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Frustration (Anonymous)

February 8, 2012

My story is LONG and exhausting, but I like to tell it. I hope that I can be inspiration to other females that find themselves where I was, and where I am now.

Previous to my night of conception, I was a vibrant young 20 year old female. I was nearing the end of my third year in college, I spent a lot of my time at the gym, I was coaching a high school cheering team with my best friend, I was single, and I never expected to get pregnant. In fact I was not sexually active for over a year previous to this and I wasn’t planning on being sexually active. Which explains why I was not on birth control at the time.

I took a trip to Boston with my best friend to visit my cousin and his friends. We went to a small house party with just 5 guys and my best and I. I drank quite a lot of beer and I remember taking a one shot the whole entire night. I don’t remember anything after that shot. When I woke up in the morning I was clothed and alone in a bed. I was still very drunk and felt awful. My best friend was the one who woke me and the first thing she asked was if I had sex the night before. She explained that she heard someone in the room with me and she opened the door and saw one of the guys was naked so she shut the door thinking she was interrupting. I told her there was no way I would do that because I was not using birth control. Just in case though I asked the guys. They all either denied it or said they couldn’t remember anything. My friend was sure it happened though. I kind of let it slide thinking I would be okay. A month later I was two weeks late and took a pregnancy test. I of course was pregnant. I immediately got a hold of my cousin and asked him what he knew. He told me he didn’t know anything about what happened and to ask the other guys. I sent a message to each guy at the party asking if it happened without letting them know I was pregnant. They all again denied everything. I then let them all know I was pregnant and it was for sure from that night. After I admitted my pregnancy, I never again heard from any of them. In fact my own cousin stopped speaking to me. I am pro-life and abortion was completely out of the question. After a very emotional month, I started to look into adoption.

I love my child so much, and I would be a responsible and caring mother, no question. But I wanted my child to have a father, and a permanent home, and stability. I would do the best I could and my father would be a male figure in my child’s life, but I wanted more for him. I chose to have an open adoption. I started a long journey of finding out what I had to do and how I had to do it. I found a family on Adoption.org. After speaking with their adoption agent for a while, I finally arranged to meet them in person. I fell in love with the couple I chose. They are both in their thirties, they are unable to have children, married for 8 years, and the perfect two people to raise my child. We became very close over the following 6 months of my pregnancy.

Our baby was born November 30, 2011 after 16 long hours of labor. I tried to do the birth natural. I went 12 hours pushing before the doctor came in and asked me to please have an epidural. I was so tired that I had been falling asleep in between the contractions, he felt that I would be to exhausted to push. I felt defeated and went through with the epidural. An hour later I had not progressed and the doctor came back to tell me I would have to be induced. Again I felt defeated. It was two hours later that my doctor returned and said something was wrong, the baby was not dropping and I needed to have an emergency c section. I could not stop crying. I felt like a failure as a women. For years women had babies naturally and here I was unable. Thank God for my c section though, the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my babies neck.

The adoption process was the hardest part. I had 2 weeks of legal custody even though my baby was with his parents during that time. For almost an entire month I saw baby and the parents every day before he finally got to move home. I have never felt heartbreak like I did the day I said goodbye. Thankfully I see pictures of him daily and I will be visiting him in 3 months. I have a lot of emotions still and I feel that emptiness everyday, but I am moving forward in my life.

In picking my life back up, I am trying to get back in the shape. Previous to my pregnancy I was 132 lbs and the day I gave birth I was 170 lbs. I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pp. Due to my c section, I was unable to exercise until this week. Thankfully pumping breast milk helped me loose the majority of my weight, I am now 138 lbs. I have started to exercise again but I feel awful about how I look and how hard it is to work out. I don’t know of any other women who have had a c section outside of older women. I can’t relate with anyone my age and I am feeling hopeless…

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks 4 days PP

Pictures:
The first picture is New Years Eve 2012.
The second is my baby and I two weeks pp.
The third is me 3 months pregnant with my best friend.
The fourth picture is me 38 almost 39 weeks.
The 5th and 6th are me at 36 weeks – pre stretch marks.
The last 3 pictures are me today at 6 weeks pp.

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14 Responses to “Frustration (Anonymous)”

  1. Anna Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I think you look great. Once you can get back into exercising, I’m sure you’ll be back to your old body in no time. You are an inspiration, thank you for being pro-life!

  2. shannon Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. That is absolutely horrible, especially what your cousin did to you.

    You look absolutely beautiful. I got pregnant with my 1st at 19 and had him at 20. I too had an emergency cesarean section. I lost the weight pretty well with him (started at 110-115 and got down to about 120 or less). I got pregnant with my 2nd when I was 22 (another cesarean). After #2 I got the ledge for the incision. I am working on t though! I think that I can get rid of it (as long as I stop eating junk food!!!). You can go under “child loss” and search “Shannon” to see my most recent post with pictures of me if you would like.

    You really do look great. It is a wonderful thing that you did for your baby. I hope that the family is good about letting you stay in your baby’s life. it sounds like they are a nice couple.

    Oh…I too am from New England (just 45 minutes away from Boston!).

  3. amber Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Girl u have an amzing story. Thank you for being pro life. You are ONLY six weeks pp. U will look amazing keep up the healthy lifestyle…

    Ps. Those guys have some kharma coming their way.

  4. amber Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Also I’m 24 and had a c section. Search me. Blessed and tortured. Your lucky to have not gotten stretchoes and saggy skin. ;)

  5. Alexis Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:27 am

    You are a wonderful woman and an inspiration. Young women are not often encouraged to consider adoption and the only stories that seen to make it into the news are the horrible ones. That baby is incredibly lucky to have been born into a loving, eager home and for his birth to have come from such a selfless person. I am sure you will always have sadness about the adoption but I hope you also feel a sense of pride that you did such an amazing thing for your baby – a loving gift few mothers could.

  6. Hannah Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:46 am

    You have an amazing story. I am pro-life as well, and I am so happy to read that you gave your baby life.
    I can’t believe you had a c-section only 7 weeks ago! You look fantastic! And you aren’t alone in being a younger woman getting a c/s. My sister in law had one at 19, after trying for 3 days to give birth vaginally.
    Don’t be discouraged! It looks like you will have a good relationship with your son, and I’m sure there will be many other good things coming your way in the future!

  7. Audrey Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 9:29 am

    *hugs*

    I was 21 when I had a c/s with my daughter. You look FANTASTIC! I remember well the frustration of not being able to work out and feeling so betrayed by my body and inability to do anything about it. It takes a while to heal but I am finally strong again and you will be, too. Your body may never be “the same”, but it will still be beautiful. I am so sorry about your experience, but I commend you for making a choice that you felt was best for your child. You obviously love him very much and I’m glad you get to visit.

  8. Elissa Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 10:54 am

    I had a Csection at 23 and another at 26…Your body is like mine has been and it returns back to normal after 9 months..It might even be sooner. I gained 61 with my first, and became smaller than before I had her…I gained 30 with my second and I still have two pounds to lose and it has been 4 months since I had him. The puffy stomach will go away with time while your uterus shrinks..You look like you may have some ethnicity in you…I am pointing this out because I have Apache, Mexican and Sicilian in me…One of those causes my scars to kiloid…After my first csection I had a thick, purple, red scar where they sliced me open. I hated how it rose off my skin and you could see it through my bikini and underwear…Well my OBGYN told me this time, “We are going to get rid of that scar, cut it out and inject it with a steriod so it doesn’t do that again.” I was so excited and had no idea they could stop it from happening…So if that happens to you they can reduce the rise and thickness of the scar if you want them to. Thank you for allowing your baby to live, he is gorgeous. I am so sorry for your heartbreak and wish you could have kept him so you felt complete, but it is not your time and you gave such a wonderful gift to two people who have wanted a child themselves. That means he will have an amazing life, love and parents. Good luck Mama!

  9. Kim Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you for the beautiful gift you brought in to this world.
    I think I’m one of those ‘older’ c-section people you talk about. I’m a decade older than you, and my daughter had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck as well – I know there is little in this world as terrifying as watching the heart decelerations on the baby monitor before they’re cut out.
    It took 9 months to put the weight on, so give yourself some time to get back in shape! You look beautiful. And your post shows that you also have a beautiful spirit. Stay strong.

  10. Karla Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    You look great! just keep working out and eating healthy and you should be fine! What a beautiful story you have! I’m pro life also and I admire you for doing the right thing for your baby. What a blessing for the baby and for those new parents! God bless you!

  11. Nicole Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Im 24 and had a emergency c section only 4 weeks ago. My baby girl was breech and my doctor didnt know until i was 8 cm dilated. I was crushed but all i wanted was a healthy baby so yes i am left with a scar but i have a perfect baby girl. I weighed 120lbs when i got pregnant and weighed 156lbs when i delivered her. I now weigh 135lbs due to breastfeeding and let me tell you, we look the same. I believe things will change for your body just like they are with mine. Work out and eat right, both will do wonders for you mind and body :) congrats on being pro life, i am as well. I only knew my babies daddy for a month before we found out i was pregnant. I thank god he stuck around and has become an awesome man and daddy. Stay up, life is full of surprises.

  12. kalista Says:
    February 8th, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I was in a nearly identical situation when I was 21 and also had the baby adopted. Here’s my SOAM story: http://theshapeofamother.com/blog/looking-on-the-positive-side-kalista/

    My biological daughter is three and a half now, and I know, without question, that I made that right decision. I hope you are healing well in every way, and if you ever want to talk/vent/discuss anything please feel free to send me an email: kalistalinnel@gmail.com

  13. Bella Says:
    February 10th, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Thank you for sharing your story! Hugs

  14. Chantay Says:
    February 16th, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Let me just start off by saying you look great!!! I had my first child at 17yrs, and pre-pregnancy I was at 135 and gained a whopping 40lbs, I too had an emergency c-section and my other children were born by c-section as well..I am now 22 and have major issues with my weight, but you are on the right track so far and once again you look great :)

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