Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancies and 1 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months postpratum
First of all, I´m not from english speaking country, so my english isn’t very good, nevertheless I try to write my story and i hope it will be readable. Me and my husband decided that we want a baby and started trying, it took a while, but finally i was pregnant. I was unbelievably happy about that. I was decided to enjoy every single day of my pregnancy, but… . First 5 months i didn’t look pregnant, but i gained some weight so I looked just fat. Finally at 5 months i looked pregnant. I was jogging (I love that sport really much) during 7 months of my pregnancy and later I took a walk almost every day. I felt pretty and cute, until my co-worker told my that i look really puffy and that i have really big belly. Later doctor asked me if I’m pregnant with twins. I cried that day. It finally hit me. I´m not cute nor pretty i´m just huge. I felt like I am some weirdo, who doesn’t look like supposed to. I tried to cope with that feeling. I told myself, that I was not weird, that I was just myself, maybe different from other pregnant women, but beautiful, but then I got a terrible stretch marks over my belly, breast, hips and legs. It was shock for me. I didn’t expect them, since my mother never had any of them. I tried cope with this too, but without success. I hate them. Sometimes is hard for me even look in the mirror.
All my life i feel like i`m not good enough. Not good enough as a daughter, not good enough as a student, not good enough as teacher, not good enough even as a woman and of course not enough like mom and wife. Me and my baby-boy had a hard time at the beginning. We needed to stay longer at hospital. It was really hard. In our country in hospital mum and baby aren’t together all time. They took my baby-boy every night and also in some hours during day. Now I know I should never let them do it and would fought more for time with my son. I`m so sad when i imagine my son crying somewhere in a hospital crib without me. I blame myself for that. After we got home i tried to be a good mum. But my son didn’t gain a weight during first month. I was determined not to give up on breastfeeding, and we made it. I`m breastfeeding and my son weights as he is supposed to. jupi!!! I was so focused on my baby and trying to be a good mum, that me and my husband didn’t spent much time together. Also i had an episiotomy during labor so i needed more time to heal. We didn’t made love for almost 3 months. My husband was awesome during my pregnancy. He was always there for me with kind words about me and my body. After birth he told me that he loves my belly and stretch marks, because they gave him beautiful son. Whenever I needed to hear that i`m pretty he was there for me. I never felt pretty until i met him. He taught me to love myself a bit, but before 3 days i accidentally found out that he was watching photos of naked women in his cellphone on internet. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him when it started. It started during my pregnancy while he was away from me for work, but didn’t stop when we were together. I was so sad and mad. I`m sad and mad. I never looked like those women and never will. My saggy belly, stretch marks… i look so different from them. If he likes their bodies how he could like my devastated body? I`m feeling that i`m not longer good enough even for my husband whom i always counted on. I trust him no longer when he saying i`m beautiful, because obviously he needs to look at another naked women to feel good. I`m just not good enough. I think that my husband really loves me, and also I know he didn’t want to hurt me, I even understand why he was doing it but i feel hurt. I don`t know how to deal with it. Maybe is time for me to love myself no matter what and stop counting on somebody’s else opinion but i don`t know if i`m strong enough to do that.