I’m 18 years old. I have a five week old baby and he’s amazing I love him so much and he’s just made my life completely amazing! I look at him and I’ve never felt so happy he’s is genuinely the most beautiful baby boy!
Then there’s another part of my life when I’m on my own and I just sit on the bathroom floor and sob at what I look and feel like postpartum. I still weigh the same as I did when I was pregnant, a 2.5/3stone bigger than before, at 12 1/2 stone. Throughout my teenage years I hated myself, I was so insecure always wearing loads of clothes and feeling depressed about it, at about 15/16 I started to feel better about myself as I started meeting boys etc, at 17 I met my partner and he made me feel great! I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone and I love him so much! I started to be ok with my body and maybe even liked it! This for me is amazing, at 18 I got pregnant and when pregnant although I felt a bit fat I could take comfort in what my body was doing for my baby boy and be happy about it. But after pregnancy I kind of expected it to just go back to normal, but it really didn’t, I didn’t even really look at myself in the mirror that much before or when I was pregnant and now I feel like id taken my body for granted because now I can’t even look in the mirror without hearing horrible thoughts. ” your disgusting, look at how much saggy fat you can grab.” “You can’t go out looking like that, your going to embarrass him, your fat.”
And it’s true I’m sure i do embarrass him, my partner, sometimes he says things that make me feel so terrible. Nothing really intentionally horrible but just remarks that he Dosent see my side of. I feel like he thinks if he makes me feel bad then I’ll work harder but it dosent work like tht and I jut feel worse. When I feel like this I just can’t eat and then I feel a bit better and have something quite healthy but then I feel like this again and stop eating. I try to exercise but It jut feels pointless, it dosent seem to help atall.
I feel like just as I was started to like my body I ruined it. I had a saggy, fat, flabby belly, an unlimited amount of stretch marks of my belly, hips, breasts, legs and the ones on my belly carry on a lot further down that i would like to admit as well. My breasts are a a bit saggy and I’m just all around fatter, big thighs, bum, really big hips ect. I’m on 5″1 and I have 36GG breasts and massive hips, so you can imagine how kinda strange I must look already and how hard it was to dress how I thought was nice. Now I have no idea what to wear. I feel like wearing big hoodies and joggers but just can’t. I made the mistake Of trying on my size 12 pre pregnancy jeans and couldn’t get them past my thighs and this made me feel disgusting! I can now only wear leggings like when I was pregnant, before that I had never worn when before that as I thought they showed too much, too fitted I guess, now I have no idea how to dress. I look horrible in everything and I’m so scared that my partner thinks I’m disgusting too. Went to a primary school today and I saw all these really young women with two kids who looked so skinny and gorgeous and I was younger, I guess I felt like I was supposed to be the younger skinnier one. Yet I looked like this. It’s so hard to feel good, this voice is always there telling me how disgusting I am, I still feel shocked when I see how horrible my body looks.
I just want to feel okay again, get rid of these stretch marks and all this fat. I want to feel like my boyfriends attracted to me again. I want to feel like me again not this sorry excuse for a women .