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I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)

September 17, 2010

When most little girls were dreaming of marrying prince charming, or planning their weddings and the names of their future children, I had one goal in mind: I wanted to be physically supernatural, beautiful and virtually unbreakable. I didn’t play school or dress-up or house. I pretended I was a cartoon character: Cheetara, from the Thundercats show. Why Cheetara? Because she was everything I wasn’t — thin, muscular, acrobatic and tough. She could fight or escape her enemies, and she had a team of friends to help her.

In the real world, I was alone. A single child to neglectful, selfish parents. A student in a small, rural country school where I was often the only girl among several boys. I was a binge-eater starting at the age of 5 (to self-medicate the pain of my childhood), so I was chubby most of my young years. I hit puberty very young, growing noticeable breasts by 9 and having a mother too out of touch to support me and help me to dress properly. I was simultaneously leered at and ridiculed by everyone — family, adult friends of my parents, peers.

I was ashamed, and despite many great things about myself, the only thing that mattered was my appearance.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that things changed. Actually, it was when I was giving birth. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling like my body and my accomplishments were working in harmony, not one despite the other.

I can’t say that feeling has lasted. I alternate between comfortable confidence, detached apathy and gut-wrenching frustration. I still binge-eat. I still am measured by my appearance when around my own family (maybe that’s not the only measure, but it is always a topic of discussion and it stings as much as it always did). I still reject my husband’s very generous and genuine adoration, thinking not that he’s being insincere, but that his standards are too low.

But today I thought I’d be brave. I’m not Cheetara (I tried to be a few years ago when I joined an online community of folks trying to fix their lives through diet and exercise). I am, however, a very kind and open woman who sees beauty in all bodies but my own. So here I am.

Age: 32
Pregnancies: 4 (one terminated, two births (ages 7.5 and 3.5), one miscarriage at 8 weeks)
Time spent breastfeeding: 4 months with oldest child, 7 months with youngest — breast size (happily) shrunk after

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11 Responses to “I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)”

  1. sarah Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    i don’t know what’s to ridicule! YOU LOOK FREAKIN FABULOUS!

  2. mrs. petunia Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    You look really amazing and strong and sexy!

  3. Catherine S Says:
    September 18th, 2010 at 6:53 am

    I am 33 and have two little boys and our figures are very similar! I actually like my body now and think yours is quite striking and fabulous. Kinda funny how birth and motherhood can inspire us to “bare it all.” Like you as well, I definitely appreciate my own body’s ability to birth one baby by cs and one via vbac. I hope you are able to see your physical beauty some day soon, and your inner loveliness is quite obvious to me:)

  4. Tabi Says:
    September 18th, 2010 at 8:32 am

    SEXY!!!

  5. Ashley Says:
    September 18th, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    I remember the Thunder Cats! That was my favorite cartoon as a kid :) I wanted to be Lion-O… not sure what that says about me lol, I was him for Halloween twice. You look great!

  6. badgermama Says:
    September 19th, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Love the photos! But even more I love how you still think of wanting to be Cheetara! She was damn cool.

  7. Emma Says:
    September 20th, 2010 at 5:45 am

    I think you look awesome and very sexy.

    You definitley have nothing to be ashamed off, just try to love your self and you´ll notice that some people don´t care but most love you for being you

  8. Shelly Says:
    September 20th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    You look fantastic. How do you do it?

  9. GG Says:
    September 20th, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    omg you look amazing. I go teary when reading your story. there is definitely nothing to be ashamed of my dear. You are beautiful!

  10. shg Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    I can so relate to wanting to be Cheetarah! You are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story!

  11. Nessa Says:
    November 13th, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    I really don’t see the problem. I was expecting something totally different than what you’re showing in your photos. Your family is the one that needs help if they are giving YOU a hard time. You look great!

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