continue on in life, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Promise to keep going, for your future family. I’m sorry, feeling love for you sister!

  22. Lauren Says:
    January 27th, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    You are brave to be so honest here – you have struggled through great heartbreak and difficulty! God loves you and knows every bump on the road that you have faced, every heartache, every circumstance that influenced your choices. He wants to make things better for you (and it sounds like you are already searching for Him and finding Him). SO MANY WOMEN feel JUST like you do (nightmares, guilt, regret) after their abortions. You feel like its your only choice but it doesn’t offer the peace and freedom you thought it would. These women have healed, forgiven themselves, found God’s forgiveness, grieved their lost children and given them names (as you have). I would LOVE for you to check out some resources at http://www.hopeafterabortion.org – Project Rachel – meant for women (and men too) in just your situation. (Sometimes fathers are deeply affected by children lost to abortion – though they are in a difference position, it affects them too.) You can also call them at 1-800-5WECARE. Read the section called “Your Letters to Us” – women share their stories about abortion and pain and a kind counselor responds. You will feel better – reach out to them as you have reached out here. You feel isolated and alone but KNOW without a DOUBT that there are caring people who WANT to walk you through this journey. You will be ok – you can heal – you will get through this – Jeremish 29:11 – God will do beautiful things in your soul. You are greatly LOVED – by God, by your daughter who is with Him in Heaven who you’ll get to meet someday, and by your sisters and brothers in Christ who love you because you are God’s child. Take the first step by taking care to get the help you need – do it for Isabelle who loves you too and for yourself, you have a lot of life ahead of you! God bless you, angels be with you.

  23. hilary Says:
    January 29th, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I just wanted to echo the comments above about your bravery in sharing your story. From what I have read on this blog, it is supportive and non-judgmental. I wish the best for you- comfort, peace, and healing.

  24. Keri Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    There’s no shame in abortion. I am not sure if abortion was the best choice for you, but I respect your right to choose what happens with your reproductive life. You don’t need to feel guilty or any regret. If what you did was the best decision for you, at the time, then you did the right thing. If you don’t think you could handle abortion, maybe it would be better for you to consider other options in the future. You are valuable and important. There is no need to be defensive about taking control of your life. It’s better for you and your children for you to be psychologically healthy and in a safe environment when you have them. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for empowering yourself and making the best decisions for your life. <3

  25. Susy Says:
    February 27th, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Please know that if you have asked the Lord for forgiveness, He HAS forgiven you. Leave your cares with him. Forgive yourself because He has first.

  26. emily Says:
    May 2nd, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    I have had the same fate my dear friend only worse I also had to deal with physical and sexual abusenot only from men i hoped would be my evrything but also my family this world is a cruel cruel place for alot of us suffering in silence I had even more than that happen to me i’m lucky to even be alive today i was almost killed 3 or so times by my family and once narrowly escaped death from a man i loved yes that’s right my own family the only ones i thought i could trust and my lover ive been on my own ever since at the age of 14 and i can tell you this nothing is easy but you will be a force to be reconed with the more you make it through these seemingly impssible obsticles and i too had two babies gone i regret now more than anything but if i had kept them they probably would have been abused and or even worse killed my hear also is with them and always will be and the creator or god knows your heart this happened here in a tiny town in northern new england so it can happen anywhere and you are not alone i am with you and you will heal it will be slow sweetie i know its slow for me too but it will happen don’t let anyone stop you now though you have come too far and gone through too much as have i we can do this! and we will. much love and know you are truly understood by someone even if far away. never give up never give in!

  27. sian Says:
    October 17th, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    you have made my soul and i cry I was always against abortions but you have changed that completely I could feel your heart ache threw your words and it broke mine u r a very strong woman. the souls of those children WILL come back to you! they are just waiting for the right body and right time everything happens for a reason. its completely unselfish to want to bring a baby into a stable happy family. I had my first when I was 17 a very tough period in my life my partner slept with someone else while I was pregnant so I know how u feel potrayed and disgusting. I have also lost a daughter threw a miscarriage no one knows the pain from loosing a child unless its happened to them no one should judge u, u r very strong and I am proud of you,so is god

Comments


Support This Site