My story is LONG and exhausting, but I like to tell it. I hope that I can be inspiration to other females that find themselves where I was, and where I am now.
Previous to my night of conception, I was a vibrant young 20 year old female. I was nearing the end of my third year in college, I spent a lot of my time at the gym, I was coaching a high school cheering team with my best friend, I was single, and I never expected to get pregnant. In fact I was not sexually active for over a year previous to this and I wasn’t planning on being sexually active. Which explains why I was not on birth control at the time.
I took a trip to Boston with my best friend to visit my cousin and his friends. We went to a small house party with just 5 guys and my best and I. I drank quite a lot of beer and I remember taking a one shot the whole entire night. I don’t remember anything after that shot. When I woke up in the morning I was clothed and alone in a bed. I was still very drunk and felt awful. My best friend was the one who woke me and the first thing she asked was if I had sex the night before. She explained that she heard someone in the room with me and she opened the door and saw one of the guys was naked so she shut the door thinking she was interrupting. I told her there was no way I would do that because I was not using birth control. Just in case though I asked the guys. They all either denied it or said they couldn’t remember anything. My friend was sure it happened though. I kind of let it slide thinking I would be okay. A month later I was two weeks late and took a pregnancy test. I of course was pregnant. I immediately got a hold of my cousin and asked him what he knew. He told me he didn’t know anything about what happened and to ask the other guys. I sent a message to each guy at the party asking if it happened without letting them know I was pregnant. They all again denied everything. I then let them all know I was pregnant and it was for sure from that night. After I admitted my pregnancy, I never again heard from any of them. In fact my own cousin stopped speaking to me. I am pro-life and abortion was completely out of the question. After a very emotional month, I started to look into adoption.
I love my child so much, and I would be a responsible and caring mother, no question. But I wanted my child to have a father, and a permanent home, and stability. I would do the best I could and my father would be a male figure in my child’s life, but I wanted more for him. I chose to have an open adoption. I started a long journey of finding out what I had to do and how I had to do it. I found a family on Adoption.org. After speaking with their adoption agent for a while, I finally arranged to meet them in person. I fell in love with the couple I chose. They are both in their thirties, they are unable to have children, married for 8 years, and the perfect two people to raise my child. We became very close over the following 6 months of my pregnancy.
Our baby was born November 30, 2011 after 16 long hours of labor. I tried to do the birth natural. I went 12 hours pushing before the doctor came in and asked me to please have an epidural. I was so tired that I had been falling asleep in between the contractions, he felt that I would be to exhausted to push. I felt defeated and went through with the epidural. An hour later I had not progressed and the doctor came back to tell me I would have to be induced. Again I felt defeated. It was two hours later that my doctor returned and said something was wrong, the baby was not dropping and I needed to have an emergency c section. I could not stop crying. I felt like a failure as a women. For years women had babies naturally and here I was unable. Thank God for my c section though, the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my babies neck.
The adoption process was the hardest part. I had 2 weeks of legal custody even though my baby was with his parents during that time. For almost an entire month I saw baby and the parents every day before he finally got to move home. I have never felt heartbreak like I did the day I said goodbye. Thankfully I see pictures of him daily and I will be visiting him in 3 months. I have a lot of emotions still and I feel that emptiness everyday, but I am moving forward in my life.
In picking my life back up, I am trying to get back in the shape. Previous to my pregnancy I was 132 lbs and the day I gave birth I was 170 lbs. I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pp. Due to my c section, I was unable to exercise until this week. Thankfully pumping breast milk helped me loose the majority of my weight, I am now 138 lbs. I have started to exercise again but I feel awful about how I look and how hard it is to work out. I don’t know of any other women who have had a c section outside of older women. I can’t relate with anyone my age and I am feeling hopeless…
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks 4 days PP
The first picture is New Years Eve 2012.
The second is my baby and I two weeks pp.
The third is me 3 months pregnant with my best friend.
The fourth picture is me 38 almost 39 weeks.
The 5th and 6th are me at 36 weeks – pre stretch marks.
The last 3 pictures are me today at 6 weeks pp.