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Depressed (Anonymous)

February 28, 2012

pregnancies:6
births:3
3 months post-partem
age:28

I had been debating whether to post something on this site for awhile now, but when I woke up this morning I just had to talk to someone.

I have three beautiful children ages seven, six and three months. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with my body. With my last two pregnancies, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight after three months. After this last pregnancy I still have 20 pounds to lose, plus I was already considered “overweight” before I got pregnant. I honestly wish the weight was the only issue. I have hundreds of stretch marks everywhere, even behind my knees and my skin around by belly is very loose. I seriously remind myself of Freddie Crugar. I have had a hard time accepting and loving myself.

My father was never around. He even made up a story to his family that I was killed by a bus. My first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t “put out”. I started dating my now husband at 16. He is a great man, don’t get me wrong, but I have a hard time letting go of his mistakes. While we were dating he once looked at dirty magazines. Now I know that is something guys are just drawn to, but with my history it was devastating. A few months before we got married I found out later that he went on a date with some girl. I have no idea who she is, but I’m sure she was gorgeous. I wasn’t bad looking myself either. I was 5’5″ and 120 pounds. Since we have been married there was a period of time again where pornography entered the equation.

Here’s my dilema. I truly feel like in a way I wasn’t good enough for him while we were dating, because of his actions. I was the prettiest and the skinniest back then. Now I’m fat and saggy and full of stretch marks and ten years older. So (this is just my thinking here) if I wasn’t good enough for him then, why would I be good enough for him now? I know I need to let go of the past, but it haunts me. I really need help letting this go. I feel like it’s preventing me from being the best I can be physically and mentally. I could really use your advice

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8 Responses to “Depressed (Anonymous)”

  1. amber Says:
    February 28th, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Focus on u. Not him. If u don’t find yourself happy, figure out how to do so. Good luck.

  2. Ashley Says:
    February 28th, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Fake it ’till you make it, lady. I completely understand how lack of self-confidence can utterly destroy you. I’ve always had my own Daddy-issues. I was born with cleft-lip and palate, along with an array of other problems. I never felt attractive growing up. Even though I had the best reconstructive surgeries money could buy, I still saw the scars. When I turned 22 (I’m 25 now), I came into a little bit of money. I got myself a boob job, and lost 15 lbs. I’m 5 foot and got myself down to 100 lbs (which is still curvy-looking on my stature). I felt pretty for the first time in my life. I got pregnant less than a year later and my body just went to hell. I gained 51 lbs. Lost all of it by 7 months postpartum but I have stretch marks everywhere and my stomach is all loose skin. I despise looking at myself naked. However, you’ve got to just start owning it- PERIOD. Find something you do like about yourself, however slight. Focus on that. Tell yourself you are hot, even if you don’t believe it. Try not to worry yourself about your husband. I know it’s difficult, but you’ve got to start focusing on you. Do what you need to do. Exercise, eat just a little better at one meal. Start building that self-confidence. My self-confidence is there now, but it only goes a few layers deep. Way down, I’m still that little insecure girl who thinks unbelievably bad thoughts about herself and how she looks. But you know what, each day I put on an outfit that highlights something I like and just rock it out- adds another layer of self-confidence. I’ll keep doing that until it runs through. I’ll say it again- this is about YOU. Not your husband and what he has done. Build yourself up first- then worry about your relationship- whether that means not forgiving him for his past transgressions or choosing to move forward. Either way, you will be strong enough in yourself to make those choices. You will be able to determine your path (with or without him), feeling good about yourself, feeling strong and not allowing your own self-doubt and insecurities to allow and influence you in your relationships. It’s a long, hard road to building yourself up- but you must do that before you can expect to succeed in other areas. Feel free to email me at smileforsage@yahoo.com if you’d like to talk more. Best of luck to you, lady. You will be in my thoughts.

  3. jackie Says:
    February 28th, 2012 at 8:11 am

    hey hun heres my email incase you want to talk more jacqspencer@yahoo.ca
    but i totally understand im 10months pp and i have stretch marks EVERYWHERE.. lower the my pre pregnancy weight but i wish i ate more so i wouldnt have stretchmarks on my KNEES even ! :(

  4. Alexis Says:
    February 28th, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I just want to chime in that the same paradigms that make us hate our bodies tell us that men are incapable of loving us as human beings. Is your husband absolutely perfect? When you see Brad Pitt do you turn disdainfully to your husband? Isn’t he ten years older as well. I don’t know who propagated the idea that men get better with age because I drive by frat boys playing volleyball on my way to work and I have a husband almost twenty years older than they are – superficially, tan 19 year old shirtless frat boys are doing pretty darn well. But I am not overwhelmed with lust for them to the exclusion of my husband – they are hot, my husbands hot, brad pitt is almost fifty and he is hot. Hotness exists everywhere and we can see it as women, men can see it too. I think as women we need to stop seeing men as totally shallow, secretively hateful czars of our ego strength. They are just as human as we are with as many flaws and hang ups and the same ability for a depth of love and sexuality as we are. I just hate how the rhetoric has taught us to see men so darkly and to limit our own common sense. I’m sure he loves you. You can’t be replaced with a picture or even another flesh and blood person. If your self worth is so low you truly can’t see that I hope you talk to someone you can trust in depth about it. I am sure there is more to you than stretch marks and whatever you hate about yourself – don’t let those things go.

  5. depressed anonymous Says:
    March 5th, 2012 at 11:45 am

    thank you so much ladies:) Having this site and reading your responses has truly been a saving grace for me.

  6. jennifer Says:
    March 7th, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I feel like you goy in my head and wrote my story down,same thing about the guy who I dont feel good enough for. I was hot when we met,now Im not!!

    I just want to hug you and tell you Im here for you, its a shame that you feel this way but all I can say is what the first person replied,FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT! I fake it every day when ever I look in the mirror I know what I see back but I pretend that I find it attractive,I tell myself I love my curves,and what makes me feel even better is dressing my curves properly.

    Spend some money on new clothes thta suit your figure and that suit you,massage your body in cream every night,by touching your body this way you get in touch with yourself and you become more confident…Im not a hippie,I just love touching myself ; ) joking!

    And the guy,well Im in the same boat as you and I find that by respecting myself (which I dont always do) means he respects me more,and counselling will help you,even if you just go to talk to some one,not someone who will agree with everything you say but some one who will explain all your emotions and will talk you through your troubles. Good Luck
    Jen.

  7. Courtney Says:
    April 21st, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    I went through all of the pornography BS with my son’s father, now my ex. I knew he looked at it before but I didn’t think too much of it because he made sure to pay attention to me when I was around. After we had been together awhile I became pregnant. Completely unplanned. Regardless I was super excited whereas he was not. All he could think about was all the things he wouldn’t be able to do with a baby on the way. As my pregnancy progessed I found him lying about little things. I was increasingly hormonal and ya I wanted sex just about every day. I didn’t see anything wrong with that. We were both young, 20, both active, shouldn’t have been an issue. He kept turning me down for sex. It started as soon as my baby bump appeared and the bigger I got the more he turned me down. I thought I was sexy as hell. The first time in my life when I actually felt right in my skin. My body is made for pregnancy (kinda..lots of pain but worth it!). One day I had gotten home from work and he had left his laptop open on the couch and as it was the only computer we had I went online and right to the history to find a site I had been on in the morning before work. All I found was a heck of a lot of porn. Starting right after I left from work until right before he went to work. This being after he turned down sex that morning. My ex and I fought a lot about the porn. I had made it clear from the beginning how I felt about it in general and how it made me feel specifically due to my past. He would let up on it for a bit and things would improve then he would go back to it. It got so bad that when I was 7 months pregnant we got in a very loud, semi-physical fight about it. I wanted to leave him then. He wouldn’t let me. Things never did get better between us. Long story I know but for your sake and the sake of your children, if his behavior with the porn affects you like my ex’s behavior did with me, you have some very hard choices ahead of you hun. I sincerely hope you are both able to work things out together. I didn’t work for me and not for lack of trying, but I am now with a man who loves every stretch mark on my body. Loves my breasts even though they sag and absolutely loves my belly. I’m 25 now. I still have so many self-worth issues I am dealing with, as well as self-image issues. I suppose it doesn’t help when my mother tells my son to call me a beached whale does it? My man helps me through all these things but I also see a counsellor when things are just too much for me and I don’t want to upset my man with it all. We are blessed with what we have. We just have to work extra hard to see it when our brains have been messed with too often. Best of luck to you

  8. Lee-Ann Pond Says:
    September 10th, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I can so relate. Every day, I struggle with the “sins” of his past, things he’s done that have affected my body image. While married now, I fear he hasn’t really changed. I also feel like if I wasn’t good enough then, how can I be now. But he assures me that I have always been good enough, it was him who was the idiot. Feel free to e-mail me as well. princess_1004@live.com

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