Original entry here.
So I use to be hopeful. I use to think I could change my body back to semi-normal or at least into something I could accept. I know differently now. Now I know that with out surgery I will be miserable forever…. Ok maybe that’s a tad bit dramatic. What I know is that I’m currently about 40 lbs heavier than I was when I posted last. I know I can take the weight off but this 2nd time around has been harder with schedule, the demand of 2 kids, working, and just my overall attitude. Not to mention the stress of being poor and a bunch of other bullshit. Oh yeah… So a few months after I posted I got pregnant with number 2, had an early miscarriage, and lost all motivation to do anything so I gained 25 lbs. Then 3 months later I was pregnant again. Didn’t gain as much weight as I did the 1st time but since I had gained 25 before getting pregnant I ended up at the same weight I was after I had my daughter… Joy! <—-Note oodles of sarcasm.
I hate my body more than I ever have in my life. I don’t look at other women and think “oh she looks awful” for some reason I can totally see beauty in others but in myself? Not at all. Everyday is a challenge. As dramatic as it sounds I sometimes think about dying over it. I wouldn’t take my own life (I couldn’t do that to my children) but sometimes it seems like dying would be a nice way out… An easy way out. Pathetic? Yeah I know… Trust me I know! I hear myself and I think “god you sound ridiculous! There are more important things in life than your body. Get over yourself!!!” But I can’t! It’s an obsession. I obsess daily. Every time I sit down and I can feel the folds of my skin coming together I want to throw up. Everyday I imagine if I was rich the procedures I would have done…Full Tummy tuck, thigh lift, butt lift, boob lift with implants, take care of adult acne, lazer treatment for stretch marks… And I think of more everyday. I hate it. Of course I wish and wish for my old body back but more than anything I wish to just be ok with the body I have. I wish to just be ok because it’s killing me. It’s damaging my relationships. I know too many moms who popped right back to their pre-pregnancy looks. Idk why but I’m surrounded by perfectly shaped can literally do swim suit ads after having babies (yes more than 1!) mommies. Im suffocating in this body. I use to be sexy. I use to rock it but now… Well I’m very far from rocking it anymore.
My children are healthy and beautiful… Really beautiful. People stop me all the time to look at them. They are superbly healthy and are both wonderful kids.
My partner is a pain in my ass but a good guy. He’s only a pain because we are having some serious Finacial trouble and we’ve been regularly fighting over it. But as far as how he views my body? Well he is great. He loves me just as I am… Of course I don’t believe him but he tries to make me believe it.
Anyways the stretchmarks I can handle, the extra weight i can handle, but its the loose skin that drives me mad. I have it everywhere. The below pictures are just of my belly where its the worst but my ass sags, my thighs look awful ( i use to have really great legs), my arms are flabby, and i don’t even want to mention my breasts… If you’ve seen african women? The ones that live in huts and wear their breasts openly… Well thats what mine look like and Im not exaggerating. So that’s it this is me and my life now.
I’m 25. I have an almost 3 year old and a 5 1/2 month old.
These pictures are from today.
May 25th, 2011 at 8:18 am
I have SO been there! Except my state of depression/suicide contemplation (though deep down knowing I would never do it…and feeling that same notion that my family needed me is what really made me know I wouldn’t) began at the end of both pregnancies. And it was over all of the stretch mark/scarring that would happen at the end of both pregnancies that I had no control over. I’m a big time anxiety person and HATE not being in control. Seeing everything get “worse” and “worse” and still keeping that same feeling after having my kids…..it was a terrible state of existence. And, I too had the countering thoughts of “WOW how superficial/this is stupid/how many people go through way worse things?/how selfish and vain am I?”. And in both cases, what was REALLY required (for me) was TIME. It took about 2 years after my first to finally feel at peace with myself…and another year or so after my second. And both times I was in this state of panic where I thought I would never feel happy again. I REALLY believed that. My advice to you is to try not to focus on this now (I KNOW IT IS SO HARD) and give yourself a date to re-visit everything in like a year or two and see how you feel then. I promise you will feel differently and can maybe work towards some health or fitness goals when you are READY to do so! In the meantime allow others to give you strength and comfort and focus on your family. And know that very few women are popping back into bathing suits (and feel totally comfortable about it) shortly after having babies. XOXO And by the way, I think you look lovely…TRULY
May 25th, 2011 at 8:31 am
I feel heartbroken reading your post. I’ve shared the daily unbearable dissatisfaction, but I’ve been naive about the extent of the external pressures others feel to fit in, to be just like their peers, to be just like that media image.
Some parts of the book Body Love, by Rita Freedman, have helped me to feel more comfortable as I am, perhaps you might find it helpful too: http://www.ritafreedman.com/b_love.html, as you noted that you want your old body back, but you also want to be OK with the body you have.
I deeply appreciate you sharing your story so that others can see that the pain caused by our cultural saturation of unrealistic (unnatural in the cases of cosmetic surgery and digitally altered photography) female imagery is real.
May 25th, 2011 at 9:32 am
I have felt the way you feel (for the most part). There have been times that I hav stayed home just because I hated my body so much. I have gotten much better…and you are right…there ARE more important things in life. I have personally lost a child (he was 19 months when he passed away), so I know there are more important things. My youngest is 2, and my oldest would have been almost 5.
I just want to let you know that you look great! You are not even 6 months pp. Also, you do not have loose skin (well you have a tiny bit)…it is just fat (which you can lose!). Do cardio, AND (more importantly) strength training. Go get some 5 pound dumb bells ($8 a piece at target), and order The 30 Day Shred off amazon (as cheap as $5 used). You will feel so much beter…and it is worth the $20-$25 you will spend!). Also, the workout is only 20 minutes
Do not lose hope…you will love yourself again…just work hard and eat healthy
May 25th, 2011 at 9:32 am
Oh….and you look great
May 25th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Im 23, and my husband spent a thousand dollars in one week on a tattoo. I also spent over a decade recovering (and relapsing numerous times) from an eating disorder. So I know how it feels to hate yourself and your body so much that you would do anything to escape it; and I know what financial troubles can be like when you have to sell your belongings just to pay for formula.
The money will turn out on its own. Just stick it out and try to cut back. As for your body/weight…. yknow, the only thing that really turned my eating habits around and broke the cycle of self-loathing, starvation, and purging was going vegan. Once I was eating ultra-healthy and walking 2-5mi a day, I realized what my natural body shape was supposed to be. And that’s what really helped me to accept myself. If you’re doing everything right and in moderation (not running 6 miles a day, for example) then your body will show you how it’s truly built.
I am sturdy: five foot seven and 158lbs. And I’m okay with that. But going vegan is just what worked for me. Some people kill themselves getting into insane shape, some people turn to religion, and some people find a new love.
You’re only 6 months PP (me too!), you gotta give yourself a break. Look at how far you’ve come since birth day!
May 26th, 2011 at 11:03 am
You have so much pressure on you right now! I’m sorry the finances are adding to the stress–this doesn’t help I am sure. But I am worried about how badly you’re feeling. I know doctors etc. cost money but I wonder if you’ve told your doctor about how low you feel. I’d be concerned about post partum depression and I wish you could get some help, maybe some strategies for stopping those obsessive thoughts so you could get a break. Believe me I think depression is the worst feeling ever. Will be thinking of you and I hope you can find some comfort and enjoyment.
May 27th, 2011 at 10:34 am
Your baby is just five months old! In your previous pictures, you ended up lighter than you were pre-pregnancy! You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself, hun. You are a beautiful woman. You have come such a distance and you can do it again! Nothing can stand in your way unless you let it.
May 30th, 2011 at 9:30 am
Your stomach looks like mine at 6 months postpartum. Thank you for posting because you helped me realize I am not alone I will post my own pics soon. Right now I walk alot and try to make it to the gym. Don’t worry just work at it at your own pace!
May 31st, 2011 at 2:55 pm
the good thing about this site, is for the most part we can all relate… And we all can appreciate and understand that we are not alone in this depression we are feeling. I don’t think your belly is that bad, your post hurt my feelings
… my belly looked that way after having my daughter, and we are our own worst critics we can be so hard on your selves. one day I just got up and was like I can let this bother me or I can do something about it, our bodies may never get back to what we want, but we can try to help our selves. Girl I’m poor too so cotinue to be hopeful try to find someone to go walking with, everything will get better in time…
June 14th, 2011 at 10:32 pm
Hi! First off thanks for all the lovely comments. It really does help when I hear from people who are like myself or who have gone through similar issues. I seriously don’t know anyone around me who deals with what I do. I’m sure they are out there but I don’t personally know any mommies who look like me or feel like me. Makes life pretty lonely. Also I deal with a lot of envy issues towards some of my mommy friends who have the bikini after baby bodies. Envy is such a sucky thing. I do my best to hid it.
——- I wanted to add a warning message here. I speak very honestly about my feelings and they are intense and full of hate. I truly do not mean to upset anyone over what I write. I sound so hateful in my posts but I’m actually not a hateful person. I’m quite nice actually but this whole body mess really has me turning ugly and I don’t mean on the outside.
so anyways read on but be warned i sound really horrible.————-
Anyways I just started therapy for my body issues. I just can’t handle it any more. I think the worst part for me is that I feel like this body isn’t mine. Ive been sexually active since I was 13 and I’ve always felt sexy… I’ve always been able to strip in front of a man with complete confidence. My sex appeal has always been a huge part of who I am. I never realized how big until I lost it. (side note: I was sexually abused as a kid… Which probably explains a lot! Lol!) Anyways so I have no idea who I am anymore. Inside I still want to do all the things I loved to do before this happened… Dancing, taunting my love with those sexy poses, basically being sexy and feeling sexy…. I’ve completely lost that. I’ve lost my desire for sex. I have 0 desire because I cant stand the thought of feeling my body against someone else’s… Gross! So I’m in therapy. Lol! Which if you made it this far… Is probably a very good thing. I’m completely lost. I don’t know this body. This body is NOT me! I’d kill this body if I could. I don’t want to die. I’d just like this body to die so I could get a replacement that actually looked semi decent. Ugh!
June 21st, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I love your attitude! Haha. It’s wonderful. I’m stressed out with a bunch of bullshit too, and it doesn’t seem to be helping the weight issue. Stress hormones keep the weight on. One day, we will find that happy medium and we will look back at how we feel now and laugh. I’m trying to live in the moment, and embrace each second. As for our bodies, we look the same. In fact, I’m happy to see your belly, because it looks just like mine! My fiance says the same thing, he is happy with my body and always reassures me. I feel like you, where I just don’t believe him. I know that I don’t believe him because of my own insecurities. How could I believe that someone would love my body if I don’t? Maybe that’s just me being self-centered. Maybe he’s not just saying it. Maybe he really does, because this body brought our beautiful child into this world. I feel like we create these expectations of what our bodies should look like based on the unrealistic expectations that society puts on us, usually by men. Maybe not the man we are with, but maybe men from the past. I used to have boys tease me in school about my fat thighs or girls would tease me about my boobs or my belly. Now that they are bigger, I think.. Well, great. People already thought they were gross before, now what are they going to think? Then I realize I’m being just as immature as they were then. I’m trying to accept and love my body the way it is.
June 30th, 2011 at 5:22 am
5 1/2 months old = you’re really really tired = can’t be bothered to exercise.
But when your last child is out of nappies = more time for you = 8 hours sleep every night = eating well = the weight can slowly comes off if you drink heaps of water. x
August 8th, 2011 at 2:50 am
Hi Tati,
Your second post was the revealing one. The focus on looks unfortunately that our society has is the cause of women feeling of no value outside being a sex object to men. We buy into Madison avenue as much as men or we wouldn’t be willing to leave this world because we are no longer the sexy girl. It is a fact of life, but like the brave lady who started this website says, we hide it in the us-of-a.
Your whole life needs a sense of value of yourself apart from th sexual desire of men. You are worth SO much more! Momness is fantastic, and in my opinion the most difficult job there is, but, still, and this is not about narcissism, it is about finding and nurturing the gift that you are as an individual and what you alone bring to this planet. Are you kind, funny, intelligent…. Yes, you need some substitution, but only because your best traits failed development because tv, media assailed you with phony values.
The changes you are going through and the outcome of them needs depend on you alone. Can you look inside yourself and find beauty or looking find traces of what you want to become?
The world will never stop in judging a women by appearance alone, look at vogues child porn model this month (aug 2011), it is horrifying that vogue is sexualizing a 10 year old child like she was an adult. The only person that can compete with that is 9 yes old. You yourself were made to believ at 13 you were ready for adulthood. Precious, you were not. You never had the time as. Teen to find out who you were as a human, just some man’s momentary satisfaction.
It IS a challenge with children to develop yourself just in the sense of finding time. To do so is also a lifetime of discovery. Look at the world and what is missing, inevitably you have resources in you to be the answer it needs. You are not a wad of excess skin. You were created to be many things. More than the reflection in th mirror, more than sexual desire, more than mommy. All those roles in life require something of us, but don’t let them all overwhelm the fact that you must develop a sense of yourself apart from them.
Here is my one hope, and it is a personal one, the world has enough selfish jerks….
we don’t need anymore of those.
Be patient, try new things, relish you children’s baby years and teach them love, you won’t get this chance again. But remember to take care for yourself too. You must not be afraid of change and what your friends say!
Endeavor to make some stretch marks on the world! It could
use it.
September 5th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
When I read your posts I thought it could have been me writing. I also have a newly 3 year old and a 5 month old.
Both pregnancies ended with me at 207. I lost weight so quickly the first time ( I also exercised religiously) but I gained so much more the 2nd time. Round 1 I started at 180 gained 27 lbs to 207 and ended with weight loss at 150. At 5 months i was already 165. Round 2 I gained 57 lbs and have lost 27 to date…25 to go. So stuck at 180 since the 1st month and the scale never seems to budge
I understand it takes time but I’m wearing the same 2 outfits over and over because nothing else fits and we don’t have the money to buy new clothes. It doesn’t help that I rationalize a new wardrobe as a waste of money because I refuse to be this way forever and to my warped mind it’s a commitment
With 2 kids, finances in the toliet (living with parents now),and my self loathing sex is out of the picture despite my husband saying he thinks I’m beautiful. Which to me sounds like bull
I don’t have the energy to run like before… Pregnancy forced me to stop because of the intense pelvic pain I’d have for days afterwards. I used to run 6 times a week and do weights 3 x. Now maybe I run 0-3 times a week and no weights.
I used to weigh well over 200 in hs now I’m 28 and lighter but the insecurities are still there and living at my old house does not help that
I’m just comforted by someone else that I can relate to because I’m sick of reading the boards where post after post report returning to prepregnacy size or smaller by 6 weeks
September 5th, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Math was wrong. 30 lbs to go… And I used to tutor calc ha!