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Healing Scars (Brandi)

November 12, 2012

Brandi, 25, 2 pregnancies, 2 births, 3yo and 2mo

In 2005 I got married. It was a whirlwind romance and being 18 I was certain I was in love. He was kind, affectionate, everything you expect to find in your prince charming. We met in Febuary and were married in December. Less than 6 months later everything started going south. Before I knew it I was trapped in an abusive relationship. Every day was an onslaught of your ugly, your fat, your lazy, your stupid, and a neverending string of name calling. And when he would drink (3+ nights a week) it would get worse, turning physical on more than one occassion. I tried to leave but was brainwashed to think I couldn’t make it without him and that nobody else would want me. I was damaged goods. Four years later, when I did get the nerve to leave, weeks before I was going to skip town, I found out I was pregnant. The entire SIX months of pregnancy I was still under a gunfire of mental and verbal abuse. “Your lucky your pregnant or you would be going down the stairs”…not to mention the constant accuasions that the baby wasn’t his. During the pregnancy I got ONE stretchmark. On my tummy, to the right of my belly button. I cherished it. It was a constant reminder of my little one and the challenges we had to overcome. He was 12 weeks early, weighed 2lbs and was 15in long. 11 weeks in the NICU later he finaly came home. Best Christmas Eve of my life. My start weight was about 140 and at delivery I weighed 180. 6mo post partum and I still hadn’t lost the baby weight which was just fuel to the “fat lazy bitch” fire. 9mo pp an opportunity arose and I was finaly able to free myself (and our son) from his hold.

Just over a year ago, I met someone new. He is amazing. Good with my son, good to me, and all around good guy. And he doesn’t drink. At. All. 4mo into the relationship, I got pregnant. Wasn’t really an accident, but not planned either. I was terrified. After all the drama with my first being early, not losing the weight from him and topping it off with losing my job I didn’t know what would happen. But he has stuck thru. In September I gave birth 3 weeks early to a beautiful 9lb 2oz baby boy. I went from 180 to over 200lbs. My body has suffered horribly. I have stretchmarks on my breasts, my arms, my legs, and from belly button to butt crack on both sides. I feel horrible. I know it isn’t true but I can’t shake the thought that if I was unattractive (according to my ex) before, I can’t imagine how aweful I must look now. I’ve already lost the baby weight, but the skin is still there. My boyfriend tells me every day how beautiful I am, how he is still attracted to me, how smart I am…everything every woman wants to hear. But it just bounces off. I know it will never be the same as it was when I was 18 or even when I was 24. I’m slowly accepting my new body, and having a super supportive partner is helping. But is it a long process. I’m looking forward to the day when I can look at myself after a shower and say “I look good”

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7 Responses to “Healing Scars (Brandi)”

  1. mrspetunia Says:
    November 13th, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    You are so pretty and have great breasts!!! Glad you finally found the man you deserve. Keep working on the acceptance towards your new body. Your body is beautiful and with a little determination and lotta support, I think you will come to see that as well! Good luck, girl!

  2. Jan Says:
    November 13th, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    You are a very attractive woman! All the best in your healing journey!

  3. Yesenia Says:
    November 13th, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    I honestly see nothing wrong with you!
    You look like a MOTHER who gave life to two precious gifts.
    Your breast are great after having kids.
    Mine look nothing like that :(

  4. chris Says:
    November 13th, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    Saddened to hear about your past relationship. Your ex-spouse was the problem NOT you!!! I totally agree with Mrs. Petunia’s post. Keep moving forward. You are beautiful. As your sons grow share with them that beauty comes in a wonderful variety. While what had happened will always be in the past it is just that, in the past. Sounds like you have a great future ahead. Best wishes to you, your boys, and your family.
    Carpe Diem!!

  5. L Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your previous relationship. I am glad you got away with your son. Good to hear you have met someone new and have a new baby. You have to give your body time to heal. It is a process and some girls it takes longer then others. I am 25 also with two kids. I personally didnt lose the weight from my first and slowly started losing after my second was 1 yr old. It was strict diet and exercise. That is not easy for me anymore. So I have gained a little back and just taking it easy for now and just being comfortable in my own skin. I tore miniscus in my knee trail running so I really dont do streneous exercize anymore. Its a mind thing. Even if you dont feel comfortable with your weight which I still have my days put on make up, do your hair and wear nice clothes. These things help me feel great and then when my husband dishes compliments I start to believe him because I feel great. Let the damage of the past stay in the past. It was lies anyway dont believe them. Its a new life, a new day and let yourself be a new you. regardless of the marksor weight you are a beauiful woman, mama and girlfriend. Just like the rest of us. we are all so much more then our bodies. which I think you look awesome by the way. dont be so hard on yourself.

  6. Kristin Says:
    November 28th, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    A few years ago I was on the same situation with a man that fathered my 2 oldest I now have another child with my best friend. He is adopting my 2 oldest, he has always been there. Saying that I still struggle with feeling ugly and all those things but it gets better after time… You have no reason feel ugly you are beautiful! Your boobs are perfect! :p

  7. Sarah Says:
    January 12th, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    To be honest your stretch marks look pretty to me :) It really looks like a tiger who earned her stripes lol I’ve never seen stretch marks that looked as pretty as yours :) And yes your boobs look awesome lol

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