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I Love My Boys, I HATE My Body! (Christina)

November 16, 2010

Age: 20
# of pregnancies/births/cesareans: 2
Age of children: 2 1/2(born:2008) and 13months(born:2009)
Postpartum: 13months as of 10/10

I got pregnant for the first time at 17, before then i had always worried about my weight and at 5’6″ 147lbs i wasn’t over weight. Now i am 286lbs and i cant stop thinking about it. Not only do i feel bad and unattractive, but i know it is bad for my health.

during my first pregnancy i didn’t really care about my weight gain, i guess i always thought it would be easy to lose later. but after i had my first son i felt (and looked like) and empty vessel. i had gained at least 40lbs during my pregnancy, though I’m not sure how sense i was vomiting the whole pregnancy. i was all stretch marked and i hadn’t really lost any weight after giving birth, which BTW i had a csection. and then i actually gained weight after the birth. so after my csection i had that as an excuse not to exercise, that and ya know being too tired and any other excuse i could think of. then me and my then boyfriend/baby daddy got married. then we decided to have another baby. and at 18 i got pregnant right away(9months after my first). and i had actually been put on pills to get my period back, which I’m sure i didn’t get cause of the weight gain. but after my first period on the pills is when we got pregnant. then yet again i really didn’t worry about how much weight i gained. i monitored it a little more but i still ate what i wanted, when i was not barfing cause yet again i had morning sickness the whole pregnancy. and at the end of my second pregnancy i had gained I’m sure at least 30lbs. and after the birth of my second son i still didn’t lose the weight. and yet again gained more after the baby was born and used the excuse again that i had a c section.

now that I’m pushing 300lbs, I’ve gone from a 38C cup to a 44 DD cup, I’m stretched marked to hell, and have horrible back, knee, and hip pain, it really is alot harder to exercise. i tire a lot easier and the pain gets almost unbearable. on top of all that, I’m really scared of exercising alone. I’ve set up dates to walk with friends and they some how always end up blowing me off. and i know that i need to just get over it and go do it. and even if i do lose the weight i do not think that i will ever be satisfied with my body again(not that i was really before). all i keep thinking is “I’m 20, my body shouldn’t look like this.” i don’t like looking in the mirror or shopping for clothes cause its just depressing, when you used to be able to pick up a size 11 or 12 and it would fit now you’re in a 20 something. my husband hates when i say things like this, about being fat and such. he doesn’t understand cause he has the high metabolism, and so hes skinny. and i know its horrible but I’m so jealous of him. he says I’m beautiful, and i just really wish that i could see it that way. I’ve read about a bunch of women who are embracing their post baby bod, and i just wish that i was that strong. and the crazy thing is while pregnant i feel so much more beautiful, but as soon as the baby is born i don’t.

I love my boys so much, they are everything to me. the only thing i would change is i would exercise and watch what i ate while i was pregnant and after.

yet again we are talking about another baby. i really do want a big family, but i know that i need to be in good health to have a healthy baby. so i want to at least get close to my pre-pregnancy size. i just wish that i knew now how to do that.

Thanks to all of you brave women for posting your stories. :)

1. before pregnancy
2. pregnant with #1
3. PP after 1
4. pregnant with #2
5. PP after 2
6. c section scar after 2
7. 13 months PP after 2
8. 13 months PP after 2
9. my 1 year old
10. my 2 1/2 year old

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21 Responses to “I Love My Boys, I HATE My Body! (Christina)”

  1. Colleen Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Have you had your thyroid checked? Hypothyroidism is quite common after pregnancy and it can cause weight gain and exhaustion.

    The easiest thing to do is going to be to walk. Plunk the kids in a stroller and go–around your neighborhood, or around a mall if it’s too cold. Talk to the babies as you walk–explain what you’re seeing, the sights, the sounds, etc. That way you won’t feel like you’re alone and you’ll be getting exercise. Even if you can’t go very far at first you can slowly add distance. Eventually you’ll be fit enough to try more strenuous exercise.

    Good luck! And I recommend the book “The Essential C-section Guide” by Maureen Connolly and Dana Sullivan. It has a whole chapter on post-cesarean exercise programs.

  2. mrs. petunia Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    I don’t know if you can find the time with a young family, but I’ve discovered that I do much better sticking with an exercise routine if I join a class. Like you, my friends and family always seemed to ditch me when we set an exercise date. With a class, there are always others around to exercise with plus it’s just a great way to get outta the house. In my area there are all sorts of classes so, if you’re not into the whole aerobics thing, perhaps you could try bodypump (a weight lifting class) yoga, water aerobics or even a program called silver sneakers (ok, it’s for the elderly but it also works great for those of us who are a tad outta shape or past our ideal weight range). You might be able to find some of these at a local gym, church, etc. Wishing you well on working towards your healthy goals. I know it’s far from easy but I think just getting on this site and sharing your story was a great first step! Good luck!

  3. SAM Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    What I’d say is, you just gotta DO IT. Whether you do or don’t WANT to exercise, you NEED to, for yourself and for your family. I’d highly recommend Weight Watchers — that’s how I’ve lost the weight after all three of my babies. Sometimes it’s hard to see how much we’re eating until we have to sit down and write it down. WW is super easy and the support is amazing. There’s also a free program offered in nearly every city called TOPS – Take Off Pounds Sensibly. They have great results too. Just hoping it away isn’t going to do anything though, you have to make the decision to do something.

  4. Colleen Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Missed this in my first comment, but your C-section scar looks awesome! It healed so well it’s almost invisible!

  5. Sheila Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 5:39 am

    I joined a mother’s walking group on meetup.com when I needed exercise buddies. My husband and I had just moved to a new city and we had no friends or family around and I was feeeling depressed and out of shape. Not only did I find a great group of friends going through similar things, but regular exercise companions. We strap the babies in their stroller and walk for a bit at a park or mall and the kiddies get a chance to play afterwards. I highly recommend checking to see if there is something similar in your area. If not, maybe start your own? Good luck mama!

  6. sara Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    First off, your boys are so stinkin adorable! What a blessing they must be! Secondly, I can totally relate to you. I have two boys and am currently struggling to lose weight (240 lbs) I had my thyroid checked, all the blood work done and I dont have any medical issues, just a really crappy metabolism! I decided 2 wees ago that I was sick of it and started to exercise and eat right. Ive lost 7lbs so far! My problem was that I ate too late at night, right before bed and enjoyed sleeping on a full tummy. whoops! ive really had to train myself to eat breakfast (with lotsa fiber!) and to eat dinner @ 5:30 and no snacks afterwards! I also do jillian michaels 30 day shred. I started out only doing 10 minutes, now I’m up to 20 minutes a day and hopefully I can complete the entire workout in the next 2 weeks. I just want to encourage you that you CAN do it! The more you eat right and exercise, the more energy you will have, and when you start seeing results (looser pants, etc) it will motivate you to keep going! Its hardest to get started but once you do, it gets easier to keep at it. Just remember to love yourself no matter what size and realize that our body image is completely different than self image. There IS a difference! Big hugs! :)

  7. Sandy Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    HI there,

    I was looking at your photos and we could be twins!! You’re so brave to post these. And if you did so because you were hoping that it could help someone..well, it did! I found this website and was feeling pretty damn crappy. I feel better that others are just like me. I will be visiting this website often. Who knows, maybe I’ll even be brave and eventually post my own picture.

  8. Belle Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 11:19 am

    I just wanted to let you know. I was over 300 pounds during my pregnancy.i had never been overweight. after my daughters birth my weight was 260.and now im 180. im stiill losing the weight and might always struggle. but excersise and eating right is the key. keep the faith!!!

  9. Susy Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Wow. You sure have been through a lot.
    I believe that the more we try to restrict ourselves, the more we diet, the more we feel like certain foods are sinful, the more we eat ourselves into obesity.
    My advice to you is to try not to focus too much on the number on the scale, but to try to feed yourself good, real food. Slowly but surely cut back on any canned or prepackaged food. Look up some recipes online and try them out. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post this but I’m going to, becuase this blog helped me so much. Google “this is not a diet, it’s my life.” I feel like it has really changed the way I look at food. Since I’ve cut out the canned crap I feel SO much better. My moods are better and I have energy to get up in the morning. I feel happy about what I’ve put into my body, rather than guilty. You can do it too.

  10. Maggie Says:
    December 4th, 2010 at 12:32 am

    You can do it!
    You’re body isn’t about an age, it’s about your health and the amazing miracle of bringing life into this world. Your body isn’t just for you, it’s for your husband (who obviously is happy with it, he tells you your beautiful, and wants to make beautiful children with you!) and you children, whom were created in that beautiful body! If you keep saying you hate it, you’re going to keep hating it! You love yourself, you love your body!
    Try weight watchers. It works. Also, nix the sugar and processed foods. Eat more veggies and fruit and drink more water. Then, after you’ve lost some and start to feel more comfortable, move more. Get out for those walks. Stop telling yourself excuses (I know, it’s easy to excuse yourself from exercise, I had to motivate myself to get out for a walk today, and it wasn’t easy! but I did it… it gets easier) and get out there. A little at a time. Move a bit more around the house. Straighten up each night before bed or after dinner. I know, when you’ve got kids, somehow stuff collects around the house and in 15 minutes you can easily put plenty of things away and then you’ll see it as a blessing the next day as it all gets toss about again as you’ll have to move to put it all away. Those 15 minutes you take to put stuff away will fly by and you’ll be burnin more calories than sitting on the couch, that’s what I tell myself. It’s something easy to start with and you’ll feel good you moved and good you cleaned :)
    I had a Csection also (definitely not what I wanted to happen!) and my abs are still very weak, so I’ve started doing as many crunches as I can (not many) and then trying to add one each day. Every little bit makes a difference.
    The weight won’t fall off overnight, but it will come off. Stick with something, anything, that will make a difference and you’re going to do it. Good luck!

  11. Anona Miss Says:
    December 11th, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Oh how I feel your exact pain and understand so much of what you’re going through. I’ve been doing a high protein,low carb diet,along with the “Biggest Loser” cardio dvd at night when my children are sleeping and that seems to be working.I’m loosing slowly but surely and trying SO hard not to let me bring myself back down again. Good luck! Your son is gorgeous!

  12. Anon Please Says:
    December 20th, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I agree with a previous statement. You are a brave woman. My body shape and size if very similar to you. When my boyfriend and I started dating I was 5 ft 8 and 140 lbs. Now 9 years and 1 child later I am sitting around the 250 lbs mark and cant not seem to lose any of it. I have tried almost completely eliminating carbs (I will never totally elimiate anything and be deprived) I walk when I can with my 6 month old and now that it is cold I walk up and down the stairs in my apartment building while my son is napping ( I leave my door open and just go up and down the flight right next to my door so I can always hear him on the monitor that I put in the doorway.) Nothing seems to work and it is very frustrating.
    I would love to hear of any progress or luck you might have. If you are up to it and wouldnt mind trading ideas and emails please post your email address so that I can get in touch with you. If not then I wish you all the best and will post and new ideas.
    P.S. Your children are beautiful.

  13. Christina Says:
    January 4th, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    thank you everyone! :) I just got a wii so ive been doing the wii sports til we can go and get the wii fit thing. i havent been weighing my self alot lately but once i start the wii fit and anything else i’ll let everyone know how that is going.
    colleen: no i havent been to the doctor. we’ve been having health insurance problems so as soon as those are resulved i plan on going just to make sure that nothing else is wrong.
    sheila: there is a meetup group here but they havent been doing alot cause of it being winter and all but i’ve been looking into that for a few months and the one time i went to one they had cancelled it cause it was too cold that day. but i didnt know so we went anyway. lol it really wasnt that bad out.
    Anon: my email is chrissylovesthomas52106@gmail.com

  14. Susan Says:
    January 16th, 2011 at 4:00 am

    I have never had a baby but I would have to agree with a previous poster. Get your thyroid checked. I was diagnosed with thyroid disease at 15. I’d gained 40 pounds in 6 months, suffered from extreme exhaustion, and emotional mood swings. It’s a simple blood test and if you have it you can take a pill to monitor your hormone levels. Getting healthy would be a process, but so worth it. Once you get your levels under control weight loss is possible. Also, if you are thinking about another baby you should know that uncontrolled thyroid disease during pregnancy can be dangerous for a fetus.

  15. Jessica Says:
    January 26th, 2011 at 12:58 am

    Take baby steps. I’m sure you move a lot with the boys, or can chase after them. Try to move with them every day, dancing to music, walking to the park, horsing around. And simply eat a little less. I’d focus on the healthy eating habits. Do it for your kids also, role modeling heathy habits. Don’t have foods in the house that are junk, empty calories, etc. Sit down with your kids and try to enjoy it, and stop before you are full. Ease yourself into feeling just a tiny bit hungry aka “less full” than you are used to. The weight can come off without a diet or exercise program.

  16. L Says:
    February 7th, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    You need to be healthy for yourself and your family. I belive that for weight loss its 90%diet 10%exercise unless someone has a health condition it may be different for them. But my experience with losing 50 pounds pregnancy weight was that diet helped me tremendously. Walking is great I have a health condition and while I love to run and do races I can not do it currently because it flares up. I’ve been watching what I eat and maintained current weight. If you do have a condition it may be why you have not been able to lose. Best wishes !!

  17. Samantha Says:
    April 28th, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Before I had my son I weighed 117. I had a physical job and it helped keep me in shape. By the time I delivered I was at about 180. My son is now 2 1/2 and its just now I have been able to lose any of it. I tried for months, dieting, exercise and nothing seemed to work. Just recently I started dancing in my basement. I put on headphones when everyone is asleep and give myself an hour. I dance like a freak, it makes me feel good, and surprisingly, it has been working. Ive lost 15 lbs in the past month and a half. Just keep your chin up and sometimes the weirdest things end up helping.

  18. Hilarychloe Says:
    December 15th, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Your body resemlbes mine so much thru 1st to last thanks for making me feel like im not a freak. God bless you

  19. Bel Says:
    December 17th, 2011 at 11:25 am

    This is me – my body, my weight, everything. Thank you for sharing it. I’m so glad I’m not the only one struggling with not only the way I look but my weight as well. I’ve become so ill since being pregnant and not being able to lose the weight that it’s now a vicious cycle. Don’t let yourself get to that point. Get good, sound medical advice and advice from a Dietician etc. Please update us – I’d love to see how you’re travelling.

  20. June Says:
    February 20th, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I was surprised that your pictures were pictures of me! 4 kids and 3 c-sections, now my kids are grown….but at 5’2 I was 345…I had taken so much out of my diet that it took a nutritionist to tell me that I actually was at the point of malnutrition. Please get a health screening and see a nutritionist. Though my journey is only started after 2 months I have lost 19 1/2 pounds. I am so grateful to my nutritionist that she says fall off the wagon and wake up and get back on and I have……everyone will tell you how to do it but you will find it on your own…just don’t stop looking….good luck and God bless.

  21. Jennifer Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Walking Works! I got the weight down that way before and after my first 2 pregnancies. It’s been 8 years and type 2 diabetes since then.Now I’m excersizing again. I tell my husband “It’s time for WAAAAALLKIIIIES!” We take the kids. They need strong legs, hearts and lungs too. The only thing that really works on the gut is sit ups. But I couldn’t do those right away. I had to get bendy first. Now my husband holds my knees, while I sit on the side of the bed, and I get a kiss for each sit up. lol!

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