Original entry here.
So I use to be hopeful. I use to think I could change my body back to semi-normal or at least into something I could accept. I know differently now. Now I know that with out surgery I will be miserable forever…. Ok maybe that’s a tad bit dramatic. What I know is that I’m currently about 40 lbs heavier than I was when I posted last. I know I can take the weight off but this 2nd time around has been harder with schedule, the demand of 2 kids, working, and just my overall attitude. Not to mention the stress of being poor and a bunch of other bullshit. Oh yeah… So a few months after I posted I got pregnant with number 2, had an early miscarriage, and lost all motivation to do anything so I gained 25 lbs. Then 3 months later I was pregnant again. Didn’t gain as much weight as I did the 1st time but since I had gained 25 before getting pregnant I ended up at the same weight I was after I had my daughter… Joy! <—-Note oodles of sarcasm.
I hate my body more than I ever have in my life. I don’t look at other women and think “oh she looks awful” for some reason I can totally see beauty in others but in myself? Not at all. Everyday is a challenge. As dramatic as it sounds I sometimes think about dying over it. I wouldn’t take my own life (I couldn’t do that to my children) but sometimes it seems like dying would be a nice way out… An easy way out. Pathetic? Yeah I know… Trust me I know! I hear myself and I think “god you sound ridiculous! There are more important things in life than your body. Get over yourself!!!” But I can’t! It’s an obsession. I obsess daily. Every time I sit down and I can feel the folds of my skin coming together I want to throw up. Everyday I imagine if I was rich the procedures I would have done…Full Tummy tuck, thigh lift, butt lift, boob lift with implants, take care of adult acne, lazer treatment for stretch marks… And I think of more everyday. I hate it. Of course I wish and wish for my old body back but more than anything I wish to just be ok with the body I have. I wish to just be ok because it’s killing me. It’s damaging my relationships. I know too many moms who popped right back to their pre-pregnancy looks. Idk why but I’m surrounded by perfectly shaped can literally do swim suit ads after having babies (yes more than 1!) mommies. Im suffocating in this body. I use to be sexy. I use to rock it but now… Well I’m very far from rocking it anymore.
My children are healthy and beautiful… Really beautiful. People stop me all the time to look at them. They are superbly healthy and are both wonderful kids.
My partner is a pain in my ass but a good guy. He’s only a pain because we are having some serious Finacial trouble and we’ve been regularly fighting over it. But as far as how he views my body? Well he is great. He loves me just as I am… Of course I don’t believe him but he tries to make me believe it.
Anyways the stretchmarks I can handle, the extra weight i can handle, but its the loose skin that drives me mad. I have it everywhere. The below pictures are just of my belly where its the worst but my ass sags, my thighs look awful ( i use to have really great legs), my arms are flabby, and i don’t even want to mention my breasts… If you’ve seen african women? The ones that live in huts and wear their breasts openly… Well thats what mine look like and Im not exaggerating. So that’s it this is me and my life now.
I’m 25. I have an almost 3 year old and a 5 1/2 month old.
These pictures are from today.