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I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)

When most little girls were dreaming of marrying prince charming, or planning their weddings and the names of their future children, I had one goal in mind: I wanted to be physically supernatural, beautiful and virtually unbreakable. I didn’t play school or dress-up or house. I pretended I was a cartoon character: Cheetara, from the Thundercats show. Why Cheetara? Because she was everything I wasn’t — thin, muscular, acrobatic and tough. She could fight or escape her enemies, and she had a team of friends to help her.

In the real world, I was alone. A single child to neglectful, selfish parents. A student in a small, rural country school where I was often the only girl among several boys. I was a binge-eater starting at the age of 5 (to self-medicate the pain of my childhood), so I was chubby most of my young years. I hit puberty very young, growing noticeable breasts by 9 and having a mother too out of touch to support me and help me to dress properly. I was simultaneously leered at and ridiculed by everyone — family, adult friends of my parents, peers.

I was ashamed, and despite many great things about myself, the only thing that mattered was my appearance.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that things changed. Actually, it was when I was giving birth. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling like my body and my accomplishments were working in harmony, not one despite the other.

I can’t say that feeling has lasted. I alternate between comfortable confidence, detached apathy and gut-wrenching frustration. I still binge-eat. I still am measured by my appearance when around my own family (maybe that’s not the only measure, but it is always a topic of discussion and it stings as much as it always did). I still reject my husband’s very generous and genuine adoration, thinking not that he’s being insincere, but that his standards are too low.

But today I thought I’d be brave. I’m not Cheetara (I tried to be a few years ago when I joined an online community of folks trying to fix their lives through diet and exercise). I am, however, a very kind and open woman who sees beauty in all bodies but my own. So here I am.

Age: 32
Pregnancies: 4 (one terminated, two births (ages 7.5 and 3.5), one miscarriage at 8 weeks)
Time spent breastfeeding: 4 months with oldest child, 7 months with youngest — breast size (happily) shrunk after

in Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions

11 comments… add one

  • sarah Friday, September 17, 2010, 1:15 pm

    i don’t know what’s to ridicule! YOU LOOK FREAKIN FABULOUS!

  • mrs. petunia Friday, September 17, 2010, 7:31 pm

    You look really amazing and strong and sexy!

  • Catherine S Saturday, September 18, 2010, 6:53 am

    I am 33 and have two little boys and our figures are very similar! I actually like my body now and think yours is quite striking and fabulous. Kinda funny how birth and motherhood can inspire us to “bare it all.” Like you as well, I definitely appreciate my own body’s ability to birth one baby by cs and one via vbac. I hope you are able to see your physical beauty some day soon, and your inner loveliness is quite obvious to me:)

  • Tabi Saturday, September 18, 2010, 8:32 am


  • Ashley Saturday, September 18, 2010, 11:11 pm

    I remember the Thunder Cats! That was my favorite cartoon as a kid :) I wanted to be Lion-O… not sure what that says about me lol, I was him for Halloween twice. You look great!

  • badgermama Sunday, September 19, 2010, 1:33 pm

    Love the photos! But even more I love how you still think of wanting to be Cheetara! She was damn cool.

  • Emma Monday, September 20, 2010, 5:45 am

    I think you look awesome and very sexy.

    You definitley have nothing to be ashamed off, just try to love your self and you´ll notice that some people don´t care but most love you for being you

  • Shelly Monday, September 20, 2010, 4:39 pm

    You look fantastic. How do you do it?

  • GG Monday, September 20, 2010, 8:03 pm

    omg you look amazing. I go teary when reading your story. there is definitely nothing to be ashamed of my dear. You are beautiful!

  • shg Monday, October 18, 2010, 11:55 pm

    I can so relate to wanting to be Cheetarah! You are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story!

  • Nessa Saturday, November 13, 2010, 6:40 pm

    I really don’t see the problem. I was expecting something totally different than what you’re showing in your photos. Your family is the one that needs help if they are giving YOU a hard time. You look great!

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