Number of Pregnancies – 2
Number of Births- 2
Daughters- 8 years and 2 months
I have always been told that if you have postpartum depression, you feel resentment towards your baby but I do not resent my baby in any way what-so-ever! I love and adore her but I hate myself!
After the birth of my first daughter I immediately lost weight and I didn’t have any of the thoughts or feelings I am experiencing this time. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror and I feel like no one understands. I wake up every morning and cry and I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the way I feel and he just tells me he loves me no matter how I look. I want so badly to be beautiful because I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he is ashamed of the way I look and no matter how often he says he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, I am convinced he is lying. I wonder how anyone could be in love with me now? I have always been very thin and considered attractive and now out of no where I feel like I am hideous. Recently my husband tried to introduce me to a few of his co-workers but I literally ran and hid because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I am completely convinced that he married me because of my physical appearance and now that it has faded he cant possibly love me anymore. I am also convinced he is going to cheat on me because he HAS to be disgusted by the way I look and I know I am not good enough for him. One of my best friends recently told me that I am ruining the experience of having a wonderful husband and beautiful family by focusing so much on my appearance and although a part of me knows she is right it doesn’t help me because she is gorgeous and doesn’t have any children so how would she know what I am experiencing. I literally hate myself now and It’s not really even about me, it’s all about my husband and how I am completely convinced I am no longer good enough for him… Is this postpartum depression???