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I heard, but never imagined it would be like this. (Anonymous)

November 28, 2012

Age: 27
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancies and 1 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months postpratum

First of all, I´m not from english speaking country, so my english isn’t very good, nevertheless I try to write my story and i hope it will be readable. Me and my husband decided that we want a baby and started trying, it took a while, but finally i was pregnant. I was unbelievably happy about that. I was decided to enjoy every single day of my pregnancy, but… . First 5 months i didn’t look pregnant, but i gained some weight so I looked just fat. Finally at 5 months i looked pregnant. I was jogging (I love that sport really much) during 7 months of my pregnancy and later I took a walk almost every day. I felt pretty and cute, until my co-worker told my that i look really puffy and that i have really big belly. Later doctor asked me if I’m pregnant with twins. I cried that day. It finally hit me. I´m not cute nor pretty i´m just huge. I felt like I am some weirdo, who doesn’t look like supposed to. I tried to cope with that feeling. I told myself, that I was not weird, that I was just myself, maybe different from other pregnant women, but beautiful, but then I got a terrible stretch marks over my belly, breast, hips and legs. It was shock for me. I didn’t expect them, since my mother never had any of them. I tried cope with this too, but without success. I hate them. Sometimes is hard for me even look in the mirror.

All my life i feel like i`m not good enough. Not good enough as a daughter, not good enough as a student, not good enough as teacher, not good enough even as a woman and of course not enough like mom and wife. Me and my baby-boy had a hard time at the beginning. We needed to stay longer at hospital. It was really hard. In our country in hospital mum and baby aren’t together all time. They took my baby-boy every night and also in some hours during day. Now I know I should never let them do it and would fought more for time with my son. I`m so sad when i imagine my son crying somewhere in a hospital crib without me. I blame myself for that. After we got home i tried to be a good mum. But my son didn’t gain a weight during first month. I was determined not to give up on breastfeeding, and we made it. I`m breastfeeding and my son weights as he is supposed to. jupi!!! I was so focused on my baby and trying to be a good mum, that me and my husband didn’t spent much time together. Also i had an episiotomy during labor so i needed more time to heal. We didn’t made love for almost 3 months. My husband was awesome during my pregnancy. He was always there for me with kind words about me and my body. After birth he told me that he loves my belly and stretch marks, because they gave him beautiful son. Whenever I needed to hear that i`m pretty he was there for me. I never felt pretty until i met him. He taught me to love myself a bit, but before 3 days i accidentally found out that he was watching photos of naked women in his cellphone on internet. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him when it started. It started during my pregnancy while he was away from me for work, but didn’t stop when we were together. I was so sad and mad. I`m sad and mad. I never looked like those women and never will. My saggy belly, stretch marks… i look so different from them. If he likes their bodies how he could like my devastated body? I`m feeling that i`m not longer good enough even for my husband whom i always counted on. I trust him no longer when he saying i`m beautiful, because obviously he needs to look at another naked women to feel good. I`m just not good enough. I think that my husband really loves me, and also I know he didn’t want to hurt me, I even understand why he was doing it but i feel hurt. I don`t know how to deal with it. Maybe is time for me to love myself no matter what and stop counting on somebody’s else opinion but i don`t know if i`m strong enough to do that.

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19 Responses to “I heard, but never imagined it would be like this. (Anonymous)”

  1. Bethany Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 9:15 am

    I must say you wrote incredibly well for not being from an english speaking country and I understood it very well. First and foremost I want to tell you that you look amazing for being 3 months postpartum and believe me when I tell you that your stretch marks will most definately fade over the next several months. And don’t forget you uterus will be swollen for quite some time after you give birth and as your organs and uterus settle your belly you think you have will go down. I must say you do not have a saggy belly by any means you look great look how great your legs look!!!! Just remind yourself how long it took you to create your children it takes a tremendous tole on your body. As for your husband I am very sorry he hurt you. Maybe if you have a one on one with him and tell how that you feel he may be able to understand. I truly hope everything works out for you and try not to be so hard on yourself!

  2. Autum Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 10:30 am

    My husband has done the same thing to me. Although he says he is neutral to my body, he is attracted to it. Those words don’t justify his actions. I feel ugly and ashamed despite giving him children, because I don’t look like the women on the adult websites. I hate myself for allowing it to hate me and who I am now. Its not fair that men dont know what we go through and they treat is this way. I could go on forever about it, but shortened your body is beautiful and don’t let your husband change how you should see yourself. Men are full of it and will lie. You want an honest answer? Come to us, we are mothers and understand and see the beauty.

  3. Anna Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 10:52 am

    It isnt going to help to know that you arent alone, but you really arent. I know your hurt and anger, I was 10 months postpartumn when I found out my husband was viewing porn. The pain and anger that you feel is so strong! You’ll need to confront him and tell him how it makes you feel, that you are mad at him, and you dont want him to do it anymore. There are measures you can take, and hopefully he will be the kind of man you need him to be, and leave that trash alone and see to beautiful you!

  4. Mari Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Hun, you are BEAUTIFUL. I have the same type of belly and am also 3 months pp execpt i had 2 babies back to back literaly. But it took ten months to make your beautiful boy so give your body atleast a year to heal, if you find any time also work out thats what im doing and little by little i see results. As for the stretch marks over time they will fade! Trust me mine we red i looked like i got attaked by a cat but now theyre much lighter. and your husband , talk to him tell him how it makes u feel and see if he will stop. What men dont understand is having kids for us changes everything our life our bodies and our self esteem. You are beautiful and your body looks great for 3 months pp keep your head up hun :)

  5. Erin Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    First off, you look great for being only 3 months PP. You just had a baby, give your body some time to heal and give yourself credit. I think you look beautiful and a year from now you will probably have lost all the weight and your stretch marks will fade.

    Secondly, I went through the whole porn/naked pictures thing with my boyfriend after I had a baby. I know how it can seem like you aren’t good enough but you are. Men just watch porn. Even if they are single or married. They just feel ashamed and try to hide it but we always find out. It has nothing to do with you. You are his wife and mother of his child. I am sure he thinks you are stunning!

  6. Maira Says:
    November 29th, 2012 at 1:27 am

    At first after reading your story i thought i had written it down. Its so awful for others to tell you that you looked puffy and disturb your positiv feelings towards your belly and pregnancy. I also thought like you all my life that i am not good enough, i also gained alot of weight and got stretch marks, my husband also tells me i am beautiful(i hope he also doesn’t betray me or something)Every mom i see in real life does not have stretch marks on their belly. So why do i have to live with them?

    I was expecting to see a terrible picture of you and was so surprised when i scrolled down. I was like: “what?” Yes you unfortunately do have stretch marks but they definately will fade away! And you have a beautiful body. You have to concentrate now on yourself and give yourself time to heal. You can have your flat belly back and your self confidence.

    I think the problem is the fact that there were a few sad situations which summed up and are now confusing you and you are tired. You have to learn to love your mommy body ad life, connect with your beautiful son, still be a wife…all this is too much. I’m sorry that your husband looks at porn. But that has nothing to do with your body! If a man is that way,it doesn’t matter how perfect you are. he will still go for other women. thats personality and has nothing to do with you. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Its completely ok to concentrate on your baby after birth. he needs you and thats how nature works. Your husband should respect you and give you time!

    You are a sexy woman and believe me you are strong enough to realise that very soon!

  7. Tonka Says:
    November 29th, 2012 at 2:49 am

    Honey, you are only 3 months postpartum and you already look fabulous. And your belly is not saggy at all. I´m not just saying that. You obviously don´t have weight to lose, you just need to give yourself a little more time. I was so surprised when I looked at pictures of myself recently and realized how much my belly is still changing even though it has been 7 months since my birth already. The stretch marks will stay, of course, but they will not always be as red and prominent as they are now, but instead get a silvery, light colour. You have a great body and so many reasons to love yourself!

  8. chris Says:
    November 29th, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Hi, I’m just a guy, so maybe my perspective is different, but here goes…

    your husband is normal. looking at pornography is normal sometimes. but don’t think its because you aren’t good enough or not beautiful enough. I work with all guys, 6 to 7 of them on a crew, all married, all faithful, and every one of them notices pretty women, some even whistle or make comments to each other, and some even visit strip clubs, but I don’t know one of them who has been unfaithful, or doesn’t love his wife. most of these guys have beautiful wifes too! Yes some mothers, some with a little sag or fat, but beautiful!

    And that brings me to my second point, you, or what you have shared of your body, is beautiful. your belly, your breasts, your legs, they show you are a mother, a beautiful mother, and I can’t tell you how to feel, but I’d be proud of all that your body created.

  9. chris Says:
    November 29th, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Strong enough? You are strong enough to write your story in a different language and share it on this website with photos of yourself. I say you are plenty strong enough and you seem to be realizing that yourself. Hopefully you also know that you are a good mum for your son. No one is perfect, so do the best you can with love from your heart. You care for your son, and husband, that comes through in your story. Give yourself and your husband a chance at being parents.

    Blessings to you and your family.

  10. Claudia Says:
    November 29th, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    I just want you to know you are Beautiful! I am in the same situation as you. I know how you feel. It’s hard trying to feel good enough for everyone else. I’m here to tell you that you are good enough. You are more than good enough. You are so much more than you will ever know. Try to not be so hard on yourself. Give your self a break. Give yourself at least a year to get back to your old self. These things take time. Just remember you are not alone. Millions of women are in the same situation as you. We all need to love ourselves more and then we will all feel better. I completely understand what you are going through. I am 6 months post partum and haven’t lost much weight. But I have decided to just do things that will make me happy. And pray for the best. Sometimes we look to others to make us feel good about ourselves but really we don’t need validation from anyone. We know in our hearts we are good enough we just need to believe in that every day. No matter what anyone says or thinks. We are stronger than we know. It’s not easy but just know god loves you

  11. Robertwier Says:
    November 30th, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Focus on taking care of your body and helping it to recover from childbirth. Do not judge your body or your appearance. Porn addiction is a problem, and talk with your husband about stopping. Porn addiction would be a problem in the marriage even if you had a pornstar body. But remember,very few women have pornstar bodies. So don’t judge yourself about that. I am not certain, but it really sounds like your husband is someone who you can work with about all of this. If he is willing to stop porn and work with you, that is very good.

  12. Natalie Says:
    December 1st, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Stay strong, your body will recover with time. You look like many many other mothers. Some of us “snap back” or look like we snapped back, with our clothes on. You don’t need to depend on others to make you feel beautiful. Please get your mind in the right place about your body, do whatever it takes.

  13. Me Says:
    December 2nd, 2012 at 3:50 am

    I am so sorry you feel this way. I know only too well, unfortunately. I’ve had four babies and I’ve felt this way after each and every one. Sadly, I don’t know if men know that their viewing porn actually can make their beloved feel so bad? I wonder because it appears so common. My husband has done the same and it’s crushed me also. I found out after a horrible miscarriage and it tipped me deep into depression.

    I’m now struggling after my fourth baby and can’t even leave the house for embarrassment of my figure. :( My husband has learned to at least hide the porn much better, because it will crush me, but in reality, I know he’d like to get promiscuous if he could. He played up 6months after my second child and the horrible feelings of insecurity and not feeling that I am enough are strong after each baby since.

    Whilst I think he’s a royal jerk for doing that to me, given what amazing things my poor body has done, the physical and emotional challenge and toll, I have worked out that it’s what I think that actually matters. I can’t stop him from straying. I can’t stop him from devaluing me. I can stop feeling devalued though but it has to come fro me.

    I don’t know how to feel better about myself either, other than working on my body, but I know this is what is really needed. It’s the power within us that can lift us over this crap from others. I wish you all the power to do that. You’re an amazing woman and a godess. You’ve accomplished the most phenomenal thing and whilst others may not quite grasp the magnitude of that, and give you the dignity and respect you deserve, please know that all of us know it. All of us women, we know and we respect you and your amazing body.

    You will be back to your size, feeling better about yourself all the time, but don’t let anybody feel it has to happen now. Right now you have to cherish your temple, your vessel for supporting your precious newborn child. Your child needs you, needs your amazing body, your arms, your power. Your child loves you and thinks you’re perfect, because you are.

    Good luck. We live in a world that values women for their ability to maintain perfection, as ascribed by men. Sadly, despite the complete lack of logic to that, we can all be sucked in to allowing ourselves to be valued by that system. Don’t buy into it. Buying into it just adds weight to the next woman’s torment. :(

  14. Olivia Says:
    December 5th, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    I’m going to put myself into your husband’s place and tell you how I would feel if I were him…

    Looking at porn on the internet can be fun, and yes, those women look sexy. But that is all on the outside.
    He LOVES you! And he loves your body because it’s a part of you!
    No matter how many porns I watch, no matter how many different guys or girls I think look attractive, I will ALWAYS find my boyfriend attractive…because it’s HIM! He has actually gained a LOT of weight since we’ve been together…about 40 or 50 pounds.
    But even though he has gained a lot of weight, I still adore him and his body. Even if he gained even more weight, it’s a part of him, and so I will love him all the same! He looks better than any person in porn to me, even though I still look at that on the internet.
    Those women in porn are just bodies to him. But you? You are the embodiment of love, and trust, and hope, and commitment, and sincerity, and the mother to his child, and a soulmate. For all these reasons, I believe he truly does see you as eternally beautiful!
    Those women he looks at on the internet are just empty shells. Their bodies are the ONLY thing they have to offer of themselves. You are a woman he respects, loves, and is attracted to. You ARE beautiful!

  15. Noel Says:
    December 8th, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    My husband met me AFTER I’d had two children with my previous husband. HIS ex is a beautiful Hawaiin girl with a perfectly proportioned body and beautiful…well..EVERYTHING. She’s never had children, but seems to be the type to bounce back from pregnancy with little to no damage. Lucky wench. And the girls he was involved with before her were just as “perfect”…the girls he was interested in dating when we met were as beautiful…yet -I- am the one he fell in love with ;) It had little to do with my body, and more to do with my ability to understand him. :) Anyways, I just wanted you to know, men are quite literally like animals when it comes to sexuality. With the exception of the women they are in love with, sex and love have absolutely NO connection. They are biologically driven to want to have as much sex with as many women as they possibly can. Women, on the other hand, are more biologically driven to have sex with as few partners as possible, and gain the love of their partners. For women, sex=love. For men, sex=sex,. My husband is no exception…if a beautiful woman walks by, he kicks into what I call “reptile mode” and for a few moments, is no better than a monkey. We joke about it even. Once I learned men can very easily find all kinds of women attractive, and still love their wives (ESPECIALLY if their wife had their children..those stretch marks arent just YOUR battle wounds, they are reminders to your husband that HE helped you make healthy children) it stopped bothering me. Its kind of funny now, when I catch him staring at a beautiful womans behind with a blank look on his face :P I poke him and roll my eyes…knowing it’s my stretch-marked bottom that he’ll want to see when we get home ;)

  16. Noel Says:
    December 8th, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    ** I forgot to mention….no man will turn down sex. Unless a woman is particularly unclean or unhealthy. IF he does, its because he is in a relationship, is not feeling well, or is stressed. DONT stop having sex with your husband or avoiding him…wear a covering night gown if it makes YOU feel better, but I PROMISE, if you initiate sex, your husband is going to feel like he just won the lottery. Again, here is a difference between men and women that isn’t spoken about enough. Women need love, they need intimacy, they need praise and they need to feel beautiful before they feel sexy. Men? They are going to think you are MORE beautiful, more willing to be intimate, praise you more often and feel better about themselves if you have sex with them. From experience, when you let your sex life go due to your own insecurities (believing you cannot possibly be sexy enough) you let your relationship go. Men need sex like women need love. Fix your hair differently, do your nails, or whatever else makes you feel soft and pretty, then go pounce on your husband. It’ll make him feel like a champion, I promise. I have found that I feel the most beautiful after a hot bath with scented bath oils, then slipping into a silky night gown that hides my tummy. My husband usually rips it off eventually anyways, he likes my tummy more than I do.:)

  17. Jaime Says:
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:07 am

    You are not alone. I guess it does not matter where you live, we all have the same problems. I have a wonderful son but having him devastated my body. I actually like the way my body looks now more than before I had my son; it is the physical touch that is painful to me now, not the way I look. My husband and I do not get much bedroom time because of it and I have found him helping himself. It does hurt but it is okay, it will change someday.

  18. itgetseasier Says:
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:30 am

    honey when i saw your pic all i could think was that could EASILY be a photo of me. you are not alone here. this is normal.

    i will tell you that if you keep breastfeeding, you will keep losing weight. as far as whether or not you will have the same body, no. no one does. even models and celebrities… they have photoshop. they never look as good as they appear. spanx. photoshop. makeup. trainers. hours of exercising (and not spending time with their babies), dieting, eating gross food. i mean, its unrealistic.

    as far as your husband is concerned, you have to talk to him. you have to tell him how his activities make you feel. if you are a christian person/family, you have to pray together about this. this is a tough battle to fight. but im telling you from experience, sex is so much better, so much more fulfilling, when porn is not included. it takes a while to “reset” but it is awesome. so i hope that everything turns out ok. you are not alone with that issue either – this is a HUGE issue everywhere, and its so hard to fight.

    i highly recommend watching mark gungor. hes got some great videos right on youtube – and hes got great info on men and women and sex and all that… hes really funny too so your husband will probably like him just as much. his “laugh your way to a better marriage” dvd/seminar is awesome. i highly recommend it. :) good luck!

  19. Rachel Says:
    January 7th, 2013 at 9:58 am

    That is so great that you were able to persevere with breastfeeding! That isn’t easy. You look fabulous, especially for just three months pp. I’m sorry your husband has a problem with pornography. It is so destructive and hurtful. Talk to him about it.But also believe him when he says he loves you and that you are beautiful.

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