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In my golden days – a butter face at best. (Anonymous)

August 22, 2012

I’m 21 years old, I have two kids. One just turned 2years old, while the other just turned 8months a few days ago. Both natural births, pretty much perfect the only good thing. I was only actually pushing for 10 minutes with the first baby and 5minutes with second baby, my labors were a breeze. I’m so lucky in that sense. I’m 8months post partum. I had them very close together. I never got the chance to really get back into shape when I became pregnant with my second child. I was down to a normal weight from breastfeeding, but I never really got the chance to work out and really tone myself up. I had known my husband for all my life.He knew me when I was still very much in shape. He’s told me how he was intimidated by my abs, and how fit and good looking I was,(I danced and played softball [catcher]) and how doughy I am now. I’ve always struggled with body image. I have always been a inwardly materialistic person. I don’t judge others, when I see others I think everyone is beautiful, but when I look in the mirror, at myself, I see the one person in the world that’s Ugly, most likely Inside* and Out*. My husband one time told me that people have told him I was* a butter face (everything’s good but her face) But now I wouldn’t even be considered that really. But in my “golden” days At least I had a body to speak of.

My life is pretty messy right now. I’m getting a divorce. He could claim that flirting with girls, telling them “If I wasn’t married I’d come save you” and emailing himself nude photos of these girl so he could keep them but delete them from his phone (hiding it from me) was acceptable. I Never confronted him about the photos ever. I knew what his response was.

He’s always wondered why I have body issues telling me “I love you darling, and you are perfect to me, that’s what matters, I find you sexy” But a lot of the burden of my issues became magnified 3 weeks after I had my first child, I found saved pictures of a girl he dates (a woman who shared my name) in her sexy halloween costume (it wasn’t even August yet….) and of her doing her “pole dance” routines. She has a wonderful body. I couldn’t help but think “this is the girl he wants”

He never really helped me with the kids, and I’ve always picked up the slack, I never got ME time. I never shopped for myself. I gave everything and received nothing, and to me this was normal, and not toxic, to me I still see it as acceptable behavior.

I was texting a co worker- a male. He sent me a photo of himself with his ‘hair’ cut; it was provocative, but unprovoked (unlike my husbands female counterparts where he’s asked for them) He found it, I left my phone in the car with him, cause in my eyes I had nothing to hide, he got the text.

This to my husband WAS cheating. in HIS HEAD i was a whore, who had sex with this man and did terrible things. He berated me in front of his family brought them all in, people I loved as much as my mom and dad. People who treated me like family and he painted me this snake, something awful. I was shamed in front of people I loved dearly for something that wasn’t my fault. Maybe talking to this man was a bad idea, but much of the time I was talking about my issues with food, how I had been restricting my diet, how my felt about my mother in law who to me is my MOMMY was dying of cancer, how I didn’t know how I could handle her death. how I didn’t know how to handle Sergio’s reaction. How what he’s done hurt me. This man listened, unlike my Husband. And he would try to flirt but i ALWAYS drew a line telling him “I’m a married woman and in no way will I betray my Husband ” He sent the photo and in the end I took responsibility for it, to me my actions were still inappropriate and I am not excused.

But never were his, but he felt they were.And to me – that was enough.

My husband was my first love, first kiss, and he took my virginity. I believed all his words.

We are now separating and divorcing – he’s been dirty and so completely opposite of what I thought I married – he’s been a monster. He kept me from my kids for a month with bogus protective orders and played the court like a toy. (they didn’t appreciate it in the end and i now have my kids)

I didn’t eat much this entire month, I honestly can’t recall eating anything. I must have though otherwise I would have passed out – I nearly did in court.

I missed my oldest sons 2 year birthday. It killed me, I still cry about it sometimes.

I drank water hoping to drown myself. My only thoughts were “Soon this will be over and I’ll have my kids i can only speak the truth and the truth will guide me to my children (it did) And in this moment I can’t bare to eat is a moment I can have my body back – I’ll be skinny soon enough”

I have terrible wrinkles from where I guess my skin stretched and jammed together like a spring set loose. I have two belly buttons it weight. dragging down. I want it gone.

I still can’t eat much, my body has gotten used to such a small amount of food that it sickens me to eat, and when I do I feel disgusting. I just want to be the size i was when I started to date Him.

16 – maybe it will be a reset button. I don’t do it for other men – I don;t think any man will accept me with two children. At least not in the town I’m in, but this place is all I know. My life is pretty much over but at least I can be happy with my body. And make my children’s joyous and fulfilling. for me though all i Want is to look in the mirror and say “wow flat stomach skinny waist beautiful collar bone, gorgeous legs, and a cute butt”

I reached 150lbs with my first pregnancy, dropped to 135 Until I got pregnant again and reached 155 lbs with my second.

I am now 120lbs, But my stomach is still there. I want to get down to 100. I’m doing INSANITY. even with my minute diet. I wake up feeling smaller, But i fear its all in my head and i’m diluting myself

I’m afraid I’ll never get rid of this saggy wrinkly thing. I’ll always have a “w” and a double belly button. that when I’m laying on my side this GROWTH will roll over lazily like jabba the hut.

I feel like even if I don’t seem like a terrible person with my story – I know I am a terrible person in some way. I know I am. I’m not good enough for anyone. Inside or Out. I read some of these entries and cry wishing i could be half the woman these gals are. But I have these two amazing boys, my only blessing. My only gift. The only thing that makes my heart worth beating.

And people tell me to be proud of my belly cause they were the result – but I see them, and they are in my heart. I don’t need this belly I don’t have to be proud of this belly.

For me I see this belly as a curse, maybe if i was a better person god, the cosmos, whatever would have blessed me with the ability to be skinny.
That my life would have fallen like puzzle pieces instead of shattering like glass.

I have to rebuild everything that I worked so hard to gain – and in the end I feel like “what if I really am just a worthless weight, and this belly is just showing me how true it is”

thank you for this website it’s an inspiration and this has been a great outlet.

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29 Responses to “In my golden days – a butter face at best. (Anonymous)”

  1. Natalie Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 6:56 am

    First – you are NOT a butter face. It sounds like your ex was playing mind games long ago!

    Second – eat – eat well – things that are good for, you that will make your body strong and help build muscle…

    Third – I promise, that your weight/stomach (or lack there of) didn’t cause the bad situations in your life. I hope time will show you that your ex and his issues caused this and it had nothing to do with the way you look.

  2. Amaris Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Wow, okay when I read that you said you were a butterface I was expecting something entirely different than what I see. You are beautiful. Your ex is a stupid man. Now that I’m writing this it feels like I sound so generic but you have no idea just how empty and worthless your ex really is. YOU are worth everything. Your tummy doesn’t look bad at all. In time you will find a good man. I have never been pregnant, but at the same time I don’t have the best body in the world. I have stretchmarks all over my stomach from weightgain a few years back. They are very faded and not noticeable but I feel badly about them because I didn’t earn them. I carry some extra weight. I don’t have a bikini body yet I am still happy because I love myself and I think I am beautiful. Good things will come your way if you love yourself!

  3. Stacia Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I dont think you really did anything wrong, your husband cheated emotionly on you and because he was not there to listen and care for you when you were the most vulnerable, you found someone who would listen. No one can blame you for that. In the end you have to amazing gifts that will unconditionally love you for the rest of your life. You look amazing better than i do and i had one child. If you feel beautiful inside you will radiate that beauty outside and that becomes contagious. Being skinny doesnt always equal beauty, confidence does. Chin up sweetheart there are bigger fishes in the sea and one day prince charming will swoop in and all this will be a distant memory. :)

  4. WW Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    You are beautiful!!! You have a beautiful face and a beautiful body. OMG sweety. I feel your pain because I have gone and still do go through the same thing. I have to remind myself every stinking day how pretty I am. When I look in a mirror, I see a monster but I know what I am seeing is not what everyone else sees.
    You are so pretty. Please do not abuse yourself anymore. This guy is an ass. HE is the one with the problem and the only reason he told you that was to make you feel the way you do now. That you are not good enough. Thats his way of keeping you down. You are good enough. I have gone through that with a man too. He told me how much he loved me and how sexy I was yet he thought it was ok to play around too. Yet when I gave him a small taste of his own medicine he couldn’t handle it. These guys are the ones with the issues.
    Take care of yourself and your babies and things will fall into place. In time, you will be glad you saw his true colors now instead of later.

  5. Meg Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    I’ve never commented on a post before (even though I check the page daily), but I couldn’t resist for your post. You are far from a butter face. You are gorgeous, and if I didn’t honestly think it I wouldn’t have said it! You look like a supermodel in comparison to me. I feel horrible that your husband was obviously trying to lower your self esteem! Probably so you would think someone as low and self centered as he sounds is someone you deserve. Move forward with confidence – not only in yourself and your appearance but confident that there are men that are nothing like the man you were married to. I would bet with some weight training you could fix any problem you think you have with your stomach. Best of luck to you.

  6. mrspetunia Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    You are beautiful (both inside and out)! I am suspecting that you will read these comments and feel much better about yourself… for a while. And then, then that old nasty inner voice will start to chatter again and think up ways to make you feel like shit all over (yeah, I too have to battle that voice). It might start to suggest that you didn’t tell us everything, and that if we really knew the WHOLE truth we wouldn’t be so nice. Or it might tell you that your picture didn’t really show everything bad, and that if it did we wouldn’t really think you looked that good. Or it might think up a million other ways to undermine our comments and make them seem phony or false and you would be back at square one. Do NOT listen to this voice. It is the phony false one! There is nothing you could say, no truth you could reveal, and no picture you could post that would make you worthless. You are worthwhile and a GOOD person. I hope you can find your way to believe that and keep on believing it!

  7. Deanne Says:
    August 22nd, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    I am struck by how beautiful your face is. Just naturally amazing- so strikingly gorgeous. I think your husband had some incredible control and jealousy issues and never wanted you to realize how incredibly pretty you really are.

  8. Kerry Says:
    August 23rd, 2012 at 5:40 am

    You are beautiful! Eat more and eat well, your body needs energy and you need to be healthy for your little guys. Please do not aim to lose 20lbs! You look perfect! I know what all your insecurities feel like, I can relate. It gets better, it gets sooo much better :) I was in your shoes a year ago, and I can honestly look in the mirror now (being away from that toxic situation) and say to myself “you really are pretty”, I still have my off days, but I used to think I was the ugliest person on the face of the earth. I promise you you will say this to yourself soon enough. Keep your chin up and lean on God, no matter how big the struggles seem he will always be there to guide us and not let us go under. I hope you email me webb.kerry@gmail.com I’d really like to be an encouragement to you. :)

  9. izzy Says:
    August 23rd, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Wow! Your words and story had me picture someone completely different than what I see here..YOU ARE BY FAR a butterface!! Your ex husband is clearly delusional! Your so beautiful ..I hope with time you come to understand, your way to pretty to be self loathing. Find peace with your body, it may not be what it once was, but it gave you two beautiful reasons to live for.

  10. MJ Says:
    August 23rd, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Wow your better off without him for sure… Youre a beautiful & sexy woman and mom!

  11. Tracy Says:
    August 23rd, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    A good person would admit when they have done something wrong. A good person would tell the truth and keep their kid(S) in their heart while fighting accusations and rumors. I wish you wouldn`t starve yourself, its not healthy nor is it going to give you the stomache you once had. If you can`t do it for yourself right now do it for your kids. Go to counselling, start taking care of yourself and hopefully one day you will start doing it for yourself as well. I think you have a nice body, beautiful face and you sound like a good person. I haven’t been in your situation with the hubby or anything but I do have issues with PPD and self esteem issues so I do know its hard, I still hate my body and think I’m a bad person (especially for things I felt during PPD). But my kids are healthy, clean (for a kid,lol)and happy. My husband comes home everynight and tells me he loves me everyday. I just have to believe that with help from the people around me, my therapist, and prozac to get me through one day maybe I will if not love, like myself and be doing it not just for my kids and husband but for me as well.

  12. Tracy Says:
    August 23rd, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    BTW I think you would look sick at 100lbs you look good the way you are :) just worry about getting healthy.

  13. Lama Says:
    August 24th, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Wow, what a beautiful girl: your face, your hair, your figure – everything! Can’t believe you could believe his silly “butterface” thing!

  14. chante Says:
    August 24th, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Honey my first thought when I saw your face was beautiful. Your better off without him and starting to eat again is a tough road I have been there. It gets better, your stomach will get smaller you just have to tighten the muscle a lot of woman think its just fat and focus on the weight but your muscles have been stretched out twice so its work to fix.

  15. marika Says:
    August 26th, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I showed your photo to my husband. He don´t understant, why your husbant told you, that you are butter face. My husbant think that you are really beautiful! I think that too!!

  16. Nikki Says:
    August 26th, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I am sorry to just come out and say this, but you need to go to counseling. You obviously have issues with your self-worth, and that has been there a long time, and your marriage magnified it.
    Why do you need someone to be with you? You don’t need anyone. Put dating on the back burner. You have to be healthy for your boys. This includes mentally, physically, & emotionally. Start eating better. If you had a daughter, she would pick up on your issues & adopt them as her own, but instead you have boys, and they will judge women as harshly as you judge yourself.
    You are not unattractive in any way. You look great. Our bodies have changed after pregnancy, and often they never look the same. It is a sad truth, and we constantly have these images of celebrities looking insta-perfect post-baby. That is not reality. I can say that your body looks far better than mine. But I know that nothing I can say will change the way you look at yourself. Only time along with therapy can do that.
    I really hope that you can recover. You can choose to strive for happiness, or to be unhappy and focus on every “imperfection.”

  17. Shan Says:
    August 27th, 2012 at 11:30 am

    So I am an avid reader of SOAM, but this is the first time I have ever commented. Your story has touched me, maybe because I also have a similar story? I hope to one day share my story as well, but for now, I just want to let you know how I feel.
    Your ex was insecure, deep inside. That is why he had to belittle you by saying things like people said you are a butter face and how doughy you are now. THOSE ARE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SAY TO A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, and I don’t care what the excuse was, he has no logical explanation. There is never any reason to say any of those things, if anything, he should have been the one encouraging you, instead of saying you are doughy, to suggest a gym date together. I can only see your picture that you have posted, so I have no idea what you looked like before, but all I know is, you look amazing! Extra “loose” skin is very common after having children, and the best remedy is exercise and strength building core exercises. I can’t tell you what to do, but I do recommend eating. I know it’s extremely hard, because I have been there too. BUT you must take in calories in order to burn fat and have energy to take care of your babies! You can eat healthy and clean, and not put on any weight that way, but it will definitely make you feel better. Starving yourself is most definitely rough on one’s body.
    I know that it doesn’t seem like it now, and it has to be extremely difficult for you, because your ex was your first everything. But there are amazing men out there who will completely accept you for who you are and with two children. This I know, because I have found one. I am not saying you should look for a man right now, because that is far from what I mean. I just want you to know, if a happy family is what you want one day, don’t give up hope. There is hope for EVERYTHING in this world.
    I don’t think you are a terrible person, inside or out. Actually from reading this post, I think you are an amazing person inside and beautiful outside, who just needs someone to vent to. Maybe counseling would be helpful? To have someone listen to you and give advice, without any ounce of judgement. To me, this is the best thing. No one can truly understand, until they have walked in your shoes, so ultimately the decision is up to you.
    I hope you are able to find true happiness and peace within yourself, and keep smiling because you have two amazing children who will always think the world of you :)

  18. Karla Says:
    August 27th, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    My first thougth when I saw you was “she looks like a model!”
    You cant have control over the circumstances, but you always can control what you believe about yourself. If you believe what you are sharing in this website, these thoughts will destroy you unless you stop knocking yourself down. It is enough what others have done to you. Please, dont do that to yourself. I hope that you will seek for help.

  19. Sara Says:
    August 27th, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    Wow! Your picture is not what I expected. You have a beautiful face and body. Please believe this because it is the truth!

  20. Heather Says:
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:33 am

    My, you are beautiful, your husband is an ass, give yourself 2 years, your life will be completely changed.. i am 51 and i’ve had 5 kids,, but i had my first when i was 19,, my stretchmarks were way worse than yours and i have had 2 men love me since then that really didn’t care or make me feel bad about them once.. you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful face (believe it), much love and healing light to you xo

  21. Jordan Says:
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    This made me want to cry. All I have to say is your ex-husband is an asshole & you are gorgeous. You are not a “butter face”. You deserve better. Take care of yourself, hun.

  22. anne Says:
    September 4th, 2012 at 3:08 am

    This is just so terrible. As many others said, I really expected to see something else in the picture. You still look like a child, very sweet, fragile,but in the same time beautiful and pure. He didn´t stop loving because of the way you look, but because he never really loved you in a true way. You have already 2 kids at such an young age, and this is a proof of the power that´s IN YOU. Give yourself time to heal from these wounds and concentrate on yourself, on your children and the positive things that are in your life.
    Try not to eat little, but dramatically change your lifestyle, eating large amounts of fruits and vegetables, and healthy foods, generally. Don`´t deprive your body from the nutrients that it needs. Drink plenty of water and fresh squeezed juices, try practising a sport that you like, read books that can help you.

    You CAN live without this man, and you may be even happier if you propose yourself to! Never lose hope!

  23. jennifer Says:
    September 4th, 2012 at 11:45 am

    You look great! your so far from being a “butterface”, it takes a cruel person to even say that to such a beautiful person! and you look awesome!! You will find some one to love you and your children.. your ex wasnt worth the time in the world..

  24. Sarah Says:
    September 12th, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    You are beautiful. Just absolutely beautiful. Your face is naturally sculpted and your features are striking.

    You will find love again, with yourself, and when you’re ready, with a much bigger and better man than your husband ever was–it sounds to me like he was an emotionally abusive, manipulative misogynist. You are so better off without him.

    As other commenters said, your sons will grow up looking to their mom to learn what women are all about, and how they are to be treated. Teach them that we are strong, beautiful, capable creatures, and that we are to be valued and held close to their hearts.

    Best of luck, mama. It will get better, you are on your way to happiness now!

  25. Kat Says:
    September 17th, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Do not worry, it gets better. I have been there. Everything seems hopeless and you feel worthless, depressed and helpless, but I promise you that there are better things and better people coming your way. First, BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF, focus only on the good things about you, and others will as well. Do not worry about a man right now, no matter how important that seems. After you realise that you can stand on your own two feet alone and raise your children yourself, after you do that you will see what an awesome person you really are, how strong, beautiful and amazing you are.

  26. Eve Says:
    November 5th, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I am so sorry that you had to go through so much at such a young age. I guess you will be beautiful until you’re 70 with that great frame of yours – look at those shoulders and thighs :) You have it all – beauty, lovely kids and a sensitive heart. Love yourself and happiness will always be by your side!

  27. Rachel Says:
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    I’m sorry you have suffered so much. You look absolutely great. I hope things get better for you.

  28. sarah Says:
    January 9th, 2013 at 4:35 am

    You are beautiful you reminded me of Hermione from Harry Potter. Stunning. You need positive people in your life, find a man/partner who worships you and your children. Only be with a man who treats you well and gives you respect, and in turn he will teach your boys how to treat women in the future. It will be the best gift you can give them.

  29. ChildfreeNotBrainfree Says:
    February 17th, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Hi. Okay, I will ‘fess up-I am childfree by choice , and came here out of curiosity to see how much “damage” birthing can do.I’m not gonna lie-if I didn’t already not want kids for many better reasons than vanity, this site may have scared my vain self out of having them, but honestly, many of you who say you are unhappy about your bodies do not look as bad as you think you do, or anything like what I was expecting to see…I was not going to comment here, but your story made me want to. You, my dear, are lovely. You have a very pretty face, and honestly, your figure isn’t like it probably was before you got pregnant(I am guessing you were like I am and weren’t satisfied with anything but perfect model proportions)…BUT…even if you don’t or can’t return to that, you will still be beautiful, because you already are now. You are obviously a sensitive, sweet girl who had the misfortune to have her self esteem shredded by an idiot who didn’t deserve you and felt insecure and tried to make you feel as bad as he did about himself…don’t let him win. You are obviously not stupid, based on how you express yourself here, and certainly not worthless! Best of luck to you and yours, and don’t worry, there are plenty of guys who’d love to be with someone like you!

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