3 months post-partem
I had been debating whether to post something on this site for awhile now, but when I woke up this morning I just had to talk to someone.
I have three beautiful children ages seven, six and three months. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with my body. With my last two pregnancies, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight after three months. After this last pregnancy I still have 20 pounds to lose, plus I was already considered “overweight” before I got pregnant. I honestly wish the weight was the only issue. I have hundreds of stretch marks everywhere, even behind my knees and my skin around by belly is very loose. I seriously remind myself of Freddie Crugar. I have had a hard time accepting and loving myself.
My father was never around. He even made up a story to his family that I was killed by a bus. My first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t “put out”. I started dating my now husband at 16. He is a great man, don’t get me wrong, but I have a hard time letting go of his mistakes. While we were dating he once looked at dirty magazines. Now I know that is something guys are just drawn to, but with my history it was devastating. A few months before we got married I found out later that he went on a date with some girl. I have no idea who she is, but I’m sure she was gorgeous. I wasn’t bad looking myself either. I was 5’5″ and 120 pounds. Since we have been married there was a period of time again where pornography entered the equation.
Here’s my dilema. I truly feel like in a way I wasn’t good enough for him while we were dating, because of his actions. I was the prettiest and the skinniest back then. Now I’m fat and saggy and full of stretch marks and ten years older. So (this is just my thinking here) if I wasn’t good enough for him then, why would I be good enough for him now? I know I need to let go of the past, but it haunts me. I really need help letting this go. I feel like it’s preventing me from being the best I can be physically and mentally. I could really use your advice