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I Am So Many Things (Anonymous)

January 22, 2014

Even if being a mother hasn’t come naturally to me, I’m thankful that my body was able to grow and bless me with children. They are my reason for living. They are my everything.

Let me start by saying that motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be. When I was growing up, I thought being a good mother was an instinct; I was convinced I’d know the ins and outs of it all, never questioning my own actions and how they affected my children. I thought I would give birth and once my baby arrived, life would continue on as it did before. Nobody warned me that the life you knew before pregnancy and birth ends once your baby is in your arms. Your previous life is no more. YOU are reborn. When I got pregnant with my son, I fussed over everything I ate and drank. I obsessively avoided things in my diet that I thought would harm him. When I delivered him, he was perfect. As he grew and developed, we were told we needed to get him evaluated for his “delays”. He was a late-bloomer for his speech and social skills (and still is, but is coming along). He is now 4, going to preschool, and his speech improves every single day. I’m amazed at the improvements he has made and he is and always will be my favorite little man. He is happy, funny and can always bring a smile to my face. When my son was 2.5, I unexpectedly got pregnant with my daughter. My pregnancy with her was much different. Things in my personal life were going very, very wrong and I was very stressed out and depressed. I wasn’t in a good place, to say the least. My diet sucked. My attitude sucked. My outlook sucked. I really feel like I did my daughter an injustice in this way and I still feel guilt over it. The only thing that kept me going were my son and daughter. As my daughter grew inside of me, her kicks were a constant reminder to me to be strong and forge ahead. When my daughter was born, things got better. And I can honestly say that my daughter saved me. She saved me from my depression. She saved me so I could be a better mother to my son. She saved me from hating myself. I see hope and happiness when I look at her. She’s my reminder of what I could’ve lost and what I gained. When I see my kids together, I see all the things I have to look forward to. Motherhood has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I constantly second-guess myself. I make myself feel guilty for the things I wish I could do better for my kids. I feel bad when I need a break from them. Mostly, I feel extremely blessed that God has given me such beautiful, amazing children. Motherhood hasn’t come naturally to me. It is a daily struggle of questioning my actions and decisions as a parent. It’s hard. It’s a constant challenge. It’s something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’m also different now. Being a parent changes you in so many ways. Your priorities are different; you don’t come first anymore, your children do. Your attitude is different. Your opinions change. Things I said I would NEVER do in my early 20′s I’ve now done countless times. I may not be the same, but I never want to be the person I was before kids. I’m better because I’m a mother. I’m forever thankful for them.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 and 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 and 16 months

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3 Responses to “I Am So Many Things (Anonymous)”

  1. Meghan Says:
    January 24th, 2014 at 11:24 am

    I knew I was going to like your post by the title… before I even read it! Very beautifully written! I can definitely relate to the incredible amount of self doubt when it comes to motherhood! Our children definitely are the greatest gifts that could ever be given to us, even if we struggle with how to handle them at times! Wonderful post, thank you for sharing! And your mother shape is beautiful!

  2. Jessica Says:
    January 25th, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Thank you for this. As a 23 year old mother of two (5.5 and 7 months) I hear you on the constant challenge/most important thing ever. Right now I am exhausted, just wanting to sit down with a glass of wine and talk with my family, and yet I am bouncing in the dark with my baby on my back feeling like jumping out of my own skin. Somehow, it is worth it. It has to be.

  3. natalie Says:
    January 26th, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    All I can say is amen to this. My baby changed my life forever. For that I’m grateful. There are moments when I miss that carefree life, but then I can no longer imagine a life without my baby boy. He brightens my days with his chatter and nothing will replace his sweet hugs or sloppy kisses. Remember in our babies’ eyes we’re perfect, and are doing a superb job as long as we love them.

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