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i hate myself (Anonymous)

October 20, 2008

So i am a first time mum to my beautiful baby boy harrison his almost 8 months ! i have a wonderful fiancee and everything is going great but i am so depressed i hate my body i hate who i am as a person i hate my shy personality i hate my voice i hate EVERYTHING about myself etc i despise myself i dont know why i never used to like this but as i see it its all because of my body back in the day before harrison i was happy with how i was i was confident carefree didnt worry about things at all now i am disgusting ! i hate looking at myself all the time i am always comparing myself too other ppl i dont want to i just do it and doesnt help when my friends that have babies the same age as harrison are back to there slim tiny selves it gets to me so bad that i dont want to be near them anymore because i get jealous and i get intimated by them and feel just stupid next to them why am i like this i never used to be i understand i have a beautiful boy who i give my whole life for but why cant i just feel good about myself.It was only in the last 8 mnths of my pregnancy that i gained heaps of weight i dont know it didnt eat more i have always been petite so being this big im not used of it i hate it i just want to cry it has ruined wat i used to be..Please someone how can i learn to accept this is how my body is now how can i get confidence back and how can i stop puttin myself down 24/7 and compare myself to others i need to get out of this hell which is called my mind …



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21 Responses to “i hate myself (Anonymous)”

  1. Thea Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Have you thought about talking to someone about post partum depression? By the way, you look beautiful!

  2. 22 with twins Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    I have to say, I know exactly how you are feeling. I myself am COVERED in stretch marks after my twins and was 117lbs before pregnancy. I know that if I could get past hating and wanting to kill myself then you can! What really helped me is that I FORCED myself to just stop thinking about it ALL THE TIME! You are mentally torturing yourself and dont even realise it. I did the same thing for months and really thought I needed to get serious help before something bad happened. The way I got over it is I just quit focussing on myself and quit dwelling in my negativity all day. It will kill your spirit and who you really are deep down if you let it. Do you have a hobby? I play guitar and write music so that is always something I can go to when I need to find a positive/good place. To be honest with you, I’m jealous of you. You look amazing to me. That’s why I know that if I could get past my scary looking stomach then I know you can get through this too. Your mind is a powerful thing.. and it can turn against you if you let it. Don’t let it. I would give anything to have your stomach. I know it sounds simple but please, stop dwelling on it!! You will drive yourself crazy, I KNOW.. there are just so many reasons to love your body. #1 is your child.. and when you think about how you hate your body just think of her. Its given you a life you would have otherwise never had.

  3. Alli Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    Perhaps if you feel this strongly, you might want to see a therapist.

  4. Lexi Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    Hi, I think all your above pics exude sexiness. You are beautiful! You are 8 months PP, and ppl say it takes 9 months times twice to get your body back! I think you look wonderful! We are always our own worst critic! keep your head up, and huge congrats!!!

  5. twinmom Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    I am sorry that you feel the way you do. You really have a cute body and I think the last photo is absolutely gorgeous. But I know my opinion isn’t the one that matters.

    It is horrible to always want to compare yourself to others. But in reality, nobody is perfect and you probably have it a lot better than others. I know that hearing that doesn’t exactly help, you need to actually believe it yourself. It takes time.

    When I get down on myself, I focus on my health and my childrens health. I tell myself some mothers can’t run, walk, or even hug their kids because of illness or disease. And I can!

    Give yourself time, you are young. Try to smile and cut yourself some slack. Focus on what IS good in your life!

    XOXO

  6. John Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    You are a beautiful woman and you need to let motherhood be your saviour right now — you have a baby that needs you right now and you need to be strong for him. Being a parent means doing what is right for both of you.. I am not a Dr, but I am a father of 2 beautiful girls and I wish I had the courage to say this to my wife 11 yrs ago – Go see a psychologist or psychiatrist – get some help. Harrison and you both deserve it. God Bless you.

  7. Wendy Says:
    October 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Okay, let’s look at this two ways. One is to say, you know what, I need to make a few changes and then start slowly. Eating habits? Exercise (even a short walk gets endorphins going)? Some moderate weight loss (5 pounds is a good start)? Anything that might get you out of this mental rut.

    The other way is to say that you are okay the way you are AND MEAN IT! You look beautiful in the photo of you reclining on the bed. Your body is healthy, you are a mother, and are in good health (which is more than a lot of people can say). And please stop comparing yourself to other people. When you use someone else’s measuring stick, well, you will just never measure up. Ever. My two closest friends have kids and are fit and thin and oh well.

    Make some reasonable changes in your life. It really isn’t your body, your voice, etc that you hate…that’s just a reaction to something. Stress? Depression? Anxiety? Hormones?

    Hating yourself changes nothing, but will make your life miserable along the way. EVERYBODY, including your slim friends have insecurities and I guarantee they look at you with jealousy over something…its human nature!

    Take care of yourself, your son needs a mommy who loves herself because you are even now teaching him about self-esteem.

  8. mea Says:
    October 21st, 2008 at 8:43 am

    Sweetheart, you are a truly blessed woman. Out of life you have now borne life. none of us are perfect and we never will be and that’s what makes us special. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. You are unique and an original. You have to begin a journey toward total wellness, not just physically but emotionally as well. You deserve to be happy and feel just as good about yourself now as you did before the birth of Harrison. When he and your fiance look into your loving eyes, they see and love EVERYTHING about you. Please see what everyone else here sees: you are beautiful.

  9. Kathryn Says:
    October 21st, 2008 at 9:09 am

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through such an awful time. I can relate to what you’re going through. I suffered from post-partum depression, and one of the main reasons I think I went through what I did was because of the all of the negative thoughts I had against my body. Do you have a community of friends or other women with babies you can spend time with? I think the worst thing for depression is to be alone, although it is what we want most when we are down. I was lucky to have a friend who was going through a depression herself, and she encouraged me to join a post-partum depression support group. I eventually realized, after trying really hard, that I wasn’t going to be able to get through the depression on my own, so I decided to go on medication. It has been the best thing for me and for my baby– I’m able to truly enjoy and revel in her now, and to see myself as I used to. I can relate to what you’re saying about never having these concerns before you had a baby. I was always very confident, but went through a terribly dark period during my pregnancy and after my baby was born, and it was so hard. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to your doctor and try to get some counseling if you can. Does your fiance know how you feel? We suffer in silence, and we don’t have to. It’s hard to take the first step, but you need to to be able to move out of this period of self-hatred. Although I often struggle with body image still, I can look in the mirror now and see a beautiful woman, inside and out. You can do it too! Good luck.

  10. misch Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 am

    As a licensed therapist and also a first time mom who FINALLY admitted after 10 months post-partum that I had depression—please go talk to someone. I can’t believe how much better I feel now that I am on a low dose of anti-depressants. Really–it will be ok! In order to take care of others (i.e. your baby) you need to take care of yourself, too. You don’t need to suffer, nor do you have to. Rock on, hot mama!

  11. Kamaria Says:
    October 23rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    I am sitting here right now crying as I read your article because I know how you feel. I have been overweight and had body issues all my life. I have constantly put on and lost weight.. using every method possible. I first started going to the gym and dieting at 12. I have always been active but always been fat with ugly body. And i always been resentful because everyone else in my family is thin and able to do half the exercise I do to maintain their bodies. However, the year before I got pregnant I finally was able to achieve my dream body through excessive dieting and exercise.. and then I got pregnant and it all disappeared and I put on more than 70 pounds. I am now 8 months PP and i feel absolutely disgusted with my life and my body, i hate blame myself for getting this way and allowing myself to put on that much weight when i was pregnant. I also feel guilty because i have my beautiful son that i have been blessed with but i still hate myself….I just feel stuck and sad.. i am also in a different country from my family and have no friends where I live and its not like if my family members would understand my situation because they have always been thin..I don’t know what to do anymore… I really wish i would just disappear

  12. stricken Says:
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    i know your pain. my last and thid child was born over 2 yrs ago. at my first doctors appt with my first child i weighed 98 pounds. i was hot. i just didnt know it. now i weigh 170. when i wear panties without anything else you can barely even see them streach marks dont scare me. i cant see them for the sagging rolls of fat. my thighs touch. my arms jiggle. i have a double chin. i have three kids and have few pics with them. i hate myself. my husband has never seen me naked. he dosnt find me attractve. he loves me. that should help right. i am a hideous freak. i am looking at all these pics and see noone like me. i would givew anything to be as beautiful as you. cherish yourself and take care fo yourself. oh i have-had post partum depression i still take antibiotics and i still refuse to look in the mirror, or be seen even by my doctor naked.

  13. stricken Says:
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    oops antidepressents! aantibiotics haha! i have learned to live with myself though. i have low self esteem and do not allow myself to compare other mommies to myself. look around for thoes of us that are unperfect itll help! i promise.

  14. Stephanie Louise Says:
    November 21st, 2008 at 11:09 am

    Please don’t say you hate yourself. Thats very sad to hear you say that. Our bodies change from life, having kids,age etc.. It’s okay if you ~dislike~ things about your body but please don’t hate yourself. Hate is such a strong word and you have NO need to hate anything about yourself. You made life :) LIFE! Who gives a shit what anyone thinks or says. Live for you, not everyone else. If you’re always trying to make everyone else happy you’ll never be happy yourself and thats no way to live. Please hold your head high and be proud to be a mother.

  15. Liz Says:
    December 1st, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Have you thought about looking into an OCD related illness…Body dysmorphic disorder? You sound exactly like me, except I haven’t had children yet. I’ve struggled for the past eight years hating every inch of my being, until recently discovering about this illness. It’s only treatable through therapy, but it’s worth looking into. You don’t have to suffer like this, you don’t deserve it, you are beautiful and I pray that at some point you realize the truth in that. You don’t have to be bound up by these lies. xxx :)

  16. aimee Says:
    December 2nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    YOu look fuckin stunning, what are you talking about…serioulsy you look hot, im not saying that to be nice either…you really do…be happy you look this hot after a kid, hell go walk in walmart youwill see tons of women who wished they had your body after kids!

  17. Jeff Says:
    December 21st, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    My wife felt much the same way. It we finally found that it all had little to do with her body, but other repressed anger that should couldn’t hold in any more (I blame the sleep deprivation of new motherhood). It was just easier to hate her body than deal with the real issue. Just my guess, because she looked good, but you look FABULOUS. Remember that body just did something no man can ever do and we are all jelous. Be proud of it.

  18. Amanda Says:
    March 17th, 2009 at 1:49 am

    I really just came across your comment just by chance that someone would relate to me. I live here on Kauai and just had a baby 6 months ago. I have ppd and I refuse to take drugs the only cure for me is being with my little girl nevaeh. I have more of a hard time with my shyness and hating who I have become I am mean to my husband overly sensitive at work I can’t focus and at night I can’t sleep I worry… Again I think paxil is good for others but not for me I choose to run and Swim:)

    I know that this will go away but I dunno… I tried to hang with friends but they treat me different I feel alone too, I have no family here they all live on the mainland. I am going at this alone:)

    Got it!!!

  19. Sadie Says:
    April 5th, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    I am at your website because I too am at my wits end. I hate every single cell that makes up my body. It is affecting everythink I do and don’t do for that matter. I’ve even tried taking medications for depression thinking it would loosen me up. To make matters worse our neighbors who just happen to be our best friends always come over and she is perfect in every way! Even after two children. She wears short shorts and tight shirts and her body is impeccable. I just want to crawl in a hole cause I know I will never even come close to looking like her. I know my husband compares us and realizes he got the fat flabby wife and not the toned, tanned, and long legged bathing suit model. It just really messes with my mind all of the time.

  20. smileyj Says:
    April 24th, 2009 at 8:49 am

    All the PPDepression meds will surely make me feel better but won’t erase the reality of loose skin and stretch marks and breasts so tiny and deflated that I can’t even buy a bra.

    As far as her seeking help…the way that you are delivering the suggestion sounds hurtful.

    Be compassionate.

  21. Lamont Canady Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    hi all, just want to say many people have low self esteem so no one’s alone here but work on your self image & it will be allright

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