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I Love My Son, But I HATE My Body (Anonymous)

October 15, 2010

Age: 20
1 pregnancy, 1 birth
8 months postpartum

I was so glad i found this site, and see that there are many other women like me out there. Well to start off i’ll start my story in the few months pre-pregnancy… i was 18 turning 19 in a few weeks, my boyfriend (husband now) had just proposed, just started a new job, everything was going great in my life… i had noticed i had started gaining a few pounds but nothing serious, my weight had always flucuated throughout high school since i was a cheerleader and had done gymnastics for 6 years, when it wasnt cheering season i would gain a little weight and loose it at the start of football season… but i had never been bigger than a size 3/4. but this summer i had to buy a size bigger, but i just summed it up to being out of highschool, being lazy and not working out. i had also just started a new birthcontrol so i thought maybe that had caused me to gain a little. i also had missed one period, again i summed that up to the new birth control. after the second missed period i decided to take a pregnancy test. it came out positive. i was completely shocked cuz i hadnt had any common pregnancy symptoms. after i went to the doc, i soon learned i had went through my entire 1st trimester not even knowing i was preg. the entire time i was pregnant i never had morning sickness or anything… i had a really easy pregnancy, other than i had used palmers cocoa butter for stretch marks to try to help prevent them, come to find out the lotion had lanolin in it and i didnt know it at the time but i was allergic to lanolin, the lotion cuased me to break out everywhere i had used it and it itched like CRAZY, i tried to resist the urge to scratch but i couldnt i scratched all day and all night. i didnt have ANY stretch marks until i used this lotion and started scratching then they just started popping up everywehre.

pre-pregnancy i had weighed 130ish and wore a size 3/4 in pants, when i delivered my son i weighed 161, so during my pregnancy i gained a total of 30lbs. which didnt seem like it was that bad, i new friends of mine that had gained 80 and looked amazing! so i figured after time i wouldnt look so bad. my husband and i got married when i was 4 months postpartum, we took our honeymoon in gulf shores, al. we had a great time, but everytime we went to the beach i felt SUPER self concious of my belly fat and stretch marks. everywhere i looked there were girls my age looking thin and sexy and it made me feel even worse. but my husband keeps telling me he loves me and loves how i look, i just cant believe him cause when i look in the mirror i dont see sexy. i see every imperfection on my body. every little stretch mark, every area that there is cellulite and every place my body bulges over clothes. even now at 8 months postpartum i still weigh 140, which is only 10lbs more than my prepregnancy weight, but i now wear a size 11/12… prepregnancy i wore a size 34c bra i now wear a 36DD! i hardly ever dress up now because it only makes me feel worse that nothing fits like its supposed to or it jsut shows all my imperfections…

i have stretch marks on my stomach, my sides, and in between my thighs from the top to down to my knees, some have faded considerably but i still cant feel comfortable wearing shorts because of them. and in this weather in ky its been 90+ pretty much all summer and HUMID and i wear pants or sweats everyday. i have a friend who is my age, who delivered her son 4 days before me, maybe only ONE stretch mark, and is back down to her pre-pregnancy weight, wearing her cute little clothes and looking sexy. it makes me feel like crap when i hang out with her seeing how amazing she looks and how unattractive i look.

i love my son more than anything and i wouldnt change a thing <3 i just hate what having him brought upon my body. i want my old body back, i want to feel sexy again. i hate seeing the bulge of my tummy hanging over my pants, i hate not getting to wear what i want.

here are a few pics.
first pic- me and my husband on our honeymoon 4mo pp
2nd pic- my son <3
3rd pic- my tattoo on my side, disfigured from stretch marks.
4th pic-8 months pp
5th pic- 8 months pp side view
6th pic- 8 months pp inside of my thigh

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10 Responses to “I Love My Son, But I HATE My Body (Anonymous)”

  1. alam Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 8:31 am

    I think you look great I feel the same way too sometimes..ur body does not look bad at. All its all in ur head u can find clothes that flatter u I’m about the same size maybe a lil bigger and I dress up all the time! The point is listen to ur man cuz u look great trust me and this body made that cute little boy :) ps. I live in alabama and I have never been to the gulf shore :(

  2. Shannon Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 9:51 am

    From one young Mama to another…girl, listen to me when I say, YOU LOOK FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE that you wore a bikini on your honeymoon…we need more brave Mama’s like you out there! Try not (I know it’s hard) to compare your pp body to others. We are ALL very different! I see people who have had cesareans like me that have totally flat bellies. I on the other hand have had 2 cesareans and have sooo many stretch marks (the ones on my legs are way deeper than yours!), some loose saggy skin, and a cesarean “shelf”. My husband does not care though. They love us for who we are…we made them fathers. If they didn’t love our bodies for giving them the best gifts ever, then they are not worth our time! You look so good. It will only get better! Congrats on your beautiful baby boy.

  3. Marz Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    haha– i had a “WTF– I’m pregnant?!” moment too. I was almost out of my first trimester too. No morning sickness, nothin’. Your friend who bounced right back probably hates how she looks too. We women are our own worst critics.
    I’m 35 weeks right now; I already had stretch marks on my thighs and hips because that’s pretty much all I developed during adolescence, lol. I wasn’t concerned about getting more in those areas. Last week I found one on my stomach, lol… I about hyperventilated. Such drama.
    You look good, mamacita, no worries. Your husband is a good man. You ARE beautiful– everyone’s skin has “imperfections” and such. Men just like our shapes! They’re not worried about a few stretch marks :P

  4. Mommybody Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    I just wanted to say that I feel the same way. I have such a hard time with my body after pregnancy.
    Most the time I don’t dare look in the mirror. When I see your body I don’t see bad things but when I look at myself I HATE it. :(

  5. renee Says:
    October 16th, 2010 at 6:36 am

    I think you look brill! Its not half as bad as what you think!! Me and my man are planning a holiday next yr and I too want to wear a bikini! So I hope I can be as brave as you! xx

  6. Lucy Says:
    October 16th, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    THis just left me wondering one thing, did you take your lil one on the honeymoon or what did you do with him? (hes the cutest little thing by the way, so chubby and happy)

  7. TracyKM Says:
    October 20th, 2010 at 10:53 am

    You have such a TINY waist!
    Sexy is not about how you look. It’s about how you feel :)
    If you don’t like your tummy hanging over your pants, then simply buy higher waisted pants. I would look terrible in low rise jeans, but I wear ones that come just below my belly button. No overhang! And, not too tight either, or then you get muffin-top. Ignore the size number, just buy what fits and you’ll feel much better. Nothing makes me feel fatter than trying to squeeze into what size I think I should be.

  8. Amy Says:
    October 20th, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    You look like me. When I saw your pictures I thought you looked beautiful. I am not fond of my own scars and being a woman who ended up divorcing the father of her son it was hard enough to get used to my own body but to introduce it to someone who’s child I didn’t produce was unbelievably hard. It changed my life and forced me to toughen up. I also realized that I was only getting older and more out of shape as time went by. I learned to love fitness as a daily routine. I’m turning thirty and my son is 4, I have a six pack, and weigh less then I did at 17 (80lbs less than when I gave birth to him)! My body will be scarred forever and I have to learn to adjust to that but I took my frustration and did something about it. I’m so strong for that in so many ways. Find somewhere to channel your feelings that gives something back to you. Maybe you’ll never be the same girl you were as a young teen but you’ll be one bad ass woman. Btw, your son is a doll! Congrats on such a cute little surprise.

  9. Lana Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 12:18 am

    I think you look beautiful. =]

  10. L Says:
    February 20th, 2011 at 9:40 am

    you look great for pp. you are brave to wear a bikini. . wish I could be that brave. Im trying to lose those last 10 pounds to to be fit and firm. Ihave lost all pregnancy weight and then some but my body has stretched out and its fighting me on toneing up i think lol. you will get there im 2.5 yrs pp and still trying to get my body mark. I have similar stretchies from my first pregnancy second i didnt get new ones but the damage was already done the first time. I have come to terms that they will never go away but i would like a fir body so im trying to get that undercontrol. your son is beautiful congrats on him and your marriage..

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