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I want myself back. (Anonymous)

July 13, 2011

I have a gorgeous 16 month old son. I am 21, myself. I feel terrible about my body. I don’t feel like the same person, I literally look at pictures of myself before giving birth and think to myself how I miss that very faraway strange person. it never leaves my mind. If I am alone and undistracted to long I think of ending it all. Its not just my saggy breasts, my watermelon striped jelly belly but my new vagina. Its horrific. I never queefed before. I feel like a bug could crawl up there. Sex is exponentially less good, sometimes painful. The doc says im normal. I had no tearing. The “normal” part makes me feel so much worse like I’m supposed to accept it, and as if everyone else already has accepted for me the fact I am a mom now and nothing else, much less someone who should care about sex or have good sex. I never had given mom sexuality much thought, especialy with so many celebrity births but now I feel like “Oh duh! being a mom is the precursor to being old! to having a not tight pussy! to no longer being first choice!” I feel all used up. I thought when people say stuff like “Oh you look great for having kids” they meant oh you lost weight. So what? who cares about weight when you have puckered, sagging, marked up skin, floppy breasts and a weird looking loose pussy?! I feel violated and robbed in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Id really like to thank you for creating this website I was thinking of doing something similar but not as positve when I ran across Shape of a Mother. I am in therapy for PPD. Rx drugs seem to numb me at best. Looking through your site has been my first flicker of real hope and break from intense aloneness and feelings of worthlessness. I know I have a looong way to go and am still looking into LVR and cosmetic procedures but the world seems allot less foreboding now. I saw other women saying the same thing I was thinking upon finding The Shape of a Mother, Id never feel so negative towards another woman in my position.

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33 Responses to “I want myself back. (Anonymous)”

  1. amber h Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 8:16 am

    you look great – ide say i look worse than you (blessed and tortured post) but it took me 4 years to learn to love myself.

    EXERCISE, cardio will help with your depression better than pills… and you are more than what you were before, your a MOTHER. and there is NO greater accomplishment.

  2. charlina Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 8:46 am

    I agree with amber h. People hate to hear it but exercise will get you back on the road to feeling like your self. It’s taken me 4 years ( and my body did not hold up as well as your I can tell you)to feel beautiful again. Drugs help very few people, but a vinyasa class or cardio class will whip you into shape in no time at all. And your shape IS beautiful. Good luck to sister.

  3. Megan Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 8:49 am

    I wish i could get through to women…YOUR BREASTS ARE NOT SAGGY!!! Women compare their breasts to breasts that have been cosmetically altered to what we ‘THINK’ they should look like. People are losing sight of what we’re naturally supposed to look like because of all the fake enhancements we can get nowadays but remember it’s not natural and your boobs are in fact NOT saggy. They are large yes, heavy yes, and being as they are not made of plastic they are naturally going to drop a bit but your boobs look great girl i’m serious! I have 32F breasts when prepregnancy i had 36B. Please don’t be hard on yourself. It really is a waste of life worrying about what you look like and i don’t always have a positive outlook on myself but i just have to remember that the situation could be so much worse…i have all of my limbs, i can see, i don’t have any life-threatening diseases, i have been able to breastfeed my two children, they are healthy and i am healthy. I know it sounds cliche but hold on to postitive thoughts. And about the queefing, i’m sure you’ve heard of kegals and there are vaginal weights that you can buy that can help tighten that area. I do kegals and have thought about buying the weights because yes, after having children things do feel different. I have had 1 c-section and a VBAC. Keep your chin up…millions of other women out there are going through the same thing so at least you’re not alone. Please don’t give up or tear yourself down, be another inspiration to someone else out there!

  4. Laura Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 10:14 am

    can we trade boobs…at least, if anything you still have yours, mine look like rocks in socks, i would glady have what you have, its not that bad at all.

  5. Dee Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 10:22 am

    There’s not too many posts about vulvas or vaginas on here, even though those too change with motherhood. I think it’s because it’s probably still one of the more embarrassing things to talk about. Before I had my daughter, I queefed once, maybe twice in my life. My boyfriend and I recently had sex and I literally had a whole queefing session. It was like 3 minutes of straight queefing. I was embarrassed, but my boyfriend and I just laughed it off hysterically.

    Sometimes I think that my pussy must not be as tight after giving birth and began looking into getting a kegel weight which would make your pelvic floor muscles tighter.

    Keep your head up. You look beautiful.

  6. Renee Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 11:41 am

    You have fantastic breasts, big and full. I on the otherhand have lost all of the juiciness in my breasts. i felt the same as you for a very lob time (18months to be precise). My son is now 19months old and as if something just switched in me, I now no longer feel AS bad. I have my down days but bit by bit I’m feeling better! and I know others have said it, but exercise does make you feel better. I’ve ate healthy but still succumbed the odd takeaway and exercised and i’ve managed to lose a stone and a half. granted, some parts are still a bit droopy/saggy round the edges, but I’m getting there. good luck

  7. Kerry Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 11:43 am

    I think you look beautiful. Your breasts don’t seem saggy, they are a great shape and quite full. As far as your striped watermelon belly goes… I don’t see it, I think you forgot to post a picture of that one. I see a flat belly and nice curvy hips. From someone who has no hips or boobs.. I think you have the best shape. As far as you feeling your vagina is no longer the same.. squats will really improve that, they are the best thing you can do for your pelvic floor muscles. Which also ties in exercise, like the other girls said, it will make you feel so much better about yourself! Exercising gives you more energy, helps you feel worthwhile and gives you something positive to do.

  8. Marz Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Anonymous— honestly, I think you look great whether or not you’ve had kids. Not just excellent proportions, but you really do look sexy, regardless of how your prebaby body looked. (when you think about it, how many people don’t look half as good as you witout even a baby as an excuse?)
    I’m bisexual. I’ve faced a lot of criticism for that. But hopefully mentioning that will give a little more persuasiveness to my comment. You ARE attractive, both in the face and body. And you’ve got a great hourglass shape :) If the SSRIs are only making you numb, then maybe you could ask to be put on something else. I had to switch from zoloft to … [some intense long name i cant think of] in order to not feel empty and therefore worse.

  9. Catherine S Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    The lack of enjoyment from sex could also have something to do with the medications you are taking as well. I had some success with more tone in my vaginal walls from doing squats, more so than kegels. PPD is horrible and I hope you are able to find some relief. You are lovely:)

  10. shannon Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    I think you look great. I don’t know what it is like to have your vagina (a lot less harsh then saying pu**y) change since I had to have cesareans….but trust me…I would love to give birth naturally!!!!

    There are definitely worse things in life than getting to deliver a baby vaginally and having some changes down there.

    You really do look great. Exercise will make you feel so much more confident (not that you don’t already look awesome!)

  11. Mandi Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Thank you so much for posting. Your thoughts basically mirror that of my own. It’s so hard to be so young and feel already used up. Sometimes i joke with my friends that i feel like i’m already forty, inside and out. I am no longer with the father of my child, and whenever i have sex with my boyfriend i am TERRIFIED that he’s going to think i’m loose. When i was pregnant with my daughter i never dreamed of changes it would cause my body. Thank you so much for having the guts to post about those down below the waist issues. It feels really good to know that there are other people with the same concerns.

    On a different note, your stomach is ridiculously smooth, and i’m so so jealous of your boobs. Mine basically disappeared when i stopped breast feeding!

  12. Sean Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    You are VERY pretty!! I don’t see saggy breasts! And needless to say I’m a guy.

  13. Amy Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I think you have a gorgeous figure and you have great breasts , not saggy at all. They are full and womanly. I would kill to have breasts like yours :)

  14. christina Says:
    July 13th, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Find what you love about yourself that has nothing to do with your appearance and nurture that.

    Oh, and kegals. I agree with Megan about that. I know nothing about vaginal weights. But kegals are good.

    And like Amber suggested, cardio/regular exercise will help you get the weight loss results you want. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. So you gotta put the work in.

    I’m 36 and I have three children. The oldest one is fourteen. I’m in the best shape of my life both inside and out.

  15. Kate Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 6:14 am

    I feel your pain, believe me you are soooo not alone!!! We are like twins, except that I am 31, so I bet you have it a little harder because you are comparing yourself to 21 year olds. Most of my peers have kids and some of the effects of gravity are starting to show. I HATE “you look great for having kids” it implies that you will never look as good as the non-moms, like we are in a different category now. I too feel like my vagina and whole pelvic region is way huge now(i too have been introduced to queefing-haha!not a fan) I have been doing kegals constantly, it hasnt helped because the actual bones are wider. I also had PPD, but after 12 excruciating months i am almost back to normal. Curing the depression wont fix all the body flaws you see, but your imperfections wont make you cry yourself to sleep every night when your brain working right again. Just hang in there and stay on the meds…or change meds if they dont work, IT WILL GET BETTER. Also, everyone else is right, excersize does wonders for your state of mind. I know you feel like” why bother, excersize cant fix my loose skin or my boobs!” Just forget about working out to look good for now and tell yourself to do it as part of the therapy for your depression. Only make yourself do it for 10 mon per day if it seems overwhelming. I sense alot of anger in your post, i felt like that too. I so understand how you feel, my prayers and big hugs go out to you…..lots of hugs and love, you need it and deserve it!

  16. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 9:59 am

    I don’t consider pussy to be a harsh word. I know some women for whom that is the most comfortable term. In fact, my understanding is that the word “vagina” means sheath (as in, for a sword) and that idea makes me somewhat queasy, as though our bodies are only for the pleasure of men. There are so many words for the female privates that I think whatever is most comfortable for each woman should be embraced for her.

  17. MAry V Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 11:46 am

    You have a beautiful shape! So womanly and lovely, I feel your pain in the vagina dept… Two kids and what is this?!?! I have tried exercises and they havent worked and my bladder has a mind of its own so I am looking into what my insurance will cover as far as a bladder lift and maybe some wall tightening. I thought all that stuff was cospetic until a girlfriend of mine had a full on vagina overhual, all covered my insurance! Its worth looking into, but def dont be so hard on your body, you are beautiful!

  18. amber h Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    well said bonnie…

  19. Krystine Says:
    July 15th, 2011 at 2:36 am

    I looked exactly like you do now before I even had a baby. I was on forced bedrest for 23weeks of my first pregnancy, and then 18mnths later was on again for my second pregnancy. Depression, a sedentary lifestyle (while on bedrest) several miscarriages since the birth of my 2yo in April of 2009, and a husband who would do anything to make me feel better has led to me being nearly 50kgs heavier, just over 2yrs after I had my second (and last) child. I find it so hard to get and stay motivated to lose the weight now that I am so heavy, and so different to what I was before kids.

    I havent had any problems with ‘queefing’, though I have found that my labia have kinda stretched and are dangly now. I birthed a 7lb 8 and a 9lb 8.5 baby though, and you have to expect changes.

    You are GORGEOUS just the way you are. I know several women who would sell their sould to have your figure. You are definately one HOT mamma!

  20. Tosha Says:
    July 16th, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Thanks for having the guts to post about the queefing lol I got that nice little gift after my 2nd son but kegels & exercise has done wonders for me! I think you look beautiful & would trade boobs w/ you any day!

  21. Anon Says:
    July 18th, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    I feel the same about my body. Yea, I lost all the weight and am at my normal weight (125lbs @ 5’9″) and always hear, “OMG you have a kid? you don’t look like you’ve been pregnant at all!” Well, they don’t see UNDER the clothes! I have small, saggy, lop sided breasts that are covered in light stretch marks. I didn’t even breast feed and they still look like crap. I think my inner labia grew or something and they embarrass me a lot. I never queefed before either and now it’s like air is always getting pushed up there and if I make the wrong move, it comes right back out and mortifies me!! My bf says I am tight and loves sex with me and is never bothered by my wonderful vagina farts, but it really gets to me:-( So, you are def not alone in that dept lady!

  22. Anon Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    i was self conscious about my vulva as well. go to the great wall of vagina and take a look at plaster casts of 400 differntly shaped vulva. I promise. You’re normal!

  23. Anon Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    sorry forgot that wasn’t the webiste. just google it. Its by an artist named jamie mccartney

  24. Brit Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Girl, I could have written your post. However, I am 24 and only WISH I was still 21! I feel robbed and violated as well and I too am having trouble with my sexuality and being a mom. I hate when my husband says,”You are a hot mom!” I don’t take that as a compliment, I feel like it is a downgrade from the compliments he gave me before having his child. Why can’t I just be a hot person in general with no other context? There is a negative connotation with being a mom and being “sexy” in my experience and I want to change that. We are all sexy women! Mom or not! You are so beautiful. Keep working hard and you’ll get to where you want to be, I do think it is possible (or at least I keep telling myself that). I am still 40lbs heavier than when I got pregnant 15 months ago and that makes me sad. Oh, and I know surgery is not for everyone but if you truly feel that way about your lady parts, there are surgical options to restore things back to normal. I had labiaplasty and couldn’t be happier. Just know there are options! Good luck :)

  25. Lauren Says:
    July 23rd, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    You look GREAT!! I am 20 and just had my first kid and I look horrifying compared to you.

  26. Carlos Says:
    July 25th, 2011 at 5:28 am

    You are a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! It makes me so sad to hear you even mention “ending it all”…for what? Because, maybe your boobs sag a little bit? You’re not as thin as you’d like to be?

    You’re still 21, and I know that you’ll hit your desired weight soon enough. You’re a gorgeous woman and you should be proud of your body…after all, you earned it! Blessings! :)

  27. Christina Says:
    July 25th, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    I just have to say… I love your boobs. I wish I had them. Seriously. Any one would want them, they are perfect.

    I don’t see what is wrong with your body, I think its really nice. You have got a fantastic shape.

    I agree 100% with what the others said about excersise. It will make you feel better. Even if you don;t lose weight, mentally it will.

    This is what I have to say. Your post makes me sad. Believe me I understand body image issues. I dealt with them almost my entire life. I have battled bulimia for about 10 years now. But I have just recently learned to let go.

    Life is too short to hold onto any kind of hatred, especially hatred for yourself. You need to love yourself, so your son can learn to love himself too. Its really important. Who will love you, if you don;t love yourself first (besides your son of course).

    I think your depression is what makes you think you are ugly, used, ruined. Which you are not. I have no idea what you mean about used? I have more men checking me out now than I did before having my son. Maybe it’s my hapiness, who knows.

    Really, who the fuck cares? All that should matter now is you being a great mom to that kid. Nothing more.

  28. Marie Says:
    July 29th, 2011 at 10:42 am

    The lack of enjoyment during sex could definitely be a side effect of the Rx drugs you are taking and not having had a baby. I took Zoloft for six months (pre-pregnancy) and don’t think I had a single orgasm the whole time. I had never had that problem before.

  29. Angelena Says:
    July 30th, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Hey i just stummbled apon your article and i felt like – hey thats how i felt. I am 22 years old and my body type looks just like that. I used to be the same way i look back at them hot, sexy pictures of me when i was younger and say man i wished i looked like that but truth is i have had 2 kids my first at 20 and my second at 21. I am now 22 and have came to terms with my breast are a little lower than what i seen as normal and my tummy is like a marsh mellow that my children love to smush their faces in and make raspberrys lol and as for my husband we have been togther since i was a hot little thing at 17 and after i bared my children to only want to marry me this last april with the momma body and all. also i have just learned to love it and see joy behind the scares, my children. Also just knowing that your totally not the only one makes it all worth it!

  30. LC Says:
    August 24th, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    You look great in my honest opinion. Not everyone likes to hear this but, exercise, the right diet, and taking fish oil twice a day should help with the depression. It is definitely better than RX drugs. I am glad you found this site.

  31. SaraBelle Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Please hear my . words..I felt like you did when my daughter was 16 months, she was 10 pounds 8 ounces. vaginal bith all the way. In my experience my pussy got tighter in time and sex got back to the way it was before my daughter. try giving things time..even though its hard because things might take longer then expected they will get better. and you will become more and more of you old self downstairs.:)

  32. Kristen Says:
    July 19th, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Let me start by saying I think you look great, and I have not yet had a baby nor am I pregnant. I wanted to post because I feel so bad that your vagina has changed to the point that it sounds like you no longer enjoy sex, and it being painful must be awful. I know everyone has said to exercise, but I have to suggest running. Even though I haven’t had a baby, when I started running my boyfriend (at the time,I’m happily married to someone else now) and I were rarely having sex even though my drive was through the roof, he only wanted it maybe once a week. I finally decided I would go running instead of wasting my time having sex with him. After one month of running every day we had sex again, and it hurt 100 times more than when I was a virgin because it tightened up my vagina SO MUCH!!!! My husband now certainly doesn’t complain, but he always tells me it’s like I have clamps in there! So long story short go running and get tightened up and back to enjoying our sex life with that great body!!!

  33. Anonymous Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    OMG! I forgot I submitted this. I was googling ppd and sex or something like that and found myself! HAHA THank you all sooo much for the encouragement. I ended up in a psych ward months after this for the intensifying depression over my “mom pussy”. I am doing kegels, but the outer area looks so cavernous I dont see how anything short of sewing new skin on it could help. I have a gyno appointment next month and will make sure nothing else is going on, also I want to try getting of the SSRIS and see what happens. I alternate from despair at feelings of castration and worthlessness to hope and drive to take action. I am trying to hang on until I have tried everything. I hope someday I will be smart and strong enough to somehow raise awareness of this sort of thing, and make female impotence as much of a researched and treated issue as male sexual dysfunction is. I cant tell each of you enough how much your comments meant to me.

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