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I Get it Now (Anonymous)

May 3, 2011

So, when my son was born, I remember finding this website and submitting a story of my own. I read it yesterday. I felt so sorry for myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt. I was depressed. I read so many “woes me” stories, and of course, the stories of strength and courage. But it never really sank in.

I get it now.

I get why complaining is not only stupid, it’s selfish. I get that the marks I have are the marks left by my son – my life.

You might ask yourself why – what changed? I’ll tell you. My sister was due any day now to have our first girl in the family. She went in for a routing check-up and they coudln’t find a heartbeat. Today my sister is giving birth to her first child, our first girl.. And my niece is born with angel wings.
Maybe I’m angry – well – I know I am. Maybe this is my outlet. But I guess I want to tell mothers who were just like me – stop the bitching. Harsh? Very much so – but guess what… We are a truly blessed bunch who may have given up their bodies to create this perfect little person.. But we got to take them home. My sister will be left with those same marks we all have, but she has nothing to ‘show for it’. She has no perfect baby to hold. She has nothing but an empty house and a truly broken heart.

This isn’t just a message to other mom’s out there – but a reminder to me as well. We were given the opportunity to hear that first cry, see those eyes open for the first time and whisper “hello.. I’m your mommy” (which may have been the most amazing, most memorable moment of my entire life). You are ALLOWED see them grow, learn, explore. Their first smile.. First steps.. First word…

So the next time you look in the mirror and think “God, I’m disgusting”..or “I wish I could just get rid of these stretch marks or this flabby skin” – Take a step back and go straight to that baby, give them the most sincere embrace you have ever given in your life – and be thankful you got to take your reason for looking like that home and your wish isn’t “I wish I didn’t have to go to a grave to visit her” or “I wonder what she would have looked like..who’s smile she would have had..”.

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18 Responses to “I Get it Now (Anonymous)”

  1. Corinne Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Thank you so much for this message, I cannot imagine what heartbreak your sister and whole family are going through.

    I can still see why this site is important for so many women as accepting who we are and how we change through childbirth is a big step to take, but everyso often it is good to be reminded of the important things in life and that our self-doubt and body worries are silly in comparison to the big picture.

  2. Amanda Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Hugs to you & your sister. <3

  3. Erika Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so thankful I found this website. My husband and I just decided to have a baby. I will keep your words and all the other wonderful stories in mind. I think I was in for a shock had I not read these today…I’m not sure what I was expecting. God Bless you and all the other women that are so brave to share your life with us.

  4. Karla Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    :( there are no words…

  5. Dee Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I cry every time I read anything about child loss. I had a great pregnancy and birth and now have the most precious little girl, but just the thought of that happening to me always get to me.

    You are so right. Every single mother should be so grateful that they get to have their child after all that work because others aren’t so lucky.

    This is a bittersweet reminder to me and hopefully others that I should be soo grateful even when I have a migraine and my baby won’t stop crying and the dishes are piling up and wish I could just get away from everything for a while because I get to hear that cry and I get to comfort her.

    I am so sorry for your sister and whole family. I don’t think I would be okay after that, but I hope she is. Thank you for the post.

  6. lisa Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    my youngest daughter was stillborn and i know that heartbreak. i would take a million stretchmarks, however many pounds, flabby skin, WHATEVER to have her back, to see her eyes, to hear her call me mama, to hear her laugh, feel her breathe against me as i hold her, to smell that wonderful baby smell on her. i will never understand how women can mourn the loss of their figures when there are those of us who have to mourn the loss of our child. good luck to your sister and all of your family. hugs!

  7. Amy Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    This is probably my favorite SOAM post ever. Thank you!

  8. Sheila Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Thank you for this very sad, but beautifully written post.
    I always say that a lot of people are missing a very important thing in their life, and that thing is called PERSPECTIVE.
    You have given all of us perspective on what truly matters in our lives, so thank you for the reminder!

  9. Kayla Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    This for me really hit home. My daughter is a month old tomorrow, and I saw her first smile today. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. When she was born, she wasn’t breathing. Her heart rate was in the low 40′s and they honestly didn’t think she was going to make it. But through the grace of God my beautiful little girl is here today. I have been bitching and complaining about my body for the last month. Now I too realize how stupidly selfish I have been. I have been depressed..for what reason? We are all healthy. My husband loves the two of us and is a wonderful man. I am so very sorry for your entire family’s loss. I can’t even imagine. She will be in my prayers. I hope I can keep this in the back of my mind every time I look in the mirror and be thankful that I do have these stretch marks and saggy skin.

  10. Jen Says:
    May 3rd, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I am SO glad you wrote this. I lost a baby boy at 34 weeks 3 years ago. I found this site because of the wreck my body was left in after the delivery. I found myself thinking many of the things you wrote. Many women are so lucky to have a baby yet will never feel how truly lucky they are. I have another baby boy now who is 4 months old this week. My body is even more stretched out, hangy skin, etc but I won’t dare complain. I can go pick up my baby and see his sweet smile and that’s all that matters. He’s healthy and here with me.

  11. shannon Says:
    May 4th, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I am so sorry for your sister. My son passed away when he was 19 months old. I get so mad at myself when I look at my body and think “I am so ugly”…I love my stretchmarks because they are mostly from him (I have another son as well), I am not fond of the loose skin…but I would take 20 inches of loose skin to have my baby boy back. My heart goes out to your sister…there is nothing worse than the loss of a child…no matter the age :(

  12. anonymous Says:
    May 4th, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Thank you for this. It was honest and pure and very true. Easily the best thing I have ever read on here. I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

  13. Melissa Says:
    May 4th, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Your amazing and well written. Thank you!

  14. Monica Says:
    May 8th, 2011 at 12:24 am

    From a mom who has experienced 2 full-term losses, and 2 full-term ‘miracles’, thank you for your insight. I live in a world where I mentor other moms to just get through day-to-day after losing their children — via miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. These “ugly marks” are one of the only remembrances we have that our children did exist. They are truly beautiful. And, so are you :)

  15. Amy Says:
    May 14th, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    It’s the worst thing there is, and my flabby weak new body reminds me every day of what I lost.

  16. lisermo Says:
    September 5th, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Thank you for this. I am 5 months post-partum and have been really unhappy with my post-baby body, especially with an impending class reunion next week. I had a miscarriage 2 months prior to giving birth to my sweet little girl and I am so grateful to be able to hold this baby. My sister has lost 3 babies in the past 2 years and it is just an awful thing to experience. Thank you for reminding me that my body has performed a miracle. Who cares about the fat when I have the most beautiful little smiley girl that would love me no matter what? :)

  17. Amber Says:
    April 22nd, 2012 at 7:43 am

    I am crying. I lost two babies myself and this is how I feel every single day. Thank you.

  18. sian Says:
    October 17th, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    im crying to! my god that is true you just sunk it in! I have lost a child threw miscarriage at 20 weeks so small and beautiful I never thought of it like that I am gratefull for my children but didn’t see it like that..thank you thank you so so much I am so sorry for your sister there r no words I can utter to help the pain u and ur family r feeling. though that babies soul will come back to her im sure. it hurt so much that after my miscarriage I fell pregnant again within the 3 month gap so chances of him living where slim I smoked ciggarets my whole pregnancy everyday thinking is this the day will loose him I used to get the worst looks from people n abuse for smoking no one knew my pain people assumed I smoked cus I didn’t want my baby when it was the opposite I was so scrared of loosing him but he is here now im feeding him at the moment

    he was a healthy 10 pound 9 days overdue, darling please watch ur sister especially if/ when she falls pregnant again its almost just as bad as loosing your child. the trauma of 2 days labour to birth a child and only walk out with a teddy bear was the hardest thing il ever face I fell her pain I really do im so sorry

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