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I Don’t Think I Will Ever Come to Love this Body (Carrie)

September 4, 2010

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies and 3 births.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 1/2 year old daughter, 4 year old daughter, and 2 year old son.

So, where do I start? I found out I was pregnant at the very young age of 15. I was not dating her dad and he went active duty Army, so he got stationed in Colorado. Far from our hometown in Indiana. I felt like, great.. he’s getting off easy. He then found out he was deploying and we decided to try and make this work. This was in 2003. Our daughter was born on Christmas Day that year. I was then 16. He came home from deployment when our daughter was 4 months old, that is when he first saw her. We decided that I would move to Colorado with him, even though I was only 16. My mom protested, but it happened anyway. We married on my 17th birthday in 2004.

When I was 18, my husband deployed again. We found out we were pregnant again just 3 days after he left. He came home when I was 7 months pregnant. We had another baby girl in May of 2006. 2 weeks after her birth, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Then, a week later we had to move across the country to North Carolina. With a toddler, and a baby not even a month old, and just having surgery, the move was no fun at all.

Fast forward 2 more years later, and another move down to Georgia, we were finally pregnant with our son. This pregnancy, my stomach grew larger than before, but still I delivered at a weight of 157. That was my ending weight with all 3 of my pregnancies. Well, the 2 times before I stayed around the low 140′s after having my children, not this time! I EBF for the first 2 months, found out I wasn’t producing NEALY enough milk, so I had to switch to bottle feeding. My milk dried up IMMEDIATELY! It made me very sad, which I read is very common. Anyway, to the point.. After my son was around 9 months, I had gained 20 pounds! I was then 175 lbs! The heaviest I have ever been in my whole life, even being pregnant! I then found out I have a hypothyroid. Which explained my low metabolism, no energy, not being able to sleep, mood swings… and the list goes on. I thought, great! now I will finally be able to get something done with the medication! WRONG! The medication didn’t help me at all. My doctors don’t seem to care, either. So, here I am. My son is 2 years old. I now weigh 167 and that is AFTER taking Adipex for 7 months straight! How can that be? And I work out a good amount. I am trying the P90X to no avail. I can’t help but be depressed! I would be happy if I could just fit into my clothes right. Where I could get dressed and not stare in the mirror at how horrible I look. I am at a loss at what to do now. I have even had thoughts of trying to be bulimic or anorexic. Which lucky for me, have only been thoughts. I know I could not EVER do that!

So, with this. I hope that my story relates to at least 1 person. I wish I could say I am becoming closer to accepting my body, but I know that is a lie. I absolutely hate my body and know I will until I at least lose 25-30 lbs. I wish I could wake up 1 day and have my energy, motivation, or just plain out not be tired all the time! Oh, and yes.. I am still married to my wonderful husband. It has been over 6 years now, and I see many more years in the future.

PICTURES:
1ST AND 2ND – ME PRE PREGNANCY DAYS WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT
3RD – 4 DAYS BEFORE I DELIVERED MY SON
4TH, 5TH AND 6TH – ME TODAY

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7 Responses to “I Don’t Think I Will Ever Come to Love this Body (Carrie)”

  1. LeedleFishy Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Hi Carrie. I haven’t been on this site in a few months but I’m glad I stopped by today so I could see your post. : ) First off, hugs to you — I definitely can relate! I get really down about how I look, and it’s hard to be motivated to *do* anything about it. And second, this is gonna be a long note, lol…

    The thing that’s really amazing to me is that your current pics look almost exactly like me! I showed one to my husband and asked him if it was me or not, and (other than realizing the sink isn’t ours, lol) he couldn’t tell. So, really, you’re not alone in looking or feeling this way.

    I wish I had awesome advice for you but I probably don’t since I’m in the same boat. I think it *is possible* for us to change our bodies, though, and I know in my heart that if we’re going to do that, we’re going to have to change our minds first.

    Changing what I believe sounds like a lot of work, and honestly I don’t want to do it. But if you imagine how much more we could *live* if we were lighter, and how much we could love our bodies and enjoy life with our babies… well… that makes it sound a little more doable. And a lot more worth it.

    I’m 5′ 7″ and right now am 212lbs. My goal weight is 150lbs, which I haven’t been in over 5 years. I’m 25 years old and my little guy is 16 months old. I’m not sure what your goal weight is, but I’m genuinely impressed that you’ve had THREE little ones and look as good as you do. <3

  2. Lisa Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    I’m sorry you are going through such issues with your body… Please do NOT become bulimic.. it will only make things WORSE!!
    I would like to recommend a book called “Eat To Live”… it is an amazing book that changed my life. The pounds literally melted off of me without even working out!!! I’m also very sorry your doctors aren’t helping you much….
    You can order the book off of Amazon.. like I said it’s a GREAT book and literally changed my way of looking at food… You are beautiful no matter if you weigh 160 or 120… try not to let the numbers rule your life.. I know it’s hard I have really struggled my entire life..

  3. Colleen Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    If your doctor won’t seriously try to help you with the hypothyroid issues, you need to see someone else. My mom has permanent hypothyroidism (like, her thyroid is completely inactive), and she’s so much happier and healthier when it’s under control. Please see another doctor (a civilian one, if need be, and if you can afford it), because you shouldn’t have to deal with this. They CAN control it and it’s silly for you to suffer needlessly.

  4. Gillian Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Sorry I haven;t got any magic bullet, but did want to point out that your legs still look amazing!

  5. Erin Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Hi, Carrie! I had thyroid issues after my first that made it very difficult to lose weight. Your thyroid is very important to regulating so many of your body’s processing and functions that if it isn’t working right, you may cause damage over a long period of time. If you don’t think your medication is working, your doctor should be switching it or adjusting the dosage. If your doctor doesn’t seem to care, I would find a new one, or maybe even ask for a referral to an Endocrinologist.

    You look beautiful! I worry more for your health if something is off with your thyroid.

  6. Carrie Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Thanks you all :).
    I really adore this site and it makes me realize how not alone I am. But, I keep seeing everyone saying how they have come to love themselves and I have tried telling myself that I love my body the way it is, but I know it is a lie. I’m sure my hypothyroid probably has something to do with it, making me “depressed” and tired, which in turn makes me hate my body even more. We are moving soon, so hopefully a doctor will help me there. I find it insane that I can eat less than most people and still gain 5 pounds in a week if I am not extremely careful.

  7. Marz Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Take it from someone who’s had bulimia/anorexia for 13 years: you’re MUCH happier without either one. It makes you more and more depressed, until you don’t give a shit if you live anymore.
    Talk to another doctor about your thyroid– the purpose of that medicine is to work, so if it’s no working they should put you on something else!

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