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Happy on the Outside (DeAnna)

December 7, 2010

I am the mother of 2 gorgeous children. I am 22 years old. I had my daughter at age 19. I always had a very cute figure so the sudden change my body took after having my daughter left me in a horrible postpartum depression. I had horrible stretch marks covering my stomach. I started working out & eventually got the baby weight off in about a year, but the stretch marks kept me down. I ended up having the laser removal which didnt remove the marks but certainly made them less noticeable. I was finally back to a good confident attitude & was back in my bikini and loving myself again! Then 2 years later I got married to a wonderful man & we had our son Sept 27, 2010. I gained about 15 more pounds with him than I did my daughter which has now resulted in more stretch marks and baggy, saggy skin. I ended up with a emergency c section and now am left with this dreaded post c section pooch. I was so happy to find this website to see Im not alone. I know Im only about 5 weeks postpartum, but Im still pretty hard on myself. I plan to work out and get the weight off, but Im just having a really hard time with my self confidence. Right before I gave birth to my son I caught my husband talking to his ex wife behind my back which really hurt me. Now, with that in the back of my head, my confidence level is at a all time low and Im so paranoid since I feel like I look digusting he will think the same and cheat on me. We are trying to work through our issues and although things are better I still beat myself up on the inside. I refuse to let him see me naked. He dosent understand why I run and hide in the bathroom to change clothes and I always lock the door even to shower. I just cant bare to let him see me like this. I seem to be a very happy person on the outside, but I am so depressed when it comes down to it. I love my children and I wouldnt give them up for the most perfect body in the world, but I have to figure out how to accept my body. Like I mentioned before with time, working out, & this website I know I can get there eventually & its good to know Im not alone.

age: 22
births: 2…1 vaginal 1 c section
childrens age: 2 & 1 month

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7 Responses to “Happy on the Outside (DeAnna)”

  1. Shannon Says:
    December 7th, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Our bodies looked very much alike after my 2nd child (I had both by cesarean)…you can see all my pics on here under childloss…just search the name Shannon :) It gets better. To be honest, I am almost 20 months pp and still not happy with my body, but I don’t work out as much as I should!! You are only a few weeks pp…it will get better…and for a few weeks post cesarean, you look amazing :) Oh, and tell your hubby that unless he has a kid with his ex he need not talk to her!

  2. AngelaJoy Says:
    December 7th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Thank you for posting these. What you wrote about your fears are exactly how I feel. I am expecting my first in one month and was an avid runner pre-pregnancy. My biggest fear now is that I will not return to the shape I had and my husband will find me un-attractive.
    Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one with these fears.

  3. Sarah Says:
    December 7th, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Chin up honey, fore 5weeks pp you look great, just think, your body has done some miraculous things and if it were not for your body, two marvoulous little people would never have graced the world, and that is SO much more important than having an ideal bikini body. The swelling will go down in time, and stretcch marks are like medals of honour (I got told this when I was whinging to a mate about stretch marks, he said they are something you get from doing something brave and miraculous).
    You are beautiful and look much like I did at 5weeks pp.

  4. Colleen Says:
    December 7th, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Honey, your husband will probably think your body is amazing no matter what (after all, you DID just give him a child), but if you refuse him any intimacy his mind (and, er, other parts) might start to seek it elsewhere. You will never know that he finds you attractive if you hide from him, and the hiding is probably hurting him more than just seeing your new body would.

    Just a thought. Mature men have a different concept of beauty than silly boys and are often less harsh on women than we are on ourselves.

    Also, just because you divorce somebody doesn’t erase all of those years you had together. My sister still talks to her ex, and our family is still Facebook friends with him. Talking to his ex does not mean he’s trying to get back with her–he left her for a reason and married you for a reason!

    P.S. Your scar healed really well!

  5. Khirsten Says:
    December 8th, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Your scar looks amazing for 5 weeks pp, mine does not look that good at 19 months. Not to mention how flat your stomach is. With the swelling everything looks distorted, not to mention things look different to you than they do to others. I fully agree with the previous posts that your husband does need to be given the benefit of the doubt, though I fully understand where you are coming from. Best of luck and congrats!

  6. Marz Says:
    December 8th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    You might want to talk to your doctor about the possibility of PPD. Putting on a happy face when you’re miserable inside (for whatever reason)is not healthy for you or your relationship. I hated my body for over a decade: starved it, restricted it, even cut it. I stopped all that when I got pregnant but I couldn’t stop the anxiety I felt about how I looked.
    The doctor put me on zoloft for the anxiety (I had a panic attack in the room with him), and I definitely feel a difference. I don’t *have* to weigh myself. I don’t *have* to look perfect.
    I’m not saying run to medication right away. You should talk to your husband honestly about how you feel about your body. Don’t be afraid that pointing out what you’re embarassed about will draw his attention to those areas. I hid myself from my husband too a few times (he refused to let me feel bad about myself and busted the lock). Just hiding from him instead of giving him a chance to accept you as you are sends this message that you don’t want him in your life.
    For what it’s worth, you look great for 5wks PP. At five weeks your body hasn’t even lost all the added fluids and with the surgery you’re probably still experiencing some puffiness.

  7. Amanda Says:
    December 8th, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Our bodies are very similar. I have more stretch marks but this is exactly how my tummy looks. It is hard to let someone love your body when you do not. I am currently feeling the same way, I get embarrassed when my husband sees my body. It’s silly really when you think about it, because my body is what gave us our beautiful daughter. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to look great right away. We’re human beings and busy moms. Looking good would be great but we also have bigger things to worry about… easier said than done.

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