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Disgusting Body (Anonymous)

I’m 18 years old. I have a five week old baby and he’s amazing I love him so much and he’s just made my life completely amazing! I look at him and I’ve never felt so happy he’s is genuinely the most beautiful baby boy!

Then there’s another part of my life when I’m on my own and I just sit on the bathroom floor and sob at what I look and feel like postpartum. I still weigh the same as I did when I was pregnant, a 2.5/3stone bigger than before, at 12 1/2 stone. Throughout my teenage years I hated myself, I was so insecure always wearing loads of clothes and feeling depressed about it, at about 15/16 I started to feel better about myself as I started meeting boys etc, at 17 I met my partner and he made me feel great! I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone and I love him so much! I started to be ok with my body and maybe even liked it! This for me is amazing, at 18 I got pregnant and when pregnant although I felt a bit fat I could take comfort in what my body was doing for my baby boy and be happy about it. But after pregnancy I kind of expected it to just go back to normal, but it really didn’t, I didn’t even really look at myself in the mirror that much before or when I was pregnant and now I feel like id taken my body for granted because now I can’t even look in the mirror without hearing horrible thoughts. ” your disgusting, look at how much saggy fat you can grab.” “You can’t go out looking like that, your going to embarrass him, your fat.”
And it’s true I’m sure i do embarrass him, my partner, sometimes he says things that make me feel so terrible. Nothing really intentionally horrible but just remarks that he Dosent see my side of. I feel like he thinks if he makes me feel bad then I’ll work harder but it dosent work like tht and I jut feel worse. When I feel like this I just can’t eat and then I feel a bit better and have something quite healthy but then I feel like this again and stop eating. I try to exercise but It jut feels pointless, it dosent seem to help atall.

I feel like just as I was started to like my body I ruined it. I had a saggy, fat, flabby belly, an unlimited amount of stretch marks of my belly, hips, breasts, legs and the ones on my belly carry on a lot further down that i would like to admit as well. My breasts are a a bit saggy and I’m just all around fatter, big thighs, bum, really big hips ect. I’m on 5″1 and I have 36GG breasts and massive hips, so you can imagine how kinda strange I must look already and how hard it was to dress how I thought was nice. Now I have no idea what to wear. I feel like wearing big hoodies and joggers but just can’t. I made the mistake Of trying on my size 12 pre pregnancy jeans and couldn’t get them past my thighs and this made me feel disgusting! I can now only wear leggings like when I was pregnant, before that I had never worn when before that as I thought they showed too much, too fitted I guess, now I have no idea how to dress. I look horrible in everything and I’m so scared that my partner thinks I’m disgusting too. Went to a primary school today and I saw all these really young women with two kids who looked so skinny and gorgeous and I was younger, I guess I felt like I was supposed to be the younger skinnier one. Yet I looked like this. It’s so hard to feel good, this voice is always there telling me how disgusting I am, I still feel shocked when I see how horrible my body looks.

I just want to feel okay again, get rid of these stretch marks and all this fat. I want to feel like my boyfriends attracted to me again. I want to feel like me again not this sorry excuse for a women .

in Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions
12 comments… add one
  • Shannon Wednesday, September 23, 2015, 9:12 am

    Oh my…I had to go back and read how far pp you are a few times. You just had your baby 5 weeks ago!!! You have not even got the OK to work out yet! Your uterus has not even gone back down to size yet. Give yourself AT LEAST a year. Eat clean (lean meats like chicken breast, ground turkey, fish, veggies, fruits, grains like wheat pasta, brown rice and quinoa, and healthy fats like nuts, olive oil and avocado), and work out when you have the time. You will lose the weight. You’ll always have the stretch marks, but I find them beautiful! You may even have loose skin…but try to be kinder to yourself. YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH! Congrats :)

  • Anonymous Tuesday, September 29, 2015, 3:48 pm

    I know it’s soon but it’s horrible feeling like this, I’m 2months pp now and I still feel the same sometimes, mostly when choosing something to wear, having to go out. Or go somewhere nice. I really need to buy new clothes but I feel like everything looks horrible. I tried to get my partner to help by asking him to choose things but he chooses too revealing things like shorts, When I have stretch marks Down to just below my knees! I know he wants me to dress more feminine but everything looks so horrible on me! Nothing makes me look ok, just wide and flabby. I know I must sound like I’m just moaning and feeling sorry for myself but it’s a serious problem in my life. I’m actually contemplating cancelling my six week pp check at the gps because I don’t wasn’t them to see anything or feel my tummy and stuff. The thought of anyone looking at me is just horrifying!
    Thanks for the advice! I do try an eat healthily, although I only really have one meal a day. I’ll definitely try some of that. I don’t really have time to work out. I really want to try and go to a class or the gym or something but I’m so scared that I’ll be the biggest one there or look more disgusting, the thought of doing anything like that just makes me feel sick and cringe! I’m gonna try some stuff at home when I can though!
    Thanks a lot x

  • Chrissy Tuesday, September 29, 2015, 11:12 pm

    Firstly congratulations on your bub. Those first weeks can be so tough – all the hormonal changes you went through during pregnancy flow through you in reverse, meaning you are bound to feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. Add to that the sleep deprivation and the huge new experience of bonding with this tiny creature, and it’s no wonder you are feeling up and down.
    Be kind to yourself. Give your body time to adjust to its new role. You are a mother. Your baby will adore you no matter what shape or size you are. All it will see is love and security.
    Know that you have joined a special sisterhood of women who have birthed and are raising babies. We all doubt ourselves in many ways, and we must rise up and support each other through these doubts. We have untapped strength within each of us and as a collective we have so much power to help each other shine. I found it helpful to ditch the celebrity magazines and websites. Ignore the body-shaming articles, or people who make you feel less than amazing. Each day with your baby is a gift and it is too precious to waste worrying about the size of our thighs and tummies. Love and light to you. X

  • Bella Wednesday, September 30, 2015, 9:19 pm

    Hi dear, have you considered to find a therapist so that you can get the support you need, and stop hating your body? It’s not easy to embrace your self when you have theese negative thoughts, a therapist can help you to understand that you’re just as good as everybody else. You deserve to be loved, also by your self! Big hugs from me?

  • April Saturday, October 10, 2015, 1:01 am

    First of all, congratulations on your son!
    You have to remember that no 2 women, no 2 body types, no 2 pregnancies are alike. I have always had extremely poor self-esteem and when I had both of my boys I felt the same way. Don’t beat yourself up over looks, just give yourself a little time, you just had a tremendous experience a beautiful experience. Be happy with what you have just done and in times when you start to feel down on yourself, just look at your son and what a beautiful person you have made. And I don’t mean to step on toes or anything, but you should really talk to your SO and let him know what’s going on inside you and let him know that he’s hurting your feelings. There are plenty of ways to motivate someone but being rude is not one of them.
    I may not know you but if you ever want someone to talk to or anything please let me know. Reply to this post and I’ll see if we can connect without all of our info being blasted for everyone to see. I’m serious though don’t be so hard on yourself and please don’t let your SO either. Big Hugs. ?April?

  • Lexi Saturday, October 10, 2015, 9:20 pm

    First off congratulations and welcome to motherhood! I had my son when I was 16 and now I’m currently 18. I know it’s a lot of pressure being a young mom and wanting to look fabulous like all the other girls our age. I was only 10 lbs heavier than my pre pregnancy weight 6 months after I gave birth. However around my son’s first birthday I began to gain weight from being so depressed about my body and my son’s father and I breaking up. Within 7 months I gained 20 more lbs… I started working out and eating better and have lost almost all of the 20 lbs I gained and I’m determined to lose the 10 I gained while pregnant as well. Btw I only wear leggings as well and wouldn’t dare to even try on a crop top ever again. I do have stretch marks and cellulite by no means am I perfect but my son is worth it and bio oil helps. I know it’s not easy to always love yourself but every body is unique and beautiful in its own way. You could be going through post partum depression so I recommend talking to your doctor about your feelings. Treat yourself every once in awhile get your nails done, buy a new dress, do something that makes you feel beautiful.

  • Anonymous Monday, October 12, 2015, 6:32 pm

    All your comments mean so much. It’s so easy to read others posts and think the exact same thing as you. I agree with it all and yet it’s so much harder to see it in regards yourself. I’ve enquired about adding pictures so you can all see how bad it is. I would love to talk to my so about it all he’s really great at listening and always tries to get me to talk but I just can’t talk to people face to face about such personal things. I really wish I could, I’ve never really been able to.

  • Su Tuesday, October 20, 2015, 1:14 pm

    Reading this touched me so much. I am in your shoes exactly except I have a daughter and she is 7 weeks. So advice on how to help you get your body back… BREASTFEED! Your body will slim like 1000x faster and it’s super good for the baby. I also got some spider veins so I’m saving up for laser which is about $300. As for stretch marks I’m trying the dermaroller and crossing my fingers. Mine are horrible and depress me so much. Also, try focusing on styling your longer hair and painting your nails and just make sure to shower and wear pretty dresses. However, my other advice… I know we are young and I totally understand how you feel when it comes to feeling sexy for your man. Still he shouldn’t ever belittle you. A girl who lets her man talk down to her has no confidence in herself and her potential. And that is uglier than all the other imperfections combined. Best of luck! And believe sexy is sooooo much more than just looks ;)

  • chocolatecandyfloss Monday, October 26, 2015, 2:00 am

    Hi there,

    I have 3 kids, 3, 6 and 8 and I used to hate my Body like crazy because of all the saggy skin that hangs over my front and the muffin top that hangs over my undies. I was 15kg heavier and Just couldn’t get back in shape. Finally I had enough and I made the decision to transform. GO HARD OR GO HOME! I found Joanna Soh diet and workout videos on YouTube and started from there. One year later, I finally beat the fat and flab and I look better than I ever was before the 3 pregnancies! I am 34. You are only 5 weeks postpartum. It’s not realistic to expect your body to suddenly bounce back to what it was after taking 10months to expand! Give it 1year at least. In the mean time, focus on recovery, eating healthy and taking care of yourself. Get to terms, watch motivation videos and get all information needed to transform your body back. You are only 18! It’s how much you want it! Wishing you all the best. You can do it!

  • Nicole Monday, October 26, 2015, 3:59 am

    Your baby is still so fresh…don’t be hard on yourself! It took nine beautiful months to grow that baby; give yourself at least nine months to heal. I have been pregnant four times and understand how different you can feel. Somedays I still look in the mirror and wonder what happened to my body! However, it’s important to remind yourself that all those changes brought a beautiful new life into this world. Eating healthy and even moderate exercise will do wonders. Please remember to be kinder to yourself and trest yourself to something nice that makes you feel good. I have found that getting my hair done has done wonders for me.

  • CJ Monday, October 26, 2015, 8:43 am

    Awwww mama :( Women ARE beautiful because we come in all different shapes and sizes…don’t let the size on a tag determine your worth!!

    I agree with what many of the ladies here said….you are still recovering from having a baby :) I know after having my 2 kiddos….I felt less than stellar in both looks and energy…but it’s important to pace yourself and be kind to you <3 I found if I took a bit of time for me to do my hair and make up…I felt prettier…and even if you may not believe it…say something kind to yourself in the mirror…eventually those words will outshine the negative ones :D (Example: You did awesome today because you managed to get the laundry done…while rockin' awesome hair!!)…Set some goals :) If exercise is on the list…start with something manageable….like going for a power walk around the block for 10-30 min…this will help you build up some endurance for a more strenuous work out :)

    As for your appointment…don't skip em!! Your health is soooo important!! I may not be a doctor…but I am a nurse :) There is very little we have not seen…our ultimate goal is to make sure you are healthy both inside and out :) I know I can say…I don't see imperfections… (cheesy as it may sound)…I get to see super hero's everyday :) So don't be so hard on yourself :D

    Lastly…Please talk with your boyfriend… (Let's face it…some men arent very good at catching hints…even the obvious ones LOL)…Let him know how you feel…that his support is more than just help with the baby…you'll be surprised at how far a Lil communication will go :)

    You've got this mama :D Sometimes it may take a bit to find your niche n get in the swing of things…but you'll get there <3 *hugzzzzz*

  • Anonymous Wednesday, October 28, 2015, 9:53 am

    Thanks a lot for the comment! I did try to breast feed straight away at the hospital but my milk hadn’t come through yet. No one told me that I could try again or there was things to do. I tried again at home anyway but To no avail. I feel as though I would have mastered it with help. I actually started to feel very depressed by not being able to do this natural thing and give my son the best I could.
    I do try to do my make up and make my hair look nice, although I’m no good at styles. But clothes wise, nothing fits and I really don’t have the money, energy or wish to buy new clothes. Everything looks horrible and I can’t wear dresses or anything that shows any skin due a mass of stretch marks.
    I know sexy is more that just how you look. I just hate feeling so inconfident and depressed all the time. I suppose it could be postnatal depression but sometimes I don’t think about it and I feel okay.
    Let me know how the dermaroller goes, I may try it.
    Thanks for the support :) xxxx

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