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Defeat and Angels (Anonymous)

October 28, 2011

Age: 22
Pregnancies/Births: 1/1
Age of child/how far pp: 3 months

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant, and though it was not planned we could not have been happier. I had always wanted a baby, and now I was going to be a mother! The pregnancy was very easy and I went on to deliver a healthy baby girl at 37 weeks. Though I never had any medical or health problems during my pregnancy I did have self esteem problems. I always had what I considered the perfect body before pregnancy. I was 5’6″ and 115lbs. I was lean and toned, with curvy hips and perfectly round perky breasts. I had 36 inch hips and a 20 inch waist. I loved being able to throw a bikini on and turn heads with no effort. I never had to work for my body, it just was, and I loved it.

Little by little during my pregnancy the weight added up. 5 lbs this month. 7 the next. Until at 37 weeks I topped out at a weight gain of 53 lbs. Every pound was like a punch in the stomach. I hated it. I was watching my figure vanish under the perfect little person that I loved so dearly. I went 36 weeks without a single stretch mark. That was what kept me hopeful the entire time. I knew that if I could avoid stetch marks, then there was a chance I would someday feel pretty again. Then suddenly, almost overnight, they were there. All over my lower stomach. My sides, my thighs and on the back of my knees. I cried harder than I have ever cried before when I saw those horrible streaks across my skin. I delivered one week later.

I am currently 3 months postpartum and having a very hard time accepting my new body. Everything is different. My bone structure has changed, my hips and rib cage are inches wider, my stomach is flabby and not smooth, my skin is textured and uneven. My breasts, which I now hate, went from a B cup to a DD and now sag. I have cried every time I have taken a shower since the day she was born. I cannot look in the mirror when I am naked. Even though my husband will tell me every day that I am beautiful and perfect, I will not let him touch my stomach because I don’t want him to feel my skin. He used to joke that I was his trophy wife, and he wanted to take me every where he could and show me off. I feel like I ruined those dreams for him. I am no longer the trophy wife he married, but I am the woman with the stretch marks who should never be seen in a bathing suit ever again.

I weigh 125 lbs now, only 10 lbs more than before I got pregnant. I have breast fed my baby since the day she was born, and I believe that helped some, but I can not seem to lose the other 10lbs, and I fear that even if I do I will still never fit my old cloths, I will never have smooth soft skin ever again, and I will never be as little as I was. I fear that even though I love my baby and my husband more than life itself, that I will never be able to love my body. I will never have self confidence. I will never feel beautiful or pretty, and sexy is a word that will never be uttered in my direction. Maybe I sound vain and petty? Maybe I do. But these feelings that I live with every day, they do not feel so petty to me. When society has been screaming at you since you were 5 that you must look this way to be beautiful, and the mirror is screaming at you that you will never even be close, it does not feel petty. It feels like defeat.

Even though I feel this way about my body, I am determined to hide it from my daughter. I want to teach her that she does not have to look like the girls in magazines and on the t.v. That she is perfect just as she is. I know this is going to be hard to do when I can not even tell myself that, but I am determined. Afterall, the only thing that keeps me going is the enormous amount of love that I have for my daughter and my husband. I do not think I would be here today without them. They are my world. They are my angels. I live to see the smiles on their faces, and even though I look at myself and feel like I am all used up, I would not change anything, because doing so would mean that I would not have my little family. My little world.

The first two pictures are from before pregnancy, and then three are of the stretch marks and the extra weight at 3 months pp, and the last one is me at 36 weeks.

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34 Responses to “Defeat and Angels (Anonymous)”

  1. kate Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Wow! after reading your submission, I totally expected you to look way worse than you do. Your “after” pics could honestly be before pics, I might have asked which was which if you hadn’t mentioned it. Even your big “saggy”-as you put it-boobs look great to me(I have none so I always have boob envy)ha ha! yes you were smokin hot before and guess what? you still are now! Still it is sooooo hard to accept changes in our bodies. People will tell you the changes you see are not so noticable, the stretchmarks not so bad, but your thinking “maybe so but my body was perfect before..now i feel like i have parts i want to hide” No matter how good you look now(you really look great) its still hard to take. I totally understand and feel the same way. Keep your head up girl, you are doing great, keepdoing all the right things so that you can accept these changes

  2. Rachael Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 8:44 am

    I understand how you feel, because I feel the same way. But you REALLY do have a fantastic body! I’m actually jealous of you..I would love to look like you! The stretch marks will fade in time…don’t let those bother you. Your body is perfect and you look like you’ve never even had a kid!

  3. Rachael Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 8:46 am

    P.S. I completely agree with Kate!!

  4. Megan Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Your stretch marks are light – they’re going to fade in no time and will be hardly noticeable. I think your breasts are nice, too.
    I only hope when I have a baby that my body looks like yours after. I would be totally pleased, personally!

  5. Audrey! Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 9:47 am

    You are absolutely gorgeous.

    However, that doesn’t mean your feelings about your body aren’t “valid”. Our bodies change so much with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a challenge to adjust and part of that adjustment will be about learning this new shape and accepting it. I want to encourage you with three thoughts. Different does not = bad. Your body will continue changing for several months yet (something may “go back” and some may not). Stretch marks fade.

    I wish you could see yourself through your husband’s eyes, or even someone else’s eyes. You are so beautiful AND sexy and I hope you can begin to see that for yourself and love yourself as much as you deserve. And I don’t mean “deserve” simply because of how you look, but because it is what you DESERVE no matter what changes.

  6. shannon Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I hate to say this…but I almost laughed when I saw your “after” pictures. Not because you look bad..but because you look freaking awesome!!!! Sure, you got a few little stretchmarks, who cares?!?!?! They will fade even more than they already have. You are already 5 pounds under the ideal weight for your height. You literally do not need to lose a pound. You are so tiny. Oh, and your “saggy” boobs look quite nice. I know what it is like feeling like you lost your body so young. I was 20 when I had my 1st and 22 when I had my 2nd…trust me, you look 1,000x better than me (I am 25)! You do not need to change anything about your body. Oh, and even though you don’t need to change anything, your body will continue to change. You are ONLY 3 months pp :) Smile mama, you are beautiful…as am I, even with all of my stretchmarks and loose skin :)

  7. Lola Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 10:52 am

    You look AMAZING!!! I would do pretty much anything to have your PP body.:) If nothing helps you with realizing how great your body looks after pregnancy always remember that your children will never see the “imperfections”.

  8. Colleen Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 11:02 am

    The only way I could tell those were the “after” pictures was the stretch marks–and honey, those will fade. They’re not even terribly visible now! You could put on a bikini and go strut your stuff and you’d turn heads today, I promise!

    And your breasts do not “sag”…they sit on your chest as normal, natural breasts do. Only fake bags of silicone artificially put into your body sit there with no skin underneath them. I think your breasts look lovely…and if you want to see “sag” (and I don’t blame my girls for sagging one bit, because they worked hard and they’re entitled to it!), check out my third entry here: http://theshapeofamother.com/blog/one-year-after-a-cesarean-update-colleen/ You have beautiful mother’s breasts and I think you should flaunt the heck out of them!

  9. Ash Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 11:31 am

    ummm what are you talking about lol lol u look like girls in porns lol lol Im soooooo jealous

  10. Missy Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I totally understand the way you feel. I hate my post-baby body! 2 1/2 yrs after my daughter was born I only weigh 2-3 lbs more then I did before I had her. However, my stomach sticks out and is so poochy that I have had people ask me if I was pregnant! It seems like no matter what I do I can’t change my stomach! However, I would love to have your body! We weight about the same but your tummy looks so much better then mine! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, right? :)

  11. Sarah P. Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    I’m not sure you actually need to lose that last 10 pounds. Chances are, it’s mostly in your breasts anyway (which is good since you’re nursing). I’m a real shorty and I carried an extra 5 pounds around (probably would’ve been 10 if I was as tall as you) until my daughter weaned at 2 years and 5 months old. I am fairly certain that those extra pounds were in my breasts because after nursing the boobs deflated and the last few pounds disappeared.

    As for how you look, you look unbelievable. Unbelievably gorgeous! You have such a perfect body. I hope you can come to see what the rest of us see. You are ridiculously sexy.

    After having a baby, our bodies are never the same. They just aren’t. So there is a bit of acceptance that comes along with the postpartum period. While I’d have no issues accepting it if I had your amazing body, I can at least try to put myself in your place. Change is hard to accept sometimes. I hope you come to that place of acceptance and love. I hope you rock your body in bikinis again – that body shouldn’t be hidden under clothes, anyway!!! :)

    Best wishes.

  12. Marz Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    ? wait… I think your after pics look even better than the before pics…

  13. christi Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Your body still does look beautiful. 3 months PP is too soon to have lost all the weight, so don’t despair–it took 9 months to gain it, it can take 9 monnths to lose it. The skin will get better and even though the stretch marks won’t go away, they also will fade with more time.

  14. becky Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    I feel so bad to hear thats the way you feel about your body. Its sad becuase you look so awesome but us women do have in our heads that we must look a certain way. I cannot be mad or yell at you for feeling this way becuase we all feel differently about our bodies. Im about to give birth in 4 days and Im jus wodering how im going to feel. I pray you can overcome this feeling becuase you do look truly amazing. I swear to you your husband must really feel the same way.. its hard to do but try to think more positive and just think it could be a possible thing you couldnt lose that much weight. God bless you and feel better.

  15. Miffy Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Wow, you look fantastic! After reading your words I didn’t expect you looking that good. Don’t worry, you are still the trophy wife you want to be. Only with a child and great breasts.

    Your stretch marks will fade, your rib cage will get smaller again (at least mine did, but it did take a while). Give your body the love – and the time – it deserves. I wish you the best of luck!

  16. sarah kata Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 1:07 am

    Your body is so beautiful those marks are not deep at all if you use bio oil 3-4 times a day for the next year they will fade away. Or research skin needling! Honestly how can you be so harsh on yourself? Your very toned and have a great body I found it a tad offensive when I read your post then saw your pics! I have at least twice the amount of stretch marks as you do and there are women that would love to have your body!

  17. ELLA Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 4:09 am

    My goodness, this is how bad the media has influenced us, a beautiful woman like you write “defeated” in her story.
    A woman that could be the dream of every guy, a woman with a big chest, little waist and hips, a woman whose belly does not look like she carried a baby, as it is flat and apart from a very few SM is absolutely perfect.
    I can bet you that if you put your bikini on and go to the beach, you will feel like before, you will turn heads with no effort, and plus you have got big beautiful chest now.
    i am not gonna say anything else, my DD is 4 yo, i am like 1 stone and a half overweight, my tummy, around my belly button is full of SM, i am trying hard to like what i see, but when i see other ladies here, with so much to give and focus in far more that the outside beauty, i feel so much better. No one can have the perfect body, the body at the end will be a fade memory as we old grow old and body changes, Think here and the moment now, how blessed you are, no in things that you can not change although it will improve with time, DAmn,, you are so hot and you are only 3 mths pp.

  18. sarah Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Oh dear please know that you’re body looks damn near perfect now. Have you looked at some of the other mommys body s on here? They are all beautiful in different ways but yours looks almost untouched. I hope you can gain back your confidence. You’re beautiful

  19. lany Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Like Kate said…i was totally expecting some thing really bad…but I really envy your body. Before I had my first child i was like you, thin, nice boobs, nice flat belly (wich you still have), and after my baby was born I only ended up weighin 13 lbs more but I was so unhappy, and depressed but as time went by even though I had strechmarks, and my boobs seemed to have shrunk after I was done breatfeeding…i began to accepet my body. We can only do so much about our body, so I decided to stop feeling sorry for my self and accept what my body had become, you are in control of your life and you can choose to let your imige control you. Stay positive, and I will tell you again, you look awsome. I wish I had the body that you have..but after having 2 kids…I am a mess…but I really try so hard to not let it control me. I really advice you to do the same..=)

  20. june Says:
    October 29th, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    in another 3 months you’ll literally look just the same as pre baby. you already look incredible in these pics!!

  21. izzy Says:
    October 30th, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    OMG it doesn’t even look like you carried a child in that body! Let alone just three months ago! The little stretch marks you have will fade to almost nothing in a matter of time..and your body is still so toned, and your boobs GOODNESS your boobs..they look amazing :) not trying to sound all lesbo or anything lol but seriously, don’t be so hard on yourself you are one hot smoking mom..

  22. Nicole Says:
    October 30th, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    I also expected you to look pretty bad after reading your submission! When I looked at your photos I almost couldn’t tell the difference at first. I needed the help of the guide you wrote up above as to which photos were which.

    I’m 5’2″ 115, working on getting pregnant and you look skinnier than I do. You look a-maaaazing for having a 3 month old baby. Think of it that way. :)

  23. mar Says:
    October 30th, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    As hard as this might be to hear: You’re being too hard on yourself.

    First; you’re amazing for sticking with breastfeeding! But don’t forget; those last 10 are going to be around while you do. Maybe give or take, because every woman is different! You need those extra calories for nurtrition and healthy breatsmilk. :) They’re good for your baby, and in time you’ll see the # go back down.

    Look forward to this, too; when your baby starts walking, you’ll be a lot more active chasing her, and a few more pounds will shed off. Little by little, you’ll go back to a closer “you”, until one day, you will look again and really see the “you” that you are, and you’ll realize that the stretch marks have faded, and your body might be a little wider. But you brought forth life, and you supported her with your milk, love, and adoration! That’s phenominal!

    I work in elder and hospice care with women and men, and I’ll tell you this: It’s made me realize that if we, as women, don’t start appreciating what we have NOW, we will look back when it’s too late and realize we missed those chances.

    The grass is always greener, someone else’s body is always “better”, and we’re always a few pounds more than we want ourselves to be.

    You are a BEAUTIFUL woman, and your body is something that you should be PROUD of! Look at the stunning hand you were dealt! I agree with the above poster; you were smoking hot before your baby, and you’re a smoking hot MILF now!

    Plus, no one in their right mind is going to be looking at your stretch marks when you get yourself into a bathing suit, come this spring. They’re going to be looking at you, WITH your baby, thinking “that woman CAN’T be that baby’s mother; she doesn’t even look like she’s given birth”.

    ….. That’s what I’d be thinking.

  24. anon. Says:
    October 30th, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    your post sounds just like my post, I know exactly what you’re feeling, wanting the pre babe bod back but your family to stay as is. I myself don’t feel beautiful, sexy or even at all attractive and no matter how many times you hear it you just don’t believe it to be possible, but for what it’s worth you are sexy and your stretch marks to me really aren’t that bad.

  25. Shelly Says:
    October 31st, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Your body looks like Heidi Klum’s

  26. mrspetunia Says:
    November 1st, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Your boobs are so perfect they almost look fake :)

  27. Amy Says:
    November 1st, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Holy Moly you look incredible. I have some stretch marks too and whenever I am feeling bad about them I get a spray tan. It makes them almost non-existent and I feel great afterwards :)

  28. Maria Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    I would pay to have breasts like yours!

  29. Alexandra Says:
    November 10th, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Your are gorgeous still! :-)

  30. Ray Says:
    November 17th, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Just thought I would add from a Male perspective, your figure is amazing, stop worrying :-)

  31. Jessie Says:
    November 24th, 2011 at 12:55 am

    Your body is AMAZING! i would be so proud to look like that, even MORE proud to look like that after a baby! you said you dont like your breasts? they look perfect to me! i don’t even think breast implants can look that good!!! you have no idea what i would give to have my body look like yours! your BEAUTIFUL and should be very proud of your amazing body!!!! :)

  32. shannon Says:
    November 28th, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I think your main problem is looking at yourself as a “trophy wife.” You don’t have to be anyones trophy, just be a good mommy and wife. I honestly was expecting a train wreck and you look amazing a few stretch marks that will fade over time and boobs that are the equivilant of what some women pay thousands for. Trust me in twenty years, you will look back and regret the time wasted worrying about seeking perfection when it is already right in the mirror.

  33. Kim Says:
    January 10th, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    I just want to say you body is beautiful and you cant judge by the first 3 months postpartum. I was told an amazing saying which helped me in my journey to lose weight, “it took nine months to gain the weight, give it nine months to loose the weight.” I know some people lose quicker or slower but its just the thought that helped me and gave me strength. As for the widening of the hips and rib cage, your body did that to make room for the baby and your body if you don’t mind me saying looks exactly like mine, give it time and soon your ribs and hips will shrink back in place. You have very little stretch marks and just by the pics I can tell they aren’t very deep at all. Give them time and they will fade. If you still feel uncomfortable I found self tanner is an amazing cover up. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your body at all you brought a wonderful person into the world and that is something to be proud about. Take the changes of your body as a reminder of your daughter. Always have confidence, your husband should look at you as a “trophy” wife no matter what because he loves you!

  34. Elizabeth Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Did you breast feed? I am 25 weeks pregnant and used to have an amazing body, i’m afraid I won’t get it back your body looks amazing.

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