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I’m So Depressed (Anonymous)

I’m 20 years old and I’m so depressed. I had my first child when I was 19 and I gained some weight but my body changed a lot but I was some what okay with it, but shortly after my 1st child I got pregnant again, but with this pregnancy I gained so much weight, and my stomach is full of stretch marks, I thought the weight would drop of quickly because all the women in my family who’ve had kids are all really skinny like my mom and sisters. My kids father work a full time job 12hr shifts. I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t know how to drive so he takes the car and I’m left at home alone. I feel like I’m slowly losing myself my confidence is gone I was once a really pretty shape and was considered really pretty in high school. I feel like all my friends are driving and living life and I’m tied down ugly and miserable. My boyfriend cheated on my while I was pregnant with my second child, and it’s hurt my pride, self esteem, and everything. He’s been so much better since then he’s grew up a lot, but I still think about it time from time. I just feel worthless most days I don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I don’t work, I can’t drive, cut off all my hair, I’m ugly, I don’t have friends, I just want to scream I want my old life back I fill like a poor excuse of a women.

in No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions
7 comments… add one
  • Hannah Thursday, November 12, 2015, 11:11 am

    I didn’t learn to drive until after my second baby either (I was 23, and just got it this June!). I was so scared of endangering my babies. If you can have someone take you to your local DMV, you can take the driver’s permit test, which is generally a written knowledge test (there’s literature available to study beforehand). After you pass that, if you have any friends or family nearby, see if someone can watch your babies for you, and have someone else take you out for a couple hours to practice. Maybe a quiet part of town, so you can concentrate. Even if you are sharing one vehicle, knowing how to drive gives so much freedom! When your boyfriend IS home, you can go do grocery shopping and other stuff for the family, and having that independence feels so good!
    I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Being a mama is tough, tough work, and it takes a huge toll physically and mentally. I’d suggest talking with your SO about your desire to learn and be productive. Most men can appreciate that, and knowing you want to do these things may make him want to help you achieve them.
    Also, if you can afford it, try getting a Vitamin D supplement. Walmart, Costco, and most health food or drugstores sell it, and it can help a lot going into winter, when depression can creep in more. I hope that the people around you are loving and supportive, and that you can see that you are a valuable person, beyond just being a mom. I will be thinking of you, and wishing you the best. ((hugs))

  • Alexandra Thursday, November 12, 2015, 12:17 pm

    Don’t give up. I also sometimes feel terrible with myself – I can drive, I have some friends, but none of them have children- I fell bad about lots of other things. What I want to say is that you are not unhappy beacuse you cant drive or you dont work. You have the most difficult work to do- to take care of young people! It’s the most important thing in the world. And that your boyfriend cheated on you- this is a reason for him to fell bad about himself, not you. You gave home to his babies..:) You are beautiful. What helps me- workouts( like 30minutes a day), honest talks to my love, praying. If you want someone to talk- let me know :) Excuse me my english, I’m from Poland..:) A lot of kisses, I cross my fingers for you.

  • J Elizabeth Thursday, November 12, 2015, 2:27 pm

    I just saw your post and my heart goes out to you. There is a lot going on here and it seems like it’s all raining down on you at once. One thing that struck me is that you decided to go on this site (which is super empowering and supportive) and post your thoughts. This shows me that there is a sense of self-love and strength inside you, an instinct to care for yourself and seek out connection and support. Good for you for taking that step.

    Things are complicated and there are no easy ways to make these problems disappear. I don’t know you and don’t want to offer advice, but I can make some observations based on my own experiences.

    You are very young (20) and blessed, hopefully, with a lot of time to change this story. I had some really bad times as a teen, in my twenties, then again in my thirties. But also good times as well. Perhaps stepping back a tiny bit and focusing on the flow of good and bad, recognizing that change is actually the core of life — if nothing else, change is guaranteed, and there’s a pretty good chance that your circumstances will improve.

    You are occupied a lot by what you can’t do (drive) or what you don’t have (job, your same appearance). What would happen if you decide to dedicate some time each day making something, doing something, learning something that you can be proud of? Something you can do or have. Decide to remind yourself of this thing. See it as a first step to taking more control of your life.

    I also wonder about making it a priority to address your depression head-on. Do you have a primary care physician you can see about it? Any sort of mental health resource? I also wonder about learning techniques for mindfulness and mediation that have been shown to help reduce depression. Google it to learn more.

    Finally, I cringe at hearing you compare yourself to others, to your former appearance. I remember thinking I was ugly as a 20-something, but now when I look at those pictures, I’m like “What was I thinking?!”.” And regardless, beauty is something that begins inside, with your spirit and sense of self, not with what’s on the outside. Beauty is a sense of self-worth and confidence, not what your body looks like on the surface. I know so many people who radiate beauty to me, but when I really stop to think about it, it’s the inside beauty that makes it all happen. I think you have that beauty inside you — you just need to love it and care for it and let it shine.

    So those are my thoughts — perhaps they can be useful? I don’t know you but I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send wishes for healing, for self-love, for some release from the grip of depression. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ALREADY.

  • Kim Friday, November 13, 2015, 6:30 pm

    It sounds to me like you might have ppd. Go to the doctor and get checked. If that’s the issue, medication will help a lot.
    Hugs.

  • Sarah Saturday, November 14, 2015, 12:14 am

    Lots of big hugs sent your way. You’re not worthless and I’m almost certain you’re not ugly. You’re a mom with two young children who has a lot on her plate right now. Your feelings about your changing body and your high-school life are more than understandable. If it makes you feel any better, every girl you went to high school with will go through the same when and if they get pregnant. We seem to get the idea that bodies “naturally” stay perfect because we’re bombarded with images of celebrities and models (who can afford to eat the healthiest possible food and work out 7 days a week), but very few women have bodies that bounce back to the way they were before pregnancy.

    As for the relationship with your boyfriend, it does admittedly sound like there are some unhealthy points. It’s not good for you to be stuck at home with no driving skills, especially if there’s an emergency and you need to take yourself or one of your children to the doctor or hospital. Is there a family member or friend who could teach you how to drive? Is there any reason your boyfriend hasn’t offered to teach you?

    As for your not working, you can enter the workforce whenever you want if you have the right support. Kids too young right now? That’s fine. Places in communities like libraries often offer free workshops where you can learn marketable skills and others things that will help you become more hireable. You could brush up on these things while you’re waiting for them to grow up a little.

    I can only speak for myself, but any time I’ve immersed myself in a “me” activity I always end up feeling good about myself–and that includes my body, too. Whether it’s driving, working toward getting a job, or just picking up an enjoyable hobby, *you can do this*. You’re clearly smart and articulate, and have the drive to get somewhere.

    Finally, you might talk to your doctor about post-partum depression. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s usually easy to treat. It sounds from your post like you may be suffering from some of the symptoms, and it wouldn’t hurt to get it checked out. All the best with your journey. You have lots of potential and I’m sure other people out there will recognize it, too.

  • Mintie Sunday, November 15, 2015, 3:48 am

    Things won’t be like this forever. Get out and walk at least 30 minutes a day; it helps your mood, with losing weight, and is good for the baby. You aren’t just a body…you’re a soul and heart. This society puts a lot of pressure on us as women, and we think our bodies determine our self worth. You are not a poor excuse for a woman. You birthed a beautiful baby, and getting back to a New normal takes time. Give yourself a break, but get active!

  • Leah Sunday, November 15, 2015, 10:51 am

    Your not a poor excuse of a women you have carried to children in your body! No body is perfect before I got pregnant I was a size 8 iv recently gave birth to my boy and none of my clothes fit me I am now a 12-14 it dose depress me from time to time but now I have the body of a mother and I am proud! you should never have to deal with feeling the way you do alone! Remember that you do have children but sometimes mums need mum time alone to unwind and relax xxx

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