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Do I have Postpartum depression? (Autumn W)

September 4, 2010

Age- 30
Number of Pregnancies – 2
Number of Births- 2
Daughters- 8 years and 2 months

I have always been told that if you have postpartum depression, you feel resentment towards your baby but I do not resent my baby in any way what-so-ever! I love and adore her but I hate myself!
After the birth of my first daughter I immediately lost weight and I didn’t have any of the thoughts or feelings I am experiencing this time. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror and I feel like no one understands. I wake up every morning and cry and I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the way I feel and he just tells me he loves me no matter how I look. I want so badly to be beautiful because I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he is ashamed of the way I look and no matter how often he says he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, I am convinced he is lying. I wonder how anyone could be in love with me now? I have always been very thin and considered attractive and now out of no where I feel like I am hideous. Recently my husband tried to introduce me to a few of his co-workers but I literally ran and hid because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I am completely convinced that he married me because of my physical appearance and now that it has faded he cant possibly love me anymore. I am also convinced he is going to cheat on me because he HAS to be disgusted by the way I look and I know I am not good enough for him. One of my best friends recently told me that I am ruining the experience of having a wonderful husband and beautiful family by focusing so much on my appearance and although a part of me knows she is right it doesn’t help me because she is gorgeous and doesn’t have any children so how would she know what I am experiencing. I literally hate myself now and It’s not really even about me, it’s all about my husband and how I am completely convinced I am no longer good enough for him… Is this postpartum depression???

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25 Responses to “Do I have Postpartum depression? (Autumn W)”

  1. anna Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 8:21 am

    hi,you just described myself.that is excatly how i feel.my children are 4 years and 12 weeks and i feel ugly fat:-( the same emotions about body and husband and everything.and im sooooo in love with my new baby.NO i dont think its depression,its just low self estem at the moment. by the way,you look very beautifull,are this pictures postpatrum or before?

  2. Marz Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 8:45 am

    It actually sounds like a sudden onset of Body Dysmorphic Disorder– it’s a psychological condition where you’re overly preoccupied with real or even imagined flaws in your physical appearance. I had a friend in high school with this and she would sometimes skip school in tears because she didn’t want people to “see what a monster” she looked like.
    I think it’d be really good for you to talk to somebody about this, you deserve to be happy with yourself (at the very least, more often than you feel crappy). If you can’t afford to see a counselor or a psychologist, you could look up where your local Women’s Crisis Center is (yes, it’s for more than just women who get physically abused, I went there years ago to talk to someone about my problem with cutting).
    I hope you find the happiness you deserve, because you are a beautiful woman; and despite this trial in your life, you seem like a very strong person. Wishing you the best :)

  3. Tiphanie Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 9:18 am

    I literally felt the EXACT same way,,, and I believe it could be some mild PPD,, i had it,,not the resentment towards baby,, but i missed my old body and just being able to pick up and go places when i wanted to,,,i felt sooooo guilty feeling any of those things,, i felt like i was a bad mother for not just being completely grateful,, I would sit and ball at night over my soft, chubby stomach and cellulite and i was afraid my baby was going to die. Its not abnormal and you are NOT alone in this, you are lovely,, and learn to believe your hubby when he tells you those things. I’ve learned that having confidence is attractive to men, even if you have a few extra pounds!! best wishes to you,, i dont know if you are spiritual at all,, but praying helped me A LOT!!

  4. Michelle Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Yes, I think so. Please talk to your doctor and get some help. I think you look amazing and it sounds like your husband is very supportive. Please get some help so you can go back to enjoying life again. Best Wishes!

  5. Kady Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Not sure if that is PPD, but I do know how you feel. A few months after I had my daughter I suddenly thought “O my gosh! I look hideous, I dont want my husband to have to take me somewhere with me looking like this! Wont he be ashamed?” And I was sure he was lying to me when he said he was still attracted to me. I know its hard to find the time, and maybe you already do, but some form of physical work or exercise can do wonders for your self esteem and even help your body over time with a healthy diet. For what its worth, you and your kids are beautiful! Cherish your time with them :)

  6. Ashley Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    I think post-partum can come in many different forms, and I also think that feeling down about your body isn’t necessarily post-partum. Seek help if you feel you need to, but I think you’re beautiful. DO NOT let any negative emotions you have about yourself get in the way of enjoying your newest bundle! Our bodies change over time anyways, but your newest little girl will never be this young again! Everything else is just trivial anyways.

  7. Kerry Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    That’s how it was with me! I loved my son but felt absolutely reviled by my own appearance. Same exact thoughts as you. I never got help for it though because until I came out of the haze I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. It lasted 9 months and then I woke up and liked myself, thought I was actually pretty with a nice body and my husband might actually be telling the truth! I think getting help is the best thing you can do, PPD is a horrible thing and no one should have to suffer through that. If you need anyone to talk to who’s been in your shoes or just for encouragement dont hesitate to email me webb.kerry@gmail.com I hope you get better soon hun :) Btw you are gorgeous and not big at all!

  8. nirinleant Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    hi
    actually i understand about how do you feel..me myself had a really great beautiful flawless body before.. then after gave birth to my little girl i left with a big wrinkle tummy , stretch marks, and lost belly button..
    i felt really depress about my body image.. tried so hard to get my body back.. i went to the gym since m baby was 3 months old allmose 5 days a week..i did everything that i heard will help my stomach to get flat..yoga,piates,kick boxing, boot camp,kettle bell,abs class,zumba name it every kinds of exercise i did all of it.. actually all of the exercise and good diet paid me well..my stomach getting flat and tight.. got the same shape as before i got pregnant.. just the skin still remain a little bit,, but it does not bother me anymore..

    anyway i understand about what you’ve been through because i suffered from those thoughts too that i told myself i am ugly..i am a loser..i am fat a lot of negative thought..and i ended up fought with my husband continously for months after birth about my body issues.. then one day i just realized that there is no help for just cry and blame myself…do whatever i have to do to get it back is the way to look great..i think you are suffering from the postpartum depression..and you are beautiful . you are just 2 moths pp..give it some time our body will look the same again with exercise and good diets.. hang in there,,

  9. Cloey Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    I think it’s likely that you do. I had horrible PPD which was connected to my previously undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Through it all I never hated my son. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be his mother. I resented my husband for not helping me more, for leaving every morning even though I hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before, for brushing me off when I would cry all the time.
    Talk to your OB about how you’re feeling and whether or not s/he feels starting medication would be helpful. You didn’t mention but there are plenty of medications you can take while you’re breastfeeding so don’t let that hold you back. There are other programs you can take advantage of, for instance Healthy Start offers free counseling.
    Just please get yourself some help. The longer you wait the longer you’ll feel terrible and the more you’ll miss out on.

  10. vsmama Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Hi! I’m really sorry for what u r going through :( I just wanted to share it took me 3 yrs to get to this point where I love my body…but it didn’t take the physical change to love myself, it took me loving my body for what it has done n the strength…it took acceptance of its change to make me walk so confident out in public. My depression n obsession to be pre-baby weight almost destroyed my marriage…we went through a separation and r only now picking up the pieces. And the crazy thing, throughout all this he is still madly in love n thinks I am so beautiful. I wish I had believed in him more about how he loved my body still but it is extremely hard when u r struggling with body issues from such a drastic change due to pregnancy. Now with the evidence of child birth slowly fading, I am starting to miss them…that’s a whole different place now but I am extremely happy. I hope you find your peace too. Good luck beautiful mama!

  11. Amy Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 12:49 am

    hi- personally i think it might be ppd- mainly because you are only 2 months pp and this hasn’t seemed to factor into your thinking at all- i know when i am dpressed i can’t step away and realise this is only the beginning of the pp journey. speak to someone and remember you are only 2 months pp!!!

  12. Bryana Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    PPD does not only mean you have bad thoughts towards your child, it is just a very common symptom of PPD. It could be anything that triggers it or random thoughts or feelings that are not normal and bring you down. The only reason it is called PPD is because it is a chemical reaction within your brain that is caused from child bearing. It could very well be PPD and I think it is worth getting checked out.
    But for the record, you are beautiful and you deserve to feel beautiful as well! :)
    Best of luck!

  13. Colleen Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    I just had one thought. You said you think your husband married you for your looks and you’re afraid he’ll leave you now. Honey, even if he married you for your looks, he STAYED

  14. Colleen Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    (Sorry Bonnie I’m on a laptop and I’m not used to typing like this! My bad).

    Anyhow, even if he married you for your looks, he STAYED with you because there’s something more there. And honestly, who really marries for looks nowadays? I’m sure there’s something more and now you’ve given him beautiful children, he probably finds you more attractive than ever.

    Please seek some help. Speak to your doctor about PPD, and possibly considering going to counseling with your husband. He is more than likely not lying to you and I really hope you can see that soon.

  15. Gillian Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 12:30 am

    Hi I have post natal depression which has been treated and it makes life so much easier. Even just talking with your Dr or support person can help, if you don’t want/need to go on medication. Medical specialists use a standard questionaire to assist with diagnosis.

    I think anything that gets in the way of you enjoying this time needs to be addressed, as time with wee ones goes so fast, and for the sake of your relationship.

  16. Elizabeth Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    To me, it sounds like PPD and like others have said it does not mean that you have negative thoughts about your child. Simply put, it is depression that simply starts (generally) within three months of having a child. The symptoms are a depressed mood most of the day (everyday), lack of interest in things that used to intrest you, loss of appetiate, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue or loss of energy (different that what would be expected) in ability to think/concentrate, feelings of guilt that is excessive and inappropriate, or thoughts of death. You only have to 5 or more of these symptoms (one of them must be depressed mood or lack of intrest). You have to have symptoms for at least two weeks and symptoms need to begin within four weeks of birth.

    Also, this is not Body Dysmorphic Disorder, this disorder is about hating a certain specific body part (like your nose) and focusing on that specific body part to the point of hate and shame. This is not an overall body type of disorder it is a specific one.

  17. Elizabeth Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    I submitted a little too early, before spell checking, so I am sorry about that. I think you do have PPD and individuals who think of harming their child simply have a psychotic version of PPD or that is the diagnostic difference. GOOD luck and I would talk to your doctor or a therapist.

    *Sorry, I misspelled: interest and appetite in my previous post.

  18. Shannon Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Hi, I used to feel the same way…and I still do sometimes. First of all, you look amazing, and you are so beautiful…even after the baby, your face is radiant! There is no way your husband is not attracted to you. I am not a doctor, but I do not think you have PPD…I think it is normal to hate your body at one point or another…you just gave birth…your emotions are all over the place. You do look so beautiful though!!

  19. Colleen Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Elizabeth, I was curious about your comment, so I looked up body dismorphic disorder. I got: “[a disorder] in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image)…The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.” That sounds pretty spot-on to me.

    It can be treated with therapy and/or antidepressants.

  20. Elizabeth Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Colleen, I am a therapist and we are taught to use our DSM-IV-TR to diagnose disorders, not the internet (like Wikipedia which you quoted). The disorder is an imagined defect in appearance which is excessive (criteria one). The preoccupation cause significant distress or impairment in functioning (criteria two). The preoccupation is not better accounted for another mental disorder (such as depression (with postpartum onset), or overall dissatisfaction with body shape and size (with Anorexia Nervosa)). Further, like I stated before it is generally with one specific body part, while it can change from nose to lips..then back to nose. Generally, the only fix to these ‘defects’ are for the individual to get surgery. Intensive therapy is usually the only ‘fix,’ and the use of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, or anti-psychotic medications depending upon the needs of the client and when/how the disorder started. I hope I cleared somethings up, above all I think its a good idea to have accurate clear information. Autumn, I hope you and your family get the help that you need. I also think that you look great!

  21. Colleen Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Elizabeth, I am a geologist, and so the library of scientific journals to which I have accesss were not terribly helpful in this case (the Journal of Petrology does not run articles on body image). Wikipedia, especially the better-cited articles, is not a bad source of general information. Thank you for clarifying for me.

    Either way, Autumn, you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist (since being diagnosed over the Internet is probably as accurate as looking up definitions the same way). And btw, I love that picture of you with your daughter–perfect!

  22. Autumn W Says:
    September 10th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Thanks for all your kind words! I am starting to get better and learning to accept myself the way I am! It means so much to know that others have felt the way that I do! Someone asked about the pictures and if they were before or after the birth of my most recent daughter… The 1st pic is before, the second is obviously during, and the last two are after

  23. tuka Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    I just want to point out that your husband would be proud to introduce you to his colleagues as the mother of his children whom he (still) is in love with. He said you are beautiful; believe him. Don’t you think running away and hiding is more shameful than being proud of who you are and taking it on the chin? We all have bad days, even before pregnancy and babies and motherhood. Don’t forget that you have done something millions of women dream about — you made a baby! Your body GREW that baby! That’s a miracle and it’s a miracle that you are alive after it all and that you can stand and feed your baby and your legs work, etc. etc. There is nothing wrong with bad days. But please, believe your husband, even if it’s just telling yourself, “I believe that he believes I am beautiful.” Make him your rock right now. Believe him!

  24. Autumn W. Says:
    March 18th, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    I haven’t been on here in forever and just thought I would take a look at it again this evening! I am happy to report I no longer feel this way. In fact reading my entry was strange because I remember so well what I felt at the time I wrote it but for the life of me I still can’t understand why I felt that way. Anyway, my babies are well and my husband still says he thinks I’m beautiful the only difference is now I believe he does! :) Thanks for all the kid words!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Karen Says:
    January 27th, 2012 at 10:59 am

    I’m 3 weeks PP via c-section and I feel exactly this way. I hope I can get to where you are and it will pass. It’s bad right now.

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