The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

FYI – Comment Approvals and Tummy Tucks

March 1, 2010

I will no longer be approving comments that suggest the poster should consider a tummy tuck unless the poster has specifically requested to discuss the subject. PLEASE note that I am not judging any woman who may choose to get one – I have not walked in her shoes, and I like to believe that women are not judging the choices I may make, so I make a point never to make judgments about people who are not me. I will also not limit discussion on the topic and, as always, I will post any submissions I receive (unless they are simply inappropriate – but that’s happened maybe 3 times in the 3 1/2 years I’ve been doing this). I just ask that, when we are trying to lift up our sisters here, we do so without mentions of major cosmetic surgery. Let’s focus on the beauty that already exists within each of our shapes – this is, after all, the only way we can truly change the world.

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

31 Responses to “FYI – Comment Approvals and Tummy Tucks”

  1. BC Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    I agree!:)

  2. Sarah Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Totally reasonable request, I agree.

  3. Brittany Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I think that is wonderful idea!

  4. alexis Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    what about the tummy tuck as a comfort measure for women who have serious abdominal separation? i believe that many women who actually go through with the procedure do so, at least in part, because they are in pain, in physical discomfort, or are limited in enjoying their lives because of severely separated muscles or an extreme excess of loose skin.

  5. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I did specify *cosmetic* surgery. Medically necessary procedures are not the same thing.

  6. Sarah Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    I’m so glad that you are doing this!!! I couldn’t imagine someone telling me, “You need a tummy tuck” or “Tummy tucks aren’t too expensive” when I was already struggling with my imagine. What a blow! Good call!

  7. Sarah Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Edit of previous post: I meant “image” not “imagine”.

  8. I-dra Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    OMG, I would be so pissed if someone “helpfully” suggested I get cosmetic surgery! That is so rude!

  9. heether... Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    i dont agree, you wont talk about tummy tucks cause women are supposed to see a flabby poochy and yes unnatractive belly as beautiful? I think thats nonsense…

    if you got your face mauled by a dog would you not do anything you could to make it look like it once did?

  10. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    March 1st, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Clearly you didn’t read my whole post, Heether. Go back and read it, please.

  11. I-dra Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 2:25 am

    Heether, I’m sad if you feel that way about your own body, but the women who bravely display our “unattractive” bellies here do not need your own personal baggage weighing us down, making us feel as though going under the knife is the only way to be socially acceptable or attractive. I see no correlation between a postpartum belly & a face mauled by a dog. to make such a comparison is unbelievably insensitive.
    Every woman here is so amazingly beautiful, because our bodies have done something truly miraculous.

  12. kalindi Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 2:34 am

    im sorry but heether than comment really made me angry. i have a lot of stretch marks on my sides and yes it did take me a year or so to accept my new belly but i do not feel like i look like i was ‘mauled by a dog’ i think that is the most awful comment you could post ‘flabby poochy unnatractive’ ???? i dont feel like any of those. im not an airbrushed model i am a mother with a mothers body, i may not be the most beautiful but i do feel beautiful – with my scars. i found this site 3 years ago when i was looking for help dealing with my new body and thank God i never came across comments like yours then because it would have crushed me. if you want to see ‘perfect’ bodies there are a lot of rag mags for your pleasure here is about the beauty of mothers and ALL THE SHAPES AND TEXTURES WE COME IN!!! :)

  13. monee Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 5:55 am

    I totally agree!!!

  14. sarah Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 9:15 am

    @ I-dra..go you!
    @ Heether…Why do you feel the need to perpetuate the ideals that the media places upon our society? Am I wrong or ugly because I don’t fit into your idea of beauty? I think that beauty is more than physical appearance-it includes the kind of person you are inside. I don’t know you personally but from here you don’t look so attractive. I think your disposition needs a tummy tuck.

    This is a great idea Bonnie!

  15. shannon Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Wow Heether, that is very hurtful. Being mauled by a dog is not comparable to growing a human being in your womb. We got so “flabby poochy and yes unattractive” because we made a child. I understand that a lot of us on this site feel that way about ourselves…but that is why we are on here. To see we are not the only ones, and to get support from other mother’s who are going through the same thing. I would hope that no one would leave a message like that on my photos…I would cry :( We are trying to get the world to see the beauty in post pregnancy bodies that are so hidden. We should not have to be ashamed that we no longer have “flat and perfect” bellies because we grew a baby in them…we should love and embrace them. I am 23 and have had 2 children…I hope that some time in my future women will not be expected to look “perfect” after giving birth…in some cultures bigger is beautiful…as long as you are healthy then who cares?

  16. Kris Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 11:21 am

    I am soo happy your doing this, YAY

  17. Christina Miller Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Mauled by a dog, really? That’s just hateful. Bonnie, I’m glad you decided on this the way you did. When you first started out, all the women were supportive in helping one other. Women can be SO hard on each other as it is. I myself try very hard to give verbal encouragement to all women I come in contact with. I had noticed over time that some of the women on here lost sight of that and were “discouraging” women with comments on implants, lifts and tucks. I believe in keeping ourselves healthy and strong in all aspects.

  18. Laura Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Completely agree Bonnie. Also, I am shocked and saddened by heether’s post :(

  19. TracyKM Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Sometimes a woman asks if there’s anything that can be done for the extra sagging skin, or mentions that they’re trying to lose weight or do sit ups to fix the skin. Can it be mentioned then that a tummy tuck is the only way to fix that? Not to say to the woman–You ‘need’ a tummy tuck, but just to point out the reality?

  20. Newish Mommy Says:
    March 2nd, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    I’m disappointed to see that my reply to the “is this beautiful” post was removed. I thought it was encouraging and informative and supportive. :/

  21. Cynthia Says:
    March 3rd, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Hey all can we back off Heether or is it Heather anyhow. She is going through the same thing we are but in a different stage. You can not tell me you never looked in the mirror and felt disfigured at some point. Well that is what she is expressing. Hopefully in time she could come to love it but she wont if we keep giving her such crap. Heether I think your comment is fine. I go back and forth with the tummy tuck thing and I understand what you were trying to say.

  22. alexis Says:
    March 4th, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I just wonder if a blanket ban on a response is appropriate or necessary. It is Bonnie’s blog, of course. To me, a ban makes it seem like us women must have our responses shaped for us instead of engaging in a dialogue with other posters. If a woman suggest a tummy tuck, wouldn’t it be more encouraging to allow women to come to the original posters defense, or the defense of a more accepting mindset? When responses become taboo, it becomes less of a community or women and more of a private club for those who are like-minded. I would rather see original posters who request that certain topics not be brought up (IE: Please don’t suggest a tummy-tuck, I don’t believe in them for cosmetic reasons.) I think women on this forum have done a fine job of engaging these issues with courtesy and respect. I think it is incredibly important that woman be able to discuss rather than recite what they think is “acceptable.”
    But, then again, Bonnie has to do what she thinks is right for her blog.

  23. Nina Says:
    March 4th, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    I agree with alexis. straight up.

  24. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    March 4th, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Well, but there are other things mentioned in comments which I don’t post, either (and there are a fair few things I wonder about that I post anyway – I just do the best I can in making my judgments). The things I delete are, honestly, very few of the total comments here, but I feel passionately that this is an environment in which we need to be more supportive than in, say, a forum, where debate may be more acceptable (and, I am one who LOVES debate – I learn best by listening in on a good debate). But these women are making themselves naked – literally and also figuratively – for the world, and for anything other than 100% support to be posted, I think, does not cultivate the safe environment. I assure you, I abhor censorship (my children and I celebrate Banned Books Week every September), but I do feel this is one place where things can be pruned. I feel OK with this because of the reasons I just mentioned, but also because if someone has a burning desire to discuss tummy tucks, or anything else, they can submit an entry and it will be posted. All I am asking is to protect comments which are directed to these individual mamas.

    I think I feel like this place is a support group of sorts. We are all sitting in a circle, in folding chairs, with a cup of coffee, and we each have our turn to speak our thoughts no matter what they are, no matter how hard they may be for some to hear – they NEED to be spoken, and we have that right to share them and to begin healing in this manner. Other people do not have the right, when we are bearing our souls in our circle of support-group-family, to make us question our safety and support within the group. But if something upsets them, or moves them somehow, they have the right, in their turn, to share their own thoughts.

    I hope that is clear…?

  25. mollie Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    have you seen roger ebert recently? he suffered from thyroid cancer and he has been disfigured due to the cancer. he can not eat, drink, or talk. he has denied facial reconstruction surgery… he has just accepted that this is who he is and nothing has changed on the INSIDE, which is what matters most. we can all accept who we are, as a mother, someone who was mauled by a dog, or a thyroid cancer survivor.

  26. Mina Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    I’ve been thinking about this since you posted it Bonnie. I do see Alexis’s point of view and to a great degree I agree with it.

    HOWEVER…I think that if I posted photos (without asking for advice) and someone suggested that I get a tummy tuck (or that I work out more or eat less for that matter), I would take that as a criticism of my body…and it would really hurt me…since this is supposed to be a place where we’re celebrating our bodies AS THEY ARE…and the mere suggestion of fixing something would be against the nature of this blog.

    On the other hand, if I were to post photos and ask for advice…a tummy tuck could be in some cases a possible well-meaning response/suggestion. In that case, it’s less of a criticism because the poster has asked.

    I think if this were my blog (and I do love it Bonnie, thank you so much for it, and thank you so much for doing everything you can to make it a safe place for us all), I would not wish to post any comments containing negative criticisms of a poster’s body. Some tummy tuck suggestions would be that (to me). Some would not. Depends upon the post and the comment.

  27. Jenn Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 8:10 am

    I’m really not sure why those who question Bonnie’s ban are doing so…she clearly states that if the person who submits a photo of themselves asks for opinions that include tummy tucks that she may do so and then posters may respond which such advice. I’ve never posted my pics here but if I did I would NOT want someone to suggest a tummy tuck. Bonnie is just giving everyone the option of hearing such information. For those who want such info, ask in the post. Why anyone would be annoyed they can’t suggest a tummy tuck to a poster who may not want to hear about invasive procedures to “fix” them…I don’t get it. Why would you want to post something that might be hurtful to someone who is being so brave posting such pictures. Unless of course the person asks about the procedure.

  28. Alicia Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I agree. Elective cosmetic procedures should not be mentioned unless the opinion is asked for. It is not anyone else’s place to suggest things like that because it is not their body.
    When beauty is defined it is only up to the beheld to decide what is beautiful for themselves.

  29. Tina Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    I think this is a great idea :)

  30. Faye Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 10:43 am

    I would just like to make a note here encouraging people who’ve made it this far down in reading the comments to go back and read the whole post again. This is in response to the confusion re: Bonnie’s words. To Bonnie – I would just like to say I do not consider this censorship, but as you said it, pruning. You clearly make an allowance for women to request advice about cosmetic surgery, and create room for the discussion of operations that are usually considered cosmetic in a practical context (i.e., the use of tummy tucks to alleviate the discomfort of distended stomach muscles).

    Thank you for this web site! You might see a photo of me soon.

  31. Hanna Says:
    March 25th, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    I agree with Bonnie, I think out society is too ready to suggest massive and major surgery for cosmetic reasons. After having a 5.1kg baby (that’s 11lbs 4oz for those of you in the USA-and yes I had to have a cesarean) and being quite thin before my stomach is a mess!!!! It’s saggy and there is extra fat there that I just can’t budge, no matter the diet or trips to the gym, and it’s been almost a year. I have not considered a tummy tuck because I’ve already had elective orthognathic jaw surgery to fix a problem that was mostly cosmetic. It cost me loads of money, was hell painful & in the end I still had to learn to love my new face, just as I have had to learn to love my new body. A tummy tuck would come with its own adjustment, its own disfigurment and pain and in the end I would rather use that money for my sons education. Where are our priorities???

Comments


Support This Site