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Is She an Angel (Anonymous)

February 6, 2012

I’m 22 years old and I’ve had a rough couple of years with love, I started dating this guy and he wasn’t exactly treating me the best, I knew I deserved better but didn’t have the self respect to care. After four months of dating him, we found out we were pregnant, when I told him it was a yes the first the he said was “now your stuck with me forever” not exactly the kind of thing you want to here from your partner when your expecting. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, I love children and have wanted them my entire life, but the situation I was in was not ideal for me or the baby. We stayed together and I continued to let him treat me with disrespect and not plan for the future with our new baby, but I thought a child needs their mom and their dad, where my parents had split up I didn’t want that for my children. We went on to find out it was a little girl, my moms fourth granddaughter, you can say my nieces who are 4, 6, 8 were all over the moon with excitement for their new addition to the bunch. After about another month of continuous stress from my partner I decided that I needed to be as healthy as I could for her and to cut out all of the stresses and decide to better mine and hers life. I left my boyfriend and found that after the stress was gone I could focus more positive energy on her, we decided to name her Chloe. As soon as I found out she was a girl I knew her name was Chloe, it was just in my mind from the start. I spent the next 4 months painting her room pink, setting up her crib, putting away her clothes and buying her new curtains for her nursery, I swam every week and she loved it I would feel her kick and move, I bought giant headphones for my belly and would play her music, country which is my favourite, or classical because I heard it helps the brain develop. I began to feel this joy for my baby girl as she grew and filled my tummy with love, everything was going so well, my friends threw me a shower as well as my family. There was soo much stuff for Chloe her room was overflowing with things, she was the most anticipated baby ever, so it was getting down to the wire, one week left, 5 days, 4 days. After 3 days of being overdue I felt this weird pressure but after calling the hospital and going through the checklist they said I was fine and not to worry, when I woke up in the morning my whole life changed. I hadn’t felt Chloe move for at least 3 hours and realized this wasn’t like her, I started to get really worried, I went up to the hospital where they asked me to get up on the bed and lay back while they check her heart beat, standard procedure. After about a half an hour of searching the tears were streaming down my face as the nurses told me not to panic they called in an ultrasound tech to come check for her heartbeat, I closed my eyes and prayed to god as they checked…and checked…and checked. Complete silence in the room of 6 doctors and one of my best friends I knew she was gone, as I felt the words coming out of my mouth, and heard the answer from the doctor “im sorry hunny she is gone” After calling my family and friends I got into bed in the room, and for two days I stayed there waiting to deliver her, finally she came, the most beautiful precious girl I have ever seen, she was 9 lbs 10 oz and 22 inches long, she was huge and I felt proud that I had nourished her, I felt as though even though she was gone, I did all I could to care for my baby. We baptized her and spent time holding her and kissing her cheeks and saying our goodbyes to our precious Chloe we had all been waiting to met. I felt all of my dreams and hopes and my heart completely breaking into a million pieces, everything I had worked so hard for and changed so much about myself for was just gone. Its been a week and 4 days since she has been gone, it feels like a lifetime, I miss her every single moment, I catch myself feeling my tummy for her, or thinking I cant drink that or I shouldnt eat this its not good for Chloe. My daughter changed my entire life without even being here in front of me, she taught me to love myself, to take care of myself and to know that their is love much greater than any other love alive, and that is the love a parent has for his/her child. mabye God sent Chloe to me to help me get through this point in my life, to give me something to look forward to, to be a good person. Now all I think about is the day I get to see Chloe in heaven and I’ll do everything to make her proud of me, I have a guardian angel watching over me, for the rest of my life. At the funeral a few people had pointed out to me that her photo looked like there was a halo and wings, so was Chloe an angel sent by God to spread love and inspire me and everyone else to never take one breathe for granted, either way my daughter is the most special thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never ever forget her.

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11 Responses to “Is She an Angel (Anonymous)”

  1. Ashley Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I cannot imagine the searing pain and utter loss you feel, so I will not offer any upbeat words of encouragement. I am tremendously sorry. You will be in my thoughts, lady.

  2. Renee Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Your story is beautiful and heartbreaking. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my second and cannot imagine the pain you’re going through after carrying your baby girl for so long! Hugs to you and your family <3

  3. catherine Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    so sorry you had to go through all of that, but you will see her again one day. xx

  4. Melissa Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    It sounds like she was perfect, maybe too perfect for this life and I am glad you know she is your guardian angel and she will always be there. Stay strong. <3

  5. Fahay Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    I feel for you sweetheart. All my thoughts are with you, life can be so unfair and I’m sure little Chloe will be missed for a lifetime. I’m sending all my prayers to you through this particularly hard time, I’m sure your little angel will watch over you from where she is. I hope you are surrounded by a lot of love. Take care of you, don’t let yourself down, make her proud of you :)

  6. sarabelle Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    I am so sorry. Everything happens for a reason. I wish u the best and am greatful for u sharing ur story.

  7. Bella Says:
    February 7th, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Thank you so much for sharing, tears are running down my cheeks because you`re writing is filled with so much love. Hugs to you.

  8. a fellow babyloss momma Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    My heart goes out to you. My prayers will be with you and your family. I’m truly sorry for your loss. I too lost my daughter at full term. I know how much you must be hurting right now. Right after I lost my daughter and started a blog dedicated to her My sister had commented saying wise words often times come from the most broken of hearts. Here as I read your story about your Chloe I understand what she meant even more. It is beautiful that you have been able to find a way to not only mourn the loss of your daughter but to celebrate her life. It took me a long time to realize that myself. when you feel up to it I suggest going online there is so much support out there. Not only that but there are so many other people who do amazing things to help you do things in your daughters memories. Be Strong Momma!

  9. shannon Says:
    February 10th, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. My son passed away almost 4 years ago…he was 19 months old. There is a website called compassionatefriends.org. If you go under “find support” and then “online support” they have a chat room just for Moms like us. It is called “pregnancy/infant loss”. It is a great place to just chat with other moms going through this. In case you are interested it is open every Sunday night from 9-11.

    I wish you the best of luck…and you will ALWAYS be her Mommy!

  10. februarymama Says:
    February 11th, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    My heart breaks for you. I can empathize with the searing pain of losing your child. My son was stillborn at full term also. That was 3 years ago and his life still impacts me everyday in the way I do things and how I view things. What a profoundly positive impact your little girl has had on your life! Take that and run with it. Be the person she would have wanted you to be. Live your life as a tribute to her memory and continue to better yourself the way you have been. You have an amazing and mature outlook on your grief for having lost her so recently. You are a strong woman, you will come through her loss even stronger. My thoughts are with you.

  11. Julie Says:
    February 16th, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    I feel for you as I read this. I also lost my baby boy last week. He was only 3 months old. He was born with a heart defect, but even the doctors were unaware that it was as bad as it was. My heart hurts every minute of every day. Its only been 8 days, but I don’t know how I am supposed to get through this. Everything in my house reminds me of him. I find myself just sitting in his room and crying. I ask myself everyday why me and what did I ever do to deserve this. You, like me will somehow get through this. I think it will get easier with time, but right now my heart is broken in a million pieces.

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